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    #147106 - 01/25/13 02:12 PM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: momsalwaysamom]
    momsalwaysamom Offline
    Junior Member

    Registered: 01/23/13
    Posts: 14
    Loc: California
    Ok. Let me wrap this up. My concern and my motive of this post is..

    Is she in a right school for the right group?

    Should I react to the situation instead of letting her learn to deal with it? I made a mistake believing in this while she had been bullied for years and had her suffered from anxiety. I told myself all kids are kind nature and everyone should learn in their own course. I was wrong and I can't forgive myself by not listening to my heart when problems arose. I taught her to bear it and kinda put the blame on her then....

    There's only 3 more yrs for me to help before she leaves our house..

    Is there people like her waiting for her? Any hope? or should I just let her learn and believe in her again?

    Just being a nervous mom who thinks she has done soemthing wrong in the past... bad decision....

    So any insight?


    Edited by momsalwaysamom (01/25/13 02:14 PM)

    Top
    #147107 - 01/25/13 02:17 PM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: momsalwaysamom]
    HowlerKarma Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/05/11
    Posts: 5181
    Hmmm-- I have to wonder if, in light of your DD's ability to gravitate to older youth, the decision to keep her academically with age-mates is entirely positive.

    It seems that this is causing a handful of related problems--

    your DD is the "curve-breaker" for her peers (this cannot possibly make a person a lot of friends unless they are willing to help others cheat)

    she is learning that 100% is not only reasonably attainable, but also that it is EXPECTED-- for her, anyway

    she is learning that there is nobody else as capable as she is within her peer group.


    In some ways, my DD doesn't have those problems because she thinks of her ACADEMIC peer group as the hard-working, honor society, AP/IB kids who are three years older than her. In other words, she is still in the top 10%, but it's a matter of luck who is "on top" in any particular area or assignment, and they all know it.

    This also frees her (and her peers) to view agemate relationships as SOCIAL rather than academic in nature-- and therefore non-competitive in that academic arena. It also frees academic peers from seeing my DD as a social threat (which is a girl thing, I fear).

    I'm wondering why your family has decided so emphatically against acceleration, momsalwaysamom. I'm sure that you have good reasons for the decision-- I'm just wondering if you've examined the probable down side of always being number 1. (Because I think that it goes without saying that this won't always be the case, particularly if your child attends a prestigious/elite college-- there is ALWAYS someone smarter than you, even if it takes a while to run across such a person...)

    We've had a few friends whose children (and I'm going to be appearing to be stereotyping here, I'm sure... but this is about cultural expectations, not race) were expected to achieve at the 99th percentile-- ALWAYS. My DD has a few friends who have that expectation placed on them by first-generation immigrant parents. They see being a "standout" as NEVER being a negative thing, and that even if the child has to work frantically hard to earn those accolades, that is completely worth it. Parents work hard to provide opportunities, and they expect that their children will work EVERY BIT as hard to take advantage of them, and to give 110% at everything that they do. In one instance, one of the children in the family is HG, and the other is bright/MG; but both children are expected to achieve the way my DD does (without extraordinary effort). My DD feels terribly sad for the MG child in that family, because it's clear even to my 13yo that this is an unrealistically high, crushing expectation that is sucking the joy out of life for that friend, who is overstressed and overscheduled to a tremendous degree. My DD has helped this peer with math tutoring, fwiw, and the student is very bright... just not PG-bright. If a grade is less than 100% in that household, there are consequences. Because "results matter." They are looking to produce high school valedictorians in that household. Period. No WAY would they consider acceleration for the HG child, even though (privately) that seems to me to be a far more appropriate and healthy thing. Because that might jeopardize "number one."

    Anyway. Not suggesting that your reasons for keeping your DD in an age-placement are necessarily about insurance of having a high school valedictorian... but if they ARE...

    please consider that long-term, it can be better for a child to have an academic peer group that CAN compete with her.

    I can also respect that other families see this quite differently than we do. For families which see elite college admissions as the goal, maintaining that level of achievement might well be something that they decide is mandatory. (It's not that important to us; our feeling is that the cost to our DD is simply too high to consider doing it.)

