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VERY nicely said.

We struggle with this because my daughter's life (really, not any exaggeration) sometimes depends upon her ability to defy others-- even adult authority. It feels like a tight-rope act, because NO WAY do we want to be raising a "the rules don't apply to me" child. But we DO want her to actually-- um-- "grow up." So there we are. Rock and a hard place.


At the same time, this is very much our philosophy as parents. We also believe in quite hard boundaries-- and a sense of free-range parenting within those boundaries.

Frankly I'm always astonished that other parents do so much of the environmental controlling the way they do. It boggles my mind when I stop and think about it. I mean, we're worried (for good reason, and we have ample history to support our level of obsession about it) about never seeing our daughter breathing and laughing again-- what are THEY worried about? Everything, or so it would seem. They aren't willing to take ANY risks with their children, and life is filled with risks. I'm just more aware, I think, of what is silly to worry about that way, and what is more evidence-based. Maybe that's arrogant of me, but I also fervently believe it to be true after 14 years of watching this sideshow. I tend to ask myself "what is the worst that could happen? Really? How statistically likely is that?" before freaking out and intervening. I'm all for helmets, but I'm not going to keep my DD from skateboarding. Life's for living.


I also believe that the thing that has taught my daughter most of the positive traits on that list is being marginalized and discriminated against herself. She looks for ways to support and be kind to others, and to be more inclusive-- something which is all too rare among her peers. Well, not HER peers, because she's kind of picky about the company she keeps in a lot of ways-- but her peer cohort, perhaps I should say.

They think nothing of excluding others, and are really dismissive even when someone like my daughter gently (but assertively) says; "Hey, did you think about...."



At the same time, I'd say that my daughter's self-esteem is probably "not awesome." She's very hard on herself.

I think it is wonderful that your daughter figured out to take something that happened to her that was a negative and turn it into a positive for others!! Standing ovation here, because this is the type of mind set that we need going forward.

Bad things are going to happen, of course they are! We can't prevent them no matter how hard we try. It is how we react and respond in the face of adversity that defines who we are and who we will become.

I think your daughter must have more self esteem then you recognize because it takes a lot of courage to stand up for someone else. She sounds like me, actually. I have very strict standards for myself, my husband often tells me that no one can possibly live up to the standards that I set. I don't know if it is an idealist personality type or just the fact that you intuitively know that x results in y, and feel frustrated when others can't recognize that which feels obvious and/or necessary.

I am sorry your daughter struggles with authority and I hope that one day she will recognize in the greater scheme of things, most of the time authority is a positive thing. Until then, I guess that is their job to give us grey hair!!!

That's just it-- for her, in one particular domain, MOST of the time, authority doesn't know what it's talking about, and is therefore an active danger to her. (yes, really)

She needs help being MORE assertive in those situations, not becoming comfortable that the teacher/grown-up/boss/manager should just be trusted.

The only authority she 'struggles' with really are the group of adults who are in her inner circle. We sometimes call this "DD's circle of pain" by the way, so she's pretty strong willed there, but with most authority figures, she is a total deer in headlights, shrinking violet type. She does what she's told even when she really shouldn't for her own safety. We worry about this constantly.

The problem is that kids not raised to respect authority, I think, may have an easier job of it when they need to advocate for themselves fairly forcefully. I don't know, though, because maybe nobody listens to them because they are constantly whining on about something... Hmm.

Hmm...that is not good. Is there any way possible to limit her time in that domain. Or is it a place where you feel comfortable that she is old enough to police herself and get help if needed? If not, I would have to question the safety of keeping her in that situation.

I definitely feel that is not the norm and therefore, kids are still much better off learning to respect authority rather then not.

I do tell Emily that if an adult or authority figure tells her to do something that she is not comfortable with, she may advocate for herself, but she has to do it with respect and thoughtfulness.

Nope, no way to limit the domain. Don't. I. WISH.

It's food. Everyone eats, most people do it literally everywhere (often in spite of rules* to the contrary), and everyone thinks that (via familiarity) they know what is necessary and safe for someone with food allergies, and 99% of the time, they are wrong, wrong, wrong about what they know to be "true" there, because sensitivity varies so dramatically.

