Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need to determine how to respond to DS

I am sure many of you have had to deal with this before and there are probably as many responses/approaches as there are values/beliefs/priorities/etc. I am not angry or looking to vent but really want to consider this situation carefully by examining different viewpoints.

DS mentioned to me earlier this week that his classmates are treating him like a wizard/whiz even though he does not consider himself one. He is puzzled that they are so willing to just take his word for it when it is partly a matter of interpretation. The problem is that about half of the GT kids in his 5th grade reading/lanaguage arts group are struggling with this quarter's literature selection. Our district literally just finished creating the new curriculum in the last couple of months due to adoption of Common Core. The lexile level is probably no more than 7-8th grade but the abundant archaic and technical vocabulary and satire increase the difficulty considerably.

I am sure that DS is perceived as intelligent as he gets straight A's but then so does DD, who is actually more popular/approachable but does not get all these requests for help. I suspect it may partly be due to the fact that he finishes early and that recently his teacher asked him to help another student (a good friend of his) after he completed his analysis/work since he gets done so fast. I think his classmates also ask DS because they are afraid to ask the teacher for fear that they may be removed from the GT/advanced group. A letter from the teacher attaching a chapter of the selecdtion came home a week or two ago letting the parents know that some of the students were frustrated with the difficulty but afraid to tell the teacher and urging the parents to work with their kids on the reading selection and to reassure them that they won't be reassigned based on some initial difficulties.

I am not sure how I want to respond. I do want DS to lend a helping hand based on both altruistic and selfish reasons. It is important that he understands the concepts of community and charity towards others. Furthermore, the teacher also indicated in her letter that she would have to make changes if the text continues to be way too difficult. I am not sure what that means but it would be a big let-down for DS if the curriculum gets watered down just when he is finally presented with something that wasn't super easy for him. The teacher had previously pointed out at PT conference that this reading selection was the first time that she saw DS paused and re-read for comprehension. So from a selfish perspective, if helping some of his classmates will ensure DS gets work close to his level, I don't think I want to discourage him from doing so. At the same time, I may want to advise DS as to reasonable limits, but I am not sure what they should be. His classmates are catching him after he already completed his work so it isn't really hurting him per se.

This is an interesting situation to consider and I see why you are ambivalent.

A few experiences come to my mind. In college, a professor asked me to help tutor some other students and I agreed, since I had plenty of time on my hands. As the semester continued, the complexity of my work load increased and the other students also became more and more in need of help. I ended up feeling burnt out and resentful towards the people I had agreed to help (a lose-lose situation.)

My DH was in this same boat many times in his early career. In a new job, he would quickly gain mastery, become technical group lead, and then feel frustrated that all his time was being sucked away to deal with other people's issues. Also, he noticed that many people stopped trying to solve their own problems because it was easier just to ask him to figure it out. Long story short, he finally found a team of people that cooperate and help each other, but nobody has to carry anybody else's weight. Everyone is equally as talented, so help is reciprocal.

Hmm, just thinking about your desire to teach the value of charity and community... I guess my experience is telling me that those are two different things: investing in community is win-win, but giving charitably has the potential to be win-lose. So I would probably err on the side of setting boundaries for helping others. At least at first, because scope creep is real.

You know, maybe putting together an after school study group could help or you could get the other parents on the same page in a group email. Or something... Anything that helps, but doesn't put too much pressure just on your child.

I didn't see the responses that came before mine. They are right on point, so I hope my post isn't too redundant.

While I understand your concern, from a BTDT perspective this may set a dangerous precedent for pressuring students to perform the teaching work which some may say the teacher ought to be doing. There will be many times in life to be selfless and community-minded of one's own free will, without duress, coercion, pressure, or threat of lowered curriculum.

Agreed! Establishing healthy boundaries is paramount.

Yes, it is very important to think long-term. A child especially may be manipulated with a sense of obligation to others.

On a current thread about deliberate self harm, one article mentioned a possible relation to maladaptive conflict resolution... a feeling of guilt for the unfair advantage of giftedness. Possibly an internalized feeling of guilt and unresolved conflict is planted by requiring students to tutor rather than to learn at their own pace, readiness, and ability level?

I think DS maintains clear boundaries as well, which is why he is less approachable than DD. As long as it isn't detrimental/disruptive, I will probably encourage him to help if he can.

It's a good idea to remind him that it is totally up to him whether and how much he wants to assist when it is not at the teacher's request. I suppose I will tell him to let me know if the teacher is making requests that he doesn't want to honor, although I doubt that will happen as this is an astute teacher in whom I have confidence.

Thank God DS (unlike his twin) has no compunction about saying no so it is unlikely that he will find himself in a burnt-out/resentful type situation. If anything, I will need to nudge him in the art of diplomatically turning people away.

In case I wasn't clear, the teacher was not trying to palm off her teacher responsibilities or "threatening" to lower the curriculum. She wants the students to let her know if they are floundering so that she can help them. I did not interpret her letter as a threat, but rather reassurance that the curriculum can be adjusted. I am not even sure if that meant for everyong in the group or for those struggling kids. i am just thinking realistically that there are already three groups and it may end up easier to water down the curriculum for the whole group.

I think working as a group has some great benefits. Almost a must with gifted kids. Whether it is a single student or several. Sometimes coming from a peer it can make a lasting impact.

My ds classes has several longer term projects in each class. On these projects the kids have a chance to have the teacher go over the work if they complete it early.
In LA they had to write a paper titled Characteristics of a Hero. My ds got it done early and I reminded him to run it by the teacher if he got the chance.
After school I asked him if he had the teacher go over the paper. He said the teacher said have one of your buddy read it. I asked what did he say. He said it was kind of "Listy".
I asked what did you do? He said he made a few minor adjustments, He said it reads more like a story now.
It seemed to me that the critic from the classmate stuck in his mind. In a very positive way. I don't know if this could have happened coming from a teacher.

All that to say, last year my son was nicknamed the Robot by a lot of his buddies at the public school he attended. He was the go to guy for help.
This year he goes to a private and this is totally amazing that they can share between classmates. He continues to gain respect for his peers.

Sorry for any confusion. seems different than "A letter from the teacher... urging the parents to work with their kids on the reading selection... she would have to make changes if the text continues to be way too difficult."

seems different than "it would be a big let-down for DS if the curriculum gets watered down", which some may say indicates a parent sounding concerned, not reassured, regarding changes the teacher's letter states she would have to make if the text continues to be way too difficult.

There seems to be a strong reaction to "threat of lowered curriculum", meaning indication of impending danger of something occurring, much like reading dark clouds in the sky as a threat of bad weather. This definition and use is different than saying the teacher was "threatening" or making "a threat", meaning expressing an intent to retaliate or injure. Same word, two different concepts, distinguished by context. Again, sorry for any confusion. I agree with what you are saying, I share your concerns. Thinking long term, I potentially see greater concerns.

No problem. That's inevitable with the internet. Obviously, if I actually posted the letter then there would be less confusion. I posted my reply partly in an attempt not to contribute to teacher bashing in deference to all the good teachers out there. The letter would be reassuring to the parents of most students - it is just that DS is an outlier. Personally, I believe that it is okay for the teacher to enlist the parents' help, especially the parents of purportedly GT students. The teacher was not expecting the parents to digest the reading selection for the students but wanted them to at least encourage the students to reread the selection a couple of times (maybe to the parent) and think about it.

Now I'm curious what they're reading, if you don't mind posting...but if so, that's ok.