Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion "Social issues"

I have been hoping my DS6 would have a grade skip next year (in Oz, the new year starts end of Jan). It looks like it could be possible except for some apparent "social issues". When I enquired about the exact issues, I was told my son has a lack of empathy; my son doesn't empathise with the struggles of his classmates that he is supposed to help!! A couple of the older kids have trouble with maths, so his teacher asks my boy to help them. He starts to help but gets frustrated (you know, his lack of a teaching degree makes it hard to teach) and doesn't want to help them anymore. This is an apparent lack of empathy.

There have only been three kids who have grade skipped in the past five years, and these kids have been advanced socially, as well as academically. My son has been hanging out with one boy because he has no friends and my son feels bad for him. I feel that that is empathetic. My son finds his age peers annoying, but has still managed to make many friends. But, my son does prefer older friends- and this is bad.

I'm wondering if the school is nitpicking to find an excuse. Admittedly, the school is considering the skip without any test results (purely based upon his teacher's reports), and they will actually pay for testing next term (!). I imagine they know my son will pass, so they probably want to have an excuse in place. No question, really. Just wanted to vent!

Squishys the tricky thing with social skills is - sometimes the child actually IS delayed, or at least not advanced socially, but sometimes they are MORE advanced socially/empathicly and gets misunderstood. For example a gifted child might cry when they hear about an earthquake because they have more understanding of the tragedy than their age peers - but the crying is seen as "immature" rather than "advanced understanding and empathy".

It's tricky.

It is tricky. I guess my son can be a bit self-involved, but I think that comes from being an only child for five years. He is very self-efficient, but he is great in a team (such as with basketball). It is hard for him, or any human being, to be friends with people who you have nothing in common with; his classmates step on his bag and playfully kick him in the shins, while he wants to play chess and read physics books. He needs older friends, but he makes friends with these kids because he feels he has to conform- and he has and that, to me, is being sociable. I find it ridiculous to have an attitude of: "you can't be in a class with older kids until you learn to be friends with younger kids who you'll never be friends with again, once you're in a class with older kids".

Squishy,

I agree with MON's post. Our ds, though he scored very high on the Iowa Acceleration Scale, also got points off for "social skills." And yet two of his three teachers, after they learned he was skipping 6th grade, made a point of telling us they think it's a great decision, in part because he's "so mature." So social maturity is too complex of an issue to make a decision based on one aspect, during one incident. Our ds gets impatient with his peers and yet is one of the most empathetic people I know.

I hope you gather your research and fight this with everything you have.

Wow, master of none! I very much enjoyed your rant, and I agree with it all. You have too much for me to respond to on my phone, but I definitely believe my son will do very well with a skip. It is, after all, only one year. I am also hoping that he will have acceleration in maths. My son is very mature, but a little standoff-ish with age peers. I love what you quoted about adults being friends with kids: why would a child with a nine year old mind want to be friends with a child with a year old mind?

And what you wrote about holding a child back, that is exactly what my mum said to me: are they going to fail him this year if he doesn't "grow up"? It is ridiculous. I would love to email the principal some links of the social benefits of skipping, particularly if they are imagining his lack of social skills.

Thanks, KADmom. I will fight it. I am sure they will skip him, because a lot of the other teachers support it, too. I think they are just trying to stir the pot while I wait.

ETA: My son plays with that boy because he feels bad, but he also wants to play soccer with another friend because he would like to make more friends. It doesn't sound like my son has issues, to me. I wonder where the principal gets her info?? Obviously my son's teacher has reported these issues, so I assume it is based upon the lack of interest in teaching (which is so laughable).

I meant that my son finds the other boys in his class annoying (such as, they kick the back of his feet when he's walking, or step on his pulley school bag, etc.). Yet he still makes friends with them because he has to. My son prefers older friends, as they are more mature and into mature interests, like chess, etc.

This other boy was in my son's class last year. They both played with another boy (who was my son's best friend), who has since changed schools. My son doesn't really like this boy because he is too boisterous. So, my son now wants to move on, but is sticking with his friend because the boy has no one else (not even in his actual class). My son wants to move on and be friends with other boys from his class, but feels guilty.

The school is unaware of the situation.

This is a classic case of making the victim look like the culprit.

At least the school acknowledges that my son is academically capable. It's just the social thing. I guess there's no denying the intelligence, so they have to find fault somewhere.

But it's the school that's creating the problems. They expect him to do the teacher's job. And they tolerate bullying.