Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Friends/social fears- asynchrony in adolescence

That's what we're hoping.

My suspicions are that her maturity hasn't yet caught up to her reality (which is still not as much demand cognitively as we'd have LIKED) and therefore, her brain is looking for things to do because it is boooooooooored, and her maturation is such that she's not always as firmly in the driver's seat as she (or we) would like.

I'm fairly chagrined to admit that this is basically my response, too.

When it's your own child, on the other hand, that feels kinda-- er,

callous. You do know that you have REAL problems, don't you? I can MAKE real problems for you to work on if you like, you know... or you could maybe worry about your R.E.A.L. problems... I could give you a list of things to REALLY work on... otherwise? Yeah-- suck it up, Buttercup.

I'm not ordinarily much of a Spartan mom. This just struck me as... a hobbyist level self-destructive thing, mostly a self-pity related expression of angst. My impulse is to tell her to get over it, which isn't helpful.

I'm tempering THAT impulse with the angel of my better nature, which realizes that this isn't exactly a normal response to stress.

14/15 was probably one of the highest points in my life. 16/17 was, as well.

My low point was probably 19-23 (once the complete ordered structure of school was removed and I failed to create my own self-regulating structure).

My 20's and 30's have been pretty miserable, but stable, meaning that I can keep basic functions going. Definitely not enjoyable or pleasant in any way, but nowhere near as bad as college/law school.

Which is why I'm often confused when people say "things get better".

I suppose they get better if you are able to form meaningful relationship and find something that you actually have an interest in doing.

A lot of these helicopter kids are going to end up in real trouble later once the structure dissolves.

Whereas, HK's kid will probably be just fine, as long as she gets bored with her cutting hobby and doesn't descent into something worse.

I even had a client recently who OD'd on medication, and got sent to the psychiatric hospital. Where she really enjoyed herself and had a good time. Not surprisingly, her mother was somewhat concerned about the positive psychic payoff from this.

Pulling this up to update.


1. The "girlfriend" thing was apparently a short-lived phase. Not sure if this was actually gender-identity/orientation related, or if it was individual-specific. Either way "not a true peer" seems to have been the case in this instance, which made the relationship, such as it was, an ephemeral one to begin with.

2. One thing which I'd suspected early on, but didn't really feel at liberty to discuss, was that the GF was apparently eliciting a cry for help of her own with the "I have this friend who is cutting" schtick. In other words, I think that my DD was experimenting based on advice (??) from this friend/love interest. We've limited the interaction between the two girls-- not overtly (that often backfires with a kid like mine) but covertly and naturally. DD has-- truthfully-- sort of outgrown her, if she ever really 'fit' well to begin with (other than feeling "safe").

3. Internship WAS the ticket out, actually-- things have improved light years from six months ago merely as a result of that collegiate experience.

4. We were concerned with DD self-labeling and limiting her gender/orientation prematurely-- luckily, she seems to be keeping things open there, and has apparently acquired a new admirer who is a male classmate. She is now regarding the abusive male peer as-- well, a pathetic little turkey, which is a relief to us, because she was downright terrified of him for a very long time.



In other related news, we aren't sure how thrilled we are about the fact this new beau is nearly 18, and DD is just 14. Now, he KNOWS how old she is, and apparently her brains are the appeal for him.

Being HG+, however, means that my DD is quite thoughtful and sophisticated in her understanding of the situation.

This is leading to some very peculiar conversations about things like statutory rape law, however, and what exactly constitutes breaking such laws, and what the particulars are of R&J clauses within our state. Conversations that would be BEYOND weird if not for the situation of having a 15yo college freshman on my hands in less than a year. KWIM? She was extremely reassured to learn that nobody is going to be labeled a sexual predator merely for holding her hand or taking her out for pizza. Just the same, I think that I'm relieved that it appears that they won't be headed to the same college.


Radical acceleration... weird, weird places this journey is taking us.

