Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS is a buttinsky....

Arg. Lately, DS has started butting in when I am working with DD on her homework. I will ask her a question that I want her to think about and DS butts in with the answer. He has even said things like--"Well, it's not hard...I know it and I'm only in first grade. Why doesn't DD know it?" I think he is trying to be helpful but there is some sibling competitive stuff going on there, too.

Of course I have told him that it's rude and unacceptable to butt in. That it is her work and not his and he should be doing his own homework, etc. The larger problem is that I see him catching up to her in many areas, including areas that are her passions, like art. She is 3 1/2 years older.

How do I tone DS down without sending him the message that he should keep his talents to himself? How do make sure that DD feels free to pursue her passions and talents even if he begins to outshine her? Also, I'm not quite sure how to answer his question, "Why doesn't DD know x when I already know it?" which I think is an honest question on his part. He is trying to figure out where he fits and he is seeing that he doesn't quite fit into the regular scheme of things. He has also asked similar questions about his best friend, B, who is two weeks older than DS. B is still in preschool, however.

Have any of you been through this with your kids?

We have had similar issues with DS5 at school. He likes to butt in then they are having their lessons with the teacher. He tells them their work is too easy. He is always blurting out the answers even when he isn't being asked for help.

I am curious to hear others advice as we haven't really found anything that is working yet. We have tried talking and explaining things to him.

I don't have any good advice on the sibling issues but I do have two younger children and I'm sure this will come up sooner or later.

Can you give DS his own stuff to do--hard stuff!--to keep him busy while you're helping DD? Or even give him a copy of her assignment and have him work on it alone (and quietly!) while you help DD?

I think it might also be time for a talk with DS about respect for others and being kind. It's a good idea, I think, to teach these HG+ kids that "Why doesn't DD know x when I already know it?" is honest, but not necessarily something that a big sister wants to hear.

...Just like the correct answer to "Does my butt look fat in this?" is ALWAYS "No!" (Or at least "That other one is more flattering to your lovely figure, dear.")

LOL, Kriston! Yes. I will have a talk with him. I am just in the process of figuring out how to say what I need to say. I am hoping others who have had this experience can give me some pointers.

I don't think giving him a copy of her work would be a good idea. I think that would make him more competitive... I think you may be onto something, though. His own homework is not as interesting to him as hers. It is stuff he needs to do, though--like practicing writing. Maybe I could have him do something else while I work with DD.

5yo is a big time for competitiveness. Some of that is just normal, I think. But talking about feelings might help him to get it. Especially if you challenge him intellectually as you also talk feelings.

And I wasn't entirely kidding about the "Does my butt look fat?" kinds of questions. Using that sort of example of an opportunity for honesty vs. kindness can help to drive home the problem to a kid who doesn't see what's wrong with his behavior.

Can DD talk to him about how it makes her feel? That, too, might help. (Or it might be seen by DS as an opportunity to torment her, so use your judgement there...)

Gotta love those teachable moments!

Dottie,

It sounds like your DS didn't just work through that stuff on his own, your DDs helped him see the error of his ways

Maybe I should encourage DD to speak up if she doesn't like what DS is doing. She is very sensitive but she keeps things to herself. I often can tell she is upset but it can take several days for her to reach the point where she feels comfortable telling me what's bothering her. I think she needs a lot of time to process all those feelings and to collect herself so that she won't lose it just over talking about it. I think she is frightened by her own outbursts of "rampant emotionalism."

Kriston,

I'll keep my eyes peeled for teachable moments.

Crosspost!

I think I might encourage her to--and I can't believe I'm about to type this!--express that rampant emotionalism, immediately and without processing.

Especially if she's usually pretty emotionally contained, seeing her upset might really drive home the point to DS.

(Or not, as I said before...)

LOL! Unfortunately, it's DS who loves to use the eyeroll (on me.) Methinks he is in need of a little attitude adjustment these days...

When it starts at age 5, don't you just want to tear your hair out to think about what it will be like at adolescence?

I try not to think about it, Kriston. I would go insane! I'm just taking it one day at a time...

You are a wise woman, Cathy! It creeps up on me regularly, and I groan, "Stop thinking ahead, silly self!"

(Of course, it doesn't help that Dottie is always popping up to burst my GT denial bubble and remind me that college is just around the corner...)

:p

May they remain not very difficult for you. Heck, for all of us!!!

Cathy,

We have closer age gap (DS11 has felt threatened by DS9 in math ability for years). First, try doing homework separately. DH is a big believer in getting kids their own workspace in their rooms for homework (it's so much easier to use kitchen or dining room table, but make sure you've granted younger sibling computer time or TV so they're not together when you're working with the older one). I would Not copy the older one's homework for the younger one. If you want to challenge the younger one, get a workbook but make sure it looks different.

I have explained to DS11 that he has amazing talents that DS9 is not as good at and vice versa. I also told him that I thought the only thing holding him back in his math was himself, his mindset, his fears. He has definitely put forth greater effort and is doing well. BUT, he is not as naturally able as his younger brother when it comes to math. I think separation and time have just led to an acceptance of this and we move on. In other words, there's not necessarily a cure, just coping technique, then even well-wishing. I think even DS13 knows DS9 is more able, and he never worried about it (he thought it was cool).

I also agree with Kriston that the younger one learns to be sensitive to the older sibling--but this takes time and probably some battles & tears.

Good luck!

Thanks, cym! I guess every kid has to come to the realization that they are not #1 at everything. For some it just comes sooner than others...

A side note re attitude adjustments: the other day I told DS to apologize to DD for accidently pinching her finger with a stool (I don't know *how* that happened, I wasn't in the room.) Anyway, DS said (in a voice like Jar-Jar), "Meesa say SO sorry!" DD burst out laughing. The pinch was forgotten. So what do you think? Is this too smart-alecky or is this a clever use of humor to relieve an awkward situation?

My dad says humor is a "cure-all" (from cancer to hurt feelings/fingers). I have come to appreciate humor more as I get older. I definitely took myself too seriously in my 20's.

DD laughed, so it was a good use of humor, I think. If she hadn't, it could very well have been smart-alecky.

That's the thing about humor: it's all about the audience! Trial and error is the only way to figure it out.