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    #159960 - 06/12/13 12:25 PM Re: A great article... [Re: phey]
    Diamondblue Offline
    Junior Member

    Registered: 05/07/13
    Posts: 45
    Loc: FL
    I worry that my previous post may have come off as overly judgemental. I certainly didn't intend to paint all parents as helicopter parents. The true helicopter parents are still the minority even if the numbers are rising. In general, the parents who are just having a hard time adjusting to the collegiate phase of their children's lives respond very well to heartfelt and caring conversations encouraging them to let go. I would not consider those parents to be helicopter parents. I love working with those parents, to be honest.

    And, phey, I completely understand what you mean about the food allergies and hovering. My son has asthma, and when you're faced with issues that can truly be life or death, it is absolutely necessary to be watchful and sometimes hover. You're right about how easy it is to have that watchfulness morph into something else, too. I used to catch myself hovering in other areas of his life all of the time. It's certainly gotten easier to back off a little now that his asthma is under control.

    I love these boards. Such good conversation, intellectual stimulation and (sometimes) debates, huh?

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    #159968 - 06/12/13 02:10 PM Re: A great article... [Re: phey]
    KADmom Offline
    Member

    Registered: 03/11/13
    Posts: 690
    The article raises some valid points, and yet the statement near the end that we are expending our resources on the ones who don't need them, seems to mirror the sentiment that gifted kids can and should fend for themselves and that concerns me.

    I wouldn't consider myself a helicopter parent and in fact probably erred the other way with my oldest, but I no longer trust anyone else, the schools, the state, etc. to make decisions and act in accordance with the best interest of my youngest ds.


    Edited by KADmom (06/12/13 02:15 PM)

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    #159969 - 06/12/13 02:19 PM Re: A great article... [Re: phey]
    JonLaw Offline
    Member

    Registered: 07/29/11
    Posts: 2007
    Loc: The Sub-Tropics
    Isn't this kind of along the lines of this book?

    The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.

    http://www.amazon.com/The-Price-Privilege-Generation-Disconnected/dp/0060595841

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    #159984 - 06/12/13 04:55 PM Re: A great article... [Re: phey]
    Wren Offline
    Member

    Registered: 01/14/08
    Posts: 1547
    I just bought the book on amazon. I figured I need it after reading that article. I know I am not total helicopter parent because DD has too many physical injuries from being out there without me.

    But I do worry about the competition when she gets older. Way too much.

    Thanks for posting the article.

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    #159990 - 06/12/13 05:35 PM Re: A great article... [Re: phey]
    22B Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/10/13
    Posts: 1228
    So the gist of the article is that modern parks don't skin kids' knees enough?

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    #159997 - 06/12/13 07:59 PM Re: A great article... [Re: phey]
    HowlerKarma Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/05/11
    Posts: 5181
    Oh, it's a lot more than skinned knees. Unfortunately.

    It's about never allowing a growing child to have the experience of feeling competent and simultaneously-- autonomous. It's done with the best of intentions, of course-- with the aim of keeping your child happy and secure at all times. The trouble is that a child who has never been allowed to solve his/her own problems or tolerate discomfort tends to adopt the attitude that the reason is likely that they aren't capable of doing things for themselves, and that "unpleasant" means "something is horribly wrong"... and eventually it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for some of them that since Mom and Dad don't LET me operate independently, I must be incapable of doing so. Sends the message to the child that the parents don't trust them to be able to use good judgment-- about anything. Also, in related news-- minor problems are a Major System Failure, and call for... well, some kind of alert that The World Is ENDING Right Now, This Very Instant. Mom and Dad should step in, though, and fix things.


    This kind of thing used to be termed "enmeshment," I think. Back when it was much more clearly recognized as being unhealthy. LOL.
    _________________________
    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

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    #160069 - 06/13/13 11:35 AM Re: A great article... [Re: phey]
    Edwin Offline
    Member

    Registered: 05/23/08
    Posts: 307
    Loc: California
    Guilty as charged.

    So back in 1st grade (New to a HG private school), DS(now ten) was given the assignment of making a leprechaun trap. As good parents do we helped, he came up with the plan, but most of the work was completed by my wife and I. We did well. However when we turned it in, about 70% of the students did the trap without parent support. We were very embarrassed, hopefully we have gotten better. It's still hard to know where over involvement starts, some lines are easy to see others are still fuzzy (I have helped type a late homework assignment). We do push DS to speak for himself, make his own choices, and advocate for himself when he feels he is correct or been wronged. He has to learn to deal with difficult people, and how to make his own friends. But we have given tools for dealing with a bully, but still don't let him walk to school (2 blocks).

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    #160071 - 06/13/13 11:51 AM Re: A great article... [Re: phey]
    HowlerKarma Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/05/11
    Posts: 5181
    I think that the parents who recognize that there IS a boundary are not the families where this is a huge problem, Edwin.

    I try to only intervene in situations where there is a well-considered concern on my part that something is occurring where there's both:

    a) an imbalance of power between parties
    b) consequences are fairly clearly serious-- to either mental or physical well-being.

    It's that last point where I occasionally make errors. I can justify pretty much ANY intervention on that basis. I'm a great catastrophizer. LOL.
    _________________________
    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

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    #160072 - 06/13/13 11:56 AM Re: A great article... [Re: Edwin]
    22B Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/10/13
    Posts: 1228
    Originally Posted By: Edwin
    ... But we have given tools for dealing with a bully, but still don't let him walk to school (2 blocks).


    What are those tools?

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    #160080 - 06/13/13 12:31 PM Re: A great article... [Re: phey]
    JonLaw Offline
    Member

    Registered: 07/29/11
    Posts: 2007
    Loc: The Sub-Tropics
    I'm pretty certain that this problem is completely self-correcting.

    Because once the nation of wimps become parents, they will be unable to actually cope with their own lives, let alone have enough psychic energy left over to helicopter parent their children.

    Problem solved.


    Edited by JonLaw (06/13/13 12:32 PM)

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