Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What if a child doesnt want to be accelerated?

Hi All

I have been lurking on this board for some time now and have learnt so much about living with gifted children from you wonderful ladies! (and the occasional man)

I am after some advice regarding acceleration. I have a DD10 in grade 4 who has recently been assessed (at the request of our G/T coordinator) Her FSIQ is 147 (WISC IV). All subtests scored very evenly. She is a high achiever, always been the very top of her class etc. No behavioural problems (not at school anyways...

The school has offered her a full year grade skip but she doesnt want to go! (doesnt want to leave her friends, her teacher who is brilliant, fear of the unknown.. It is stressing her to the point where it is making her physically ill )

Most (but not everything) I've read (and believe me I have read a lot over the last few weeks LOL ) indicates that grade skipping is a good thing. Her school indicated that she would probably also need another in a few years.
(I'm in a different country that runs the school year from Feb-Dec so the idea is she would do half a year in grade 4 and half in grade 5 and next year move to grade 6)

Sadly, they will not offer her a trial in the new class (policy of no more than 30 kids in any one class and wont break the rule for just one week which is really silly and very annoying (the child she would be replacing doesnt leave for a few more weeks and she wouldnt join until they left)- Plus, its a private school with a waiting list so if she gives up her year 4 spot thats it. One way door. No going back!

Not surprisingly the finality of all this is adding to her reluctance to go. DH and I have decided we will not force her to go if she really doesnt want to but would like her to make her decision knowing all her options and if she cant sample her new class (teacher, kids, type of work they are doing etc) how can she make an informed decision?

We actually did a similar thing with my DS (7) last year and he telescoped kindergarten and year 1 into one year and that was so much easier as he hadnt really had time to make friends (and I guess the friends you make at 6 are a little more transitory than the ones you have at 10) I really wish we had done this with DD much earlier in her school career but we really had no idea about gifted children back then - just thought she was bright.

Does anyone have any ideas what we could do next? I hate to see her so upset and do not want to sacrifice her happiness and emotional wellbeing for the 'opportunity to realise her potential'.

kind regards

Lisa

edited to add- she currently attends 3 pullout extension classes a week and her teacher extends her a great deal in the class itself. They have given us an IEP which Im pretty happy with if we decide against the grade skip.

Welcome Lisa!

Wow, what a tough decision. However, it sounds like your DD's school is much more flexible than most schools in terms of differentiating instruction in grade - and you have an IEP so you have a basis for advocating if she is not learning in the classroom next year. Maybe they would even consider some online self-paced learning such as EPGY to ensure she is learning at her level. I know there are some folks on this board who have HG+ kids who did not grade skip but were successfully accomodated in their current grade classroom. Rare, but it does happen depending on the flexibility of the teacher and support of the school/district.

According to the Iowa Acceleration Scale, a kid that does not want to skip is *automatically* considered a bad candidate for a skip. However, I am skeptical about any hard and fast rules
that generalize to all kids...

Welcome Lisa,

What a tough decision you have on your hands!

On one hand a FSIQ of over 145 on the WISC is incredibly rare, it would be difficult to meet the child's learning needs in any situation, but it sounds like your school is trying and that she is happy. Great!!!!!!!

On the other hand, if she refuses the skip, my opinion is that a one year grade skip doesn't magically solve the problem. Most kids at that level will catch up to the next grade kids incredibly quickly. If she is miserable with her new classmates, it might not be worth it.

MHO...I'm sure others have evidence to the contrary.

Good luck

Hi Lisa,

You may want to try a few playdates with some of the kids in the incoming class. I get the feeling one of her biggest fears is loosing her friends. Perhaps if she finds one or two kids she really likes in the new class she would be more comfortable? Also, are there any special priviliges she would be getting in the new grade? My dd is doing a whole skip next year and as soon as she heard she would get to play the violin a year earlier, she was on board.

Otherwise, I am with Dottie, Jool and 'Neato. I would not force her to do the skip unless she wants to do it.

