True, what aquinas notes-- "hates" can indicate all manner of poor fit issues with kids. It could be that she is genuinely feeling bullied; withdrawal is a definite indicator, particularly if it's recent. I wonder also what "hurt" means in this context-- both subjectively and objectively. Is it a lack of affirmation of her beliefs/wishes? Or is it deliberately hurtful or nasty behavior from peers? There is a world of difference between those things, and it's why I wonder about the perspective of other adults who know this young lady in her daily life. ETA: It sounds as though you are doing that-- which is good.
I'd definitely keep asking for inputs from those people, and let them KNOW that your DD is having these problems. See what they can tell you after observing a while.
I seldom characterize my DD's peers as "jealous" of her accomplishments (though when faced with black-and-white evidence, perhaps shocked/intimidated). The few who are envious/jealous tend to be so highly competitive and insecure that they are absolutely toxic and destructive (often aided by parents). That's
not the majority, however. I'd remove my DD from a situation in which that was the norm. Sometimes we've had trouble with other parents of bright-not-gifted/MG kids, because they become so defensive when their special-snowflake construct is threatened by my DD's unassuming but undeniable HG+-ness. It's a parent problem, though; occasionally the parents even come after my DD directly. Obviously I draw the line at that and gently remind other parents that passive aggressively interacting with my DD that way is... unseemly and inappropriate in the extreme. I fully concede that in a highly competitive environment/district, it's
possible for an HG+ child to be victimized by a group of social jackals. "Hatred" might well be an appropriate response to that over time. It depends on whether the feeling of persecution is based on actual actions/statements of others or not.
So why does DD
not have this envy/jealousy problem much with peers? I have a couple of hypotheses. DD compartmentalizes; her school friends have no idea that she also excels in areas X, Y, and Z, and her friends from those other activities have no real reason to know just what an academic superstar she is. With agemates, she's "13" and with academic peers she's "11th grade." She doesn't share every accomplishment. Therefore, she isn't seen as "threatening" socially, but it takes nothing away from her, either-- she just shows the facets of herself which are situationally relevant at the time. Most of the time, wide-open competition is going to make others feel bad/defensive by comparison-- DD is far too good at far too many unrelated domains. Now, that comes with its own problems, since she compares her performance to "100%" rather than to peers... but that is a different kettle of fish.
DD also looks for ways that her friends are highly competent or admirable, and she's complimentary about their interests and abilities. They learn that they can trust her not to lord anything over them, or criticize them when they are feeling insecure. In other words, interpersonally, she finds ways to make others feel that they are her equal/superior in terms of human/social value, even when she COULD make them feel like dirt instead. She is gracious and keenly interested in what others are doing. This is why people like to be around her once they know her well; because she makes others feel GOOD about themselves.
It sounds like teachers and adults like the OP's DD very well, and that maybe it's mostly a peer problem.
My own DD has the same high levels of integrity, honesty, altruism, and morality as the most extreme of her peers, but she isn't
judgmental about it. She won't go along just to get along, but she also doesn't feel any need to "correct" others aside from a few areas (all related to in-progress hate-speech or discrimination). She can agree to disagree about pretty much anything as long as it isn't actively injuring another person. She has seen peers who interpret "please stop badgering me-- I don't think that you're right, and I'm never going to" as a personal attack of some kind, however. That is obviously rigidity and this is where I wonder about the term "hurt" as the OP has used it.
None of my DD's friends has been a cognitive equal-- and the only one who was close actually had a pathological need to believe that his LOG was
far higher than hers (which seems have been a sham intended to cover insecurities, actually). She's probably only known 1-2 other peers who were at her LOG, and unfortunately (for both kids), they had little in common interest-wise. Nevertheless, she has never once felt that another human being was unworthy of her or her time; she just enjoys others for what they DO have to offer rather than discarding them for what they lack.
There are things about being human which transcend intellect.
I can't say that my DD doesn't have friendship problems. She is also searching for a soul-mate best friend, and has yet to find anything like one. But she's not throwing away the friends that she makes because they don't match that ideal, either. ETA: If, as the OP has reason to believe, this set of problems is intrinsically related to a particular relationally aggressive student, then I'd address that with the school. (I'm assuming that this other peer is back in her DD's life again and that is where the problems are coming from-- my apologies if I've misunderstood.)
I'm also wondering what would happen if the OP approached the school at all about finding a more suitable placement for her DD. It sounds at least possible that her placement is not sufficiently challenging-- though that isn't clear either, since she apparently DOES work for her academic successes. Hard to know from just a little snapshot, but I thought that I would throw that idea out there. If she were with OLDER peers, and no longer "the top of the top" maybe she wouldn't be such a target socially? Or does she have a need to always be number one?
{Thanks so much for understanding that I'm merely offering ideas-- not judging in ANY way-- every situation is far more complex than we can explain easily on a forum}
. On my case, my husband's side takes the credit;)
