Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parenting - Difficult Ex's

"Mom seems to live vicariously through our daughter's accomplishments. She is pushing Sarah's academics a bit too much by constantly "testing" Sarah. I am concerned that she is not giving Sarah a well-rounded life. She needs a balance between academic and social time in her life."

This is what my ex wrote on his declaration to the court in response to my dd grade skip. We are going to court next week because he is seeking changes to visitation/custody orders.

I just have no words to describe how I felt when I read his comments.

Oh, no! What a low blow!

So sorry, bianca! {{{Hugs}}}

Bianca-

Do you think he genuinely feels this way, or is he lashing out at you and using dd as a pawn? I ask because it may make a difference in how you respond to him.

So sorry you have to go through this!

Lorel

No, I don't think he feels this way.

My dd has an active social life. She has lots of friends and is genuinely happy. She has no behavioral problems and makes friends easily. There is really no basis for him to make the comment on her social life.

As for constantly testing. My dd got tested (IQ) for entrance to the gifted school when she was 5 1/2 and then again for the Davidson Program (IQ and achievement - Previous IQ was too old and they needed a more updated one) when she was 7 1/2. She has taken the SCAT to qualify for summer programs thru CTY once. These are all the tests she has taken in 8 years. He school doesn't even do end of year testing (is a private school).

He really is unhappy about the grade skip and made it clear to the school that he did not agree. Fortunately I can legally approve it.

Bianca,

I would be so angry. I would probably have the school write a letter that they suggested the grade skip because and it was by no means initiated by you. You just did what the school and you believe was in the best interest of your child. I would also get a letter from your family consultant.

Good luck

Thank you guys,

Legally I am not concerned. I am just emotionally drained from all this drama. Co-parenting should not be this hard...

Hi Bianca,

Just got here and read your post. I'm also sorry you have to deal with this, it stinks! Concerning multiple testing, to my DD's; testing is a sport! They love it as much as some kids love to play basketball games. Perhaps you can put things in perspective to XDH( and this time the D doesn't stand for dear or darling, use your imagination!).

......have a virtual glass of wine with me!

Neato

Thanks Neato

I will have that virtual glass of wine with you before I have to go pick my dd from my XDH....

Cheers! <clink>

So sorry. I would agree with LMom that something from your DD's school and something re: the opportunities afforded DD by YSP and research as to what kids like her need will help defuse your XH's statement in the eyes of the court. Fact is, from what you've told us, they agreed with you once before - and your DD proved them right. It's the type of thing that can be explained very nicely. Also, it appears to me that the thinking as to what to do for extremely bright children has changed since you and your XH were kids.

oh I'm so sorry you have this additional stress.

big hugs.

BTDT. Divorced and dealt with a PITA ex-husband. It gets better as time passes. Every time my ex would say or do something stupid like that I would thank him for reminding me why I divorced him in the first place.

Glad you are confident that you will prevail in the visitation issue. I'm sure you will. Hang in there. Don't let him pull you down - it only gives him satisfaction.

Cheers. Hope the wine is a good year!

That's funny Debbie. What does PITA stand for? I'm picturing a EX gyro sandwich!

The wine.........only the best for my i-friends. Have a glass!

<clink>

I KWYM, dajohnson, I just wish he didn't remind me that often.

Anyway, thank you all of you for the hugs, laughs, support and e-wine. I feel much better already.

My dd and I are going to the beach to rellerblade (need to work on those social issues! LOL)

Hope you all have a great Sunday.

Bianca

Is this just another ploy for him not to help pay? You have had this battle before and the court agreed with you about her needs, emotional state and so on. Breathe deep, drink that wine and take the high road.

It is easier when you know you're in the right, isn't it? Just keep reminding yourself as much!



