Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DD doesn't want to be "gifted"

As a result of various perceived problems with my 10 year old's behavior at her old school we had her formally tested. She fought the testing, refused to answer some things, and was basically not very cooperative. Despite all this she tested in the HG range and the tester said she believed her ceiling was probably closer to the EG/PG range. She did not want to be different. She did not want to change schools.

After a period of cooling off and visiting a school for the gifted, she saw how the teachers interacted with the students and really liked it. She "tested" the school out for a week and was adamant that she wanted to switch to this school. She had been under a lot of stress at her old school and fought bouts of anxiety. We've been at the new school for about a month and she was blossoming on all levels. Tonight we had a set back full of tears and pleas to just be average and wanting to go back to her old school (even though it was obvious to everyone but her that the school was squashing her).

She is so fragile right now, I just want to make sure I keep my head on straight so I can help her. There is no doubt in my mind that the new school is an almost perfect fit for her and I know she really likes it (I think we just had a bad day).

Has anyone else experienced this type of reaction after a a new "gifted" label? If so, how did you handle it?

Does the school have a psych?
Is there anyone at the school you can talk to without sending up red flags?
If it is a school for gifted kids they have undoubtedly dealt with this before.

It can be a lot to adjust to. My ds had some struggles earlier this year with a new school. It is working well now fingers crossed.

How did it go today?

I'd be looking for a specific cause, and not immediately accept the change of school as a general cause for a single spectacular meltdown after a full month. My son is inclined to say he had the worst day ever and cry about it, but we figure out that someone was playing one game that he didn't want to play, and they invited him to play but wouldn't change the game at ten in the morning. After that, he had all sorts of good stuff, but then when he gets home he dwells on that one incident.

Another area to explore: is it possible that she is actually being challenged and until now has never had to face a challenge and never learned those coping skills? Happened to many of us who didn't get appropriate instruction in school. But it happened when we hit college and had no idea how to buckle down, study, etc.

My DS, when he was in 3rd grade, came home one day and said that he never wanted to go to school again. Mind you, it is a very strong public school and has a lot of very advanced kids even though there wasn't (and isn't) a gifted program. The teacher explained some new math concepts and let the kids start doing work sheets and DS literally finished it in two minutes when most other kids were still reading the first question. The teacher told DS that he must have cheated somehow (without using the actual word) because "I know you are good but no one is that good". DS for the first time said to me that he wished that he was just like everybody else. We all need to get used to accepting who we are but it takes time and it's not easy when the authority figures don't "get it". We talked and I told him that I'd go talk to the teacher if that would help. Eventually he calmed down and said that he'd let it go since the teacher was a student teacher and was leaving soon. After that, once in a long while he would lament that he didn't want to be different, but he is 13 now and is very comfortable with who he is. I think getting more mature and gradually having peers who are accepting helped a lot.

Can you find a therapist? My DD saw a cognitive behavioral therapist, and this was one of the big issues they tackled.

"She is so fragile right now" -- that's very accurate to our child at age 9 & 10. CBT was rough (DD fought it many times), but so worth it.

The new school is an adjustment as well. There was likely a honeymoon period that's wearing off. How's the social picture? Is she finding friends who feel like good fits?

This is SO me. I have the feeling that when I get to actual college, I'm going to have to learn not the stuff for classes, but how to study. I have never been tested for being gifted, but it is strongly suspected. I went to a camp this summer for a month to learn Arabic, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Language comes naturally to me, but I actually had to (God forbid) study.

Honestly, if given the choice, I would choose to not be as intelligent as I am. Makes life a heckuva lot harder than it needs to be.

I totally agree with Zen Scanner.

Our issues ended up not really being so much a "starting a new school issue". It seemed to be a domino effect of several thing.

• Not enough sleep.
• Scary movie with with real life issues.
• One elective class that didn't jive into the schedule or interest.

It was hard to put a finger on it but once we investigated and made a few changes it smoothed over. Our ds started Cross country running at school and that made him feel like he was part of something. (the exercise does wonders too)

Our psych said it can take a full two years for a child to full adapt / integrate into a new school (in our case new school, country, hemisphere... LOL).

In your case the extra stimulation from the her new environment (peers, teachers, materials, etc.) must be overwhelming at times. (<-- Similar to Zen's last comment)

Does the school have an integration plan for new students?

Thanks for the responses so far. Today was better. I really think it was a combination of many factors and the tipping point was a "friend" issue at the new school. She has always been super sensitive and does not deal well at all with conflict. She is also a social butterfly and has a particularly hard time when everyone doesn't play nicely.

We have always suspected she was gifted, but chose not to formally test when she was younger. We really did not understand giftedness and did her a great disservice. Our philosophy has always been that we want her to love to learn. Love the process, and she always has, it is one of her best qualities. We do not care about grades, but she know we want her to put forth her best effort. The end result is not important, but the journey is.

Our biggest mistake was taking her out of public school for first grade and putting her in a highly acclaimed college prep private school. She needed a change because the public school was not prepared to deal with this very bright little girl, and had no alternatives. We thought a more challenging curriculum would be enough to bridge the boredom, but it was still a factory school, following the factory model which did not play to her strengths as an independant creative thinker.

The new school is TINY, but the teaching style is perfect for her. And they totally get gifted kids. But she is a perfectionist and still tries to control situations through her behavior. The difference is they don't feed into her attempts to control and they are teaching her to take risks and not be afraid of failure. We met with them today and they assure us she is making progress and that her turn around time from getting frustrated is very quick. This is a big victory for us.

She has had four years of being expected to follow the "rubric" at her old school and repeated attempts to mold her into their ideal. Going outside of the box was not looked at as a good thing. This is all crystal clear now and while we did advocate for her it was an uphill battled on every front.

I am rambling, it's late.....I think we need to constantly remind ourselves to take baby steps. We have a lot of deprogramming to do and a lot of confidence building is in need.

I have enjoyed reading these forums immensely. We don't have many resources at all for gifted kids in our area and it is a blessing to realize we are not alone.