    Making 100% the goal can feed anxiety every bit as much as making success uncertain/out of reach can. I know-- we've been walking this tightrope with my DD13. It seems (from most research on the subject) that making 100% just out of reach is better strategically than conditioning them to feel that this is always what "success" will look like for themselves. After all, if the class is not terribly hard, then is 100% really "success?" Or is it merely "what a relief-- I didn't fail and miss anything"? My DD has struggled with the latter because school is still not quite as challenging as she actually NEEDS it to be in most classes. AP Physics has been a blessing there-- 100% isn't really possible for her other than if she gets kind of lucky, and therefore, her effort is actually proportional to her results. This is a rarity, and I can't say that she's always enjoyed it (in part because she is somehow convinced that WE expect 100% from her given all the years when that has been not only a possibility, but frankly, not even all that much of a stretch)... but we can see that it is turning her away from a fixed mindset and toward a growth one-- which is a GRAND thing. smile

    It doesn't sound as though this is a particular problem area for your DD; she does, if I'm reading you correctly, have to work pretty hard for her 100% grades. I'm just not convinced that having 100% be attainable is always a good thing either way. Does she believe that she MUST earn 100%? Please don't misread me there-- no WAY am I suggesting that you have communicated that expectation to her. My DD believes this as well, and she certainly hasn't learned it from US. Or does she think that she has to be #1? Maybe that is causing some of her anxiety as the challenge level increases from middle to high school?

    Perfectionism and anxiety are tricky, tricky things to wrestle with. I don't want to give the impression that we don't encourage excellence in our DD. We do.

    But we've learned to be VERY careful how we do that encouraging.

    Obviously, parenting teens isn't for the faint of heart, is it?? I really hope that something I've mentioned is helpful. Teenaged girls are very complicated creatures. smile
    _________________________
    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

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    #147108 - 01/25/13 02:30 PM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: HowlerKarma]
    JonLaw Offline
    Member

    Registered: 07/29/11
    Posts: 2007
    Loc: The Sub-Tropics
    Originally Posted By: HowlerKarma
    your DD is the "curve-breaker" for her peers (this cannot possibly make a person a lot of friends unless they are willing to help others cheat)

    she is learning that 100% is not only reasonably attainable, but also that it is EXPECTED-- for her, anyway

    she is learning that there is nobody else as capable as she is within her peer group.


    Yes, high school as bloodsport!

    This was my high school experience. I suppose, in hindsight, it's not the best idea to get a rush of joy when you have just destroyed your competition academically. I suppose that doesn't really teach pro-social behavior.

    It's not just 1st generation immigrants.

    My "arrived in the early 1700s" parents basically expected this of me given that I was significantly more intelligent than my peers and was fully capable of sandblasting them.

    I was tired and completely burnt out by the time I got to college, so eventually I just stopped doing anything at all.

    However, college was free.

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    #147120 - 01/25/13 05:48 PM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: HowlerKarma]
    momsalwaysamom Offline
    Junior Member

    Registered: 01/23/13
    Posts: 14
    Loc: California
    Originally Posted By: HowlerKarma
    Hmmm-- I have to wonder if, in light of your DD's ability to gravitate to older youth, the decision to keep her academically with age-mates is entirely positive.

    It seems that this is causing a handful of related problems--

    your DD is the "curve-breaker" for her peers (this cannot possibly make a person a lot of friends unless they are willing to help others cheat)

    she is learning that 100% is not only reasonably attainable, but also that it is EXPECTED-- for her, anyway

    she is learning that there is nobody else as capable as she is within her peer group.


    In some ways, my DD doesn't have those problems because she thinks of her ACADEMIC peer group as the hard-working, honor society, AP/IB kids who are three years older than her. In other words, she is still in the top 10%, but it's a matter of luck who is "on top" in any particular area or assignment, and they all know it.

    This also frees her (and her peers) to view agemate relationships as SOCIAL rather than academic in nature-- and therefore non-competitive in that academic arena. It also frees academic peers from seeing my DD as a social threat (which is a girl thing, I fear).

    I'm wondering why your family has decided so emphatically against acceleration, momsalwaysamom. I'm sure that you have good reasons for the decision-- I'm just wondering if you've examined the probable down side of always being number 1. (Because I think that it goes without saying that this won't always be the case, particularly if your child attends a prestigious/elite college-- there is ALWAYS someone smarter than you, even if it takes a while to run across such a person...)