K-

I tell my kids that above-level testing (SCAT, EXPLORE, SAT/ACT) is an "opportunity" for them to challenge themselves, not a forced requirement. You're the good guy, seeking & providing opportunities. I also see it as an interesting way to spend one Saturday morning, when they otherwise would have been watching cartoons, or doing nothing (fighting with their broters). Not a big deal, not much investment of time, money, etc. My H has come around, but originally didn't see why they'd want to do it. Same for the summer institutes--he thought, wouldn't kids prefer normal camp where they swim, play, campfire? We've done that, too, and it's fine, but the problem with it is that my kids are placed with agemates who can be annoying to them (not the same interests, not much in common). The real connection with peers is at the institutes, and my kids are hungry for that interaction with professors and peers & level of learning. You're just looking out for best interests of your daughter, trying to help meet her needs. The only way I have been able to convince H of this is by his witnessing the results. At first I just requested he let DS try it and I'd never ask it again. Now he doesn't have objections.

You may never convince your ex of this mentality, but don't get discouraged about seeking appropriate opportunities for your daughter. Maybe your daughter will be able to speak up for herself with him as she gets older.

Patience and perseverence--I wish you both.

So we had our court hearing today. Everything went great. My XH has been asked by the court to start helping with the driving to/from school for my DD.

The judge specifically asked him about the paragraph mentioned above and found my DD is not "being pushed" too much. Can you believe my XH thought the Davidson Young Scholar was an on-line school? I think he is a little confused with CTY.

The judge said he could see I was a very smart women and warned him that Harvard might be calling on my dd at a very early age. I think he (the judge) is a little bit in awe at my dd's acomplishments. He questioned me about my dd being in the .1% and seemed really impressed. He tried to convey those feelings to my XH but was not sucessful.

Anyway, Custody didn't change except for he now has to pick up my dd from school on days he has visitation instead of me picking her up and driving her to his home. I still hold final decision making on any academic or legal issues. All in all everything went well. I think the judge trusts me more when it comes to making academic decisions for my dd as my XH looks clueless when that is concerned.

Good. It sounds like a judge who gets it. Excellent! Yay, you!

Wonderful! What a nice understanding judge.

I bet Ex doesn't like the driving part. Too bad

Yippee!
I'm glad the judge is so understanding, and that he tried to help XH understand. It's hard to tell from a person's outsides that changes are going on on the inside, so I'll say a prayer that this made more of an impression on XH than he let on.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Congratulations Bianc. I'm glad your message got through and it sounds like a great result!

YEAH!!!!! I'm glad it went well and I hope XH comes around eventually.

That's wonderful news. I know how stressful it is to have anything to do with the courts. What a relief for you. Hopefully an eyeopener for XH, too.

Congratulations! I can�t imagine having to advocate with educators plus an X and a judge! Well done.

The Judge is on my side and she is in a great fit academically. That only leaves me stubborn X.

I told him (my X) yesterday how sad it was that other parents of HG children had to fight with the schools and in my case I had to fight HIM to make sure OUR dd's needs were met. I think he looked a bit embarrassed.

Last night he sent me an e-mail asking me for more information on the Davidson Institute and told me he wants to be more involved in dd's academics. Maybe the hearing really helped!

Really? And the whole "free" thing didn't change that for them? How about the "giving money to people who need it" part of it?

<shaking head>

I guess it could be a conspiracy on the part of psychologists to get us all to test our kids. A sort of money-making venture for them... LOL!

Anyway, sorry, Dottie!

Wonderful news! I'm so glad you have the support of the legal system behind you and maybe glimmers that your X may be starting to get it Maybe picking her up from the school and hearing her chatter on the way home will help him to see that she has the social skills and a great educational fit.

((tear in corner of eye))
I sure hope so. Remember that it's a process, and it took all (ok maybe just most) of us years to shed the gifted denial.

Hooray! That's so great. It just takes some of us a little longer to get on board! I'm sure there are people who think I must chain my girls to a chair and beat them over the head with textbooks all day!

You mean you don't? Huh. I guess I should stop doing that...

Kidding!!!! :p

heee heee heee

I just came on this blog. The judge made the right decision. Looks like your ex's attempt to win did not work. Only thought I have is where is the trauma with testing? Most gifted kids love the challenge. Glad to hear your ex is coming around.. at least he has the concept that if you can't beat em.. join em. good luck.