Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school 4yo needing constant input?

Hi all,

I'm hoping for some insight on my nearly 4yo boy. His personality was pretty intense and high-needs from birth, and right now it's coming out in a way I find especially challenging to deal with: he wants to talk with you all the time and needs an adult to play with him. All. the. time. He attends a terrific play-based preschool 3x week, but the rest of the time he's home with me (my spouse works a lot, so I am generally primary parent).

I think this is a developmental leap, maybe, because it's definitely much more intense right now than it has been over the past months. It seems that there's some kind of thing going on where he's looking for his own optimal arousal level, and I am kind of at a loss about how to help him meet his needs while also not losing my own mind. He has never really been the kind of kid who will play alone, but right now I'm finding it especially tough. The talking is non-stop, the science questions are non-stop, and the imaginative or building play he needs me to participate in is also non-stop. For reasons both selfish (I'm a sociable introvert - the constant talking and interaction totally overwhelms my system if I can't get breaks and silence.) and practical (Somebody's gotta clean the kitchen!) I really, really, really need the day to not be a straight shot of speculating about gravity and why space doesn't have a floor and being assigned imaginary roles in his Duplo play and freaking out if I have to go to the bathroom.

A couple of things are confusing to me here: his father and I are both what I'd call semi-sociable introverts/highly-sensitive weirdos. Frankly, I'm kind of surprised that my child is currently needing so much input. I'd almost describe it as sensory-seeking behavior, except the inputs he's seeking seem to be less motion or sound-oriented, and more... information-related, and it seems to build on itself. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like, he'll get on a thing where he's interested in germs, and I'll try to facilitate his need for information, we go to the library, I buy some books, we watch Youtube science videos about cell division, I do my best to help him find answers to his questions, etc. And to me, as an adult, that all seems like enough input that it would kind of make his little brain very busy assimilating these ideas, so that he would not also require the separate constant conversation and constant social interaction from me? (I mean, that's how MY brain would work, if I were acquiring a lot of new data - I would need to be quiet and in my head part of the time.) But instead, it sort of seems to me like he goes into these phases of needing more more more, more data, then that leads to needing more conversation, more social interaction, MORE. I get the impression that his ideal would be for me (or another adult) to be like his helper animal, a constant, focused presence, constantly talking, constantly interacting, nearly every second he's awake.

And it does seem to me that he also has the traits of being introverted and having a high-reactive nervous system (things are often too loud, he watches from the edge of the playground before becoming involved, etc.) so I feel really confused about what's going on here and now I can help.

Basically, I am exhausted! Does this ring a bell for anyone? Is this just a phase? Have you been through this and been able to help your kid?

YES, YES, YES.



Ding-ding-ding. You have just described my DD. She, too, is a highly sensitive introvert who-- you'd figure-- should be the world's most perfect autodidact, right?

NOT. SO.

She has to "discuss" it all. Intensely. Socratically. It's exhausting.

What she actually needs is a rotating menu of personal expert tutors. Only even that wouldn't be enough, because, er-- I'm pretty bright and pretty widely read and eclectic in my interests obsessions, and I can tell that I occasionally frustrate her by not being terribly interested in, say...

the development of the Napoleonic code. Or 1950-70's Turkish music. Why we haven't converted to a DNA-based system in biological naming/classification... Or how D&D turned into Pathfinder...

She's 14, and while it was at its very zenith just prior to her learning to read at 4, I still find it utterly exhausting.

I hate to say this-- but I think this is a hard-wired trait. The best you can hope for is a LOT of extracurricular activities that encourage a lot of intensively inquiry-led exploration and discussion. HIGH level book clubs, lego robotics, etc.

Yep, particularly at that age. Electronic input was our big sanity saver. I think for some people, reading fills some of that gap.

I can relate to what you're going through. It seems as if it was just yesterday when I thought I'd go nuts if I had to just talk to our DS one more day. I had no babysitter and DS didn't go to any daycare. At night, I often met DH at the door and when DS was a baby, just said, "He's yours." and went to the bedroom! Luckily for me, DH understood my need for solitude after watching our son alone all day.

