Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Processing Loss of Friendship

Can anyone offer advice on how to help a child, 3 �, who develops very strong emotional attachments and has trouble with transitions/changes process the loss of a friendship?

This loss triggered a major flare-up in his SPD resulting in explosive behavior. We are using a variety of strategies to help him with regulation including OT � only 3 weeks in, but already OT has greatly improved our ability to help him. He is getting calmer now, but still expressing sadness about the loss of his friend and saying how much he misses him.

I listen, acknowledge his loss and offer empathy, but I�m wondering if there is anything else I could be saying or doing to help him process his feelings.

Sounds like you are helping him very much already. Some may also share a story with their child, of a similar experience they went through, how they felt, what other positive things they focused on to keep themselves mentally occupied, and how perhaps these other things led to new friendships based on a common interest.

Kids may enjoy learning that many have "school friends", "math friends", "dance friends", etc until they are older and may experience deeper friendships.

One of my favorite analogies was from a parent who shared with children that a balloon is like some friendships which may be short-lived... bursting or drifting away... then helped kids find what was good about the balloon (and the kids they had a temporary friendship with), talk about what things the temporary friend had added to their life... this helped kids avoid bitterness and overcome sadness or feelings of rejection.

There are books especially geared to gifted kids, as gifted kids may experience things more intensely. Great Potential Press, Prufrock Press, Royal Fireworks Press, Free Spirit Publishing, Hoagies Gifted Education Page, and the book "Some of my best friends are books" list out many titles for bibliotherapy.

Magination Press, imprint of American Psychological Association (APA), also offers books which may be of interest.

For Parents, the books "A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children" and "Living with Intensity" may provide ongoing comfort, guidance, a heads-up on what to expect on your journey, and a sense of normalcy from knowing you are not alone.

Hugs to you and your DC, and wishing the best for your child's healing and resiliency when friendships may wax and wane, or end.

I found a stack of old favorite books geared for kids. While these do not deal specifically with the loss of a friendship, they speak to the depth of emotion, and friendship in general. For older kids, parents may want to read the books first so they are prepared to engage in discussion. For young children, parents may want to read and select a thought or two to share.
1) Understanding Myself, A kid's guide to intense emotions and strong feelings by Mary C. Lamia PhD, Magination Press
2) Being Me, A kid's guide to boosting confidence and self-esteem by Wendy L. Moss PhD, Magination Press
3) 101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids by Christine Fonseca, Prufrock Press
4) The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide for ages 10 & under by Judy Galbraith M.A., Free Spirit Publishing

Anyone else have books or thoughts to share?

I just picked up #1 from the library yesterday for DD9 - I haven't even given it to her yet. It looks good from a quick look-through, though. She adores 101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids, too.

I like the American Girl emotions book. I think it's called "The Care and Keeping of My Emotions" or something like that. DD9 enjoyed The Care and Keeping of Me and also that one.

Yes! That is another great one. So glad you mentioned it.

A recent sports news story highlights that issues of friendship (and related issues of teamwork, maintaining healthy boundaries) extend well beyond pre-school and elementary school, continuing into adulthood. Here is one analysis of the recent development on a pro football team: (link- http://growingleaders.com/blog/bullying-nfl-leadership-issue/).

Some have found that pre-teens and teens, developing a sense of independence, may be particularly vulnerable as they learn about forming boundaries for healthy friendships and avoiding various forms of exploitation. The leader guide for Unmasking Sexual Con Games may be a valuable aid to keeping relationships healthy. Interested parents/guardians may find it helpful for coaching children to develop skill in building safe friendships, detecting manipulation and "grooming" of all sorts, as well as being aware of any attempts in their own children (or among adults they may know) to manipulate or pressure others to step outside of ethical bounds. (link- http://www.boystownpress.org/index.php/unmasking-sexual-con-games-leaders-guide.html)

We don't have exactly this issue but I think we are in a similar situation. My 3 year old is really grieving the change in seasons from fall to winter this year. Not the same really but it is about recognizing change, growing up, that there is nothing you can do to make it the way you want, and an awareness that growing older is not always what you want it to be. We acknowledge that we loved Fall and had a great time and that winter here is hard, we explain that we too wish we could control it, talk about the great memories we have that are special, and talk about how we will have many new special memories in the winter. We also talk about why winter is needed in the seasons here and how wonderful Spring will be. He is getting better about it, but I can tell it is hard. We are in the rough period of weather when it gets dark really early, is very cold, and is just rainy and soggy. We should get snow this week and I'm hoping that will help.

FWIW, I think you are handling it really well. It is hard for me as an adult to say goodbye to good friends. I think for a sensitive little one who may have the intellectual ability to understand what is happening with the asynchronous emotions may struggle with it... and that is both okay and to be expected, along with heartbreaking to watch. True kindred spirits are rare at any age. It is actually pretty amazing that he is mature enough to recognize that at 3.5. Even as adults, there are many times we know we should accept something and move on, but our feelings take a little longer.

Thanks for these suggestions. I just put a hold on all of them at the library to check out soon. My DS can be an intense kid and I think reading a book rather than listening to me try to talk him down may help.