Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "HOT Button" topics and Children...A Book Convo.

Airing out our "dirty laundry" here.

My husband and I have a bit of a disagreement going on right now concerning a book my son has. It's an old Children's Almanac that for the most part DH is "on board" with, but there's some topics that he thinks our son (6) shouldn't be exposed to: e.g. "When can I get a girl pregnant?"; "Is my penis too small?".

(eek)

We have only touched upon how babies in humans form and I understand my husband's reluctance to have the "birds and bees" convo this early, but if our DS is old enough to ask the question, isn't he old enough to hear the answer?

Since we have a policy of, "The 'no' carries the most weight." in our marriage, my son's Almanac is now stored in our closet. (...in the closet...sigh...)

What did you do when your child could ask questions at an early age that you were not prepared to answer?

Another example would be from a county fair we attended. There was a booth that displayed pictures of developing babies, but was really all about abortion.

Perhaps I'm a negligent mom of a gifted child, but my son doesn't know what abortion is.

I was so glad when he didn't ask any questions about that booth!

It's hard. I think we've generally gone with the simplest HONEST answers that seem to satisfy what she wants to know-- and why she wants to know.

Generally I casually buy myself a deep breath and a frantic thirty seconds of deliberation by asking, "hmm... why do you ask about that?" (or something similar) My heart may be in my throat, but I am really good at playing it cool... have to be, because kids sense "things mom does NOT want to talk about" and either respect the boundary too well-- or leap in where angels fear to tread with a certain unholy fervor for finding what will make you turn PUCE in public, KWIM?

If she comes back with "well, I saw these neat pictures of a baby inside it's mom on the bus the other day" then I know that she is asking because of something specific that she saw. If on the other hand, she is asking because she heard the word "abortion" on the news amidst a story of a clinic firebombing, well, that's a different conversation.

In the first case, she's just curious about what the word means-- what does it have to do with babies. In that case, I'd probably go with an explanation which is medically oriented and probably leans a little toward "life-of-the-mother" and "severe congenital deformity." In the latter, I'd talk about what makes people angry enough to do things that are violent in order to make their point.

Different questions, though.

And yes, I've had both of those conversations with my DD-- before she was 8, in fact. I also got to explain what "rape" was to my then-5-yo when she read it on a helpline sticker on the back of a bathroom stall at the Uni where I was working. "Being forced to have sex when you don't want to" was fine as an explanation, by the way-- and it led to a good conversation about giving others permission or not to touch you or do other things to you. Boundaries, that kind of thing. So all in all, while it's not a topic I'd have chosen, it was fine as the basis of an age-and-development-appropriate conversation.

Good timing. DS5 just this afternoon watched a documentary on the human body. There was a part on IVF. So he knows how some babies are made. I suppose for now we will leave it at that.

I've turned off news stories that I knew would lead to questions about rape. He's sensitive to people being mean.

Perhaps we've both been "helicopter parents". DS has been sheltered from a lot of things like abortion, rape, and just until recently, murder. He saw on the news something about a murder last week and asked what that word meant.

I so want him to be an innocent child for as long as possible!

Side note: DS is circling his "wishes" in a catalog for Santa to bring. I think this may be his last year.

We are the same as HK - the simplest honest explanation possible offering only as much information as the child pursues, which often turns out to be not much.

And we also tailor the response to the cause of the question, we've not had to deal with abortion directly, but we have had to explain late pregnancy loss, adult death, and various other big life issues.

Surely a children's almanac will have fairly matter of fact and extremely unsexy explanations of reproduction? I would see that as a good thing? A book often recommended to us is "Everyone's got a bottom".

Good luck!

What kinds of questions is your son actually asking? I think I'd probably also avoid the book with the "Is my penis too small?" question but we do have several children's encyclopedias with diagrams of reproductive organs (and one drawing that shows a cross-section of the organs of both sexes joined in coitus!) Just personal preference, I'd prefer DD's info from a book to be more clinical and anything further to be from her parents.

I agree you should find out the "why" of any question on the subject to make sure you're answering just what he's asking.