This is the reason why we originally started homeschooling. Eventually, yes, I trust DD to manage. Nobody else, though. Been burned too many times.

This is admittedly a special situation-- but it probably applies to ANY child with a hidden medical condition that requires ongoing management. Most people think that they know a lot more about it than they really do, and the child is ultimately the boss of his/her own body... gets into really weird territory in a hurry.


* Brings up an adorable anecdote about my DD, though, from when she was about four. She and I were talking about 'differences' and hidden disabilities/challenges. So I explained what 'dyslexia' and related learning challenges are like. She was silent for a few moments, clearly thinking hard, and then she said, plaintively; "Oh, mama... maybe those people eating cookies at the library have a disability that means that they cannot read the SIGN." She kind of wailed, actually-- clearly guilt-ridden for her awful thoughts about those rule-breakers. Maybe they didn't MEAN to break the rules, they just couldn't read what they were...

Yup. Perfect glimpse into my DD's psyche, there. She felt guilty for being mad at those people who were thoughtlessly limiting HER access to a public library.

I apologize if I sound ignorant, I am lost. Is she allergic to ALL food or certain foods? How old is she? Can she manage to carry her own epi pen with her in a fanny pack? I have a life threatening allergy also, so I am not minimizing and know the stress that goes a long with not knowing what might be in something. But I do have to tell you that I work in the school lunch room 3 days a week and we are really trained very well to know who is allergic to what and to always have their epi pens with us whenever the student is with us.

We are NOT a nut free school, but if I know that a child has a nut allergy I make sure that no one in his/her immediate area has anything with nuts. I take the time and explain "nut allergies" to the other students in the child's classroom because if they know it is a serious issue, they help guardian the allergic child. I have had instances where friends of the allergic student have alerted us to a potential allergen in the area.

Additionally, you might be surprised at how well elementary kids can advocate for themselves. One boy raised his hand and I went over to see what he needed and he said that someone at his table had a PB&J, so I immediately moved him to a safe area to eat and asked him to invite one or two friends (without nut lunches) to sit with him.

If your daughter has a food allergy I would definitely teach her to manage her care and educate others around her because you are correct, no matter where she goes she will never be 100% safe and you can never predict when her allergen will appear next to her. But even so, she can still have a safe and happy life if she knows how to identify her allergens and protect herself from them. It isn't fair that she has to live that way, but it is her reality.

I was a helicopter mom, but before you judge all helicopter parents too harshly, you need to hear my experience.

My gifted son was born into a family of strong, well-coordinated people in a small sports-obsessed town. His cousins were football stars in our little town. His first sergeant dad was retired from the army after having worked in military intelligence and was very physically fit. My son inherited his dad's tall build and long legs. He looked like he should be a really good runner or basketball player. Boys in this town are expected to play sports, push themselves physically, and push through the pain. My son didn't look like he should have any trouble doing this.

From birth, I knew something was different. My son did not have the physical strength to walk until he was 18 months old and it had nothing to do with intelligence or lack of trying. He taught himself to read at two just like his older highly gifted half brother. He loved to learn, but in a sports town that doesn't matter as much as physical skills.

Doctors would only tell us that he had hypotonia. Some people here believed that the only cure for weak muscles is lots of exercise and that I was the reason that he was not stronger. He had to quit scouts because I could not get a doctor's statement stating exactly how far he could hike and do other physical things. I was afraid they would push him to do more than he could do if I let him go to the camps after talking to some of the scouts. All I had was my God-given mother's instinct that this was not a good idea. I was asked to leave while my son took an MMA class once. We had told the instructor that he had hypotonia and by then scoliosis and needed to take breaks. I left but watched from outside. The instructor would not let him take a break when he needed to. Instead he made him do a lot of push-ups and pushed him physically to the point that he got sick. When we complained, he said that it wasn't fair to the other students for my son to rest for part of the lesson so he had to quit that.

