Gifted Bulletin Board

Welcome to the Gifted Issues Discussion Forum.

We invite you to share your experiences and to post information about advocacy, research and other gifted education issues on this free public discussion forum.
CLICK HERE to Log In. Click here for the Board Rules.

Links
DITD Logo

Learn about the Davidson Academy’s online campus for profoundly gifted students living anywhere in the U.S.

The Davidson Institute for Talent Development is a national nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted students through the following programs:

  • Davidson Fellows Scholarship
  • Davidson Young Scholars
  • Davidson Academy
  • THINK Summer Institute
  • DITD FaceBook   DITD Twitter   DITD YouTube
    The Davidson Institute is on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube!

    How gifted-friendly is
    your state?

    Subscribe to the Davidson Institute's eNews-Update

    Who's Online
    0 registered (), 0 Guests and 234 Spiders online.
    Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
    Newest Members
    sreedevi9, agen, Postini, Phaedenit, babyrazia
    10900 Registered Users
    January
    Su M Tu W Th F Sa
    1 2
    3 4 5 6 7 8 9
    10 11 12 13 14 15 16
    17 18 19 20 21 22 23
    24 25 26 27 28 29 30
    31
    Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
    Topic Options
    #182972 - 02/24/14 08:46 PM Friendship troubles
    greenlotus Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/17/14
    Posts: 574
    We just discovered that our daughter (age 3rd grade)is gifted and reading all that entails, I wonder about her friendship woes. Both in kindergarten and 1st grade the girls whom she declared "best friends" decided that they didn't like her. She even asked them later whey they couldn't be friends anymore which I thought was so brave. She has always been the loner on the playground. This Fall she wrote numerous books titled "How to be Popular" (she is always writing and illustrating books). I watch her in her Girl Scout troop sounding rather "know it all". It's so painful to watch. She does play well with her sister who is 1 year older, but is convinced that her older sister is better, smarter, etc than her and so ends up mad (her sister does not have the IQ that the little one has). How do people find friends or help their kid find friends? I will be looking into summer gifted activities, and she is in chess. She gets pulled out for an AG math class, but I just don't see her making friends in school. To sum it up, I feel my heart break for her. She says it's easier to be alone.

    Top
    #182980 - 02/24/14 11:04 PM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    indigo Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4311
    Quote:
    asked them later whey they couldn't be friends anymore
    Did she get meaningful responses from them? Anything which the two of you may discuss to a potentially lead to a better approach to friendship?

    Quote:
    she wrote numerous books titled "How to be Popular"
    Are there good tips in her books? For example, anything which might lead to a discussion on how to implement the ideas on a day to day basis?

    Quote:
    sounding rather "know it all"
    Afterward, at home, are you able to discuss what you observed and suggest alternate ways she might choose to say something?

    Quote:
    convinced that her older sister is better, smarter, etc than her and so ends up mad
    Have you shared that perceiving (or misperceiving) that someone may have more (or be more) does not need to lead to negative emotions like anger or jealousy; For many people this type of perception may lead to admiration and emulating the person. It is a choice we make.

    Quote:
    How do people find friends or help their kid find friends?
    From your post, discussing friendship may be key so that a kiddo is best able to utilize the opportunities presented by school, extracurriculars, etc to connect positively with others she meets.

    Here is a link to an article on the Davidson Database, Tips For Parents: Gifted Children's Friendships

    If a book may make a good discussion opener, there are many focused on social/emotional life available from Prufrock Press, Great Potential Press, and others. Some are written especially for children. Parents often pre-read books in order to prepare for discussion with their child when their child reads them.

    Good luck to you and your DD with this. smile

    Top
    #182985 - 02/24/14 11:32 PM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    Wesupportgifted Offline
    Member

    Registered: 07/14/13
    Posts: 157
    I do not want to be redundant, but everything that you wrote is pretty much how it is, but that said, there really are pros and cons to everything and in the long run I feel that the pros will outweigh the cons. Diversity is inherent in nature and our society needs all types of people. It would seem strange too is everyone was the same, so we have to embrace the differences and not feel bad about it. It really can be a great thing, it's just different. I hope that helps. Gifted people are rarely the most popular, but they are usually the most respected. That is what I wanted to say.

