Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums THINKING BIG About Gifted Education A great article...

YES! I hate being the parent who gets glared at for sitting on the park bench while my children happily play. Fifi can make it down the slide just fine, she's 8...

Thanks for posting the link. The article was quite interesting --- especially given that it's almost nine years old. Certainly, things are not better almost a decade later. Ouch.


I think that many parents today believe they're obligated to hover --- it's as though not being constantly attentive to their children is somehow being a bad parent. I agree with the article that this kind of attention is actually bad for the child and inhibits healthy development.

I wonder how people think their kids will suddenly be able to cope on their own when they go to college or otherwise move out if they haven't had a lot of practice at solving their own problems and making their own decisions first. And this process has to start during the preschool years.

Having worked in college administration for the past 13 years, I can tell you that they don't expect their kids to be able to cope on their own when they get past high school. I have seen the number and severity of "helicopter" parents increase steadily during my time in higher education. These parents not only want to be involved in their children's housing choices, roommate choices, roommate conflicts, conduct cases, and coursework. They also want to be involved in their children's employment issues and discipline, as well. It's downright scary to me. It's simply not healthy for a child OR a parent's emotional development.

Wow, wow, wow. That is so depressing.

I don't think that "coping" figures into the equation, here.

I feel like at this stage I have to helicopter to some extent due to food allergies. Other kids running around the playground with a bag of peanuts makes me rather anxious to say the least. I try to remind myself that that is the only reason I am doing it, and it is good to be reminded to stay out of his friend conflicts and other such stuff, as the food-police need for helicoptering can over-extend into other areas quite easily.

It is nice to have articles like this to help remind me what the goal is - to raise an independent, problem solving kid, who can cope with the world around him. As much as I whole-mindedly subscribe to it, it can be hard to put it into practice when you are so worried about the safety (for me food allergies) of your child. But if I conscientiously try every day to let him be his own problem solver, he will be better of for it. I think (since I know there are many of us here with food allergy concerns) the combination of having extreme smarts and life-threatening or life-altering diagnosis makes it harder to stand back and let life skills develop on their own. We feel an obligation to aid- to max out their potential. I am sure all parents do. Because when you see such astounding potential, as in gifted children, maybe we take a much too nurturing relationship to that. Maybe our job isn't to nurture their academic skills so much. Maybe that really in the long run is better left to them.

I agree.

Wholeheartedly.

(With both of you, to be clear.)

Yes, yes, a THOUSAND times yes. We still have to intervene because DD is frequently not skeptical/cynical/assertive enough to manage the behavior of those around her as aggressively as she actually NEEDS to in order to... um... stay alive, I guess. So yes, I do go to fairly obnoxious lengths there, sometimes. I wish with all my heart that I didn't need to, of course (in spite of what others must sometimes think of me).

Other people are constantly surprised that we don't "helicopter" in other ways-- often not even to the extent that my DD's academic peers are over-parented, quite honestly.

I trust that my DD is able to solve most of her own problems... and I never dictate solutions TO her. (oy) I may help her brainstorm when she is 'stuck' somehow and has not been making progress on her own... or when it is very clearly an asynchrony/maturity issue and she simply doesn't have the ability (developmentally) to tackle a particular problem.

Luckily for me, my DD wouldn't tolerate genuine helicopter parenting for a second. I mean, I guess that is lucky. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way, frankly.

But it does mean that I very seldom have to tell her "NO. YOU need to figure this out," because mostly she is already doing that and wants me to respect her choices. Which I do.

THIS! I know I am a helicopter parent and I so do not like being one but majority of it is because I worry about DS's allergies. It was a big step for me to let him attend public preschool and every day I have to worry and we have had our issues with that. And today, I too another HUGE step when he started his very first ever summer camp through the therapy place we go to. The go far and beyond trying to make all their kids safe (there are more kids with food allergies) and if there is a camp I would trust, THIS one is IT! Yet at the end of the two our camp today when I went to pick him up, his face was covered in hives. I have no idea what he reacted to but even after giving him allergy meds it still hasn't completely disappeared 3 hours later. I so hope this was a one time occurrence and it won't happen again when he goes back on Friday but if it happens again, I know my helicoptering will kick in and I'll want to pull him out and not take any more risk .

Needless to say, I spent those two hours in the waiting room in that same building wanting to be there should anything happen. I was the only mom there the whole time.

I worry that my previous post may have come off as overly judgemental. I certainly didn't intend to paint all parents as helicopter parents. The true helicopter parents are still the minority even if the numbers are rising. In general, the parents who are just having a hard time adjusting to the collegiate phase of their children's lives respond very well to heartfelt and caring conversations encouraging them to let go. I would not consider those parents to be helicopter parents. I love working with those parents, to be honest.

And, phey, I completely understand what you mean about the food allergies and hovering. My son has asthma, and when you're faced with issues that can truly be life or death, it is absolutely necessary to be watchful and sometimes hover. You're right about how easy it is to have that watchfulness morph into something else, too. I used to catch myself hovering in other areas of his life all of the time. It's certainly gotten easier to back off a little now that his asthma is under control.