Here's a convo that took place between me and DD6 in the car this week:

DD6: How does the baby get inside the mom?
Me: (brief explanation of eggs, sperm, cell division)
DD6: Hmm. But how does the Daddy get the sperm to the Mommy's egg?
Me: Well... I can show you in your children's encyclopedia when we get home.
DD6: I bet you have to get REAL close!
Me: ...uh-huh... but just getting close to somebody doesn't mean you're going to make a baby with them; there's more to it than that.
DD6: Oh, so like kissing?
Me: Um... you could kiss but just kissing doesn't make babies- there's definitely more to it. Do you want me to show you the pages on reproduction in your encyclopedia when we get home?
DD6: Yeah.

(Later, we're home)
Me: So do you want to run up and get your encyclopedia then?
DD6: Nah, I'll save that for later.
Me: *whew!*

I suppose, to a great extent, the "right" answer for your family will depend on how you expect your son to react, as well as the moral flavour of your beliefs.

I may be in the minority, but I don't see anything particularly awkward about teaching a young child about healthy sexuality. Rather, I see sexuality as something to be openly celebrated. You have the power as a parent to imprint a positive sexual identity in your child! At 6, children are at an age where their judgment isn't clouded by hormones, and peer influence is still pretty minimal,'so they can begin to appreciate what sexuality means in an agape sort of framework, rather than seeing sexuality trough an eros lens from outside sources. Maybe start with information on a cellular level and work up from there, or discuss the mechanics briefly but center the discussion on love?

As to abortion, murder, rape, etc, I believe treatment of those topics really boils down to your family's belief system. My personal approach would probably link to a discussion of free will and the basis of our faith to provide a sense of the genesis of aberrant human behaviour. I don't know that I would feel particularly compelled to address those issues head-on specifically at 6 unless my child showed a disproportionate interest in them. Rather, I'd approach the positive side of each (respect for life, consensual behaviour, love of neighbour) to give him the logical and moral basis to evaluate those questions maturely if he were suddenly confronted with them by an outside source. Effectively, answering those questions in everything but name to preserve some innocence.

Thanks for bringing your question here. It gave me pause to think through my answer, and I hope it gives you some food for thought.

Aquinas, in theory I totally agree. My dodging of a more frank discussion have to do with my son being extremely outgoing and too young really understand the need for discretion in speaking about certain topics.

For example I could totally see him happily and loudly exclaiming upon meeting a family with siblings who have different dads, "Wow! So that means your mom let a different man ejaculate inside her every other year. That is really interesting. Did the first dad die or something or did she just not like how the kid they made turned out?"

I am hoping by the time we have that talk, he has a better filter. Unfortunately "lack of filter" runs in the family.

I have to balance what my son (also six) may understand with what he will handle in a mature way. He may be able to understand the reproductive system, but is he going to know the appropriate times to discuss? No. Will he share the information with all of his classmates? Likely. Will their parents appreciate it? Doubtful.

We talk about nine months, the baby forming (although he's startimg to realize that a baby doesn't spontaneously arrive in a tummy), he's working out that the baby exits somewhere other than the tummy, and he's asking awkward questions about daddy's role in the process.

When he was two, he somehow got the idea that we picked him out at the mall.

Oh KJP thank you for the giggle.

I'm fairly matter of fact about reproduction but I don't think my six year old needs to know about abortion or rape.

I must be the absolute minority, because I don't feel that six is an appropriate age for my kids to be explained what rape, sex, murder, or abortion is. That's not something I would explain until at least 10 years old. (I have a few anecdotes as to why I feel that way. Incredibly sad ones.)

I don't let my kids watch the news or any movies shows above a G rating. I've never had any questions other than, when I was pregnant, my eldest asking how I got a baby in my tummy. I didn't explain reproduction, just simply that "mummy and daddy wanted another baby, and we were lucky to get one." Or, he recently asked how his brother got out, to which I could honestly say the doctor took him out, since I had an emergency caesarean.

That makes sense...because genital mutilation is *obviously* a central pillar of any good elementary curriculum. It follows so naturally from the genocide unit...

Wow. How wildly unacceptable.

KJP, I completely understand (and had a good chuckle at your example!)

We do simple, honest answers. Really, I would rather give them baby sized bites of information than to lay it all on them when they are 12 which is what happened to me!

It's really hard to shelter them successfully once they learn to read. The problem is that HG kids are like sponges and they can acquire content that they have no framework for-- thus the questions.

I realize that my approach above sounds rather dry, but it's actually rather like the one that aquinas lays out. The catch is that even many HG kids aren't ready (emotionally) for the answers when they ask those questions.