HK, when I was 15 and a freshman in high school, my boyfriend was 19 and a Ph.D. candidate, and we were sneaking around having sex without my parents' knowledge. (They knew about the boyfriend, just not about the sex.) For better or for worse, girls (or boys, but I think girls are more at risk) can end up "accelerated" socially as well as intellectually. I have no advice for you, but plenty of sympathy.

The funny part is that the relationship died a natural death as I realized that he wasn't really as mature as I was.

It's a point that all parents should really be aware of with HG kids even if they aren't accelerated, truthfully. I wasn't accelerated, but my own history is enough to scare me plenty.

The reason why I'm so... er...


conversant (ahem) on this area of the state code?

At fifteen I met Spouse 1.0 (the beta version), who was 22 at the time. Rather than letting the relationship die its natural death-- when I turned 19, I made the colossal error of marrying him. (ouch) My similarly gifted BFF married HER spouse at 19, too-- he's eleven years her senior.

So I'm well aware of what DD is up against. I was also a very pretty but far too smart "trophy" for guys my own age, and frankly, not a few of those considerably older than me, too. Looking back, most of the guys my own age were looking at me as "unattainable" and "out of their league" rather than painfully lonely and awkward.

Unfortunately, being a smart girl is really only okay in this particular venue if you also happen to be a slutty girl. Of course, they still don't like you for YOU, exactly... so I don't really recommend THAT either. Otherwise, prepare yourself to be persona non grata for a very long, and painful period of time unless you are willing to toady to a lot of troglodytic ego and coo audibly while batting your eyelashes. {sigh}

The underlying relationship between these two teens is mutual deep respect (neither gives it lightly, nor suffers fools gladly) and affection that transcends the fascination of the moment. They've known one another for over four years now. I wonder if he's been waiting for her to grow up a bit, honestly. A third youngster was at one time my DD's first "boyfriend" (actually a mutual crush) a couple of years back-- so it's also possible that this was guy dynamics of "my friend's girl" or something.

It reassures me that DD is a good enough friend to her potential beau to be concerned front and center about getting him into trouble. She is quite conscientious and loyal to a fault-- she'd be devastated if consensual activity resulted in horrible consequences for a partner via the legal system, and she knows that until she is sixteen, it's AUTOMATIC (that is, not at OUR discretion to press charges or not) outside of the bounds of the R&J clause in our state, which is a 3y spread in age. This is just at the edge of that... and probably would be considered differently since they have been classmates for so long (and are effectively "peers") but you also just never know below 16yo. Well, she knows that now, anyway. What's funny is that she was truly concerned that just being an ITEM would be enough to draw the attention of law enforcement. (LOL) No, honey-- nobody is going to jail for taking you out for a pizza or holding your hand on a walk. Man, am I ever glad that DH wasn't the one at the helm of the car when she mused about it, though. I'm more unflappable in the moment-- I was freaking out inside, but said, cool as you please; "Talk to me about this" rather than just driving off the road screaming when she mentioned statutory rape in a musing tone of voice.

She has to be responsible enough to have the "swapping spit" conversation first, anyway. Unfortunately that one cannot ever really be spontaneous the way it can for most teens, because of the severity of her food allergies. LOTS of trust there for her-- it's an automatic litmus test for a partner. She's rejected all advances there thus far on the basis of "this isn't someone I trust that much." That ties into the trust and respect issue for her, too, and makes it hard for her to pretend to herself. People who truly "get" it well tend to be very very bright.

All I can say is that I'm cheering for you, HK. Truthfully, I wouldn't want to parent myself which, in many ways, you seem to be doing. (Though, I'm sure, that particular chicken will come home to roost in good time for yours truly...)

I was going to say, what would worry me is when your DD starts graduate school at 18 or 19. By then, she's be financially semi-independent on a fellowship and there won't be much you could say or do to stop her from making choices she'd most likely regret later.

But you don't have to seriously worry about this for 3+ years. For now, it's wonderful to hear that she seems to be in a meaningful and healthy relationship. He's very lucky.

Oh, believe me, when you have a teenaged daughter, you worry.

With the type of oppositional/autonomous child I have, the amount of actual control that I can exert over her decision-making is far less than I'd sometimes WISH.