    We've had a few friends whose children (and I'm going to be appearing to be stereotyping here, I'm sure... but this is about cultural expectations, not race) were expected to achieve at the 99th percentile-- ALWAYS. My DD has a few friends who have that expectation placed on them by first-generation immigrant parents. They see being a "standout" as NEVER being a negative thing, and that even if the child has to work frantically hard to earn those accolades, that is completely worth it. Parents work hard to provide opportunities, and they expect that their children will work EVERY BIT as hard to take advantage of them, and to give 110% at everything that they do. In one instance, one of the children in the family is HG, and the other is bright/MG; but both children are expected to achieve the way my DD does (without extraordinary effort). My DD feels terribly sad for the MG child in that family, because it's clear even to my 13yo that this is an unrealistically high, crushing expectation that is sucking the joy out of life for that friend, who is overstressed and overscheduled to a tremendous degree. My DD has helped this peer with math tutoring, fwiw, and the student is very bright... just not PG-bright. If a grade is less than 100% in that household, there are consequences. Because "results matter." They are looking to produce high school valedictorians in that household. Period. No WAY would they consider acceleration for the HG child, even though (privately) that seems to me to be a far more appropriate and healthy thing. Because that might jeopardize "number one."

    Anyway. Not suggesting that your reasons for keeping your DD in an age-placement are necessarily about insurance of having a high school valedictorian... but if they ARE...

    please consider that long-term, it can be better for a child to have an academic peer group that CAN compete with her.

    I can also respect that other families see this quite differently than we do. For families which see elite college admissions as the goal, maintaining that level of achievement might well be something that they decide is mandatory. (It's not that important to us; our feeling is that the cost to our DD is simply too high to consider doing it.)

    Making 100% the goal can feed anxiety every bit as much as making success uncertain/out of reach can. I know-- we've been walking this tightrope with my DD13. It seems (from most research on the subject) that making 100% just out of reach is better strategically than conditioning them to feel that this is always what "success" will look like for themselves. After all, if the class is not terribly hard, then is 100% really "success?" Or is it merely "what a relief-- I didn't fail and miss anything"? My DD has struggled with the latter because school is still not quite as challenging as she actually NEEDS it to be in most classes. AP Physics has been a blessing there-- 100% isn't really possible for her other than if she gets kind of lucky, and therefore, her effort is actually proportional to her results. This is a rarity, and I can't say that she's always enjoyed it (in part because she is somehow convinced that WE expect 100% from her given all the years when that has been not only a possibility, but frankly, not even all that much of a stretch)... but we can see that it is turning her away from a fixed mindset and toward a growth one-- which is a GRAND thing. smile

    It doesn't sound as though this is a particular problem area for your DD; she does, if I'm reading you correctly, have to work pretty hard for her 100% grades. I'm just not convinced that having 100% be attainable is always a good thing either way. Does she believe that she MUST earn 100%? Please don't misread me there-- no WAY am I suggesting that you have communicated that expectation to her. My DD believes this as well, and she certainly hasn't learned it from US. Or does she think that she has to be #1? Maybe that is causing some of her anxiety as the challenge level increases from middle to high school?

    Perfectionism and anxiety are tricky, tricky things to wrestle with. I don't want to give the impression that we don't encourage excellence in our DD. We do.

    But we've learned to be VERY careful how we do that encouraging.

    Obviously, parenting teens isn't for the faint of heart, is it?? I really hope that something I've mentioned is helpful. Teenaged girls are very complicated creatures. smile


    I come from a family that had very low expectation on their children and only hope that they would be kind and independent, well sometimes I do wonder what if they did expect more from me....would I be very different ;p

    Well, what I want to point out here is I'm pretty layback in nature and sometimes I appear not ambitious enough. In my parenting, I try to see what my DD actually wants and just go along with it. DD used to be a non-competitive little rascal, school was just part of her life. Having fun was her goal. I of course wanted her to have fun and be a happy kid. Therefore, her first 6 years in elementary school were all about having good grades and fun. Not much of an effort until she's in MS. She only liked to compete with herself or just for the fun of learning until the last day of school....