It's very individual, unfortunately, and either way as parents we tend to guess wrong at least occasionally.

KJP, that definitely made me giggle, too. I was so that kind of kid.

looking back at the notes, i think i'd answered about 98% of the Big Question by about age 2 - i really couldn't help it... the kid was extremely specific with her questions. i do remember tailoring the answers - i distinctly recall saying the body parts fit together like a puzzle. contraception/tubal ligation/vasectomy/feminine hygiene/same-sex parents came up quite early, too.

we have kept her away from broadcast news (very hard for parents who are news junkies), but we do talk about current events as a family - politics/world events are never far from the conversation. the newspaper is always around, but she's not picking it up to read just yet so we haven't had to confront rape or FGM (wow, MoN - that's appalling.)

here i will take a deep breath. as i type this, my heart still pounds and i'm so sorry if this upsets anyone - i truly apologize. the topic came out of the blue, was driven entirely by DD5, and yet it shocked me beyond anything she's ever said before. i am afraid of posting this, but as usual there is literally no one else to talk to - it pretty much feels like we're raising this kid on the moon.

a few weeks ago, she "invented" abortion - she came up with the idea for a surgery that would remove an unplanned foetus. it was a propos of nothing - we were just hanging out, doing our own things and she literally just said it. she was so matter-of-fact, and i won't get into the details, but she basically described what might be considered a D&C with suction.

she said she had been thinking about contraceptive failure and how that would be so scary for a woman, and she wanted to come up with a solution to make sure no one had to have babies they couldn't/wouldn't look after.

the more i think about it, the more i see how it fits in with her personality - she is, at heart, a mechanic - a problem solver, par excellence. she limited the conversation to the mechanical aspects and simply asked me if i thought it would work? i told her that a surgery does exist as she described it and she was very pleased about it. as a kid i remember being thrilled when i "invented" something that was a real thing - it made me feel like i was really thinking things through properly.

so i guess my philosophy, like nearly everyone else, is to just take it as it comes. i realized it was easy to limit exposure, but i couldn't stop the questions that surface naturally. i actively skipped over several chapters when we read Far From the Tree together - i really didn't mean to read that book to her, but she had questions about what i was reading... and when i answered them, she had more. she has a fail-safe, though, i think - she asks only about what she's ready to hear.

i do reserve the right to simply say i'm not ready to answer a particular question - or that it's private - i would likely use that if it's a really personal question, but i've been lucky enough to be spared those... so far!

This is a topic of growing disagreement in my household. Up to now, DD8 has been given just enough information to satisfy some general curiosity, but any time her questions get too specific, we cut her off with, "You're not ready to learn that yet, we'll talk about it when you're older." Basically, anything that has to do with the mechanics of copulation, rape, diseases, etc., runs into this boundary. DD has learned to accept this response, since we have shared information with her at later dates on other topics, and gave her reasonable explanations about why she wasn't ready to learn it before, so she trusts our judgement.

But I've always felt like whenever the timing was to begin "the talk," it needed to be when we could get in front of the problem. She's entering 4th grade, and I remember receiving sex ed in school in 5th... they may have moved it earlier. Also, girls are hitting puberty at earlier and earlier ages, and I feel like DD should know what's going on before she has her first menses, so I asked DW when she had hers.

Nine!

Okay, so by my count, it's time to start sharing information. DW is NOT convinced.

Doubtful guest, at four my son "invented" biological warfare. He went so far as to think of the advantages of keeping the infrastructure unharmed and of using a virus for which only he and his allies had been vaccinated.

Dude-- we found the American Girl book about puberty and physical development and grooming/hygiene to be very helpful.

That way DD was in the driver's seat re: questions, and nobody was faced with a conversation that they didn't want to have or weren't ready for (including parents... ).

thank you so much for telling me this! i hope we hear a ton more stories like that one - it does a world of good to feel less alone.

ps - when i was a kid, my first "novel" centred around an intrepid, flame-haired virologist named Frederica racing to save the world from an evil genius and his designer virus. it was... hilariously awful!

Doubtfulguest, there's a wide gulf between understanding something and advocating for its use. As a child, I was the type who speculated about bio-warfare and human extinction! You can probably tell from my posts that I'm not a professional bio terrorist.

