Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Dd needs a boost - why is gifted great?

Actually, Bostonian, I've read many of your posts on this subject and I have completely agreed. So you have one fan

"Guaranteed" is my word of choice since I really do see it that way. Once, again, in my life. With my friends and family. In my country where only 20% of people go to university.

Thanks for your responses. As I mentioned in my OP this was part of how we were addressing it, I wasn't just sitting her down and saying 'don't be sad - look at these shiny reasons not to be'. Dd's main issues are about connection and lack of a sure shelter to use one of Miraca Gross' terms. She's loved being quirky and different for the most part, but she's a couple of years in to her skip and it's now run out of juice socially - for now she just feels too odd.

So to address thisI have school meetings booked, I'm finding her a mentor in her preferred topic, we're looking at new extra curricular stuff to meet some new people, I've got her thinking about it being possible to have different friends fir different purposes and so on. But dd is so angry about her difference at the moment and while we have found the gifted label a useful one for proving context to her experience of difference and the parts of life that have been difficult for her (and each to their own on that one - I know some people feel passionately about never using the 'g' word with their children but it has been useful for us), giftedness is a wholistic thing in itself and comes with benefits too (we too discussed choices, along with humour, ability to access and understand exciting and great ideas, the great gift of not having to struggle with some life skills like general math and reading, about being able to problem solve at a high level). Dd was only seeing those bits that of being gifted that were problematic - that it is hard to find friends with common interests (and while I've let her know this can change as you get older, that doesn't help her right here and now), hard to stay switched on at school, having to be the odd one out all them time (one of the benefits of being a gifted adult is you can blend into the crowd sometimes if you want to - for dd, she's always the youngest in class, always the smartest in class - always representing 'something' for so many hours of the day and while 99% of the time she's happy being quirky and odd and is accepted as such, sometimes she doesn't have the emotional energy for it and she'd just like to be 'one of many'). So in amongst many other approaches to dealing with this particular rocky patch, I was looking to reframe her current thinking about being gifted. Thanks again to those who shared their ideas, I will share them with her.

Some of the things that I love about being gifted:

1) confidence
2) continuous personal evolution
3) independence
4) I'm not afraid of being different, and because of that it doesn't bother me that my kids are different
5) arrogant people don't intimidate me (this has come in handy in the past)
6) materialistic people don't intimidate me
7) my insight
8) I've actually been able to acquire wisdom as I've aged
9) I learn fast
10) my ability to figure out why people think and behave the way they do
11) my ability to see the big picture and the details at the same time
12) my ability to engage socially and yet remain unaffected (comes in handy )

Etc etc etc... it could go on and on, really. There are so many blessings that accompany giftedness

[quote=Nerdnproudshe'd just like to be 'one of many').[/quote]

It sounds like your dd is feeling socially isolated. I don't know if this would be helpful at all, but as you are trying to find ways to help your dd see the positives in being gifted, another thing you might do (which has *nothing* at all to do with your dd being intellectually gifted) - is to help her see the special and interesting things in the other kids she spends time with. I have a 2e ds, and there have been times in his life (and particularly at school) where he feels *very* very different and has a tough time seeing the "benefit" of any of it. His teachers have always tried to emphasize how alike he is and how "everyone" has something (both positive gifts and challenges) - there have been times I've felt his teachers just don't "get it" - yet in reality, it's helped him to see that while he's different, everyone truly is different in their own way. His way may be more challenging than some of the other kids, and his brains may dig deeper or see more complexly etc than the other kids, but at the end of the day - those other kids do have something to offer and having a high IQ isn't the only "gift" out there.

I'm not sure how old your dd is, but if she's in early elementary, I might try to approach the issue by doing the same thing I'd do with any of my children if they were lonely and having a tough time finding friends - get her involved in something after school that focuses on a non-academic activity she enjoys, or arrange for playdates with a few of the other kids from her class. If she's older, it's a little trickier but there are still things you could do to try to help her meet new friends, and help her take the focus off of "her".

The other thing that focusing on a non-academic activity can help with is taking the pressure off of feeling like she "has" to be gifted or has to be a certain way because she's smart - I'm not explaining it very well, and it might not be an issue for your dd, but sometimes high ability kids just want to be kids, yet they feel there's an expectation on them from parents and teachers because they are smart.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Yes. I absolutely agree.

David Foster Wallace, Aaron Swartz...I know there are others.

You know, I think that could be construed as horribly judgemental of parents who did the very best they could for their kids with what they knew.

Read up on existential depression in gifted individuals (this actually *can* propel people to get their actions in line with their values which IMO leads to greater happiness--if the person is supported well through it--see Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration).
Existential depression in gifted individuals
http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10269.aspx

Many of the people I know who are the most successful are bright high-achievers with great executive function who learned to work hard because school was challenging enough without much differentiation. I know many gifted underachievers who in no way had what could be called a "bad" childhood, even if they were poorly served by school. So I feel completely confident, and it seems clearly supported by the literature, that giftedness is in no way a guarantee of success.

CCN thank you so much for your great list - I will share it.

Polarbear - you explained yourself beautifully and gave me an 'aha' moment. While dd doesn't really do any academic extra curriculars other than music and the news ones we're looking at are things like drama which are more her bent, what we haven't touched on with her is your lovely idea of what she does have in common with her friends and how everyone is different. I love it!

I don't know how what I write has anything to do with anything. But, I guess, as usual with public forums if we all don't believe the same thing then we are wrong, but to try to tell me my idea of what success means to me is wrong really takes the cake.

I don't know how many times I have to write that this is my world view; It doesn't matter to me that the people you know that are x,y,z. Success and its reasons for it are so unique to the individual. You can show me a million studies, but until there is one definition to every human being, then studies in this area are useless to me.

Some people might feel that placing the blame on parents if a child doesn't grow up to meet the parents' definition of success and calling it a result of bad parenting takes the cake. Obviously every gifted kid (and non-gifted kid) is unique. However there are some common experiences of the gifted that many parents find it worthwhile to familiarize themselves with.