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    Joined: Jul 2011
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    Originally Posted by HowlerKarma
    A single interpersonal problem might not be the person's fault, but a string of them... tends to be pointing at something being off. I don't think for a second that this is merely her anxiety disorder. Have you tried asking one of the teachers who "dislike" your DD why they haven't warmed up to her? Ever asked one of these "former" friends or their parents what the problem was between the kids?

    I would do that.

    This sounds useful to do.

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    Agree with HowlerKarma on most points but think low self worth is still a very real possibility.

    I am confused. How is she playful in class without friends? What exactly does she do in class?

    Last edited by SAHM; 01/26/13 07:48 AM.
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    Originally Posted by SAHM
    Agree with HowlerKarma on most points but think low self worth is still a very real possibility.

    I am confused. How is she playful in class without friends? What exactly does she do in class?

    It happened when she was younger in a private elementary school and of course she ins't doing it anymore with her maturity. wink

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    Originally Posted by HowlerKarma
    If a grade is less than 100% in that household, there are consequences. Because "results matter."

    This breaks my heart. It also sounds like just what the OP's daughter is doing to herself. This kind of thinking means there is no way to enjoy being successful. Perfection in all things is an impossible standard to maintain so they are being set up for failure. These bright, engaged kids are missing out on the joy of learning. It just makes me so sad...

    OP, I am not the parent of a teenager so take this with a grain of salt, I would get her involved in some kind of activity that cannot be measured in terms of being done perfectly. Maybe as a family volunteer one night a week at a soup kitchen. Have her spend Saturday afternoons volunteering at an animal shelter. Maybe just go to an amusement park and have fun. I would try to provide some outlets to allow her to have experiences that can be positive without the pressure of being perfect or competitive. At an animal shelter she will likely meet some other teens who have the qualities you say are important to her. She will get out of the house and interact with people. Life is bound to get lonely if all she allows herself to experience are her books, volleyball practice (where she also probably expects herself to be perfect) and her parents.

    I'm not a psychologist but I wonder if this need to study 24/7 may be akin to an Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder. Can she stop herself or does she feel compelled to just keep at it? Especially with a history of anxiety and depression I would get her to a counselor pronto...

    JMHO. Good luck.

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    Originally Posted by momsalwaysamom
    Originally Posted by SAHM
    Agree with HowlerKarma on most points but think low self worth is still a very real possibility.

    I am confused. How is she playful in class without friends? What exactly does she do in class?

    It happened when she was younger in a private elementary school and of course she ins't doing it anymore with her maturity. wink


    That makes more sense. Be careful not to confuse who she was with who she is / is becoming. Growing up can be a rough process for all involved.

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    Ahh-- someone else beat me to it. I was thinking about this as I was drinking my coffee this morning, and was going to suggest that the OP insist that her DD make a regular commitment to community service of some kind. Preferably INDIRECT community service, where she doesn't really "see" the results of that service in real time.

    The reason why I think that might be very helpful is that she will get NOTHING out of that which is measured by: a) performance, or b) gratitude from those she is helping. In other words, she will be (emotionally) on her own in feeling good about what she is doing without having EXTERNAL cues for doing so.

    Some ideas that might suit gifted teens who do not yet drive:

    a) library volunteer work
    b) working for a local food bank
    c) working for (as noted above) a local humane society or animal shelter
    d) local Habitat for Humanity
    e) volunteering to be a general office assistant for a local elementary school

    The bonus of completely altruistic service like this is that it helps kids get out of their own heads so much, of course-- but it also lets them meet OTHER people who are just genuinely interested in making the world a better place. In a group of typical adolescents, that kind of thinking can really make a person feel freakish-- but the helping professions are filled with people like that.

    You might see if there is a local youth volunteer corps in your area-- these programs are run by Americorps participants, who are often idealistic young college graduates. It's a way to get a wide variety of volunteer experiences and build a network of like-minded other youth near you.



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    I think everyone got some wrong info and idea here and there but it's ok. It's a long back and forth post marathorn.

    We are not the type of parents that whould ask our child to get a 100%. We ask for her best for everything, it is the effort not the result. I don't mind her being in a B or C as only as it's her best effort. She is the one takes it to the next level for her own satisfaction.

    She will be involved with charity work once school is off. We have our own charity work from time to time and school just takes up most of her time. I would see the part that she tries to be the top as a training of determination, persistence and perservance which she used to be lacking in while in the private school. Again, she is her own boss and I'm just here to support and cheer for her. I don't need that to satisfy my desire of success. My desire of success is to make my daughter a useful and happy person. smile

    Thanks again everyone. I think I will take all the advice and put it in actions when I see the need. I will never say no to all the assumptions or suggestions otherwise I wouldn't be here to ask all the opinions.

    Everything is so insigtful and I learned a lot.

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    Noooo, don't ask for her best in everything! There's no "just" about that; no wonder she's working 24/7...

    Eta: you didn't say just, I see, but I feel it was implied. However, for a conscientious person, asking for their best is far worse than asking for 100%. At least if the requirement is 100% you can stop when you're sure you've done enough to achieve that.

    Last edited by ColinsMum; 01/26/13 04:04 PM.

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    {nodding}

    Yes. I mean, in light of that I can see why it would be a bad idea to up the difficulty level-- but only because if "100%" is how she KNOWS that she's done "her best," then she might really be completely at a loss or go into a tailspin if she didn't HAVE that benchmark anymore.

    Be aware, though, that such a day is coming for her no matter what any of you do-- either in the workplace or in college, there WILL come a time when her "best" (even at the expense of her physical or mental health) will not be "the best" or maybe even "one of the best."

    What then?



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    Oops. I said that to her because she got all 100% in the private school without even trying and we strongly disliked that study habit. What should we say to her instead now....

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