I love these boards. Such good conversation, intellectual stimulation and (sometimes) debates, huh?

The article raises some valid points, and yet the statement near the end that we are expending our resources on the ones who don't need them, seems to mirror the sentiment that gifted kids can and should fend for themselves and that concerns me.

I wouldn't consider myself a helicopter parent and in fact probably erred the other way with my oldest, but I no longer trust anyone else, the schools, the state, etc. to make decisions and act in accordance with the best interest of my youngest ds.

Isn't this kind of along the lines of this book?

The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Price-Privilege-Generation-Disconnected/dp/0060595841

I just bought the book on amazon. I figured I need it after reading that article. I know I am not total helicopter parent because DD has too many physical injuries from being out there without me.

But I do worry about the competition when she gets older. Way too much.

Thanks for posting the article.

So the gist of the article is that modern parks don't skin kids' knees enough?

Oh, it's a lot more than skinned knees. Unfortunately.

It's about never allowing a growing child to have the experience of feeling competent and simultaneously-- autonomous. It's done with the best of intentions, of course-- with the aim of keeping your child happy and secure at all times. The trouble is that a child who has never been allowed to solve his/her own problems or tolerate discomfort tends to adopt the attitude that the reason is likely that they aren't capable of doing things for themselves, and that "unpleasant" means "something is horribly wrong"... and eventually it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for some of them that since Mom and Dad don't LET me operate independently, I must be incapable of doing so. Sends the message to the child that the parents don't trust them to be able to use good judgment-- about anything. Also, in related news-- minor problems are a Major System Failure, and call for... well, some kind of alert that The World Is ENDING Right Now, This Very Instant. Mom and Dad should step in, though, and fix things.


This kind of thing used to be termed "enmeshment," I think. Back when it was much more clearly recognized as being unhealthy. LOL.

Guilty as charged.

So back in 1st grade (New to a HG private school), DS(now ten) was given the assignment of making a leprechaun trap. As good parents do we helped, he came up with the plan, but most of the work was completed by my wife and I. We did well. However when we turned it in, about 70% of the students did the trap without parent support. We were very embarrassed, hopefully we have gotten better. It's still hard to know where over involvement starts, some lines are easy to see others are still fuzzy (I have helped type a late homework assignment). We do push DS to speak for himself, make his own choices, and advocate for himself when he feels he is correct or been wronged. He has to learn to deal with difficult people, and how to make his own friends. But we have given tools for dealing with a bully, but still don't let him walk to school (2 blocks).

I think that the parents who recognize that there IS a boundary are not the families where this is a huge problem, Edwin.

I try to only intervene in situations where there is a well-considered concern on my part that something is occurring where there's both:

a) an imbalance of power between parties
b) consequences are fairly clearly serious-- to either mental or physical well-being.

It's that last point where I occasionally make errors. I can justify pretty much ANY intervention on that basis. I'm a great catastrophizer. LOL.

What are those tools?

I'm pretty certain that this problem is completely self-correcting.

Because once the nation of wimps become parents, they will be unable to actually cope with their own lives, let alone have enough psychic energy left over to helicopter parent their children.

Problem solved.

Ha!

Forever a pendulum...

Indeed. Because the following generation will have to raise itself, so they'll be strong and resilient. But they'll be so bitter about the lack of parental involvement that they'll swear they'll do better... and get hyperinvolved.

I'm convinced the helicopter parenting trend of today is a direct result of the latchkey kid trend of the 70s-90s.

I don't think there's a good way to shift from hellicoptering to non-hellicoptering, though.

I went from basically what was hellicoptering to college (hard shift from complete to really no actual support) and ended up being quite non-functional for five years.

Don't be silly-- OUR generation of parents will be raising our grandchildren. Far too important a job to trust it to our kids to handle...


happily, most helicoptered children will meekly step aside and let their parents take over when they feel overwhelmed (and what new parent doesn't, right?), so all will be well in the end.

Dude, I am absolutely certain some of our parenting choices are rebound behaviour from feeling both our parents "benign neglect" approach was not always that benign. But conversely I am aware of the good things our parents did that I sometimes fail to do and how to correct that. Where is the freaking middle ground? I'd love to find it.

Over the past few years, I've simplified my theory of helicopter parenting to this -

"Helicopter parenting is what happens when Generation X has children."

Many of the defining moments/themes of Gen X were steeped in danger, darkness, or loneliness -- the advent of AIDS, the Cold War, the Challenger explosion, "latchkey" children, etc. When Hope and Fear Collide by Arthur Levine and Jeanette Cureton is a really good book that talks about how those moments impacted Gen X'ers as college students. It seems completely logical to me that we've seen an increase in the number of parents who want to hold on a little longer and have more oversight in their childrens' lives after living through the previously mentioned things. Some parents find a healthy balance naturally, and some find it when they're forced to. I agree with other posters, though, that eventually the pendulum will swing back in the other direction.

Not sure which thread to post in, but how's this for helicopter parenting?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/jun/20/french-woman-daughter-sit-exam-baccalaureat

Wait, I thought the American parents were the bad ones. Aren't we supposed to be parenting the French way?

