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I find my children continue to misbehave until they get their needs me. Five minutes sympathy and time is better than three hours tantrums and time outs. Besides if I spend all that time on the one misbehaving the other gets the message that is how you get mums sole attention.

If I could do 10 mins time out and it would be done then I probably would but my kids aren't like that.

Sometimes some "problem" is needed as a pretext for the tantrum. If you solve the "problem" then you are depriving them of the pretext for the tantrum, which can escalate the tantrum even more.

I have never understood the concept of a time out. What's the difference between a time out and doing nothing?

It establishes a means for the child to cue to SELF-SOOTHE, and later, to SELF-REFLECT. It's a special form of redirection, basically.

Like a re-set button. That the child has control over.

Young children may not always be ABLE to do that when in the middle of a melt-down, and often a change of scenery helps them to cue the process. You just have to be careful not to make the intervention a reward in and of itself.

Haven't read all the replies here, but fwiw, time outs do work for some kids (most likely not in this situation). They worked really well for two of my kids because while they were in time out "doing nothing" they weren't free to do what they *wanted* to be doing, plus they knew they were getting a consequence, and both of the kids it worked for shared the combined personality trait of caring about doing what they were supposed to do plus having enough control over their emotions that they could sit, regroup and move on.

My 3rd child has a personality is more self-centered (I don't mean that in a bad way, but she's less naturally focused on how other people interpret her behavior), and in addition to that trait, once she's upset past a certain point, she can't pull it back together. For her, timeouts mean nothing, and the only way to deal with meltdowns etc is to ignore her (from a distance and with ear plugs on), and then when she's calm talk through what happened.

polarbear

Personally, I've always found that planning ahead to meet a child's needs pays off beautifully. For instance, anytime I have to bring a child to something where they'll be waiting around, I let them take something with them to occupy themselves. Then I watch the children who have nothing get constantly scolded by their iParents. What did they expect?

We handle timeouts a little differently in our home. If DD8 has an issue and it can be handled right then and there, then that's what we do. But if she's so upset that any rational conversation is impossible, we send her on timeout. It's not a punishment, it's just an opportunity for her to calm herself. She can come out whenever she decides she's ready. If we decide she still hasn't sufficiently de-escalated, we send her back.

When she's in epic meltdown mode, she might continue escalating even while she's on timeout. For those, DW and I pop in on her every ten minutes or so, see if there's anything we can say or do to help her reset, then step out again if it's not working, and try another approach next time.

deleted because my post was no help to the OP.

I wanted to post an update and thank everyone for the much needed support and suggestions. Sorry its taken awhile but the days seem to melt away at a crazy speed these days.

I think one of the most thought provoking comments was this from HK:

"Now-- I mention that because I think that an expectation that, just 6 weeks into things, your family will have a good handle on managing your feelings and anxiety... sorry, but that probably isn't going to happen so quickly. For any of you"

At first read this seemed obviously true and I thought I was in full agreement and had no expectation of having a good handle on things.....but with further reflection I have to admit that my expectation on DD6 were/are perhaps unfair. We are now almost 3 months into this diagnosis and my own feelings and anxiety are not only still crazed but I don't expect to feel normal for a long time (probably ever). I am not sure why I expected my super sensitive 6 year old child (HG or not) to cope with this better than I can. Granted she does not know all of the awful things that I do about it but she is also 6 and knows enough to be fearful. I guess the truth is that I was (am) stressed to the absolute limit and frustrated that she was adding to our stress at a moment when I could not handle any more problems. I would not have blamed DD3 for flipping out on me but I was not being tolerant of DD6 flipping out since she was "supposed" to be the one person in our house least affected by this diagnosis. Yes, unfair. I am still not really sure what I could have done differently though in those first weeks. We talked alot about things when she was calm. I asked about her fears. She learned a little about diabetes and helps out with her sisters care at times. We did some one on one nice activities as well for some special bonding time. At the time none of it seemed to help. Thankfully she has greatly improved in the past month. I don't think it was anything we did or didn't do but who knows...perhaps I am less radiating less tension or something.

So thanks HK. I didn't know you were dealing with this nightmare also.

The other posts were very helpful as well. We have always struggled with time outs vs other forms of redirection. the problem is that she sometimes desperately needs a "reset" and once we get her to the point where she accepts this and spends a few minutes alone calming down (reading, drawing etc) then she often transforms back to my lovely happy girl. The problem is that it is nearly impossible to get her to the point that she accepts the time out. She won't go willingly to her room and she won't stay willingly in her room and she won't sit in a chair etc etc etc. Everything we have tried seems to escalate the situation until she finally gives in and then within a few minutes of calming activity she is fine again. We try other methods to get her to stop whatever bad thing she is doing but it just seems to feed the problem until she gets that reset. Avoiding the problem in the first place is definately a priority but I guess I too often miss the cues that a problem is coming or don't know how to head it off. I know we are also all a little sleep deprived too lately which does not help at all.

With regards to her more recent behavior which has improved but not resolved....it is a real struggle to make her feel that we care enough to take care of her if she is hurt but NOT reinforce the manipulation taking place. Generally that means ignoring it but then we have her crying that we don't love her which is both heart wrenching and aggravating and always leaves me wondering when she is really hurt and when she is just playing us. I agree with Emerald City that "a pinch may feel like a punch to her right now" and yet as Dude was pointing out, most of the time this is happening it is flagrant manipulation that occurs only after she has been told to go do something (go to room, do homework etc) or scolded for something (pinching sister etc). I am not sure that it is a calculated manipulation though as in an intentional ploy but perhaps more of a display of her complete failure to handle her emotions-which only makes me feel worse as I ignore the behavior since I dont really think she knows she is overreacting. ugh, now I am talking in circles.

At baseline she is a terribly clumsy child anyway. Her motor skills and coordination is below age level in my estimation and it is not unusual at all for her to bump into things or even just simply fall over while sitting in a chair, standing still or walking. She is also terribly fidgity which doesn't help. So, that being said, mild bumps are constantly taking place in her life and she is generally overreacting to them anyway. She often gets cuddles, ice and bandaids for these little bumps which are not intentional but that is different than the small or pretend injuries that occur while she is in trouble for something or when we are dealing with a semi-emergent situation with DD3 just because she wants attention.

Lastly, thanks also for the book suggestions. I have starting reading a book called something like Parenting the Manipulative Child--though I don't recall the exact name. It seems applicable so far but I have not gotten far enough to figure out what to do about the problem. I will check out some of the other suggestions as well.

I'm really REALLY glad to hear that things are improving for your DD6-- and for the rest of your family, too.

{Also wanted to clarify that the T1D person in my immediate family isn't my DD, and that my DD's diagnosis is one that was every bit as life-threatening and horribly life-altering, but not T1D... just very, very, VERY--eerily, really-- similar in impact.}

I'm really happy that the first wave has left you all standing, so to speak. {hugs}

Glad things are a bit better. Like PolarBear said don't expect too much of your family too soon.