Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy lonely and possibly depressed preschooler

My daughter (3 years 4 months old) was coming home from daycare and telling us that she was very unhappy, bored, had no friends, and didn't want to be with "babies" all day. She was having crying fits at drop-off, when previously she had been happy (she had been in this room for 1.5 years). She had been losing weight from not eating, having sleep disturbances, behavior explosions at home, and other signs of depression. The final straw was when one evening she was crying hard at home and said "I don't want to go there and be lonely all day". We pulled her out immediately, concluding that in her 18months-3 years room was just not suitable any more. She stayed at home for a few weeks while we worked out new arrangements, and now have her in a Montessori 3-6 room at a new school that is currently operating as a summer camp (lots of craft and outdoor activities and not a lot of Montessori "works", which should change when fall comes and school starts again. We both work and she needs to be someplace. She says that she is still lonely and has no one to play with.

Most of the older kids are boys (she says boys are "too rude") and the younger kids are girls. This makeup should also change and even out in the fall (when there will be 3 pre-primary rooms operating), but we are worried about what to do until then. The summer teachers seem (frankly) not too bright and when we talked to them they said she is "fine". We're obviously not sure how gifted she is, but I would estimate exceptionally but not profoundly. She is very sensitive and aware, and emotionally mature. She is starting to read. She loves maps; both drawing herself and reading from. She can tell time (not sure how that happened) and a couple of days ago when my husband said it was time for bed (bedtime is 9:30) she said "not yet daddy, we have 6 more minutes" - the digital clock in the room said 9:24.

Obviously being with average 2-year-olds was painful but we thought 3-6 ought to be much better. It seems clinical depression is a real concern here, and obviously want to avoid that. Any advice? In our area there is a child psychologist who specializes in gifted kids, has written some books, and been on national TV; but mostly talks about problems with underachievement on her website. Do you think taking her to see this woman could possibly help, by giving her some strategies on how to handle this? It seems like she has decent coping skills because the teachers at both places say she seems "fine", but she breaks down and it all comes out at home. Any advise anyone here has is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

You've got my sympathy. I've had similar issues on/off with my son. He's 2e/pg.

He displayed similar psychosomatic symptoms when he was 5-yrs-old and a school that was a mismatch for him too. We withdrew him from that school and put him in another school. A similar situation occurred there too, though not nearly as severe. This year with homeschooling, it's been better. However, lately, I'm hearing that there's no one like me around, no one has the same interests, etc. Sigh.

I've been trying to get an answer to this question too for our ds 7.5-yr-old. From what I understand, it's not uncommon for eg/pg kids to have these issues. I would try to find material that deeply engages her. This is easier said than done, I know, but if your daughter can latch on to music or something that tickles her fancy - the situation will probably improve. With my son, I know if he's deeply engaged in something, then he's usually happier.

These periods seem to be more intense when they're going through a big development. Of course, learning to read is a HUGE development. Give her more advanced work and see what happens. Perhaps she needs more mental stimulation offered to her.

She reminds me of my DD, now 6, and we did homeschool preschool but it was hard as the kids she really fit in with were off at first and secobd grade. I agree, if she has to be there, find topics or themes to spark her interest or pick up on her obsessions. Find library books, poems, songs, crafts, science etc to go with them. There are lots of good preschool and kinder theme ideas and activities in books and online--I just pushed the level of detail way higher, found elementary books that were more suitable. We did the rainfirest, a world tour of several countries, holidays, literary devices, different parts of nature...

Also crafting and getting outside to push herself and commune with nature helped. Each kid is different and you'll figure it out!

My daughter went through this in K and was very sad about it, but now that she's a little bit older, it has gotten a LOT better. We did take her to counseling for a while to come to terms with her gifts, and to understand that most other kids (and adults) just don't think like she does. She's old enough now to realize that there are lots of different kinds of people, everyone is good at something, everyone is stinky at something, etc. So she has different friends for different activities, including 1 friend who is PG and thinks in a very abstract, imaginative way. Finding the 1 person who is EG or PG is really important, I think. The rest of the time, my daughter plays just fine with other kids, is in Brownies, church group, etc, but she does realize that the other kids play just "regular" kids' games, which don't feed her need to pretend she's Abe Lincoln, or that she's flying through the solar system, etc. It took some time and a lot of reassuring her, and a constant repetition that her brain is amazing and wonderful, and can do such awesome things. We've tried really hard to keep her from getting "mad" at her brain & her differences, without letting her get too big of an ego.
A long way of saying that counseling will probably help, but time will help too, and maturity. But it breaks your heart now, I know. Good luck, and I hope your daughter is doing better.

