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Joined: Jul 2013
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DD seems to really be irritated and distracted by her classmates that disrupt class. These disruptions, according to DD occur daily. I know that she needs to learn to ignore those bad behaviors. I also understand that when one or two of the children continually have meltdowns (screaming, crying, yelling at the teacher) that those are hard to ignore. Tonight, for something like the tenth night in a row, she asked to be home schooled. Then, tonight before going to sleep, she asked me how she could make herself get sick so she could stay home  I know that she needs to learn to tune out bad behavior choices, but when it is all day, every day and time gets taken off of recess for the entire class, I can't help but think it's not the right environment for her. I also know that she can be sensitive. Any experiences dealing with this sort of thing??
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How does she know about home schooling as an option?
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As a child in early elementary school, I told my parents that I hated school and didn't want to go. My parents told me I needed to learn to learn to deal with it. What I learned was that my parents were unsupportive and that complaining was futile. I don't think I learned anything in school but how many holes were in the ceiling tiles. I was a high achieving people pleaser, popular with my classmates, and absolutely miserable.
If your child is telling you she needs something, you should listen before she decides you are not worth approaching for help on anything...
Be sure to ask other questions about school. Is she learning anything?
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As a child in early elementary school, I told my parents that I hated school and didn't want to go. My parents told me I needed to learn to learn to deal with it. What I learned was that my parents were unsupportive and that complaining was futile. I don't think I learned anything in school but how many holes were in the ceiling tiles. I was a high achieving people pleaser, popular with my classmates, and absolutely miserable.
If your child is telling you she needs something, you should listen before she decides you are not worth approaching for help on anything...
Be sure to ask other questions about school. Is she learning anything? Minus the high achiever (I only achieved in the few areas that interested me) and the popularity (I am an introvert and if I work/study along side others I need quiet time at much breaks not socialising) me too. I learnt that my needs didn't count and that there was no point asking for anything. When I was told to ignore bullies I learnt that no-one thought it was important - basically as a counsellor told me years later I developed "learned helplessness" and depression. I also promised myself that I would never subject myself to waking up dreading the day every morning as an adult. This has resulted in sone very poor career decisions. Ask yourself - in the future you envision for your daughter will she ever feel obliged to tolerate the behavoir she has to now? Would the behavoir be the norm in any of the professions you know? Would you tolerate it in your workplace? Would your boss? Is she really learning a valuable lesson or just learning to put up with stuff? Can you home school or offer another alternative?
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Could it be that you don't see viable alternatives to this school, and that consequently that makes you not want to see it as being as bad as it really is?
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I was miserable in school, too. Looking back, I think I was one of only 2 HG+ kids in my grade -- and the other girl left for private school. I was subjected to near constant bullying. Some years were better, some were worse. Most of the bullying was verbal, but on one occasion, I was beat up. It was humiliating. I learned to be ashamed of who I was. I had no idea why this was happening except this vague knowledge that I was different. Attitudes to bullying were different then. When I told me mom about it, she comforted me and encouraged me to ignore them, but nothing else was done. When I fell in love with Russian lit at 14 and realized that the Rostov children in War & Peace didn't go to school but learned at home from a tutor, I pretty much decided then I would homeschool my kids.
And, hey! My dd has made it to 11 without any significant bullying! She doesn't feel badly about herself! Isn't depressed! Or lonely! Homeschooling has been great for us.
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Gardengirl, I'm so sorry that this is happening!
You've gotten great advice, and these are hardly sage words, but trust your gut instincts. Gather information as the others have suggested and then go with your instincts.
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Could it be that you don't see viable alternatives to this school, and that consequently that makes you not want to see it as being as bad as it really is? I see viable alternatives. My husband on the other hand isn't quite on board with that. However, we have a meeting scheduled with the child psychologist that gave DD the WISC-IV to discuss this matter. DH is HG and tends to think more literally and less with feelings/emotions, which is completely opposite of me:-)
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I'd delve a little further. What is it that bothers her? When kids have meltdowns, does the teacher help them feel better? Does the teacher make it easier for the kids to feel good so they don't get so frustrated?
For my dd, it wasn't the meltdown as much as it was the climate in the classroom that she felt wasn't supporting the vulnerable kids. Some kids can see the storm coming and they just get tired of the building anxiety.
If your dd is able to verbalize what it is that bothers her about school, then you can help her think of an action plan that improves the situation. If it's the meltdowns that bother her, then she could consider moving to another part of the room, putting her fingers in her ears, asking to go to the bathroom, reading a book, whatever it is that makes her feel more in control.
If it's a negative teacher or classroom climate, she can think of other things to do.
These are great times for her to learn about herself, and teach her how to take care of herself.
I would not pull out until she knows what's going on and there has been a conference with the teacher. Faking illness is a real red flag that something needs to be done-- and running away isn't a healthy response. Leaving for good reason is a different story. Thanks Master of None! She is sensitive, probably highly sensitive and very empathetic. I think it may be too much going on and it just builds all day long. We did a little role playing last night. She was the teacher and she kept stopping in mid-sentence because some of the "kids" were not paying attention. She also talked about when one of her classmates screams, cries and yells at the teacher how upsetting and distracting it is. (I've seen it and it's not a pretty sight.) So, we talked about covering her ears, taking a deep breath, and focusing on her breathing as a way to manage. We need to delve further. Thank you for your great advice!
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The noise and disruption is just an inconvenience. What really matters is, is she learning at her own preferred pace and being intellectually challenged. If not, you need to consider alternatives.
