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Yeah, I developed a latex allergy occupationally over a period of many years, and it is a major pain to live with. Doesn't sound so benign to ME!

My point though was that if all one knew was what was on my DD's medic-alert bracelet, we'd look entirely over-the-top. When we are still asking for meetings/activities to be allergen-free, for accommodations for college/SATs, etc with my nearly 14yo in mind, it DOES look pretty extreme.

It would be extreme for a parent with a teen who has never had an allergic reaction and was diagnosed on the basis of a single blood test showing sensitization at 2yo. I do know of a few people like that-- and yes, that's being overprotective, probably.

The point is that even a few people who know us well enough to know how non-normative our lives are can still readily think that we're into helicopter territory-- until they witness our reality for themselves. This doesn't even include strangers whose cooperation we desperately NEED.

One of my dearest friends saw it for herself; DD was about seven and had a clear, instantaneous reaction to just walking into a room that had her allergen present (across the room). Until then, she'd been nice enough not to say what she really thought, but I knew. Similar incidents made her allergist a true believer, as well-- apparently eating an allergen in a room that DD stood in thirty minutes later was enough to cause systemic symptoms. I can always tell when someone has that epiphany-- because they look HORRIFIED, a little apologetic, and begin asking us questions about how we live with that kind of fear/risk. Basically, you just do. Not a lot of choice. I figure DD's extraordinary cognitive ability and superhuman social/empath skill is a pretty good bundle under the circumstances. Could be much worse. We laughingly refer to DD as "not a beginner project" between DH and I-- this is code for "this person/organization is too inexperienced/overconfident to be fully trusted... be wary." Basically, I look for fear as a marker for determining who actually understands. If they aren't a little afraid, they don't get what they are dealing with. WE are still afraid (well, okay more like healthy respect the way climbers experience heights), and we've been doing this for 13 years without any respite.

But like I said-- this does present us with something of a quandary w/r/t our general parenting philosophy of "respect for adult authority."

I've learned the hard way to ask before assuming when I see a parent doing something very odd or seemingly overprotective. Kids can have a lot of different vulnerabilities that don't leave them LOOKING fragile to others.

Dear HowlerKarma,

I SO admire you and your DD.

KADmom

I liked the article. It tallies with my experience as a member of generation y. I could not believe some of the things I saw in college. Students that didn't know how to use a washer and dryer would save up their laundry and take it home to mom at the end of the month. Many people thought that "knowing how to cook" meant being able to make toast and pasta. It just seemed that many people my age were woefully unprepared to do anything in life except (maybe) succeed academically.

I think this helicopter parenting is a lot more pervasive than we'd like to believe. My friends and I (we are now approaching 30) have spent the better part of a decade trying to get our parents to detach. Parents want to oversee job searches, they want to check your tax forms, they want to tell you what car to buy, they want to know your credit score, they want to put your budget into a spreadsheet for you, they want to organize your pantry, they want to see all your pictures on facebook, they want to make sure you saw the traffic report this morning, etc. (Just to be clear, I run in a very responsible circle -- there's no reason to believe we need to be treated like children.)

Anyway, that's my rant about helicopter parents. Hopefully I can avoid the pitfalls for my two kids. :-)

Reading this, I thought to myself, it really is relative and we wouldn't be on this forum if we weren't helicopter parents.

First, DD has some allergies and had to advocate for herself at school since preschool and know when someone has peanut food. And has touched a surface that someone eating peanuts has touched and then rubbed her eyes, but I was standing there, saw it and when within minutes her eyes started to react, I gave her Benadryl.

But I also know that in that age of running out the back door in the morning and coming back for dinner, while my age was still in single digits, my parents were not worried, or anyone else's about how high my IQ was, or how accelerated I should be etc. You went to school, the school closest and so on and then to college. And you had summer jobs and then you graduated and left home and got a job.

I was on the phone with a friend whose daughter is turning 21. She dropped out of college a couple of years ago. Tried a few things, while the mother supported her. Now she applied and got into a specialty school in London but now doesn't want to go. The mother, my friend, had spent 4 months in her home in CA and now is back in the Hamptons and the daughter wants her to leave again.

This sounded so strange to me but is the attitude that uncommon? Now, in this case, there is serious money available, but stil the attitude of "take care of me" really scared me. Am I creating a child of the same ilk?