Oh my. Not so much shocking (after all, this is sort of the natural endpoint of this continuum, and socially the entire culture is inching its way that direction), but sad beyond words.

I feel so very sorry for the young woman who was raised by that particular parent.

It's beyond sad when preschool admissions coaching is a thing.

http://theweek.com/article/index/245770/getting-into-preschool-advice-from-an-admissions-coach

Bolding is mine:

I'm hoping that one of my kids will be accepted to the Ivy League and then not attend so as to uphold the family legacy.

I wish I had applied to Harvard, gotten in, and then not have attended like my brother-in-law. I'm jealous that his daughter has the opportunity to be a second generation Harvard admitee-non-attender.

Here's more fun info on China's tiger parents:

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/chinese-students-parents-fight-cheat-162557997.html

Wow. I thought at first it was an article from the Onion. How surreal.

Believe it or not, this is actually used by American parents as justification for cheating, bullying, and general Tiger/helicopter parenting, too--

How will my child possibly compete against fraudulent Chinese SAT scores?? It's only fair that I do {appalling unethical thing}.

Suuuuuuure. They're just "leveling the playing field."

I mean, I am sympathetic. Because everyone in higher ed KNOWS that a lot of the scores from China are completely fraudulent at this point, but two wrongs sure don't make it right!!

I saw a quote today that reminded me of this thread. "Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them."*

It's easy for me to drift into a mild helicoptering mode (I've absolutely never contemplated cheating for my kid and never would but I have to watch the amount of advice I give on projects, etc...) The one thing I try to remember that is if my kids don't learn to deal with problems on their own they will be miserable adults. These parents aren't protecting their kids but merely postponing the inevitable and making it worse. (Health concern helicoptering excluded.)

I'm not ever going to be a free range parent who drops my 8 year old at a public park and goes away for two hours. But I am going to sit on the bench and let him play alone or ride his bike around the track, even if I have to silently hold my breath for the 5 minutes I can't see him.

On a slightly related note- has anyone read this? http://www.amazon.com/Last-Child-Wo...&sr=1-1&keywords=last+child+in+the+woods I've only started it, but it seems to make the point that kids need to play outside- without direction or strong supervision- in order to meet problems and be forced to solve them independently.



* (I've seen it attributed to both Charles Louis de Montesquieu and Steve Maraboli- I'm guessing wording by Maraboli and gist by Montesquieu)

However, I am a protective parent and I believe the world would be a better place if parents cared a little more for their kids. And that doesn't mean to sit their exams!

I am not sure helicoptering is as dangerous as everyone thinks it is. I wasn't helicoptered at all... Quite the opposite, actually, bordering on parental disconnect. AND I was also pretty non-functional for a few years... LOL. I got my act together eventually.

I can't worry about whether or not I am helicopter parent per articles and books (why are there a string constantly telling us that we are doing it all wrong all the time?) I just try to the best I can day by day, situation by situation. I have been blatantly and directly accused of being a helicopter mom and a negligent one... both within the same year. Apparently, I can't please anyone so I just do the best I can day to day, and try to adjust accordingly. I have to admit since I had parents who weren't at all involved in a supportive way in most of my life - I'd rather be a little more on the helicopter side of the spectrum to be honest... But I have learned no matter what you do and how you do it someone will be there with an article that tells you you are doing it wrong. I try to be connected with my kids... There have been times when DS8 has said to me "Don't make a big fuss mom - I'll figure something out." Sometimes I listen and sometimes I ned up intervening anyhow but I just try to be connected to my kid and make my decisions based on our discussions.

Perhaps the extremes are the problem here. Too much attention is bad and too little attention is bad. Certainly, the negligence side of this idea has been proven. I have to go eat now, but perhaps someone has done a study on the effects of over-attentiveness.

I think that the clearest examples there are going to be anecdotal or case-study like, but they are present in abundance in the literature and culture supporting a variety of chronic illnesses-- that is, parents of children with asthma, hemophilia, diabetes, etc. are often cautioned NOT to turn their kids into dependent "fragile" people.

The reason is that if you protect them from everything and do it all for them... they learn helplessness and adopt it as part of their core identity. It's universally bad, bad news for those kids, and there are way too many of them for it to be coincidence. The most vigilant and compliant and involved parents tend to have adult children who are...

not really capable of being independent and managing an often complex and life-threatening medical condition on their own. Many of them never live on their own, though they are certainly not disabled to the point that they couldn't live full lives. They're just too convinced that they can't do it without the parents "regulating" it all.



Now that is truly parenting as a high-wire act. Because if you let them make mistakes, some of them could be life-threatening. But if you don't let them make mistakes, they may choose to never live that life in the first place.

I force myself to keep as much 'management distance' as possible when my DDs (12 & 8) are doing outdoorsy/risky stuff - from bike riding, skateboarding, rock climbing, surfing etc etc

I only try to intervene to suggest the odd technique tip, which if kept to a minimum, they don't seem to mind.... but if I get too close, I get in trouble!!!


AND - Fantastic article - thanks for posting!