Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy When seeking a therapist

But isn't this what everyone has to learn - regardless of LOG - where do I begin and others end - where is the part of me that cannot be eroded by being nice or sensitive or caring about others. The issue here - as I see it from the other side of my iPad is not the need for a peer - but the need, or neediness which is triggered by the LOG. And this is something that she has all too common with her age mates - 13 -16 year old girls do a lot of stupid stuff to feel a connection, usually with a boy. It's not relevant here but all those sexually active girls are rarely doing it for their own pleasure but for the need to be wanted or liked or in. Back to the LOG, can you get her more peer connections through THINK or other opportunities? Made if she had a fuller circle she would not have been so vulnerable.

It's unfortunately the opposite if the other thread where the two kids are 150 miles apart but connected - but LOG does not eliminate finding the pits in the bowl of cherries. If only it did!

Hugs to you both!

DeHe

Yes, I think that is true, DeHe. It's about the very normal (and even somewhat age-appropriate) need for a "true peer" coupled with a few unique twists that elevate difficulty--

the scarcity of other PG peers in a general sense,

even among PG peers, what she is seeking out in terms of friendship is probably not age-appropriate for most adolescents,
and
she also has a fairly limited/small social circle because of disability challenges (this absolutely precludes summer camps/workshops for the most part).

So while this is a need that we've been TRYING to see met, we've simply never had much luck in this department in spite of our efforts. In other words, widening that circle to eliminate this vulnerability probably elevates risk in the disability-related department to a place which is-- well, inadvisable, let's just say.

There's a reason why fatality stats for people like her peak at "young, teenaged girl." It has everything to do with that need for inclusion-- at ANY price. In other words, if she were allowed to do things that came with unpredictable/variable/volatile risk, she'd probably make bad decisions there, too-- for exactly the same reasons that she did it here. So unfair that our choices seem to be "risk death" or "no chance to meet emotional developmental needs."

This is the other reason why I think we're looking for a real gem of a therapist; this has to be someone that understands that SOME anxiety-- and even fear-- is completely adaptive, and even helpful, as long as DD is listening to her inner voice with the conviction that it won't lie to her. Often, that inner voice is wiser than any other person who COULD advise her.

I also suspect that "group" sessions are likely to alienate her rather than being helpful. The question is whether or not she'd be able to fully relate (or more to the point whether she would be comfortable with others' ability to relate to HER) with a group of same-age or same-grade peers. She simply doesn't care about the things that she sees her peers (either group) posting about on Facebook or talking about with one another. She cares about other things-- she loves politics, current events, social justice, scientific discoveries, geek culture, etc.

It feels like she's looking for a needle in a field of haystacks to find that ONE person who is interested in who she actually is... wants and is developmentally ready for a close/intimate friendship... AND can manage to accept/accommodate the disability without flinching. She's been a best friend to a number of people over the years. But she's never HAD a best friend.

So I know exactly how someone like this could get to her. But there seems to be dishearteningly little to prevent such a thing from happening again and again, because we can't seem to do much to mitigate the vulnerability that's behind it.

Wow, HK, it's just so sad. I really wish there were more options for your DD. maybe this is one way the asynchronous development can help and maybe she can get to the kind of revelatory thinking she needs in a shorter period time. I do hope you find that Gem of a therapist. I don't know where I fall on your spectrum of attitudes about therapy - but having used one to get over a traumatic event - I found it didn't fundamentally change me but gave me the tools to stop the self destructive manner in which I approached thinking about the event, specifically I learned to cut off my endless replay of what went wrong. I learned to not do what was destructive to me. It was very helpful

DeHe

And naturally, any camp that could possibly accommodate for the medical disability doesn't see PG kids too often, so finding the peer group is really tough.

I feel for her.

DeeDee

I feel for her, too-- though we definitely don't let her SEE that very often. Self-pity doesn't really solve anything, unfortunately. The one bit of very good news is that she tends toward introversion naturally, so she doesn't find not having a lot of close friends to be that awful most of the time, and would probably choose this over "too much" social contact.

