Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy mean teacher - need advise please

I hope someone can offer advice here. Thanks in advance!

My son came home the last two days with frustration regarding the baseless criticisms given to him after school and snide comments made during class (followed by an �I�m just kidding� while the class snickers). My husband and I have a few of our own recent examples too. This is classic �cutting down the tallest poppies� sort of stuff!

He takes it in amazing stride! He vents to me, and then reflects on how glad he is that the other 5th grade teacher is more professional and how happy he is to go to the sixth grade for math and work with the asst. principle for English.

We experienced this same situation in 3rd grade. His current teacher has an extremely similar personality as his 3rd grade teacher. As my son describes them, �They pretend to be really fun and nice, but deep down, they are really sneaky and mean�. He is not overly critical of people in general; just frustrated when the one in charge uses what power they have in an inappropriate manner. He describes negative character traits in other teachers such as loses temper easily, but assesses that overall they are nice people. He is pretty realistic and accepting of others (flaws and all).

I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE THE ADVICE OF EVERYONE HERE AS TO WHAT TO DO IF ANYTHING REGARDING THE INTENTIONAL BULLYING OF THIS TEACHER. In third grade, we did nothing until one last straw near the end of the year because we believed it would only be worse (for our son) if we discussed our concerns with the teacher. We obviously did not think highly of her.

Just for the record, I�m not a teacher hater. I really do revere the many wonderful teachers I have met. I also know from having worked in a school myself, that teachers, like every segment of society, have various values, prejudices, motivations and competencies.

A conference with teacher,principal and you.
Be honest and frank, give lots of examples.
I was in a similar situation two years ago, also afraid to speak for my son for the fear that I will make matters worse for him. And it was a religious/private school! (we are not there any more)
Ania

Thanks for your response Ania.

Unfortunately, if we leave this school, the only other option in our area is public school, which really isn�t an option at all.

Honestly, I think I am more upset about her behavior than my son is. This isn�t new to him and he seems to brush it off after he vents to me for twenty minutes, which I�m thrilled about because he was so sensitive as a young boy. He�ll never be blind-sided by this treatment if he encounters it at some point in his career.

Next year he will have two terrific teachers (hopefully with some subject acceleration to seventh). One teacher has already accepted him into her math class this year so I know she appreciates enthusiastic and able learners. She has actually made positive comments about his intelligence!

Also, the high school that he hopes to attend is a very selective Catholic school offering advanced classes. Obviously, staying in a Catholic school system won�t hurt his chances for acceptance. If he gets into the school, he will finally be in like company and have the opportunity to learn to his highest potential.

Would your son advocate for himself? I attended a bullying workshop by our local parent advocacy training center. They taught us some great phrases to use in the face of bullies and I think they might be powerful with a teacher, too.

1st...."The rule is don't say unkind things to others." or "The rule is be kind."

2nd...."I don't like being teased like that. Please stop saying those unkind things to me."

I know Mite would loathe saying such things, but Rite has stood up to a couple of snotty teachers.

The other option is to have him write a letter quoting what she said..."I understood you to say, 'insert insult'. I am confused because you have told us to be kind to others, but this comment was unkind to me. I don't like being teased like that. Please stop saying those unkind things to me, even if you war just kidding."

Another option...document document document then send a letter to her and the principal regarding the insults and tell them you expect them to stop even if they are meant in humor.

then, my favorite option....go into her, put your thumbs in your ears and flap your fingers like antlers and shout, NyaNya BooHOO you are a BULLY. Then say, "just kidding" grab your kiddo and run like heck!!

:^)

Hi Deblows -
I can see that you are thinking hard about this one!
A) It's so rotten when you can't speak up for fear of making things worse!
B) Sounds like you have a good overall plan.
C) Excellent observation that venting may be all your son needs be able to go back and handle the situation elegantly.
D) OTOH - you never know the long term price or when it will come to a head.

So - My advice is:
1) Journal like crazy about your past history of being picked on or watching other people get picked on, so that you can keep your observations in "Present Time."
2) See if you can limit his exposure to the teacher from behind the curtains - perhaps by getting another subject for single subject acceleration - what comes before or after math with the bigger kids?
3) Read one of the "I can solve problems" books by Myrna B. Shure, such as Raising a Thinking Preteen: The "I Can Problem Solve" Program for 8- to 12- Year-Olds. I've never been sure how to use these books with our Gifted Ones, but it always helps me to read them.
4) another good book is : Stick Up for Yourself: Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem (Revised & Updated Edition) by Gershen Kaufman
5) document, but if possible, do it when DS can't see you at it.