    Top
    #182986 - 02/25/14 12:29 AM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    ashley Offline
    Member

    Registered: 03/26/12
    Posts: 639
    In our case, I take my role as friendship facilitator seriously. I arrange playdates at the science museum, enroll DS in many enrichment activities in a group setting (academic as well as art and sports) and have started a local lego league and a local science group for him and his friends. DS has been around peers that are older than him and above him in abilities through these activities. He gets exposure to how other gifted kids think and at the same time works on bettering his own skills. And he has been around the same set of kids for a while now that they have become friends.
    At school, we let him figure things out on his own. Sometimes, he dumbs down to make friends, sometimes he acts goofy and becomes the class clown to be popular, sometimes he does not care, but most recently, he has been playing alone.

    Top
    #183023 - 02/25/14 07:49 AM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    Dude Offline
    Member

    Registered: 10/04/11
    Posts: 2856
    One thing my DD taught me early on is that social interactions/behaviors are the single most complicated thing we've had to teach her, so I don't have any advice on any shortcuts. It's a looooooooooong process.

    Like ashley, DW and I take our role as facilitators very seriously. We do things a little differently, because ashley's list of interventions includes too many structured activities, and the single best vehicle for working out social mores is through unstructured play.

    Early in DD9's life, DW and I made ourselves available to play with DD for hours each day. We mostly followed her lead, though we quickly let her know when she was engaging in unfriendly behaviors, and modeled the kinds of behaviors we'd like to see in her. As time went on DW and I began to assert our own personalities a bit more, so DD could learn that different people like to play different games or in different ways, and she had to learn how to accept that.

    When she was 3, DD started to play with the other kids in the neighborhood, sometimes at our house, sometimes at theirs. When they were at our home, we played with them sometimes, but mostly left them to themselves, monitored for any signs of conflict, and stepped in as mediators and teachers as needed. This is how we started arming her with the kinds of skills she'd need to deal with people whose behaviors don't match what she'd become accustomed to at home.

    Fast forward 6 years, and we're still basically doing the same things mentioned in the paragraph above, in addition to talking about her school experiences and counseling on ways to deal with the situations she encounters there.

    This past weekend there were, at various times, five kids hanging out at our house with DD, so something must be going right.

    Top
    #183034 - 02/25/14 08:44 AM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    blackcat Offline
    Member

    Registered: 05/23/13
    Posts: 2154
    It helped a lot when we grade accelerated DD and suddenly she was with kids who were older. She went from being bossy to everyone to hanging out more in the background.

    That said, she can still be a know-it-all but tends to hold it in pretty well (at least when she is on her ADHD meds). She is now 8. Her best friend is a boy who is over a year older and they are both into computers. They talk on the phone about computers and DD will say someting like "give me a minute, let me pull that up on the LAN server." I'll hear "What! What!?" Coming through the receiver, the kid has no idea what she's talking about. DD starts getting impatient and expasperation starts coming out in her voice. Pretty soon she just wants to get off the phone. That said, at least this kid is at least somewhat close and they have similar interests and things in common. I think the key is to try to find kids at the same level (even if they are older) but that can be very difficult. We have also done a lot of work on social skills, for instance you have to talk to your friends nicely, you can't boss them around even if they are acting dumb, etc.

    Top
    #183042 - 02/25/14 09:23 AM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    HowlerKarma Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/05/11
    Posts: 5181
    Yes, with an only child, we've taken the approach that we have to actively demonstrate cause-and-effect for our DD.

    So if she does/says something that a peer would find unacceptable, we let her know that.

