Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Friends/social fears- asynchrony in adolescence

She is a lovely girl-- not particularly behind in development, so she looks like a pretty girl somewhere between age 13 and 17. I don't think that she's so appealing/attractive that she is seen as a threat to her friends' romantic interests...


though...

hm. She IS blonde and blue-eyed, she is leggy and slim, she is petite but curvy, and appealing socially. She also does have that... something... that draws people to her.

Might have to think on that one. Hadn't fully considered it, but it's a possibility. This would explain a few other things that I didn't post.

(Please don't quote the following)

She tends to "hide" in her attire, readily choosing oversized, gender-neutral clothing, covering up a lot of skin (which is fine, but not when it seems burka-like in intent, YK?), but at the same time, she still has this other streak of wanting to be "pretty" and look attractive and even a little bit sexy (but not more than age-appropriate, IMO). Both things seem to have intensified since being burned by the mentally unstable peer and an age-mate that STILL stalks her occasionally nearly a year after she broke things off with him...

She has now decided that one of her friends is her "girlfriend." Which I think is a beard (for both girls, my DD13-14, and the friend, also 14-15), and so does my DH. There's absolutely nothing physical between the two of them, and BOTH of them are hiding from the interest of adolescent boys, in my opinion. Until January, she definitely seemed to be following a heterosexual developmental curve. She has also NOT been eager to spend time with this young woman in person, being completely content to spend hours on Skype with her (very different from the boys she has been involved with).

We've been fairly matter of fact about this revelation/announcement, and basically accepted it at face value and added that the rules aren't different in a same-sex romantic relationship. I have cautioned that she should not lock herself into a sexual orientation/gender-identity before she's ready in any case, and that there is a lot out there which is part of a spectrum of human existence, but reassured her that wherever she falls on it is fine, and that we love her unconditionally.

******************* (end quote-free zone)



Fear of the future.... hm.

DEFINITELY a possibility in my mind. To the point that I actually wondered if she wasn't deliberately self-sabotaging the SAT in an effort to do "bad enough" that we'd delay college or something. Possible. Yes.

At the same time, like most adolescents, she regularly makes hash of her dad and I because we don't treat her the way she wishes. (How would that be? Do the words "As you wish" mean anything? LOL. In other words, she's a pretty typical 12-16yo girl in terms of her interactions with us. She is just WAY brighter than most of them. ) She wants autonomy... but... with... servants.

When our DD16 was in sixth grade, she was supposed to read books older than high school - according to her aptitude. I went to her teacher and asked if she could read "popular" books more around her grade level. At this point, we had proved that she could read almost anything. She read books that the other children were reading and it made her happy and gave her something in common with others her age.

It has not "ruined" her reading or anything. It was just a small way for her to fit in.

She's terrified of the physical demands of romantic entanglements.

Rightly so, unfortunately. Her LOG just means that she has a way of wrapping her head around the danger there.

Maybe that's it. That and the permanence/loss of her teenaged years which seems to be looming ever larger in her head.

She feels as though she "isn't prepared" for college, though in reality I suspect she's probably OVER-prepared, if anything, given how we've chosen to slow her down.

This is what we have always done, too.

It's only been recently that DD has stopped reading at her level, and begun making noises of "it's too hard for me" and "I don't know that word" which ring so false.

It's as though she's decided that having something in common socially isn't enough anymore-- she has to actually try to choke the life out of that more proficient/advanced reader and actually BE a typical 13yo consumer of literature and media.

(Of course, she still hates Justin Bieber, so I think we're safe there at least...)

I wondered about this too.

To be honest, I wouldn't over-think this situation too much. I suspect part of this is very normal-age-related behavior - trying to fit in somewhere and experimenting with different places/groups to fit in with. I'd try my best to expose her to other groups of kids - whether younger, older, or same age - because the one thing I've noticed with the kids we've been around is the type of behavior you're observing from the *other* kids is most likely less related to how smart your dd is or how far ahead she is academically than it is related to how any one particular group of children socializes in general - some groups of kids are very kind and welcoming, others tend to bully or make fun etc. I am in no way a gender-biased person, but in the limited number of sample groups my own family has had the chance to experience so far... the drama and emotion etc seem to be much more prevalent among the girls OUr experience has also been that the behaviors of the children in groups varies quite a bit based on how the adults that surround those children are modelling behavior and whether or not an emphasis has been placed on inclusiveness and understanding and kindness.

Soooo... my thought is to let go of the worries over SAT scores and not worry about whether or not your dd is, at this moment in time with some groups of kids, appearing to "dumb down" to fit in, or what the age of the kids is - but instead focus on getting her exposed to different groups of kids - through a camp or through a special-interest group or through a class or whatever. Accept that it may take a few tries to find a group that she is comfortable in and wants to be a part of.

