Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion "I don't want to be smart. I want to be normal."

So said dd9 tonight, after a protracted discussion in which she admitted to getting things wrong on purpose sometimes. The irony here is that she goes to a gifted magnet school. I think she is probably at the top of the class. (I don't know, though.) I asked her if the other kids in her class are also not "normal" and she said some are and some aren't, but would not specify further.

She also connected being smart to being sad (she has a depression diagnosis). She thinks being smart is causing her to think too much and feel lonely. FWIW, she actually has a lot of friends, including close ones.

These comments were made through storms of weeping.

Thoughts? BTW, she tested MG and *should* be squarely in the middle of the bell curve in her class. She doesn't really act MG, though.

Aw, the scores could have been low. Maybe she's really HG+

Is this new behaviour? I went through something similar in high school but I think it had a lot to do with feeling socially isolated. I was just sick of being in a world full of people who were not on the same page as me. I was tired of being weird and different. I hated my life. I just kinda slogged my way through it all.

If your DD is with like minded peers, though, I wonder if something else is at the root of the behaviour. Could something have happened that you don't know about? Or maybe it's early tween hormones interacting with the hyper-sensitivity that comes with G?

I would just validate her feelings - support her right to have them - and just nurture her through it. No feelings are ever wrong. Just be there for her and listen. If she feels heard and understood, she'll be ok

(Also, if you spend enough time just listening rather than actively trying to solve it, she may elaborate further and tell you what you need to hear to understand... )

Don't know if you have seen this or it would apply, but I really like James Webb's take on it.
http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10554.aspx

Ditto. It wasn't until college that I started to find a critical mass of like-minded people, and since then it's been a lot better. I'm so sorry your DD is feeling this way. Unfortunately it does seem to be a common experience. Maybe she would find some comfort in hearing that??

FWIW, I also got things wrong on purpose in early grade school, more out of boredom than anything else, but that didn't last long. Fortunately I was adequately challenged in regular school so at least academic boredom wasn't an issue for me. Best of luck to you and your DD

Deacon Girl, thank you for that link. I see both of my DSs in there, but especially my youngest who is telling us he's lonely and doesn't have any friends.

FWIW, I am mildly skeptical that she is actually getting things wrong on purpose as in "I have read the question, know the answer is C, and am putting down A." I do think she is not really trying some of the time, though-- a la, "Who cares...why bother?" This whole conversation came about when I checked some HW and saw she had gotten two VERY easy questions wrong; conversation revealed that she clearly hadn't even read them. They have been doing a lot of on-grade standardized test prep over the last couple of months and I imagine she finds it stultifying.

I have never heard her say before that she doesn't want to be smart (we have downplayed "smart" and never made a big deal of it, but the cat is out of the bag at this point, which is reasonable at 9). So that's new. She was tired during this discussion so I need to talk to her about it a little more. It seemed clear that she was connecting her intelligence to feelings of sadness, dissatisfaction, and isolation that she experiences. She is a great idealist and also extremely eager to grow up. I do think she sees that other children don't experience the frustration, anger, and sense of devastation by the imperfection of the world that she does. So, some of the Webb link definitely applies...

Hoagies just posted this on fb:
http://www.twicegifted.net/id8.html

Ultra, I hope you will call your DD's professional (the person who dxed the depression?) and consult them.

I find it likely that if she already has the depression DX, she's casting around for why she feels sad, and her uniqueness in being gifted is just the thing she's found to blame-- it may not be any kind of rational cause/effect. Depressed people often seek to think out reasons for why they (biochemically) feel lousy.

To me, the solution for this and the anxiety you've been talking about on other threads is to treat the depression as thoroughly as you can at this stage; if she were my kid I'd probably explore the possibilities of meds (for relief) and cognitive-behavior therapy (for long-term skill-building and resilience).

DeeDee

Having peers who are on her level is so important. I was really lucky to find a group of peers my junior year of high school. There were 6 of us who hung out together and that was enough to make ignoring the rest of the class of 500 juniors so much easier. It was a pretty lucky situation that threw us all together, honestly. I would imagine most folks don't find that group until college, as is often stated here. My friends from that group are now a doctor, 2 lawyers, one runs a lobbying firm in DC, another used to work for the UN and now works for the pentagon, another is a paramedic who volunteers in 3rd world countries. Amazing people. I honestly feel like a bit of a bum compared to them, lol!

Thanks, again, Deacon Girl.