Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Underachievement success stories?

I can say that I've seen a number of cases of high-ability underachievers who turned themselves around and led highly productive, enriching lives, and those turnarounds began in early adulthood. So in my experience, 11 is definitely not to young.

I met these guys while in the Navy. I worked in a highly-technical field, in which two years' worth of college electronics is compressed into 36 weeks, testing is every week, 75% is the cut-off for failure, there were significant deterrents to failure (nighttime remediation, held back in school longer, eventually kicked out to join the fleet in a paint-chipping role), and significant motivation to compete for excellence (ranking by class averages, first in line to choose next duty station).

Needless to say, this environment sorts out much of the chaff. Within this group I found a subgroup of young men who were clearly my peers... similar in interests, abilities, etc. I just assumed that they breezed through K-12 with as little effort as necessary to stay on the honor role, as I did, but much of the high-ability group had instead breezed by with as little effort as necessary to avoid repeating a grade. They cut 15-20 classes a quarter, didn't do homework, or copied from a friend, etc.

One of the guys had appeared one time too many in front of the judge on minor issues, and when he got accidentally swept up in the search for the perp of a big one, he was given the option of joining any military branch that would get him out of the state, or going to jail. Today, he is running the QA department of a manufacturer of extremely sensitive commercial aircraft equipment.

It would be easy to associate the turnaround with the authoritative nature of the military. But it would be dead wrong. One trait these guys all shared was a disregard for authority. Anyone who tried shouting an order at these guys would find themselves regretting it sooner or later. That wasn't something generally done in the technical fields anyway, because when you need talented people, you have to treat them a certain way to get them to do their best. There was a whole different culture in the electronics shops than, say, the engine room. But if an engineering officer found himself in charge of a detail with one of these guys, and started shouting orders, these guys would respond with passive resistance, then later create a situation in which the engineering officer made himself look really, really bad.

Based on this experience, I'd advise that anyone who is currently dealing with a child 11 or older that has tuned out the authority of the teachers to strongly reconsider adopting an authoritative approach as a possible solution. The child is already against what seems to be commands to perform useless and pointless tasks. If you start adding your voice to that of the teachers, you're only making yourself part of their problem.

So... what really turned these guys' lives around?

The work.

The work was interesting, challenging, and important. People's lives and millions of dollars depended on the state of the equipment, and how they performed their jobs to maintain it. These same guys who wouldn't invest five minutes to iron a uniform shirt would work 36 hours straight to resolve an equipment problem, and good luck pulling them away to get some sleep. Offer to call in civilian technical resources to assist, though, and you'll get yelled at. They took genuine pride in their abilities and their roles.

So... how do you relate this to an 11yo tuning out in school, so he can turn things around well before the onset of adulthood has limited his options? Here's how I'd do it:

1) Fight for proper placement in a challenging educational environment.
2) Set clear guidelines on what are acceptable minimum limits of effort, tailored to the individual strengths and weaknesses of that child. A child will be burned out if they're expected to do their very best on every task, no exceptions. Let them have some room to breathe.
3) Give them some guidance on how something that may seem meaningless to them now can build to something meaningful later. This is critical to getting "buy in."
4) Create positive rewards in which the child can gain access to more of what they love if they invest more in doing the things they don't.
5) Create negative rewards in which the child loses some access to the things they love if they fail to maintain minimum standards.