The other thing I'd focus on is keeping communication open between yourself and your dd - which I suspect from having read your posts here, you do a very good job of already Also keep in mind she, as an individual, may not have the same needs/wants/desires in relationships that you do - I know you know that intellectually but as a parent myself, I find that a bit difficult to accept at times

About finding a counselor - I'm not so sure that even if you could find a good fit counselor this is a situation that really needs it as much as it is a somewhat typical stage most teens go through (impacted of course by your dd's high intelligence). We've had similar frustrations finding a good counselor fit - I don't personally think it's related to intelligence of the counselor vs counselee (is that a word lol?) as much as it is a function of how all of us, as human beings, counselor or not, are seeing the world through our own set of filters. When my kids were younger and I sat in on a few counseling sessions, I often felt that the counselor was going to apply their own ideas about what was up no matter what my child said... so instead of paying someone to listen and help my child come up with independent solutions, I was paying for a canned treatment - which is usually not what people seek out counseling for. I realize this isn't true for all mental health professionals (and most likely only applies to a fraction)... but it definitely makes for a challenge trying to find a counselor, particularly for our children.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Thanks for all of the great perspectives on this. I love this place; you're the only group that I can ask this of where the FIRST (and probably only) answer doesn't involve "how could you not think you were ruining your DD's life by accelerating her 3+ years...)

I think that this is some... thing... compounded by the drama associated with being a high-test variety of adolescent, hormonal girl.

She definitely seems uncomfortable and a little lonely when in a mixed-age group... as though she would LIKE to be accepted by the older kids, but knows better than to try to engage with them (her perspective, mind-- I've not personally SEEN much in the way of rejection there, just bewilderment occasionally).

It's as though she's responding to a perception of a no-win situation with typical adolescent over-reaction or something.

Yes, she should have some better experiences this summer during her internship (which is a feeder program for INTEL competitors).

Obviously the situation has many different variables and is not simple to understand, but my reading of the situation from afar has me sensing that she is perhaps deliberately manipulating (not in a bad way, so maybe a better word might be changing) her social situations and her behavior in those situations in a experiment to see what happens when you mix different variables.

Is it a result of the looming college scene and her entry into a more grown-up world? Probably, in some ways. Perhaps she's at a point where she is actually solidifying and accepting who she is, and verifying her actual identity by trying out others just to rule them out. My guess is that, being as smart as she is, she has always been a very analytical person, and she is now applying this trait to testing out her social identity.

I completely understand why you're worried. She is not a cookie-cutter kid and her life beyond high school is looming for you, too. She probably doesn't fit in as completely herself anyway, anywhere. But then again - and maybe most importantly - none of us truly do. We all modify ourselves to fit into whatever situation we are in. She just has a bigger mismatch to account for, and she's 14. So, I suspect most of it is typical teenage angst, but on a bigger scale. And perhaps she's questioning who will be there for her as she moves into new territory as she approaches monumental life changes that come with the end of high school.


FWIW, your DD seems to me to be very self-aware and, while she feels tremendous anxiety about some things, I think it's a good sign that she is aware of it. And, even though she doesn't always want to figure it out with you (and what teenager wants to, honestly) it sounds to me like she knows you are there for her and will be there for her no matter what.

I just reread this thread and I think this is possibly the explanation for the baggy clothes, the relationship with the girlfriend, and wanting to be around younger kids. She is protecting herself, hiding herself, trying not to be noticed. Not that this is the case, but from what you have alluded to with regards to the older boy, this sounds awfully similar to what victims of sexual abuse do to protect themselves. Again, not saying that she was abused, but you have said that it was a very damaging situation.

Also, she probably is right about most psychologists - she probably does think in a much more complex way than most of them. Which is disheartening when you are crying out for someone to "get" you. Of course, it's also a hallmark of teenagers to feel misunderstood. Is there any adult with whom your daughter feels a mentor-mentee relationship who might be willing to get together with her more just to hang out and talk?

Another thought that might help relieve some of the pressure she may be feeling either about college or college-age relationships: Can you come up with one or two other alternatives to her moving directly from high school to college, that might buy her some time to grow more comfortable with the idea of advancing? Could she apply to colleges with the rest of her classmates but then delay enrollment for a year or two to work or travel or just unschool? I know that comes with other issues (math progression being one that immediately enters my mind), but maybe just the idea that she has options will release a bit of the pressure she may be feeling (but still encourage her to do well on the SAT and in school so she does have options).

Of course, I haven't reached this situation yet as my rising 8th grader is just 11, so take my advice for what it's worth!

She sounds like a normal 14 year old.