    It happened just like a thunder struck her hard and she was extremely disturbed after she realised she wasn't recognized by school through all the awards presentation. She didn't get anything except being one of the highest GPA students. She got really unpset because she saw most people who got the awards didn't even do as much as she did. They told my daughter that they didn't like school, they cheated on tests, copied other works, only focus on the HW and tests which would bring a high grade. Instead, DD put all the effort to do her projects, sleepless night for just one project and she did get a first 100% from a teacher with 30 yrs of teaching, got praised highly, project still gets pass along for kids now in that grade to learn from. But all she missed was forgetting to bring a book the end of the term and got a grade deduction or a test that had a big impact on grades. Kids in public school since day one know how to play the game, they study their Aeries report and manipulate the grades accordingly. The system was new to her and to us. I never paid attention to the scores or grades, I seldom went on the website to check her works.

    This rang her bell and she's all up and ready for something that she wanted to take back.
    We helped her to identify what would make her happy and successful and she firmly believes that she can be the one being recognized with true efforts. Again her justice just kicked in hard. She wants to play the game right and be more goal oriented. Someone even told me that it's called being street-smart as a public school kid but she hasn't lost her ownself, just added a little change to her always simple and straight forward mind. She's always her own boss. Sometimes I am the one trying to convince her to slow down and step back a little for being too immersed in school work. She would get mad at me for saying that...so I'm like "ok..ok. I respect your decision..."

    Also, she wants to kill time by doing more in school work and grades that she could forget being left out and worthless. I feel like she's treating her achievements like Morhpine to ease her pain of being unwanted(in her mind). I also think getting a 100% is more like a game than a must for her. Also, she never thinks she's the only one that has this ability. She respects people with the same effort and always compliements their works. She's just not ready to choose them as close friends... I wish she would.

    Grade skipping was once in my mind when we decided to change her from private to public education system. Since GATE was something new to us, we wanted her to try it. Things turned out fine and she's happy and being challenged at a right pace. I don't want to give her more than she can handle. If both academics and friendship were her challenge at the same time, I don't think it would be the best for her anxeity disorder.





    Edited by momsalwaysamom (01/25/13 08:08 PM)

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    #147131 - 01/25/13 09:23 PM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: momsalwaysamom]
    SAHM Offline
    Member

    Registered: 07/07/12
    Posts: 251
    Loc: Mountains, USA
    Just some thoughts based on those I have met in my life, but I have not parented a teen...

    It sounds to me from what little information has been posted that she has a serious self esteem issue. I say this for a number of reasons but the expensive gifts are a huge red flag, particularly when she doesn't spend on herself. Psychiatrists like to say it is a manifestation of a subconscious feeling of being unworthy of the other person.

    The comments from her that others are unworthy due to flaws in them may have less to do with perfectionism and judgmental behavior than self protection. If I reject someone else first, I don't need to worry that they will reject me. I must subconsciously determine a reason to reject them that fits withhow I want to be perceived.

    The adoration from teachers and coaches suggests people pleaser, which is not inconsistent with low self esteem. Her strong desire for awards and recognition support both, particularly when considered along with the observation from teachers that she is humble and from you that she is driven to study.

    It sounds to me right now like the studying is her vehicle now for escapism. Unless addressed, if I am right, this could easily change when she is older to boys or alcohol. Neither is pretty.

    I do not think any of it is your fault. People pleasers by nature do not complain much. To do so would go against her idea of what a daughter "should" do or be.

    My advice. Tell her you love her and compliment her to excess, if she truly seems humble. Recognize that whatever she is telling you about life is not likely 100% accurate, but is shaded by how she wants to be perceived by you (and herself). Ask her why she is so driven and what she hopes will come of it. Ask her if she wants to be homeschooled and what she would study if 100% free to choose. The answers, whatever they are, are likely to show you a better idea of what is going on in her head. (If she is a true people pleaser with low self esteem, you would never know if she is not challenged enough.)

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    #147133 - 01/25/13 09:32 PM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: momsalwaysamom]
    SAHM Offline
    Member

    Registered: 07/07/12
    Posts: 251
    Loc: Mountains, USA
    Those last questions I posed... Really probe for WHY. If her answer for being driven is because she wants to go to an elite college, that really is not deep enough. Why an elite college? You need to probe until she reveals what she truly values... What is a "good" reason to her? She doesn't care about money. You love her uunconditionally. Love of learning often doesn't drive people with perfect scores to seek awards and recognition.