Hi Lisa - I don't have any experience in this, since my DS4 is a preschooler, but in my ideal world, my kid would be in class with his agemates, but with accommodations made for him. It sounds like your daughter has a great situation now. I guess I would just make sure she is learning new material and is challenged somewhat.

Your comment that the stress was making your daughter physically ill made me think of a time when I was close to a nervous breakdown because I was working the night shift and my body couldn't handle it. I suddenly realized, "I don't have to do this - I can find another job!" Since you don't have to make this move, I say don't do it. Usually the accleration push comes from parents whose kids are not getting what they need. I think it's great that your school will offer this, but if it wasn't a concern in your family before they mentioned it, I vote stay put in your good situation.

I was skipped. It was not my idea and I was given only a day to decide. I did not really want to be skipped, but did not have time to think it through. I didn't want to cause problems, so I agreed. I HATED it. I lost the friends I had in the old class and I was not able to make new friends in my new class for several years. By high school, things were better, but I am not sure what I gained by being skipped; I know what I lost.

My limited experience is that there are social consquences for girls who have good friends in their current grade. It can be really painful to skip and can take years to recover socially.

I agree with that advice, CFK, with the caveat that an underchallenged girl may not act out or be miserable, yet she may still not be getting what she needs. (Boys can do this, too, and girls can act out, but I think the teacher-pleasing child who learns to underachieve to keep adults happy is a problem more specific to girls.) The irreversibility of the decision is troubling, too. That's a lot of pressure.

I wouldn't recommend skipping based on what you've told us, since it looks like your DD's needs are being met in ways other than a skip. But I don't necessarily subscribe to the "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" philosophy of HG+ education. HG+ kids are really good at covering up problems, especially by age 10. I think you have to be looking for little things, not necessarily giant signs of misery. Change is scary, and that fear may unfairly color her response to her school situation. Feelings are an important factor, but they're not the end of the story. I think you have to decide based on what the child's true needs are, not judge solely by how they feel. That misses a lot.

Great idea!

When it comes to teachers, a good one who 'gets' your daughter is a very rare and wonderful thing! It's great that the school wants to offer a skip, but I would be real hesitant about losing a half year with a good-for-your-kid teacher.

Arent' you glad you've gotten started with your son at a younger age?
Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi Lisa

It has been our observation, that the childs happiness needs to be considered. No hard fast rules, each child is different. Fear of change, being comfortable where they are, etc...
Our DS15 was unhappy with a school move we made last year, he fought it and never really tried to make it work out, we are moving him back to the public school, with some restrictions, but he seems so much more motavated. I am learning that nothing is permamnant and flexability is the rule. As far as her potential, a grade skip may not be enouogh. With our HG+ DS5 we augment at home, and expand where we can. It's a lot of work, but it seems to be working for now.

Welcome, and best of luck.

I agree meeting with some of the older kids is good idea. Though, I will interject that I was skipped into a class in which I already had a good friend. She had a hard time accepting me, since part of our relationship had been that she was "bigger" than me. She punished me socially for moving into her space. I know this is a different situation but I don't want people to assume that just having a friend in the next class will always make things better.

There can be real shunning by the old friends as well. I think girls are especially good at ostrisizing those who break their social rules. And in some cases, skipping up a grade is breaking a pretty big rule.

There are a lot of circumstances where this is no problem, so I am not saying that a skip will cause problems. But I would be most cautious of skipping a socially accepted girl in a small school.

Lisa,
I have some more questions -

Does this school go all the way through High School? Does she 'change buildings' or have a lot of new classmates at certian years?

Is the school willing to keep her where she is and do the skip over the winter break, so that she starts the year fresh with a new grade?

Does you daughter show any of the behaviors of perfectionism, unwillingness to try things she isn't good at? Or 'having to be perfect?' That is sometimes a better indicator of a parent needing to push than 'good' behavior in school.

Are there 'January' programs where she could spend time with other gifted children and see what she is missing?