    It's not always easy, because of course as loving parents who are emotionally mature, we do NOT necessarily have the kinds of knee-jerk responses that children do-- but, for example, if she's a sore loser in playing a board game, we demonstrate disgust and refuse to play the next time.

    Stuff like that helps to build pro-social skills. As does talking about social dynamics, human motivations, etc. Basically-- be a student of human behavior and interactions.

    As for friendships, being DISLIKED is a matter, IMO, of not-so-awesome social skills, not of giftedness per se. Being lonely, on the other hand, is a matter of being quite different from one's peers.

    My DD has no trouble being well liked. In fact, it's often a bigger problem that she doesn't especially like those who adore her. She doesn't tend to have friends who "get" her completely, though she certainly has no trouble "getting" them. It is the one-sidedness of this that makes her feel lonely and sad.

    For that, I don't have much in the way of advice.
    _________________________
    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

    Top
    #183046 - 02/25/14 09:40 AM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    Saritz Offline
    Member

    Registered: 09/06/12
    Posts: 80
    Just my 2 cents here. Your daughter sounds like me in 3rd grade. Because of my own less than ideal experiences, I take an active role in making sure we have a family social circle that includes some of DS8 and DS6's friends from school. We are lucky to be in a TAG magnet that is also close to our home, so a lot of our neighbors are also at school.

    I tell DS when he says something that might be hurtful or offensive to a friend.

    We try to keep his social opportunities broad-based, ie, we still socialize with families from our old neighborhood, we have church friends, school friends, cub-scout friends and friends from our life before kids. Many of these groups do not cross over, although some do.

    Neither of our DSs seem to have a lot of very close relationships, but there are varied social situations in which they feel safe and comfortable.

    It is my hope that this environment that we are creating will give both DS the social confidence they need for college and beyond, even if they end up sharing our fate (and I think they will) of having difficulty forming close friendships.

    Your daughter may or may not have an easier time as she gets older, but I think the broader you can keep her "safe" social groups outside of school, the better.

    Top
    #183263 - 02/26/14 05:59 PM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: indigo]
    greenlotus Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/17/14
    Posts: 574
    Unfortunately both girls could not tell her anything except that they no longer wanted to be her friend. I think that she might have been smothering them - she likes having just one friend although that seems to be changing.
    Her "popular" books mainly discuss looks. My daughter has noted that the blond girls are more popular than girls of color.
    If I bring up alternate items to say, she just exclaims that she doesn't know why someone would not want to know this or that fact. We do work on this skill.
    I do understand that it's a choice about emulation vs. jealousy - she is adamant about her opinion of her sister. I do follow the "Siblings Without Rivalry" method with limited success.
    Thank you for your link.

    Top
    #183265 - 02/26/14 06:02 PM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: Saritz]
    greenlotus Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/17/14
    Posts: 574
    Thank you for you reply. We do have her in other social circles. I have just discovered that a couple of families will be starting a SENG support group somewhere near us so I am hopeful for finding some other friends for our daughter. We are probably going to do some social skills work with a therapist.

    Top
    #183276 - 02/26/14 07:55 PM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    indigo Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4311
    Quote:
    Her "popular" books mainly discuss looks. My daughter has noted that the blond girls are more popular than girls of color.
    There are many wonderful books with the main character being a well-liked girl who may be Latina, Asian, African American, Jewish, Italian, etc, and not blonde. Reading books like these may be a form of bibliotherapy and help reinforce that people with every look from every culture are popular, well-respected, accepted in social circles for who they are, and can form great friendships.

    "Amazing Grace" comes immediately to mind as a book which our family enjoyed. A bonus is the beautiful, compelling artwork! Very memorable.

    Lists of books can be found online. For example, here is a list of Hispanic and Latino books: http://childrensbooks.about.com/od/culturalhispanic/tp/hispanic_latino.htm, a list of books featuring African American girls http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/?category_id=980863, and more book lists can be found with a web search.