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    #147134 - 01/25/13 09:39 PM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: momsalwaysamom]
    SAHM Offline
    Member

    Registered: 07/07/12
    Posts: 251
    Loc: Mountains, USA
    On a different note, she might enjoy the Davidson Institute THINK summer program. Kids like her, would be a great award or form of recognition,... Looks good on a college application... Easy to sell to a people pleaser.

    Also a fresh start with a new group of kids. If she doesn't like them, it is only a short time.

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    #147136 - 01/25/13 11:23 PM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: SAHM]
    momsalwaysamom Offline
    Junior Member

    Registered: 01/23/13
    Posts: 14
    Loc: California
    Originally Posted By: SAHM
    Just some thoughts based on those I have met in my life, but I have not parented a teen...

    It sounds to me from what little information has been posted that she has a serious self esteem issue. I say this for a number of reasons but the expensive gifts are a huge red flag, particularly when she doesn't spend on herself. Psychiatrists like to say it is a manifestation of a subconscious feeling of being unworthy of the other person.

    The comments from her that others are unworthy due to flaws in them may have less to do with perfectionism and judgmental behavior than self protection. If I reject someone else first, I don't need to worry that they will reject me. I must subconsciously determine a reason to reject them that fits withhow I want to be perceived.

    The adoration from teachers and coaches suggests people pleaser, which is not inconsistent with low self esteem. Her strong desire for awards and recognition support both, particularly when considered along with the observation from teachers that she is humble and from you that she is driven to study.

    It sounds to me right now like the studying is her vehicle now for escapism. Unless addressed, if I am right, this could easily change when she is older to boys or alcohol. Neither is pretty.

    I do not think any of it is your fault. People pleasers by nature do not complain much. To do so would go against her idea of what a daughter "should" do or be.

    My advice. Tell her you love her and compliment her to excess, if she truly seems humble. Recognize that whatever she is telling you about life is not likely 100% accurate, but is shaded by how she wants to be perceived by you (and herself). Ask her why she is so driven and what she hopes will come of it. Ask her if she wants to be homeschooled and what she would study if 100% free to choose. The answers, whatever they are, are likely to show you a better idea of what is going on in her head. (If she is a true people pleaser with low self esteem, you would never know if she is not challenged enough.)


    Thanks for your insight.

    I think I misled you here. I mentioned expensive gifts just to explain she used to care about others a lot. It's just so happened the stuff her friends wanted cost more than they could afford and DD wouldn't just go and buy the friendship, she just wanted to see a smile on their faces. It's her thoughts to care for the friends who have less. Our family always loves to give and she picks up from it. My husband does a lot of charity works too.

    She is adored by teachers but only the teachers admire her integrity, ability and still being humble. She usually won't be liked by the teachers who prefers teachers pets. She got in trouble a lot with those types of teachers because she's too playful in class before. DD dislikes pleasing others for no reasons. We never ask her to please us either and this doesn't exsit in our family.

    Also, even she is humble and down to earth but she will not be shy telling me about her achievements. The funny thing is she would follow with an apology of saying " Am I braging? I'm not trying to be cocky but I just want you to know...." and she knows my husband and I are out of a few that will share her success with joy.

    I hope this clarify my previous posts. But thanks again for your input and I will still look into the info you provide. To learn more is always a good thing. wink

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    #147137 - 01/26/13 12:00 AM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: momsalwaysamom]
    HowlerKarma Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/05/11
    Posts: 5181
    I think that SAHM is right on target.

    (And I am parenting a teen-- one with a lot of similar/related issues, which all tie into self-esteem, perfectionism, and anxiety. No way to separate them.)

    My predictions, based on what I've learned in dealing with my own perfectionist:

    a) what would she study? No real answer, or not one that makes ANY sense, or doesn't shift like the tides. Because she has no desires/identity separate from the perceived approval/affirmation she gets from meeting the demands of OTHERS. If you probe, you may discover that she does NOTHING that doesn't have a 'payoff' in terms of self-esteem. My DD's thing is doing things that make OTHER people happy-- her friends, mostly, but also her perceptions of what everyone in her life "wants" from her.

    b) Why? Because... she... just... wants to. I'm guessing that she won't HAVE a good answer for this one-- not one that she'll tell you out loud, anyway. So ask "how does it make you feel when _______?" questions. THOSE will be eye opening if you catch her in a self-reflective mood. (I know that I was pretty shocked to learn that NONE of her awards or achievements mean anything at all to her; to her, it was all "Meh." We posit that the reason is that an A/A+ is just "adequate" in most of her classes because they just aren't THAT hard-- for her, I mean. She values what she WORKS for, but at the same time, she's learned that NEEDING to work means that something is wrong. Not a good combination.)