Can she try attending the 3 'pullout extentions' with the grade 5 kids but staying in 4 for the rest of the day? Her Level of giftedness suggests that she would be a good fit with regular-gifted kids who are a year older.

Is she a bit on the young side in her classroom to start with?

Is she heavily involved in an 'afterschool' interest (dance, gymnastics, etc) that takes up a more than usual amount of time and energy?

Overall my advice is to try the playdates, and keep your eyes open for 'little chances' to let her try to be with older kids. What you don't want is to not push if her reason for resisiting is that she doesn't think she is capable.

A useful thing that I keep in mind, is that kids only build self-esteem when they succed at challenges that looked 'big' to them when they first faced them. An underplaced kid can get A's all day long and their self-esteem can really suffer. A wonderful teacher can provide challenge no matter what the number on the door is!

Smiles,
Grinity

wow! what wonderful replies :-) Otherside of the world here so have just woken up and need to rush off to Saturday sports but I will be back later. Thank you so much ladies- I knew this was a great place :-)

Lx

Firstly, a caveat- we spell somethings differently to you down here (colour/color realise/realize etc) Just so you don't think my child must be adopted LOL

Back to her...

You asked some questions Grinity:
Yes, the school goes through to the end of formal schooling at aged 18 or so.
Her new class would literally be above the one she is in. The school is split into junior (k-6) and senior (7-12) and the two school share one campus -one on each side. They share a library, gym, canteen. I love the school and like the fact it's co-ed (single sex secondary ( grades 7-12) schools are very common here), and there are some great families here. I would like to keep the 3 of them (DD5 just started kindergarten) here and most of her friends parents intend them to stay here also. There are approx 600 kids k-6 and 500 7-12. Not sure if that makes it a big school where you are or not! Average here.

Except it would be our summer break, yes this is a possibility assuming a spot becomes vacant in year 6 (which is likely) then she would miss year 5 rather than telescope 4/5. This may work out better as, as many of you have suggested, we could facilitate some friendships with the current year 5 girls over the next 6 months then they could all start year 6 together.

She is a perfectionist but is always willing to try new things.

Already does these and loves them. They are aged based but pitched 2-3 years above age level so I think they would be more challenging than the work she would get if she skipped. She loves these by the way- does them 3 times a year during vactions. They are run by the same university Miraca Gross works at. So now you know where we live!

Another good suggestion! There are only 3 45 min sessions a week though. But if we were looking at skipping next year this would be a good way to make friends with those kids in the next grade up.

No. Due to her birthday she could have started the year before she did but her preschool recommended she wait a year as she was socially immature. If I knew then what I know now I would have realised what they had assumed was immaturity was really just incompatibility between her and her classmates. Oh how I wish we had started her earlier!! Then we might not be having this conversation She is the top third age wise.

Not really- girl guides one afternoon, basketball takes one afternoon for training and game time Saturday morning. She learns the sax but does this during school time. She will start debating with year 5 in term 3 after school one day a week (an initiative in her IEP)

I loved the comments about staying an extra 6 months with a teacher who 'gets' her (she has had 2 in 5 years who have- the rest weren't bad, just not as accommodating or proactive). I'm leaning towards declining this skip, getting her aquainted with some of the girls in the next grade over the next 6 months with a possible view to moving to their grade come the new school year. And if she doesn't want to do that, just do the best we can each year to keep her accommodated in the grade she is in.

And then when I think we are all decided, I read Kriston s comment about kids building self esteem by trying things they weren't sure they could do. And wonder if I should gently push her anyway...

At the end of the day though it has to be her decision and she is pretty adament she doesn't want to go. And if the only reason to send her is to provide more challenging work then as many of you have pointed out that may well not happen anyway making the whole skip pointless.

I will be sure to keep you posted as to her decision! Thank you again for all your wonderful advice and wisdom. I love reading your posts and have learned so much about gifted education and advocacy from you all over the last few weeks.

Kind regards

Lisa