Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Help with new behaviour

Recently my DD4 has developed a very bad attitude towards DS2 and towards me - yelling, being rude, stomping feet etc. This is a real problem because it sets of DS and then they get into it and then I have to intervene. Previously DD has, as much as a 4 year old can, been kind and fairly patient with DS. In the past two months DD has become increasingly intolerant of DS and his interest in being with and like his sister. As well, DD has started becoming inflexible with me and my requests for cleaning up toys, putting dishes in the sink etc.

A little over a week ago I noticed a complete reversal in attitude after reading with DD for about a half hour about endangered species. So over the past week I have been trying to reverse the behavior by taking a bit of time to do a bit of reading about endangered species, ocean pollution etc. It seems to be working. We have not in the past done structured learning at home, mostly just let DD play as she liked. She did not ask to read with me, I offered and she has accepted readily.

A bit of background. DD is in a Montessori school 3-5yr class full time, and hasn't mentioned she isn't learning - though I know she is at times not challenged. DD loves to learn and I have been confused that she does not come home very often talking about what she learned that day or what she is working on.

My question is have any of you experienced anything like this before? Could this be related to lack of learning in school? I do not think this is related to lack of attention from me as I do play with the children all the time. Also, she was just home for 11 days and the attitude continued. I am about at my wits end with the conflict between my children, and if all I have to do is fix (haha) the school situation I will hop right to it Any thoughts and ideas are greatly appreciated!

And what was the consequence for her behavior in these instances?

I'd be hesitant to tie this behavior to anything at that age. They are still testing you and trying to find boundaries. You just need to have clear rules and consequences.

If it works do it. It could be she needs the stimulation but it could also be she needs mummy time or quiet time or even just someone else to make the decision about what to do.

Epoh, all situations are a bit different, but the general pattern is a warning the behavior, words etc. are unacceptable. Letting her know what is acceptable, or asking what is acceptable (kind words, kind tone etc). Asking how she can "fix" the situation - she usually knows. Allowing time for reflection (if necessary) and when she and DS are both ready, facilitating the fix (DS still needs a bit of help). If that doesn't work, which doesn't always, then it is separation of the two (in what ever manner works for the moment)- DD may be given the non-negotiable opportunity of going to her room to take some time to cool off. When she is ready she can join the family with a kind a loving attitude. I am consistent and the rules are as clear as they can be. But the exhausting part is the pattern repeats itself often. I haven't found the special toy, thing, activity yet that motivates her and I've tried many. She may be upset for a minute, but there is no lasting impression.

The reason I posted is because I initially thought it was mommy time - she is a real mama's girl. But even extra time only seemed to stave off the behavior for a small amount of time (10-20 min). Then I stumbled upon reading and DH has started playing chess with DD. The best way i can describe it is that both activities seem to "flip a switch" in DD and when the activity is done she is so kind, loving and plays so well for at least an hour or two with her brother.

Puffin, I haven't given it much thought about someone making decisions for her and is a really good point. There had in the past been feedback from school DD was not selecting her own tasks as they would like her to. I feel like I do provide suggestions of activities when necessary, but I will mull that over a bit more.

The book, "The Explosive Child", was very helpful for us in establishing a foundation for collaborative problem solving when the 3's took us by storm.

I was surprised at how well DS3 came up with solutions that we could both agree upon once we voiced our concerns after the storm subsided. His need to assert his independence at this age tied in nicely with him being the one to offer solutions. The solutions have to be mutually agreeable, so it builds skills for the natural give-and-take your child will need throughout life and encourages creativity.

I was often surprised that my assumptions about the root of the problem were wrong, but it was a lesson that I needed to learn. The approach has the family improve skills over time and just requires commitment and patience to see results.

With my first born and now Dylan I have seen that some focused time slot helps stave off the need for this sort of behaviour. Really with both of them if I don't do something daily with them, it's worse for everyone. So much so that even if we go away I always do something specific with them. Aiden now chooses what he wants to do and I let dylan pick from two activities. I think it's a combination of needing that one on one focused time with you and then also needing a bit more stimulation as well. Intense kids sometimes struggle to know where and how to focus their intensities.

Thank you for the recommendation! I bought the book and have already started some implementation. The book's philosophy really seems to line up with the way DD thinks. One step closer to peace in my house