I am not sure what schools you are looking at for high school and their entrance requirements but it certainly isn't too late to turn things around. You have a few weeks across the summer holidays to talk with your son and figure some stuff out. Maybe make some time for chat dates over his favourite food or ice cream and be gentle. If he was making moves to find a solution to what he viewed as a problem and moved away from his friends, then he is looking for a way forward. Take that as your approach. Maybe start with, how do you feel school went this year? Take a collaborative approach. Look at his school work with him and see if there is a pattern to any problems. Is he missing any steps or knowledge. Tutoring will help. Take along copies of his NAPLAN results, the detailed page with every question on it. Tutors can see the patterns in any areas he might need help or extension as you mentioned he did well on the national testing.
Authoritative isn't authoritarian. Authoritarian implies strict rules, punishment for failure but with little respect for the child's opinions. Authoritative parenting also sets clear expectations and guidelines, but you have open discussion with your child. It is about being responsive, involved and supportive. Kids like to know what the boundaries and expectations are and how to meet them. If they don't meet them you need ways to help them meet them. There need to be consequences but necessarily just punishment. The consequences need to support the desired behaviour.
When DD didn't achieve results she, or I, expected in a class test, we talked about why that happened and a positive way forward. We discussed the need to replace screen time with bursts of study. We figured out that she studied better in certain ways that matched her visual style and worked on those. My job was to remind her to turn off the TV and why, so she could meet goals she had set. I made sure she ate and drank before studying and provided any materials she needed.
Talk with and work with your son. Let him know you are in this together. Pinpoint what he needs and help him set good goals and meet them. Don't expect perfection, it doesn't exist. Be realistic about the battles you pick, stick to what is most important to both of you. Make it a shared journey.

I think that Dude is onto something here-- a lack of INTRINSIC motivation to do what others wish that we would do.

KWIM?

I think that the reason why in MoN's case, making the decision was the appropriate one is that it was not a top-down, authoritarian move-- it was "I've heard you, but here is why I think that my plan is better than yours right now..."

I wasn't intrinsically motivated to do much that the adults in my life wanted me doing at 12-18yo.

I only BECAME motivated to achieve at levels more commensurate with my ability once I was in college and: a) the work got harder-- honestly, I started in a major that wasn't going to work out that way for me... BOY am I glad that I switched after taking a supporting course in another subject, b) it got cool to be a smart chick, and c) something just "clicked" in my head-- I wanted it. I hadn't before-- or I thought I wasn't worth it, or something. It was all tied up in my perfectionism, too-- so if I hadn't tried, then I couldn't chalk it up as a genuine "failure" in my head... lack of "failure" was my prime directive.

NOt sure if it's yet a success story, but things are better. My son had a lot of difficulty around the time he turned 12. He was in 6th grade. It's complicated but the short story is 6th grade did not go well, he grades were in the toilet, and antagonized his peers, and teachers. Honestly I didn't really care about his 6th grades by the time that year was over. He was already in a honors programs, and there wasn't an issue moving on to the next grade.

DS is now 14 (almost 15) and a freshmann (9th) in H.S. He did get some outside help with a psychologist. He is doing a LOT better, but things aren't perfect. He has really enjoyed marching band, and is sad it's almost over for the season. He is in all honors classes. He still isn't getting the grades I'd hoped, and still "under-performs" but not as drastically. Big issues we deal with is it's still a challenge to get him to not procrastinate. And one of his biggest problems is he gets stuck and doesn't complete something when he doesn't have what he thinks is the "perfect" answer.

Preteens are going through a lot of emotional upheavals. My feeling is some of what helped in his situation simply maturity and moving out of elementary school. One of the things I did was make sure he was part of the solution and I listened to him about what he wanted. The other was to insist that despite his bad performance in 6th grade, he NEEDED to stay in the GT program the following year. (And legally in my situation they had to until 8th grade) I was lucky and had a school counselor willing to work with me who had a fairly good understanding of the situation.

I'm not sure whether we are successful but we are hopefully on the right track. DS13 had a miserable time in grades 6 and 7. It was a time when all the bad feelings that he accumulated toward schools over the years surfaced and became too much to bear. I thank three factors that saved DS from going down the underachievement route too far. 1. He participates in lots of extracurricular activities including academic activities and a ton of music. He is always a high achiever in these activities, which helps him put things in perspective whenever he has self doubt. 2. He did the middle school talent search in 7th grade. We weren't interested before that time but realized that he needed reassurance. He got a fantastic result from the talent search, which helped him regain confidence in himself. 3. We pulled him out of the public middle school, which has a great reputation but really was a bad fit with DS. We are now in a private, gifted school, which turns out to be not nearly as good as we were hoping for. But the school gave DS a lot of space so at least he doesn't feel stifled anymore.