Thanks Cadysmom, you've summed up the situation well. I've been debating about counseling for our ds but after reading your post I'm thinking it might be needed. He's so desperate for the one pg child like him and for kids who play like him. Sigh. I wish this was easier. It is heartbreaking.

Thank you so much for all the replies. I will try to find more in-depth things to do and hopefully that will help. But the real problem is social. She just wants some kids to play with. Problem is she wants kids who will play with her like adults do, and that's just not going to happen. We started her ice skating at 21 months and she's really taking off with it - proceeding up the ladder passing skating tests. But same problem there; kids in her group classes are 6-9 years old. On the advise of my homeschooling sister-in-law I started her on kindergarten level Singapore math. She loves it, but it's so easy she's just plowing through it. Perhaps go up a level, but she's only 3...

We really want this school to work out; it seems like a real gem. Non-rigid Montessori (AMS certified) preschool morning program; afternoon is arts (music, dance/drama, art), languages (spanish and hebrew) and science. Grades 1-8 are not Montessori, but mixed level (1/2, 3/4, etc) with ability grouping both within classes and between classes for reading, writing, and math. Ability groups can be as small as 1 or as large as 6. Highest level math generally taught is algebra2/trig. The whole school is set up for individualized instruction, so it seems like I can't ask for anything more, unless they don't really deliver what they promise.

I guess I really need her to tough it out until school starts; hopefully it will be better. I do have a feeling we'll be going to see the psych at some point; based on all your experiences it sounds like I shouldn't wait much to long if it seems like she really needs it. Thanks!

Cdfox, glad my answer helped. When my sweetie was going through it, my heart was broken for her. Counseling helped but perspective did too, which came with maturity. Now we're working on her not "dumbing down" for everyone else, which is the next problem with these special kids!

Keep looking for the one friend that will connect with your EG/PG kid on his/her level, and in the meantime, make sure that he/she knows how awesome his/her brain is, how much you love it, the cool things it can think up, etc. We try to "reward" our daughter for having such an AWESOME brain by talking about others like her, Dr Seuss, for example, or other artists, scientists, etc. "Do you think Dr Seuss had a hard time finding someone who thought like he did" and the like, go a long way towards showing her she's not alone, and has a valuable gift. We've been reading biographies of people like Seuss and Disney to show her that they had some troubles too, but didn't let it stop them. "Do you think Walt Disney was a daydreamer at school?" etc. Hope it helps!!

Thanks Cadysmom. Yes. I think pointing out people like Disney, Seuss, Edison and others helps. I picked up a children's biography on Jacques Cousteau and apparently he got expelled from school for causing trouble. His parents knew he was bright though. There are tons of examples, usually males come immediately to mind.

I think the positive feedback loop is vital. I was working on some it today with defiance/mood issues (ie. do you like how you feel today or yesterday? How do you feel - mad, glad, sad, or bad? IF you take off, what is going to happen? Do you think I'm going to be happy or mad? Then - oh, you can listen and not take off when he doesn't take off and run amok. And then replacing that negative self-talk and thinking with positive self-talk and thinking. That kind of thing ad naseum to drum it in.

I read some of the The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns today and that seemed to sink in. The previous owner left it in the house when we moved in last spring - quite a handy find and highly recommended! It's been a bestseller.

There's also free behavioral charts/worksheets online that may help for making friends, anxiety, peer issues, etc. (http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/).

If she goes to bed at 9.30 what time does she wake up? A late bed time and disturbed sleep seems like a recipe for tears and having trouble coping with other kids. I know some gifted kids don't seem to need much sleep but my experience is the "sleep begets sleep" adage is pretty accurate. She is only three so unless she is napping in the afternoon I would try changing to a 7.30 bedtime and see if it helps. You would need to be able to commit to it for at least a month though.

Puffin of my 3 kids only one came remotely close to meeting the sleep begets more slep adage. She was the only one that napped much beyond 48 months too. 9:30 would be too late for my kids but that's because they all wake at the crack of dawn regardless of bedtime. If they could sleep longer in the mornings then bedtime would only depend on getting enough hours in and the practical requirements of our morning routine...