I do think that her innate disposition (probably not the right term) may allow her to recover her intact self very well-- but recovering that inner core is my top priority because I've literally NEVER known another person like her. She is an amazing treasure. Oh, sure, she's very bright and interesting to talk to-- but that isn't what is so remarkable about her.

She's just got this-- self-contained, self-possessed THING about her. She's very passive but immovable, if that makes sense. It's this core inside her that nothing really "touches" without her explicit, conscious permission. She is just about the only person I've ever known who seemingly CANNOT remain angry at another person on her own behalf. That negative stuff just passes through her without sticking; she expects little from others, and doesn't take it personally when they are all too human. She's not the Dalai Lama or anything (well, I don't think so, anyway)-- she can be mouthy and snotty... but she's pretty much never petty or mean-spirited, and I don't think she has held a grudge over ANYTHING (and believe me, she's seen plenty that would lead me to have some grudges). She can take pretty in-your-face discrimination and just shrug about it-- it doesn't "own" her long term, or eat at her. I can't really describe it in terms that make any sense, but it's unmistakable and almost eerily super-human. It's definitely part of what I consider her "gifts" socially-- it's a kind of awareness of others' inner landscape and capabilities-- she never asks for more than another person can deliver, or resents their shortcomings. She just accepts and mostly forgives. As a parent, I can't begin to describe how humbling it is to sheepishly apologize for losing your temper at your 6yo and have solemn, knowing eyes reassuring you that it's already been forgiven because you were just being human.

Really, letting this other kid get inside that firewall of hers and misjudging him so completely? A complete aberration, and to her-- a full system failure. To her, "how did this happen" is a pretty important question in light of that.

I think we're hoping for just that, DeHe. If she can get someone to help her see that she shouldn't feel ashamed and should accept that she made mistakes, this is what they were, now that we know that, moving along...


We just don't want to see her repeat the mistake, because she draws unstable/wounded/hurting people to her like moths to a flame (I suspect, and so do others who know her, that it's this very inner serenity that is so appealing), so it won't be the last time that she runs into one of this kind.

I'm finally seeing signs that she's recovering inside, so that is one huge relief to me. I was so afraid that this had damaged that core in her-- and that really would have been a horrible thing. Like defacing a natural wonder or something.

Well, because she's human.

And because he is very, very good at it.

Apparently, he has a THING, too, only he apparently likes to use it to emotionally twist people for his own amusement.

Random therapy suggestion... listening to Gotye's "Somebody that I used to know" a lot.

Another less random thought... a point of view that I found that kept me in a balanced place... The mind is more complex than just intelligence... as in there is philosophy, worldview, interests, ethics, morality, emotions, etc. then a principle based approach to dealing with people is that an area of self is only available to people who are compatible in that area. Quick summary is that if someone isn't ethically and morally compatible, you can still engage them intellectually but just not emotionally. Not something I've articulated before, but it might be a perspective she can work form without spoiling her essence.

HK...

I have been meaning to post on here for a few days, and am just finding the time to sit and do it. I'm so sorry that your dd has been dealing with this creep...and that it's hurting her so much. I can generally stomach when my kids get hurt physically (and have many gruesome stories to attest to that)...but watching them deal with emotional pain in the realm of rejection and acceptance - torture! That pain is soul pain.

Anyway, as someone who does therapy with tweens/teens/college age, here's my 2 cents worth of advice in choosing a therapist for your dd: An adolescent therapist must choose wisely what walls they knock upon, prod, peek around, and pursue - and what walls they best leave be lest everything collapse. There is an art to this, and I feel this is the key factor for teens. They have defences up for a reason and sometimes desperately need to keep them up. Find a therapist who can talk to you about how they work with teens and how they deal with resistence. Find out how they include or disclude a parent from participating. My challenge is to walk a thin line between helping a parent feel equipped and plugged into their teen while giving the teen a private area to vent. It's a tricky line.

Sometimes, a parent and I decide a teen is just not ready for therapy - or that therapy might be harmful in some way. If the parent(s) wants, we work together to help a parent become the therapeutic go-between and to fine-tune ways a parent can increase their communication/positive relationship while still setting needed boundaries.

GL.