We only recently got a diagnosis that includes a heart condition. Interestingly, none of his PCPs noticed any problem, since a connective tissue disorder is very much an invisible disability, and we could not get referrals to specialists we needed until a few months ago and he is almost 15. For the rest of his life he is not allowed to lift more than 50 pounds, he can't do sports, he can't do a lot of things. If he does, it can kill him.

I, with my mild social anxiety issues, had to face people who didn't understand and thought I must be lying about my son's issues. All they saw was a helicopter mom. All I knew was that I had to do what I felt in my gut was the right thing to do for my son and I had to learn to not worry about what other people thought.

I am sorry your son is so sick. I know that you feel judged by this thread and it sounds like you were judged by your community, but I just want to say that I find your situation unique and different then what I would consider as a helicopter parent.

In no way would I consider what you have to go through or had to go through to advocate for your son as being a helicopter parent.

An example of a helicopter parent would be: A parent who has to have influence or hand pick a child's teacher every year. Who has to intervene, constantly, in situations that the child could probably handle on their own. For example: Child says: Susie hurt my feelings at lunch today. A non helicopter parent might discuss what happened between the children and give the child suggestions on how to effectively communicate her thoughts and feelings to Susie without ever actually getting involved. A helicopter parent might call the teacher and reprimand them for allowing it to happen, call Susie's parents and try to manipulate the situation to their own child's favor, basically try to mold and shape the environment to their child rather then teach the child how to adapt to the environment.

That is just one example, there are many more. I am sure you have had to encounter these type of parents before.

As far as your situation goes, nobody knows a child better then the child's own parent(s). If you know something is wrong, you don't have to defend yourself or prove yourself to anyone. All you have to do is keep your child safe.

I am glad you listened to your motherly intuition, which IMHO, is worth it's weight in gold.

Kelly, no offense, but your response IS why my DD, now nearly 14, doesn't trust authority figures. Because they know all about her food allergies-- until they don't.

Her sensitivity is such that she really has almost died just from TOUCHING some surface that someone else (apparently? we can only surmise) has touched after loading his/her hands with a food allergen. She is VERY careful about what she touches, so the odds are good that we are talking about <10mg of food. An invisible smear is plenty. Very fast, very scary, very severe-- and no real idea of the 'source' of the allergen exposure. About half the time, there is little possibility for an ingestion of any kind, and this is definitely not in her head-- though she has had adults try to tell her to "just calm down" over what they know "can't" be causing her a problem. Even family has done it. I know that most of the experts in the field maintain that "inhalation" isn't a risk-- except that in her case, it really does seem to be. She's just as much an outlier among food allergic people as she is in terms of cognitive ability. Only about one person in 1000 with food allergies can actually identify with her completely. Her allergist, trained in one of the world's premier centers for food allergy, has only seen a small handful of kids like her in his career.

No way can she safely be "around" those allergens she's most sensitive toward. At all. It's not about emotional management and a need for her to be less anxious. She is right to be fearful when just being in the proximity of one of those things makes her asthma flare, her eyes burn, and her nose run like a faucet through all of her maintenance pharmacology. This is radically different from the common experience, management-wise, and we're aware that not everyone NEEDS to do things this way. She can tell you EXACTLY what that person munching out of her hand at a bookstore has touched in the last ten minutes-- she's very aware and self-protective. She washes her hands almost compulsively and wears long sleeves so that she can pull them over her hands to open doors, etc. I've learned that most of the time, she knows better than I do; to my eternal shame, I have forced her to undertake risks that I thought were fine and she thought weren't-- and she was right.

So yeah. She has learned the signs for an adult that THINKS that they know all about it-- "well, you should just teach her to carry one of those pen thingies" (people can die even WITH epinephrine-- it's not a get-out-of-anaphylaxis-free card, and particularly not in someone with my DD's history) and "you should read labels, then" (uhhhhh... where to even start, here... that is SO inadequate for her since she has a long history of reacting to well-cleaned shared production lines) or our personal favorite "well, don't you know what you can't eat?"

