Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What if a child doesnt want to be accelerated?

Hi All

I have been lurking on this board for some time now and have learnt so much about living with gifted children from you wonderful ladies! (and the occasional man)

I am after some advice regarding acceleration. I have a DD10 in grade 4 who has recently been assessed (at the request of our G/T coordinator) Her FSIQ is 147 (WISC IV). All subtests scored very evenly. She is a high achiever, always been the very top of her class etc. No behavioural problems (not at school anyways...

The school has offered her a full year grade skip but she doesnt want to go! (doesnt want to leave her friends, her teacher who is brilliant, fear of the unknown.. It is stressing her to the point where it is making her physically ill )

Most (but not everything) I've read (and believe me I have read a lot over the last few weeks LOL ) indicates that grade skipping is a good thing. Her school indicated that she would probably also need another in a few years.
(I'm in a different country that runs the school year from Feb-Dec so the idea is she would do half a year in grade 4 and half in grade 5 and next year move to grade 6)

Sadly, they will not offer her a trial in the new class (policy of no more than 30 kids in any one class and wont break the rule for just one week which is really silly and very annoying (the child she would be replacing doesnt leave for a few more weeks and she wouldnt join until they left)- Plus, its a private school with a waiting list so if she gives up her year 4 spot thats it. One way door. No going back!

Not surprisingly the finality of all this is adding to her reluctance to go. DH and I have decided we will not force her to go if she really doesnt want to but would like her to make her decision knowing all her options and if she cant sample her new class (teacher, kids, type of work they are doing etc) how can she make an informed decision?

We actually did a similar thing with my DS (7) last year and he telescoped kindergarten and year 1 into one year and that was so much easier as he hadnt really had time to make friends (and I guess the friends you make at 6 are a little more transitory than the ones you have at 10) I really wish we had done this with DD much earlier in her school career but we really had no idea about gifted children back then - just thought she was bright.

Does anyone have any ideas what we could do next? I hate to see her so upset and do not want to sacrifice her happiness and emotional wellbeing for the 'opportunity to realise her potential'.

kind regards

Lisa

edited to add- she currently attends 3 pullout extension classes a week and her teacher extends her a great deal in the class itself. They have given us an IEP which Im pretty happy with if we decide against the grade skip.

Welcome Lisa!

Wow, what a tough decision. However, it sounds like your DD's school is much more flexible than most schools in terms of differentiating instruction in grade - and you have an IEP so you have a basis for advocating if she is not learning in the classroom next year. Maybe they would even consider some online self-paced learning such as EPGY to ensure she is learning at her level. I know there are some folks on this board who have HG+ kids who did not grade skip but were successfully accomodated in their current grade classroom. Rare, but it does happen depending on the flexibility of the teacher and support of the school/district.

According to the Iowa Acceleration Scale, a kid that does not want to skip is *automatically* considered a bad candidate for a skip. However, I am skeptical about any hard and fast rules
that generalize to all kids...

Welcome Lisa,

What a tough decision you have on your hands!

On one hand a FSIQ of over 145 on the WISC is incredibly rare, it would be difficult to meet the child's learning needs in any situation, but it sounds like your school is trying and that she is happy. Great!!!!!!!

On the other hand, if she refuses the skip, my opinion is that a one year grade skip doesn't magically solve the problem. Most kids at that level will catch up to the next grade kids incredibly quickly. If she is miserable with her new classmates, it might not be worth it.

MHO...I'm sure others have evidence to the contrary.

Good luck

Hi Lisa,

You may want to try a few playdates with some of the kids in the incoming class. I get the feeling one of her biggest fears is loosing her friends. Perhaps if she finds one or two kids she really likes in the new class she would be more comfortable? Also, are there any special priviliges she would be getting in the new grade? My dd is doing a whole skip next year and as soon as she heard she would get to play the violin a year earlier, she was on board.

Otherwise, I am with Dottie, Jool and 'Neato. I would not force her to do the skip unless she wants to do it.

Hi Lisa - I don't have any experience in this, since my DS4 is a preschooler, but in my ideal world, my kid would be in class with his agemates, but with accommodations made for him. It sounds like your daughter has a great situation now. I guess I would just make sure she is learning new material and is challenged somewhat.

Your comment that the stress was making your daughter physically ill made me think of a time when I was close to a nervous breakdown because I was working the night shift and my body couldn't handle it. I suddenly realized, "I don't have to do this - I can find another job!" Since you don't have to make this move, I say don't do it. Usually the accleration push comes from parents whose kids are not getting what they need. I think it's great that your school will offer this, but if it wasn't a concern in your family before they mentioned it, I vote stay put in your good situation.

I was skipped. It was not my idea and I was given only a day to decide. I did not really want to be skipped, but did not have time to think it through. I didn't want to cause problems, so I agreed. I HATED it. I lost the friends I had in the old class and I was not able to make new friends in my new class for several years. By high school, things were better, but I am not sure what I gained by being skipped; I know what I lost.

My limited experience is that there are social consquences for girls who have good friends in their current grade. It can be really painful to skip and can take years to recover socially.

I agree with that advice, CFK, with the caveat that an underchallenged girl may not act out or be miserable, yet she may still not be getting what she needs. (Boys can do this, too, and girls can act out, but I think the teacher-pleasing child who learns to underachieve to keep adults happy is a problem more specific to girls.) The irreversibility of the decision is troubling, too. That's a lot of pressure.

I wouldn't recommend skipping based on what you've told us, since it looks like your DD's needs are being met in ways other than a skip. But I don't necessarily subscribe to the "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" philosophy of HG+ education. HG+ kids are really good at covering up problems, especially by age 10. I think you have to be looking for little things, not necessarily giant signs of misery. Change is scary, and that fear may unfairly color her response to her school situation. Feelings are an important factor, but they're not the end of the story. I think you have to decide based on what the child's true needs are, not judge solely by how they feel. That misses a lot.

Great idea!

When it comes to teachers, a good one who 'gets' your daughter is a very rare and wonderful thing! It's great that the school wants to offer a skip, but I would be real hesitant about losing a half year with a good-for-your-kid teacher.

Arent' you glad you've gotten started with your son at a younger age?
Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi Lisa

It has been our observation, that the childs happiness needs to be considered. No hard fast rules, each child is different. Fear of change, being comfortable where they are, etc...
Our DS15 was unhappy with a school move we made last year, he fought it and never really tried to make it work out, we are moving him back to the public school, with some restrictions, but he seems so much more motavated. I am learning that nothing is permamnant and flexability is the rule. As far as her potential, a grade skip may not be enouogh. With our HG+ DS5 we augment at home, and expand where we can. It's a lot of work, but it seems to be working for now.

Welcome, and best of luck.