This is one of those frustrating problems that take a long time to monitor and change, when what you really want is to fix it right now. It MAY be appropriate to look at it from the learning perspective - when a classmate was picking on our son, we told him - now is a great time to learn to handle this difficult person, because he is handlable, and someday you will run into an even more difficult person, and be glad of the practice. I do feel that handling peers is a lot different than being asked to handle a teacher, though.

Hugs and best wishes,
Trinity

It is tricky. I didn't mean to be trite. It is just so unfair. Kids should be protected from this type of discrmination.

Willa Gayle,
You offered really good advice and then made me laugh! Thank you.

I hadn't considered having him write a letter. That's a good idea. My last words to him this morning were do not argue with her and jeopardize your own future plans. I told him to let me handle it. Writing a letter himself is better because it can�t be construed as argumentative.

Trinity,
Thanks you for your thoughtful comments also! I may have misled you about him regarding the fact that he has been picked on quite a bit. He has been, however, he is an extremely self-assured and outgoing kid. He often comes across as if he considers himself more a businessman, instructor, authority figure, ect. than a 1st-5th-grade student. He comes by this honestly, his dad is an ESTJ (go figure). That�s the reason he is often a target. Kids and some teachers feel a need to put him in his place.

He has been advocating for himself since third grade. Although he is verbally proficient and confident at debate, he bites his tongue and censures himself carefully at school. I will pick up your first book suggestion tonight. I actually have it somewhere in the house.

Thanks again for the supportive advice.

Diana

Diana -
Self- advocacy since third grade? Wow ((applause)) That is so excellent. My DS10 is also blessed with a loud, confident speaking style. Add that to an unbelievable vocabluary, and it was pretty rough going for a while. At age 10, in 6th Grade, is sticks out far less than at age 7. What a relief! I've read somewhere that when a child tries to self-advocate before age 11, it often is "taken the wrong way." I think this has a lot to do with people preconceptions about what young children are like.

I'm very curious to see what you can do with the "I can problem solve" books. Please report back all the detail with how you modified them for you DS and how he responded.

Diana,

Wish my son had some of your son's self esteem! Mine's been bullied pretty much from day one also although it started out because he would cry easily. I'm wondering...is this par for the course for gifted boys?

Most of the bullying was from other students because of Alex getting the good grades (well numbers since they didn't do actual percentages or grades until 5th grade) and Alex would get everything correct and still get the same "number" on his test as other children who didn't do as well so they teased him constantly. This he has gotten over. Having actual grades has helped a LOT.

Bullying from the teacher is MUCH harder I think since it's hard to prove (the word of your child over the teacher etc) but it CAN be done. The big thing for us was to try talking to the teacher first. This happened last year when our son was in 5th grade and asked a question of the math teacher who screamed at him to "shut up you dummy". Other children heard this which we stated to the principal.Tried a meeting with the teacher and principal and that did not work. Tried the superintendent. That didn't work either. They would just restate what a wonderful man the teacher was. I had my husband try to observe the class and they changed the schedule around so that we couldn't. without telling us in advance I might add. The excuse was that "an assembly came up and the teacher does not like to have parent's in his room" So we had Alex take a tape recorder to school. Unethical? Probably but it DID the trick. He came home with the teacher screaming at him and other students for simply asking questions and my husband took the tape to the next school board meeting.

Thanks for the book list! I"m going to be looking into that "I can problem solve" book as well!
dealande

When I went to the principle and assistant principle regarding my son's third grade teacher nobody questioned whether or not my complaint was valid. That was quite a relief! If it had been, I would not have sent him back to the school which means I would be homeschooling him instead! Actually, I would have been more of a general contractor for his education as well as, driver. I really think that learning from a teacher is better for him than self study at this point.

Any way, his teacher seems to have eased up recently. We'll see how the year progresses.

I've looked over the book mentioned above. It doesn't capture my attention too much. I have already implemented the suggestions or they don't apply.

Welcome to this forum dealande.