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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 948
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Joined: Jul 2010
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You are doing the best you can during this stressful situation. eWhat helped me with my DS3 is re-framing the situation and view of the child's intentions in a more positive, empathetic light as a problem to solve together instead of as manipulation and bad behavior. The former deepens your bond and is calming to your child, and the latter just makes both parties angrier and more frustratd.
It sounds like DD6.5 fears and anxieties are so INFLAMED by DD3's diagnosis that a pinprick really does feel like a punch right now. Accepting that all her hurts are real to her may greatly change the dynamic. Of course, you will still discipline her by instructing her on acceptable behavior, but removing the parent's negative emotional reaction from the moment, verbal or non-verbal, is the challenge.
Help her develop coping skills and regain control over fears that are very valid to her by building mutually agreed upon positive strategies for regulating her emotions. One example is the book, "How Does Your Engine Run? A Leader's Guide to the Alert Program for Self-Regulation" Shellenberger, S. Although written for children with sensory dysfunctions, I think the toolkit can be modified to fit other situations. For example, when she hurts herself, she may be seeking attention or affection, so include positive, alternative options for seeking attention in her tool-kit. Another excellent book for developing collaborative problem-solving strategies is "The Explosive Child" Greene, R.
Give her recognition for the positive strategies she has already tried - learning about diabetes and helping her sister with healthy eating habits.
A quick tip that works for me is I tell my son that I'll talk about it when he's calm. He know he's heard, but I won't engage with him on the topic until the meltdown is over.
Right now all your emotional resources must feel stretched to the limit. I wish you all the best. This was my instinct. Wishing the OP the best.
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Joined: Oct 2011
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A contrary position to EmeraldCity...
If this isn't a universal parenting maxim, I'm coining it now: Parents can expect to get more of any behavior they reward. When a child fakes an injury or intentionally self-injures, they're looking to get a particular reaction from their parents. When you treat the pain as real, apply ice, etc., you are providing that reaction, and therefore rewarding the behavior. Therefore, you can expect more of it.
I have an 8yo girl (not to be confused with my DD8) in my care who fusses at homework time, and when other techniques are not working, she self-harms... usually she bangs a knee or her elbows on the table, but last night she cranked it up a notch, and threw herself off the chair and onto the tile floor. She's not injured, but she's clearly in very real pain. For her, the goal is avoidance of homework, so any reaction that involves a pause in homework is her reward. Our strategy, therefore, is to flatly (I do concur with EC about keeping the negative emotion out of it) point out that she wouldn't have hurt herself if she'd just stop fussing and get her homework done. We'd leave her at the table to self-soothe her tears, and then come back to help when she's ready to work.
Before homework was finished, she was back to her charming, cheerful self.
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 448
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I was a believer in Dude's maxim above (and for many kids I probably still am) but for my DS it wasn't working. We read "The Explosive Child" (one of the ones recommended by EmeraldCity) and it changed everything for us. DS didn't have the skills to self soothe or problem solve what the root issue was. Without solving the root issues we were doomed to repeat the freak out over and over and over and over again which just resulted in him being punished over and over again. We're now working with him to teach him how to self soothe and problem solve and it has brought the number and intensity of freak outs way down almost immediately. It is more about teaching the skills to avoid the massive out of control melt down in the first place.
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Joined: Apr 2012
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coveln, so sorry for all that you are going through. DD4 had a recent period of intense misbehavior and defiance. It was not related to a medical condition but here is what worked for me. When she was in a calmer mood, I openly asked her what was bothering her. Then we discussed how we can address her concerns and I followed through.DD also misbehaves occasionally to get attention. In those situations, humor has helped. For example, if she pretends to be hurt and in pain, I will say something like, "oh,oh, I think someone's boo-boo needs to be tickled" etc. I also sometimes pretend that DD is a baby so that she can get all that silliness out of her system and realize that her current behavior is not consistent with her maturity.
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Joined: Feb 2012
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Without solving the root issues we were doomed to repeat the freak out over and over and over and over again which just resulted in him being punished over and over again. We're now working with him to teach him how to self soothe and problem solve and it has brought the number and intensity of freak outs way down almost immediately. It is more about teaching the skills to avoid the massive out of control melt down in the first place. I concur strongly with this, but I'll also point out that The Explosive Child is quite clear that the worst time to try to teach those skills is during a meltdown. What you need to do is wait until she's happy and calm, and then talk to her about problem solving in the future.
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Joined: Aug 2013
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ElizabethN - yes, my post wasn't clear on that part but ITA
My DH who usually scoffs at any parenting book read it cover to cover and has found it very useful.
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Joined: Feb 2012
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To the OP, you might want to look at Ross Greene's web site at http://www.livesinthebalance.org/ .
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 948
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I was a believer in Dude's maxim above (and for many kids I probably still am) but for my DS it wasn't working. We read "The Explosive Child" (one of the ones recommended by EmeraldCity) and it changed everything for us. DS didn't have the skills to self soothe or problem solve what the root issue was. Without solving the root issues we were doomed to repeat the freak out over and over and over and over again which just resulted in him being punished over and over again. We're now working with him to teach him how to self soothe and problem solve and it has brought the number and intensity of freak outs way down almost immediately. It is more about teaching the skills to avoid the massive out of control melt down in the first place. I was also a firm believer in Dude's maxim when I had one child, and it works for a lot of kids. But not all. I have also found that in fact giving a kid loving attention in spite of bad behavior is sometimes exactly what they need and that behavior then improves. People are more complicated than behaviorism acknowledges, I think.
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,856
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I was also a firm believer in Dude's maxim when I had one child, and it works for a lot of kids. But not all. I have also found that in fact giving a kid loving attention in spite of bad behavior is sometimes exactly what they need and that behavior then improves. People are more complicated than behaviorism acknowledges, I think. I don't think it's a binary situation, in that it always works for some kids, and never works for others. Sometimes a kid's bad behavior needs to be ignored or otherwise unrewarded, and sometimes the same kid's bad behavior requires comforting and soothing. What is motivating the behavior? Is it a deliberate tactic, an attempt at manipulation? Is the child acting out? Or is this a cry for help? In the example I described, the child had tried a number of tactics to stall or avoid homework, they hadn't produced the results she desired, and so she escalated. There was a degree of calculation involved. That sounds somewhat similar to the OP's description of fake injuries. This method has served us well with our DD8 in a number of ways and situations, but whenever she's in an emotional state where she's completely out of control, we've abandoned it.
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 100
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A contrary position to EmeraldCity...
If this isn't a universal parenting maxim, I'm coining it now: Parents can expect to get more of any behavior they reward. When a child fakes an injury or intentionally self-injures, they're looking to get a particular reaction from their parents. When you treat the pain as real, apply ice, etc., you are providing that reaction, and therefore rewarding the behavior. Therefore, you can expect more of it. The "Explosive Child" approach does not advocate rewarding or coddling negative behavior; instead, the approach promotes understanding, empathy and problem-solving the ROOT CAUSE of the behavior during the teachable moment. The teachable moment is when both parent and child are calm and can listen and think about future strategies. The moment is definitely not pre, during or immediately post the rage or tantrum. It's collaborative, but the parent still maintains their authority because both parties have to agree on acceptable solutions. Anyways, it has worked successfully for our DS, and I apply it to other relationships for the better. Lastly, I hope the OP can find time for yourself each week. I have found face time with mothers of similar children (I was lucky to find a few!) is life-changing.
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