    There are also the works of author Cheryl Willis Hudson and books by Sharon Draper.

    ETA: blog by Dr. Joy Lawson Davis, crediting Dr. Rudine Sims Bishop with the concept of "mirror books" and "window books": Mirrors for reflecting one's own culture, and Windows for providing a glimpse into other cultures.

    ETA: In real life...
    Miss USA, 2016 - Deshauna Barber
    Miss USA, 2017 - Kára McCullough, "one of the most intelligent contestants in recent memory"

    Top
    #183369 - 02/27/14 05:41 PM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: indigo]
    greenlotus Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/17/14
    Posts: 574
    Thank you for the list! Our girls are Chinese adoptees, and I am always on the lookout for other books about Asian girls, but there are few so we look for books about other girls of color. "Amazing Grace" was a great book! We read it a couple of years ago. Interesting concept - window and mirror books. I am in grad school for social work and am very interested in power struggles and racial identity so will definitely check out her blog. It's been a struggle to watch my youngest struggle with what we thought were issues all related to adoption only to find out that some of the items are probably related to her giftedness.

    Top
    #183372 - 02/27/14 06:49 PM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    indigo Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4311
    You may like this list as well... it is a Barnes&Noble list of books featuring Asian and Asian American girls: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/?category_id=986141 There are lots of lists to be found through web searches.

    Many, if not most, "American" families are a blend of cultures & ethnicities... with both a "melting pot" of different customs and a celebration of a mix of ancestral traditions. It is fascinating to learn of similarities and differences. smile

    There are many resources to read about giftedness... enjoy! smile

    ETA: Here is another post with some resources about friendships.

    ETA: Here is a crowd-sourced list on movies.

    Top
    #183488 - 02/28/14 06:13 PM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: indigo]
    greenlotus Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/17/14
    Posts: 574
    Thanks!! I just bought "The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide" from Barnes and Noble a couple of hours ago. Our daughter flashed through that, but I want to read it with her to get some thoughts out of her about it! I am going to see if there are books on the B and N list that we have not read - hopefully they are at the library!

    Top
    #183492 - 02/28/14 06:40 PM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    indigo Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4311
    Quote:
    "The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide"... Our daughter flashed through that
    Good book! If she read it, that must mean she found it interesting!

    Quote:
    I want to read it with her to get some thoughts out of her about it!
    Yes, that's the thing, isn't it? The discussion and the connection. Parents may sometimes be the only other gifted person a kiddo knows for years at a stretch!

    Quote:
    ...library!
    You may already know... If your local branch does not have titles you are looking for, you may wish to ask about their inter-library loan program. smile

    Top
    #240696 - 12/12/17 09:32 AM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    indigo Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4311
    Originally Posted By: greenlotus
    Her "popular" books mainly discuss looks
    ...
    girls of color.
    Has everyone seen this list of #1000blackgirlbooks created by Marley Dias?
    Resource guide here.

    Article: From Activist To Author: How 12-Year-Old Marley Dias Is Changing The Face Of Children's Literature
    Maggie McGrath
    Forbes
    June 13, 2017

    Marley's own book, chronicling this adventure, is due out January 30, 2018:
    Marley Dias Gets It Done: And So Can You!

    Top
    #247644 - 10/03/20 10:20 AM Re: Friendship troubles [Re: greenlotus]
    indigo Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4311
    For future readers of this thread, adding a link to a thread with additional resources, including more books:
    New interest - indigenous peoples of the Americas

    Top
    Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


    Moderator:  M-Moderator 
    Recent Posts
    Ivy League Admissions.
    by cricket3
    05:38 AM
    College Board discontinues SAT subject exams
    by Wren
    01/21/21 09:17 AM
    Open college classes to everyone
    by cricket3
    01/21/21 06:58 AM
    Flipped Classroom
    by aeh
    01/18/21 02:15 PM
    Counting to 10
    by aquinas
    01/18/21 09:04 AM
    Davidson Institute Twitter