Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Death: Reassuring Very Young Child

After reading one of my cookbooks, my DS3 has begun asking lots of questions about where meat comes from, eating animals, death, etc. I knew where this was heading, and today he asked me if humans die. I also dread what's next...he's going to ask if I'm going to die.

He is very sensitive,emotionally intense and any talk of potentially losing mommy is going to raise a tremendous amount of anxiety. Help!

Ohh, the death talk! DS2.25 initiated it a few months ago and I was really thrown. I dug through some correspondence with a friend, which I've added below. Hope it helps. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more in detail.

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As we were walking down the stairs after playing sheet/blanket tents, he just came out with this statement: "Everything dies. Boys die. Girls die. Mums and Dads die. Eventually everyone dies." He said it so casually and with a matter-of-fact tone.

When I asked where he got the idea from, he referred to a cute book of children's poetry we have. There's a brief line about thinking you'll die if you don't get a piece of alligator pie. Somehow he extrapolated the pervasiveness of death from that and our talk about food webs. I really have no idea how it came up, or even if it's worth hunting for teachable moments.

I was pretty taken aback, but reassured that he seemed to be thinking it through from a more biological/clinical stance. Realistically, I don't think he has a good grasp of what the after-effects of death are for those surviving the loss of a loved one, and I don't think he could handle the gravity of a fuller understanding yet. As with everything, I tried to follow his lead and give him information on a need-to-know basis. I tried to be upbeat because it was such an apt comment that it deserved to be recognized. We talked about life expectancy always extending, medical advances, how to avoid unnecessary risk, etc.

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ETA: We're also Catholic, so end of life discussion have an unavoidably positive, eternal theme to them for us. I didn't go into it at length because my DS is still too young, but I plan to use the death talk as a springboard for discussing free will and the behaviours required for eternal life in our faith. I think concrete, actionable steps within our control make the unknown less intimidating.

I'm new, and just put out an intro post, but I just had to respond to this...

I distinctly remember this exact same topic somewhere around the same age. I don't even know what triggered it, but she started asking about death and whether everything dies and whether she was going to die and whether we were going to die.

She was pretty upset (and it all came at once so I had no time to prepare). What I did was focus on the natural tendency of young children to see time as very slow moving (a year is a long time when it's a third of your life). I said that yes everything dies, but that people often live a really long time. I mentioned a couple of great aunts who lived to be over 100 years old (crosses fingers) and said that I certainly didn't plan on dying any time soon and she certainly shouldn't plan on it either. I kept it light. Like an unpleasant and unavoidable chore that we all eventually have to do (which is kind of how I think about it actually).

And I mentioned the ways in which we go on after we die (our bodies becoming part of the cycle of the Earth and our souls going on to new things -- YMMV obviously).

It was hard, but not as bad as the "how do you keep from having a baby when you're married?" conversation, which happened about a year later.

We were forced to discuss death a lot when my dad died from cancer. Between my sister and I we had 4 kids age 3 and under at the time. DS is also a very sensitive, anxious little guy but handled everything amazingly well. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could even when the answer was "I don't know". We had a tonne of books on the subject that a friend gave us to help spring board the conversation since we knew they were going to have to deal with it more than most toddlers. We still have amazing discussions every once in a while on the topic. Their insights blow me away sometime.

Going through the experience the biggest piece of advice that really struck me was something along the lines of - Death is a part of life and this is your chance to teach your children about death. Teach them how to grieve but also teach them how to live and remember. If you treat it like something that shouldn't be talked about and is scary they will pick up on that.

Obviously, it is a bit different when you aren't forced to discuss it in the context of a loved one but perhaps looking at the big picture will help you to frame the approach that you want to use and what beliefs or philosophies you have that you can share. It was fascinating to hear the kid's ideas (and hear them evolve over the past 4 years) and have them form the start of their own beliefs on the subject.

Families may find Hoagies Gifted Education Page on Grief and Mourning to be of interest http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/grief.htm

I remember being a child and pondering my parents' death from time to time. Being an intense child, I basically lived the emotions as I imagined the scenario. I didn't become scarred or anything, though. I think we protect ourselves from emotional trauma by avoiding thinking about things like that too much. I wouldn't worry about this unless it becomes clear that the child is fixating/obsessing on the idea of death.


As a former Catholic myself, I'd counter that the unavoidable positive theme applies only to the one who dies, but not to those left behind. My experience with the Catholic faith and death involved the idea that there was an agency behind death, and the idea that someone/something had done this to my grandfather and to all of our family ON PURPOSE was, I believe, a big reason why I handled it so very, very badly.

Of course, it all comes down to interpretation, and this is how I interpreted what information I was receiving, so your mileage may vary.

Here's a website by the author of a faith-based children's book focused on life but also touching on the concept of eternity, and death. Angel in the Waters http://www.angelinthewaters.com/