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I am the typical sex abuse survivor. It was a relative and I was 7. And the college rape was date rape. The fact is, strangers usually aren't the ones doing this to our kids and I don't want to instill fear in them about strangers and toilet rape. I want them to feel confident. We did the "tricky people" lesson and it has worked. My fiercely independent child was leaving our yard (5) and walking down to the golf course while we slept to have a granola bar by himself. We were horrified when we found out, and every scenario of him being stolen entered my mind. But none of that happened. I did not tell him "someone could have taken you and killed you or raped you" I told him "it is irresponsible when you live with a group of people to depart without telling others where you are going. If you want some down time to yourself, you have to come inform me or your father of your need for it".

And for what it is worth, my mom hovered me totally and I was never allowed to go into a public bathroom alone. I grew up very fearful, and it didn't save me from being sexually abused, or later raped. What I needed was ways to combat those situations, and recognize them. Not run from every potential stranger as a villain. When I was actually raped, I was left reeling about how I had not known to read my internal signals. How I had not known to get away. I was helpless and weak and unempowered. My kids are empowered to listen to their gut.

Totally agree Howler ...

Really sorry you had to go through that.

Twinkies, I think some people felt defensive because you indicated that you are "appalled" that a parent would accompany their child to the restroom and implied that not doing so is better and would result in a confident child. When you say things like that you're gonna alienate people and put them on the defensive. Maybe express yourself with a little less judgment and recognize that people are trying to do their best and that there may be good reasons for what they're doing that you are not privy to.

Irene, if I had read the full thread first, I would of been a ware that not everyone was on the same page. . I read the top comments at the top of page one, thought we were all on the same page, and commented based on that *not knowing some disagreed* make sense? But really, I have issues with hovering because my mother completely and totally engulfed me. We are now estranged and have been for over two years. She left me an insecure and unconfident dependent on her. So, articles like this are very triggering for me, and I thought I found a place whee everyone was in agreement (lesson learned: read entire threads for climbing on a soap box by yourself).

Not a problem-- for what it is worth, my later history is a pretty good match for your own....

and my own mother was the antithesis of yours. She paid as much attention to me as a box of laundry soap, and BLAMED me for each and every bad thing that ever happened to me, or told me to quit being bothersome.

So I think that the lesson here is that neglect doesn't really offer much in the way of good self-image, empowerment, or self-confident assertiveness either.

Actually, I think the lesson should be "be careful of how you express yourself." I could say that I personally am not comfortable or agree with letting my 4 year old kid use a public restroom alone without at the same time bashing or insulting those who do just that. In your case, I can see from what you have said how it was basically a practical necessity. Would I do it with my kid? No. Am I "appalled" you did it and do I have a whole bunch of judgments about you and your kid? No. I can say "well she was doing the best she could in her situation, etc. I can't judge I do not have deal with caring for two sets of twins all day every day." YKWIM? Try to communicate without the harsh judgment. Save it for people who are actually not being good parents, not parents who are really trying their best to navigate the journey and find the right balance.

I personally love contradictory opinions because I do want to question what I am doing and why. My best periods of personal growth usually follow a discussion where I was disagreed with (like this one). I am a Meyers brigg INFJ. My parenting and discussion style are a good reflection of that.

Yes in certain places I have seen signs saying children under a certain age (and I think it is usually like 12?) much be "accompanied by an adult" or "supervised by an adult." I have seen similar restroom signs in various places.

Totally agree.

Oh, I must apologize to everyone. I just went back and re read my thread and the replies trying to figure out what went wrong. OMG. I have been wondering what the frick. I forgot to say something very important and I look like a MORON. I meant Family Restrooms. When I said we started scouting out restrooms and then I didn't elaborate. I meant my kids go into family restrooms alone (or in pair). The kind where they are the only ones there (maybe they don't have these in other countries, but seriously I can't believe I left it out). My boys do NOT go into the men's restroom alone yet. I am so so so sorry. My face is very red and I feel stupid.