    Also ask her what makes her HAPPY. No-- really HAPPY. Not because of what she GETS by doing it-- an activity which IS its own intrinsic reward. Something she would do purely for the joy of being engaged in the activity. I was horrified when my DD basically couldn't name anything that she did just for herself.

    I mention my own DD's responses to some of those things because I know that those things are perfectionism run amok in her case-- just without the outwardly-directed component that your own DD seems to have. But the socially-prescribed component is the "people-pleaser" type, and the workaholic, high-achieving version is self-oriented.


    _________________________
    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

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    #147139 - 01/26/13 12:48 AM Re: Do you friendship problems in you gifted teens? [Re: momsalwaysamom]
    HowlerKarma Offline
    Member

    Registered: 02/05/11
    Posts: 5181
    Okay-- crossed posts with you again. smile

    Quote:

    She is adored by teachers but only the teachers admire her integrity, ability and still being humble. She usually won't be liked by the teachers who prefers teachers pets. She got in trouble a lot with those types of teachers because she's too playful in class before. DD dislikes pleasing others for no reasons.


    WOW. Okay-- maybe I'm misunderstanding something here, but...

    she is "adored" by some teachers-- those who... admire her innate greatness and tremendous positive qualities, yes? And don't object to her verbal "wittiness" presumably?

    What, precisely, constitutes teachers who have "teacher's pets?" Is this just teachers that your DD feels don't respond "properly" to her? Or is it when a teacher picks a DIFFERENT "pet" than your DD? Because it sounds to me like she NEEDS to be teacher's pet and mostly always has-- and that this is even a possible driving force in a lot of her behavior. (Is it a driving force in YOURS?)


    Is "playful" here a bit of a euphemism for "mouthy?" That is a common characteristic of some gifted kids, and some teachers tolerate it better than others... but it sounds to me like your DD resents being told "not here/now, please." Frankly, at 14, the expectation IS that she can turn it off when it's inappropriate, and the kids who can't are probably not going to be well liked by some teachers, because those teachers see them as discipline problems. If this is more than a couple of teachers in a high school career, then the problem probably isn't the teachers.


    I don't think that I'd assume that your DD's reports here are 100% accurate. Because it seems to me that she's basically singing the same tune-- she's blameless, and when people don't treat her well, it's because they are bad and it has nothing to do with any error of hers.

    I'm not buying it. I don't buy that even in my own DD, fwiw. wink I realize that the instinct is to NEVER find fault with our own kids-- but it might be time to do a gut check here and ask yourself if it's possible that you have been helping her to make excuses.

    Pleasing others for no particular reason, whether the other person "deserves" it or has anything that we want in return at the moment; well, this is kind of how friendships work.
    In light of that, perhaps some of her potential friends have distanced themselves from her because they feel that she's keeping score and trying to purchase their loyalty using the currency of favors, gifts, etc.? Is it possible that they feel manipulated? Or is it possible that your DD has devalued those friends (or characterized their behavior as "betrayal" to you) because they haven't done as she wished after she invested in them? I find it VERY strange that she consistently approaches kids who are less intellectually able than she is. Again, red flag. It's either that she's intimidated (or threatened?) by her intellectual peers, or that she's looking for people that she DOES feel entitled to relationships with-- on HER terms. Or-- and again, back to my very first post here-- she is looking for kids that are likely to be more easily manipulated.



    There's something about this that doesn't add up completely. Sorry if that seems harsh; but I think that it's possible that you're being manipulated or just that your DD isn't being entirely forthcoming with you about HER role in her interpersonal difficulties, and that you are choosing to let her off with handy excuses. You're hearing her side and assuming that it is entirely accurate. That's not always a good thing even with a scrupulously honest teen; their perception filters are just quirky.

    A single interpersonal problem might not be the person's fault, but a string of them... tends to be pointing at something being off. I don't think for a second that this is merely her anxiety disorder. Have you tried asking one of the teachers who "dislike" your DD why they haven't warmed up to her? Ever asked one of these "former" friends or their parents what the problem was between the kids?

    I would do that.
    _________________________
    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

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