I just went through this crazy stressful period to get my kid into the gifted school in Toronto, when we move. And yes, she did get the spot yesterday, but I made myself insanely stressful through a move that is already stressful.

I do let her climb trees and zip down long ramps on her scooter. And she makes me crazy with her injuries, but I am constantly creating a path for her, for her education advancement etc. And at some point, I have to wind this down. I am not sure I can withdraw from letting the path coast.

Well, hovering to the point that the child learns "I'm not really capable of managing any of this myself" sure does.

Saw that up close and personal time and time again when I spent time with my (now ex-) in-laws who were active in regional ADA advocacy. SOooooo many juvenile diabetics never learn to be fully functional, independent adults in a meaningful sense.

You have to deliberately allow mistakes when those mistakes are unlikely to have fatal consequences, I've decided. You also have to act very matter-of-fact about them taking on responsibilities for themselves, etc. NEVER act surprised when they succeed... only UNsurprised. "Oh, of course-- I don't know why you worried..." (even if you, personally, were TERRIFIED).

My DD is pretty independent, actually. She asks for advice sometimes, and if I think she's in way over her head with something... I'll ask if she wants my direct involvement/help... or not. I also respect her decision there, even if I disagree with it.

Really, this is not rocket science, it's about honoring/respecting the child's growing autonomy, and having FAITH that they will be sufficiently competent to manage what they need to take on.

Just the same, though, the risk with helicopter/high-intervention parenting is very real. I also think that this is a deep, deep flaw in the ideals behind attachment parenting. It's great for 0-5. But then you need to start DE-taching, and too many parents don't.

My mother told me repeatedly as I was growing up that if I didn't leave home when I was 18 that she would be leaving herself (jokingly). She was of course quite surprised when I did leave home.... But certainly I was raised with the absolute assumption that I would go to uni, leave home, get a job and manage my own life just fine. I was doing my own washing at 10, cooking a family meal at least once a week, etc. My own kids aren't doing a lot of the things I was and I do worry.

The ideals espoused by API, or a third party interpretation? AFAIK, the tenets are pretty general and encompass any number of potential parenting arrangements across ages. The eighth of their recommendations is to strive for personal and familial balance, which is what you're advocating, no?

From a quick Google:

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php

Yeah, just interpretation-- a lot of parents use API (well, their own version) to justify all manner of helicopter behavior, though. We are believers in API, fwiw. Just not that vision of it that doesn't view the ultimate goal as having children who grow to become functional, independent adults. I don't know. I see parents who seem to wish that they could freeze their kids at 2-5yo. Yes, they're amazing at those ages, but honestly... I think my 13yo is pretty amazing, too, and I treasure seeing glimpses of the adult she is becoming. Those are just as precious as the sweet preschooler 'I love you mommy' kisses. To me, anyway.

I wonder if part of it is a reluctance to give up that position of omnipotence/asymmetric ability or power that we have when our kids are little?

Well, I suppose there have always been overbearing / overly enmeshed parents. But I'm thinking that the root of helicopter parenting is anxiety. People have been experiencing a lack of faith in our social institutions for decades. It's hard to trust that anyone else has your child's best interest in mind. Some parents find a bit of comfort by micromanaging the experiences of their children. It was an interesting assertion that none of us would be on this forum if we weren't helicopter parents to some degree. I wonder where the line is between involved and over-involved parents.

Also, parenting perfectionism... If research says that talking to your children throughout the day will increase their vocabulary, then doesn't that mean we should talk at them non-stop? That's the trouble I have with attachment parenting... So many parents feel that they have to conform to these standards to an extreme. I get sucked into this trap myself, and my DH has to talk me down and reassure me that I'm doing a good job and the children are thriving.

There was a Sesame street episode about some kids in 3rd world country that went around and found bits of wire and made these "cars" with one strong wire they held as they pushed them. They were being creative and building, and developing all these skills as they "played".

I remember raking leaves (part chore) with friends and we created lines on the lawn and made "homes". Figuring out blueprints. Except for bead assembly packages, my kid doesn't have a natural outlet like I did to use what is in the environment and create. The most is taking all the beach blankets and making tents on the beach.

Too many toys. Too many bought structures. And too much going to a ceramic place for bday parties and painting instead of just getting a set of paints and doing something without structure. Not that she hasn't but there is that element of just going out the back door, meet your friends and figure out how to spend a summer day. I hope there is more of that in Toronto, but I think the days are too overscheduled and getting worse as she gets older.