I told my dd10 the full version of the facts of life when she was 8, because she was going into a 4/5 split and i knew there would be kids in her class 2 years older and she would likely hear things. She was very calm and handled the information well, with what i thought was an approprioate amount of "ew, that's gross" in her responses. DS9, on the other hand, gets all cringey when i bring it up, saying he doesn't want to know. I'm playing it by ear with him and will likely sit him down and require that he listen at some point. I'd rather that my kids get accurate info from me than who knows what kind of info from the play ground...

DS is going into a blended grade school next year. I'm expecting the school will be sensitive to the younger children when it comes to health class, but still it's something to ask about just to be sure!

He's asked how he got out and since it was via C-section, he thinks all babies are born with surgery. I haven't enlightened him.

We keep him away from the news and that helps a lot to keep the awkward questions to a minimum. But I know they are going to be coming more as he mixes with older kids at school.

I'm glad to read how others handle this. I suppose we could handle it on a "need to know" basis and skirt over-explanation by asking him exactly why he wants to know and what.

Still sorry to see that cool almanac on the shelf, though.

Yikes. DD8 will be spending half her day in a G/T class of grades 4-6, and I hadn't considered the implications on this topic yet. Looks like I have a conversation with the DW tonight.

Oh yes, I wasn't prepared to have a talk about the birds and bees with 5yo. I find that giving general and light answers can temporarily leave him satisfied. Of course when he was 3.5 and coming into bathroom stalls in public places with me, and he asks out loud, "Mom, what is a sanitary napkin?" because he could read the sign, I just have to answer fast and move on in a casual tone that won't attract more questions...oh just something a girl uses. That kind of general answer lets me get off the hook a lot. I have to be fast to change topics though. But there are times I just have to say, I will tell you when you get a little older.

My DD asked very specific questions at 3, because I was pregnant with her brother. They went on and on (she really wanted to know), so we answered. The child psych view on this is basically that you respond to their questions at any early age based on what they seem to want to know, but if they do not know "how it works" by around age 6, it's time to give them some basics. Otherwise, they ARE going to get it from their friends at school, and don't you want to be their first teacher? Otherwwise they may really get it wrong for some time. I knew kids who thought you could get pregnant by sitting on the toilet in the boys' bathroom.

I'm talking about "where do babies come from" here. Not rape and abortion. I don't know what the thinking is on that. We have not covered rape and abortion, though we have discussed birth control (quite specifically, thanks to a gas station condom machine). Both kids know about periods and so on because they have asked about tampons, etc. I don't consider this info shocking.

Oh, and DS asked at 4 ("How does the baby get inside the uteus?" or something) but I'm not sure he remembers. It was a short conversation because he didn't seem to be as intensely curious as DD. Again, I was following his lead, since he was prtety little.

If the subject is horribly awkward to you, there are some nice books. We got DD It's Not the Stork when she was little, and there are more in that series.

Research on this endorses the key importance of being open with your kids from childhood up if you want them to share their concerns about sex and dating with you as they grow up. I would feel uncomfortable dancing around these subjects with my kids, especially since they're so bright and so perceptive. Especially with my highly stubborn autodidact eldest, I'd assume she'd find the info elsewhere. I don't want to give the impression that sex is something I don't want to talk about with them or that they can't bring up with me, or that it is a subject that "we don't discuss."

Dude, my apologies for veering a bit OT here, but fwiw, you might find that knowledge of the facts of life is only one slice of what might be up for among a class of 4th-6th graders. I have a few friends who's children went to a school that split grades up by 3 years like that, and they loved 1st-3rd but found that they (as parents) had a bit of "culture shock" moving into the 4th-6th grouping - there is such a large developmental difference just between typical-age 4th graders and 6th graders (to be transparent here, the children I now who were at this school were all girls... and as the mom of a son and a dd who've both gone through those grades... the son was a lot easier lol!). Anyway, my dd11 was a 5th grader in a 5th/6th split class last year and even with the older split there was still quite a difference in where the girls were at regarding boys, makeup, music, how they used social media and technology, what they did for fun etc.

It will really all be ok - so I hope my post didn't sound horrid or scary or anything! Just wanted to give you a heads up that 6th grade girls are light years different than typical 4th graders, so don't be surprised at what might pop up this coming school year.

FWIW, my ds was in a 4th/5th grade split class for both of those years... a few years back.. and at that time... the 5th grade girls all thought they were vampires. Seriously. There's nothing more amusing than tween girls when the hormones start kicking in lol!

Best wishes,

polarbear