Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Dr. Ross Greene - Collaborative Problem Solving

BSM,
Does your son have his own digital watch with countdown timer and the ability to set alarms?

My DS7 has a poor time sense, but can be quite obsessive about obeying a timer that he sets himself. If he never develops a good timesense, he will hopefully always have that as a mechanic to manage his time. If he misses a schedule, then the discussion is about how to improve his tool use (set the timer for 5 minutes before bath time) or improving his decision making (a level takes three minutes, I have two minutes left I should stop now)rather than changing the schedule.

lol... oops missed ultramarina's while I was typing a response

His own digital watch is an even better idea. (My DD would never agree to wear a digital watch--she doesn't like the way they look.)

I've also considered getting a visual timer, like these:

http://www.amazon.com/Time-Timer-LLC-8%2522-Inch/dp/B000J5OFW0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363120392&sr=8-1&keywords=visual+timer

http://www.amazon.com/Learning-Reso...=1363120392&sr=8-6&keywords=visual+timer

I would recommend against that specific model. I bought it last summer with high hopes, but while it does work as advertized it takes more than a minute to change the time .

Fine if you want to always use it for a given interval, hell if you want to use it for very different things (you have 30mn to do your homework, we are leaving in 5 minutes, you need to read for 20mn...) as you have to go through a rather lengthy set-up sequence every. single. time.

A deal breaker for us. It has been used twice and collected dust since then.

If you need a simple timer, we love the VisTimer app. We have it on the iphones and ipads. It's fast to set and change the time you want to measure. It has audio cues (early cues if you want as a warning). It has a minute/second countdown and it also makes a visual circle of the time that slowly disappears as time passes for a visual cue. We were going to buy the Learning Resources timer but found this to be much cheaper and way more portable!

This solves it for my DS8. I'll say "15 more minutes then it's brush teeth (or whatever) time."

After the time elapses, he's usually (like, 90% of the time) totally fine. If we don't warn him, sometimes he's fine too, or sometimes I'll hear "you forgot to warn me!!" This usually occurs if there's a secondary reason, like he's tired, has a cold, etc. Then, depending what the issue is and the time involved, I'll either say "ok, five more minutes" or "sorry bud - sometimes in life you don't get a warning." Then he'll say "aw!!" and pretend pout, but comply.

(We use the timer on the stove, or one of those twisty egg timers, or the timer function on one of their iPods)

Yeah, I was actually thinking there was surely a great app for this purpose. (No iPads/smartphones in our house.)

I think most ALL kids (and adults!)are capable of having a meltdown/tantrum/whatever, if they think that will get them off the hook or get them what they want etc, if other "approaches" aren't working for them!!

I know several autistic kids who do this- and I would venture to say that for these kids it is a "learned behavior" b/c when they have a tantrum? when they explode/act out? The mom gives in. Every time! And even if she doesn't give in, she still in a way does- b/c while she is yelling or arguing with kiddo- he's still doing just what he wanted to be still doing- usually playing a video game or maybe not wanting to go inside a building etc.

*I'm not trying to get into parenting debate or that these gals may need gentle reminders that consistency /following thru etc is important, ***trust me- I tell them! (very gently and only if they ask my opinion/advice)

Also, yes agree that #1 is setting clear goals/outcomes in way child understands, then following through- but for outbursts etc, finding the kids TRIGGER- very important. And then learning what works best to avoid setting that trigger off, o how to get around it or even get thru it.

For my DS6 when younger if he started to show increased signs of anxiety, there was always a trigger.

I think I got off topic....
Anyways, Thank you for book suggestion,
I'm going to check this out from library also, I love reading new stuff,new ideas. Can always learn something new that will be helpful

ah, I should add that I didn't mean that is ONLY reason these kids would have outburst! Just that most are "capable" of that.

I agree that this can sometimes be the case. Then you have kids like my DS8. I have never given in to a tantrum. If you speak with him when he is calm he can analyze history and tell you that when he has a tantrum he gets none of what he wants and it leads to a worse outcome for him. He doesn't get to do the activity he was doing while he tantrums- as I physically stop it (turn off tv, take by hand and remove, etc...). YET- he only recently at 8 has stopped having tantrums on a regular basis. Transitions just are hard for him. Setting clear expectations, giving "almost time" warnings and remaining calm in the face of his disappointment are key for us- but even then we have no guarantee he won't melt. Thankfully, age seems to be an issue and he is slowly coming to a point of maturity where we can begin to sigh a little breath of relief.

2. Define the problem or concern (of both parties... if the child's concern is ignored it won't work, so both adult and child concern must be identified)
3. Invitation (invite the child to contribute ideas for a solution)

...just reading about it now

Actually I'm reading "Lost at School" in which he covers the same principal, but more for teachers than parents. The scenarios he demonstrate involve classroom students, and the CPS process includes the school team, student and parents.

Same principles though. It occurred to me as I'm reading that I think one of the reasons my kids are less explosive than they used to be is because I've tried to be more collaborative with them in general. I'm still more of a "plan A, impose my will" type of person, but I've discovered by trial and error that if we talk about what's upsetting them, and if I just shut up and LISTEN (lol), it works wonders.

A very wise EA friend of mine put me on this path when my two kids were toddlers... if one of them would be acting out, she'd offer an explanation as to why... rather than offering a suggestion of how to control it. This combined with the theory that "every behaviour communicates something" (autism training) has been really enlightening. So the "step 1, empathy" and "step 3, invitation" were already in place for us. What I need to work on is defining what the key concern is for each behaviour.

For instance, this morning DS8 didn't want to make his own breakfast. On the surface, that appears to be the concern, but in reality there's a "why" beneath that, which I need to focus more on, rather than reverting to plan A... (turns out he just didn't feel like doing it - I can definitely relate to that). We spent about 3-4 minutes discussing why he didn't think he should do it, and then finally I said "You know, if you'd just gone into the kitchen and made breakfast rather than trying to get out of having to do it, you'd be eating right now." ...he then said "Fiiine! ok." and went into the kitchen. Not exactly like the book illustrates, but there was no meltdown I think the key was that I heard him out and validated his feelings.