During those VERY long early days, (I sometimes woke in the morning dreading hearing DS waking in the next room.), in order to protect myself (yes, you need to do this), I set "boundaries". No matter how upset DS became, I set aside a daily hour of quiet where I required him to go into his room and play alone. There were consequences if he interrupted me...often taking away something he held in high regard...until he learned to give me the space I needed. This came about only after he was past two, however. Before that age, I would have to set him in his playpen with his stuff and shut the door for some time away. The noise coming from him demanding attention was blocked by that door and earplugs, honestly.

If you're highly strung at all, I'd suggest a trip to your doctor if things become too overwhelming. He/She can prescribe medication to "take the edge off" and make things more tolerable. Being more relaxed can only be beneficial to your child, right?

Things have become a LOT better now that DS has been "trained" to give me "space". It also helps that he is now in school nearly full time. I seriously did NOT want to homeschool for the obvious reasons. If that makes me a horrible parent, then I say so be it. I'm not a "helper animal" as you so adroitly put it!

Hang in there.

Definitely electronic "babysitters" were lifelines. I purchased as many learning DVD's as we could afford and allowed DS on the computer when he was two (four without supervision).

I am guessing this is your first DC? With my first, it was the same way. At some point, I did what others have suggested - creating mandated quiet time. It's important to demonstrate self care and boundaries.

It all kind of took care of itself when DC #2 came around. You just gotta tend to the baby sometimes!

FWIW - DH is PG and is STILL like this in his 40s. But he can take care of his needs himself. He is up at dawn or beforehand, runs several miles, goes to work at a rather intense job and when the rest of the world goes home to decompress, DH is still going - reading, hobbies, walking or running some more, socializing, whatever. Some people are just hard wired this way.

My 3.5 year old is like this too. We have a ton of discovery channel
Stuff on dinosaurs on Netflix that we watch together, we have a library of science books for kids that we read whenever she has a question. We also have a museum membership so we can go experiment and play.

I'm one of those never stop, always needing to be doing 50 things types, so I don't mind it as much, but it makes my introverted husband nuts! We have instituted a "think first" system - where before she asks a question she has to think about it & present an answer first. A lot of times her questions are too complex for that, but it does cut the other chatter.

So we get well worded and thoughtful questions with a somewhat reasoned answer as a response. It also helps us to gague her understanding of what she's asking and also to address any misconceptions she may have "resoned"
On the way there!

I am looking forward to her finally putting the pieces together to reading more than a few words so she can read some of these books herself and maybe get even better questions!

My DD9 needs constant input. I am not one to provide that so I leave her to her own devices...and I usually regret it. Today she did about a dozen art pieces since she missed art on Friday due to a doctor's appointment. I do not like art and I always opted out of optional art stuff when I was in school (even in K) - I did not want to think of something to create and I really did not want to clean it up. Now I think there is payback as I clean up her mess.

I don't know if DD9 is gifted but DD18 & DD16 have been labeled due to FSIQ > 130 - they did not require constant input. They also could entertain each other since they are only two years apart. They do entertain DD9 sometimes, but DD18 is now off at college and DD16 cannot take on all the entertainment. She tires out her sisters and they recognize that they were not like her. Even physical activity doesn't help that much. She wanted to go on the playground with other kids when she was at one of her sister's softball tournaments. She was running around for three hours and pleaded to stay when it was over - she claimed she needed more time (fortunately it started pouring so I got out of that one).

I don't have much advice but it has not gotten better yet with DD9. I do endorse the great babysitter (the TV). There is plenty of educational stuff on Netflix, though my kids often opt to watch mindless stuff.

I did make her write down the questions I can't answer (or can't answer while in the car) in a notebook - this helps a bit.

I endorse the other kind of great babysitter-- the college student who is willing to run your child around at the playground and wear them down while answering the constant questions (and you rest or get something else done). Really, kids like these were made for a village.

I don't have much advice. I do sympathize as DD7 is the same way. Like others we have electronics that have helped us get some time.