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I'd delve a little further. What is it that bothers her? When kids have meltdowns, does the teacher help them feel better? Does the teacher make it easier for the kids to feel good so they don't get so frustrated?
For my dd, it wasn't the meltdown as much as it was the climate in the classroom that she felt wasn't supporting the vulnerable kids. Some kids can see the storm coming and they just get tired of the building anxiety. Totally agree. I would talk not only with the teacher but also perhaps with the principal. The kids who are having meltdowns are virtually guaranteed to be not having enough support. This is bad for everyone. If you can advocate for more appropriate support, everyone wins. It may also be wise (this is for those kids and parents to decide) to have a process of disclosure where the class openly talks about what is going on with someone when they are melting down or struggling. We found that this helped kids not be scared and show appropriate empathy, which in turn helps everyone. DeeDee
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I'd like to add myself to the "school made me miserable" list.  My parents felt that I needed to learn to "toughen up" and deal with the world; but, being exposed to unpleasant things all day just made me more sensitized and intolerant of minor discomforts. As an adult, I've learned to respect my limits when it comes to emotional and sensory stimuli. Otherwise, my physical and mental health really suffer. Over time, I have found some social and work environments that are mostly comfortable, most of the time. These are my home bases. Now that I have these in place, I find that I am more and more capable of coping with challenges. I feel that the momentum has slowly shifted from downward spiral to upward spiral. It would have been great to build in that direction from an earlier age!
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It does sound lime either there are kids in the class who need more help or the teacher is pretty bad. Kids do melt down sometimes but it shouldn't be happening daily. She may be like me in that when something bad happens and she is there she feels she should have been able to prevent it, she may want to protect the child from the teacher ir other children and can't , she may feel she has to fix things (I always want to fix aguements between family and friends - even when they don't have a problem), she could just be exhausted by the environment. You need to try and get her to work out what would fix the problem - and if that is something that can be done.
But please if it is in your power to do so don't let her be crushed by school.
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The noise and disruption is just an inconvenience. What really matters is, is she learning at her own preferred pace and being intellectually challenged. If not, you need to consider alternatives. I disagree with the first part of this. Noise and disruption is more than just "an inconvenience" for some of us. Even if the material is at the perfect level for the learner, it can be nigh well impossible to focus on it if your neighbor is chattering, some kid in the back is yelling, or the teacher frequently stops to reprimand someone. As an adult, I wouldn't tolerate noise and disruption in my classes, so why should a child be asked to get used to it?
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The noise and disruption is just an inconvenience. What really matters is, is she learning at her own preferred pace and being intellectually challenged. If not, you need to consider alternatives. I disagree with the first part of this. Noise and disruption is more than just "an inconvenience" for some of us. Even if the material is at the perfect level for the learner, it can be nigh well impossible to focus on it if your neighbor is chattering, some kid in the back is yelling, or the teacher frequently stops to reprimand someone. As an adult, I wouldn't tolerate noise and disruption in my classes, so why should a child be asked to get used to it? I suppose my view of a bad school sitution (apart from innapropriate academics) is being in constant fear of being physically assaulted, having that fear realized countless times, and living with a culture of absolute silence enforced not only by students but by the staff. Mere classroom noise seems utterly petty and trivial by comparison.
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I was able to talk to DD's teacher yesterday. The teacher said that it had in fact been an especially "bad" week for behavior in the classroom. She was attributing the bad behavior to the upcoming Thanksgiving break. So, she said that she has started giving students who make good behavior choices the chance to have ipad time in the morning or at the end of the day. According to the teacher, yesterday was a pretty good day, because some of the "usual suspects" were ill.
DD is sensitive to noise. Still can't use a bathroom with the dreaded "Accelerator" hand dryers!
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DD is sensitive to noise. Still can't use a bathroom with the dreaded "Accelerator" hand dryers! I feel badly for her as this must be very limiting. It may be an area to delve into further and explore potential causes. For example I've heard of similar responses from children who were adopted from desperate conditions, including orphanages in devastated areas, who subsequently needed help processing some things including loud sounds. On the other hand, I'm aware that sensitivity to noise can sometimes be an indication of ear infections which left undetected and untreated have lead to permanent decrease in hearing, even deafness.
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I suppose my view of a bad school sitution (apart from innapropriate academics) is being in constant fear of being physically assaulted, having that fear realized countless times, and living with a culture of absolute silence enforced not only by students but by the staff. Mere classroom noise seems utterly petty and trivial by comparison. If your child has Sensory processing disorder, the noise and other distractions become a matter of learning everything or nothing. I have a child who himself becomes a distraction if there's too much distraction.
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The noise and disruption is just an inconvenience. What really matters is, is she learning at her own preferred pace and being intellectually challenged. If not, you need to consider alternatives. I disagree with the first part of this. Noise and disruption is more than just "an inconvenience" for some of us. Even if the material is at the perfect level for the learner, it can be nigh well impossible to focus on it if your neighbor is chattering, some kid in the back is yelling, or the teacher frequently stops to reprimand someone. As an adult, I wouldn't tolerate noise and disruption in my classes, so why should a child be asked to get used to it? I suppose my view of a bad school sitution (apart from innapropriate academics) is being in constant fear of being physically assaulted, having that fear realized countless times, and living with a culture of absolute silence enforced not only by students but by the staff. Mere classroom noise seems utterly petty and trivial by comparison. TRUE, but everything is relative and the fact that things could be worse doesn't mean you should tolerate what is bad.
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