The other thing is that we'd all like to get stickers printed up that say "anaphylaxis-- it's NOT what you think" because most of the time, her life-threatening reactions manifest first with diffuse, sort of hard-to-pin-down cardiovascular symptoms, which are incapacitating in terms of her ability to advocate and self-treat, but not obviously "allergic." Even people who THINK that they know what an allergic reaction looks like are not thinking about an epipen when she looks glassy-eyed and pale-- though that may be the only real warning sign before she collapses and arrests. I know. While well-intended, the more confident adults who are familiar with food allergies are actually the ones that pose the greatest risks to her, because they have to set aside what they "know" and UNLEARN some of it. It's awkward, though, for a child/teen to defy that authority.

We're all about "safe enough" which is mostly about reducing risk to the point where a reaction is only about 10% probable, and such that if one did occur, it would be relatively simple to treat and summon EMS to the location. Many factors impact those things, but basically the ones that elevate risk are-- many independent sources of food, movement + food, crowding + food, remote locations, porous/non-washable shared touch surfaces, and percentage of sloppy eaters (young children top that list). We go nowhere outside of our house-- even just for a walk-- without multiple lot numbers of epinephrine injectors, a charged cellular phone, hand-wipes (for on-the-fly decontamination) and asthma medications.

My child really hasn't ever been to sleep-away camp, to a group banquet, or to a sleepover. She's attended exactly three birthday parties in her life other than her own, and until quite recently, had been on an airplane exactly three times. I didn't drop her off at activities until she was nearly ten years old-- and mature enough to manage her own cellular phone. On the other hand, within a year or so, we would leave her AT HOME ALONE for short periods of time, which seems crazy, right? But she's safer with us or at home than anywhere else. I used to take her to work with me when she was a toddler-- into a lab filled with chemical, biological, and radiological hazards, no less. Still safer than daycare.

So I look like a helicopter parent. I know. In our defense, we have nearly lost our daughter several times in her life, and in spite of extensive sleuthing never discovered what exactly went wrong. I, too, have a life-threatening food allergy (to shellfish) and my experience is NOTHING like the limitations on my daughter's life. I manage the way most people do-- avoiding risks in what I eat and not worrying too much otherwise, but carrying epinephrine just the same. I mention that just to note that our seeming over-protectiveness is about empirical data, not 'what if' types of fears, and to reassure anyone reading that I do know what life with a "normal" life-threatening food allergy is like, and how one can live relatively normally, albeit without sushi or paella.

If we'd been that cavalier/reasonable with our DD, she wouldn't be here. We honed our management the hard way. There was a time in her life when every outing was a 50-50 proposition for needing benadryl/inhaled meds to treat mild-to-moderate symptoms. It's still around the 10-20% mark. There is a reason we've responded with hypervigilance, and it has nothing to do with "wanting" to live this way, or with irrational fear-- but with extraordinary circumstances.

Similarly, I have an acquaintance whose younger DD is treated with great care w/r/t communicable illnesses... due to the profound immunosuppression of an older sibling.

All that to say... be careful what you assume when you judge other parents. None of us knows exactly what is behind the behavior we witness.

Wow, that is really extreme. And no, I disagree, you don't look like a helicopter parent in that situation, like I said to the PP her safety is your first priority, period.

Again, when it comes to medical conditions, I would never judge anyone as a helicopter parent, my examples are more everyday typical average case scenarios that don't need to be micro managed for the safety of the child.

I am glad your DD is so in tune with her symptoms. That would be hard to live with, for sure. I apologize because quite honestly, that is the most severe case of allergies I have EVER heard of.

My life threatening allergy is latex and that sounds pretty benign, but I have inhalation symptoms as well and when we had our interior home painted, my throat swelled shut during the night and I couldn't speak and couldn't get my husband to wake up (heavy sleeper). I thought I was going to die. Luckily my asthma inhaler and going outside provided enough relief to get a small amount of air to pass through and I was able to collect myself and get my epi pen, but yes, it was scarey and I know what you mean when you say people don't understand that you can breathe in an allergen and die from it. It may sound idiotic, but they told me there was no latex in the paint. I beg to disagree.

You have my complete understanding.