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    Joined: Dec 2009
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    My DD6 who was my rebellious, intense, out of the box thinker, is suddenly a model student in first grade. She is attentive, gets work done quickly with no careless mistakes, helps others, is developing and refining social skills, is very popular, and has been called mature repeatedly by her teacher. This sounds very much like a success story (esp since we were looking at a possible ADHD diagnosis two years ago), but a part of me feels uneasy.

    Her teacher clearly sees she is way ahead and called me in for a meeting to discuss my DD6's academics and made promises to have her working ahead, but nothing much comes to fruition. The teacher is overwhelmed with a difficult class that seems to be moving at a slow academic pace, even slower than the others, and I am sure she likes having someone mature who can help others and set a good example.

    My DD6 helps her third grade reading buddy just like she helped her fourth grade reading buddy when she was in K. She helps other kids in her class in so many ways and even holds morning meeting. These are all good things, but she never gets material at the right level. Her so called enrichment words were way too easy as were her math enrichment packets. There is no official gifted programming until second grade and even then, it isn't even called gifted and may serve kids at the 90th percentile and up. The school is strongly against a grade skip for anyone any time and I am not sure I would even want one.

    I hate to be a thorn in their side, but her model student behavior sets her up to be a teacher's helper and not to learn more while at school.

    It is early in the year so this honeymoon may wear off after months of easy work. She reads entire books (long chapter books)each day at school and writes page after page of her own stories, but doesn't get any approprite instruction in either area. She is strong in math too, but is more drawn to language and science. The math curriculum is also not a match. Maybe I am looking for a problem when one doesn't exist. She isn't much of a squeaky wheel right now, but I think it is because she LOVES being a teacher. She gave a presentation the first week of school and the teacher was impressed by her ability to get the students to pay attention to her.

    Has anyone else had a gifted girl go through this stage where she switches from being challenging to a mini teacher and if so, what was the outcome? I am almost embarassed by finding a problem when things look so good on the surface, but I worry that she is primarily interested in how she is perceived and this may morph into hiding her talents down the line.

    thanks for letting me ramble. I may come back and edit this when I have more time.

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    I don't think her model behavior sets her up for decreased learning opportunities. She just doesn't have any meaningful ones no matter how she acts, from the sound of it. The outcome, unless she changes again, will be that she will continue to be seen as mature and a high achiever. This may actually increase your chances of getting acceleration for her, if you decide to advocate for it.


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    Lucounu, everything you are saying is logical. I think some part of me still believes a magical opportunity is hiding around the corner and we just need the right key: perfect behavior, acting out so that they think she NEEDS something else, a golden egg, who knows...

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    My experience, also living in New Hampshire, is that they are clueless about gifted education statewide, with the possible but not definite exception of the new Polaris charter school. I've heard from people in other districts and it seems to be similar everywhere: no state or local mandate for gifted services, no money for gifted programs (either programs have been cut or never existed), aversion to acceleration, an extremely egalitarian mindset, Everyday Math, and less than stellar performance.

    But one thing we do have in this state: the right to smoke on any town playground. Thanks, New Hampshire.

    I think you've got to get moving sooner or later on figuring out what to do for your daughter; you can't just put faith in the school system year after year. Afterschool her, partially homeschool, advocate for enrichment, whatever-- something has got to be better than nothing. Otherwise your daughter may wind up being comfortable with "excelling" at the level set by the school. Don't let the school limit her; that's the source of your concern, and it's totally valid.


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    Your daughter sounds very much like I was in her age! I was the model student, always done with my work fast, then helping my classmates and my teacher ... and I actually enjoyed it! I wouldn't see it as a bad thing. While she may not be learning "more", she is learning a lot of other things that she couldn't otherwise ... like be able to explain things to those who are slower, be patient with them (will come in increasingly handy!), develop a great relationship with her teacher, and many more.

    Because of the way I acted (always had my work done, mature, straight As, no behavior problems) I never had problems advocating for MYSELF at school as years went by and my parents never had to get involved. In 4th grade, I MYSELF applied to go to a gifted Science and Match school (5th-8th), went to take the tests (again, myself ... THANKS public transportation! :)) ... and my parents had no idea about any of this till it was time to sign the paperwork after I was accepted into the program.

    So, my plans with my boys are simple ... follow their lead. If they are happy at the level they'll be at, I won't be pushing for much more than that. If I see they are bored, misbehaving, and clearly miserable, then I'll worry.

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    I'll counter; this sounds like me too, and I wish my parents had been more proactive. Being unchallenged but happy at the time is possibly better than being unchallenged but unhappy at the time, but the two are equivalent in the deleterious long term problems they cause. [ETA: I probably would have been good at self-advocating, too, if there had been anything to self-advocate for; there wasn't. I was often bored, but I didn't complain because, well, because that wouldn't have been well-behaved, I suppose. Besides, there were interesting things from time to time - interesting facts for example - there just weren't any hard things, and I didn't know that was a problem until much later. I think it's OK to assume that if the child isn't complaining there isn't a problem while they're very young and playing is what they should be doing, but later than that I think that's a huge mistake.]

    Last edited by ColinsMum; 10/23/12 12:39 PM.

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    In a vacuum of appropriate education options, you could certainly do worse. There are a number of benefits to her becoming the teacher's assistant. It develops empathy and understanding for the difficulties of others, which will be an enormous social help for her going forward. It helps her develop leadership skills. And it gives her a way to feel good about her abilities.

    In other words, she's learning. She's just not learning the things a school is actually supposed to be teaching her.

    Last edited by Dude; 10/23/12 12:44 PM.
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    thanks everyone. She is very concerned with hurting her teacher's feelings by telling her she already knows things. She admits to adjusting her vocabulary when talking to classmates. Just now she is putting together something for a (we hope!!)gifted boy in her class because he wants to learn something she knows how to do and he doesn't and I commented that he is very competitive and she said, "That's fine. I'm not. I like teaching people things." Maybe she has already found her calling :-)

    I know she is learning things. I just worry she will become happy with operating far below ability. I guess there are worse things in life, but I see such a bright light and I hope she doesn't ever hide it or lose it.

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    Originally Posted by ColinsMum
    I'll counter; this sounds like me too, and I wish my parents had been more proactive. Being unchallenged but happy at the time is possibly better than being unchallenged but unhappy at the time, but the two are equivalent in the deleterious long term problems they cause. [ETA: I probably would have been good at self-advocating, too, if there had been anything to self-advocate for; there wasn't. I was often bored, but I didn't complain because, well, because that wouldn't have been well-behaved, I suppose. Besides, there were interesting things from time to time - interesting facts for example - there just weren't any hard things, and I didn't know that was a problem until much later. I think it's OK to assume that if the child isn't complaining there isn't a problem while they're very young and playing is what they should be doing, but later than that I think that's a huge mistake.]
    ITA with the above.
    I just read the book The Curse of the Good Girl. I think applicable here. Girls (esp. polite, teacher pleaser, perfectionist girls) are at great risk of being oversocialized to their detriment, IMO. I don't really know the answer. My dd11 is starting to have some strong opinions (usually politely expresses, but passionate and loud!) that my dh (I think it is a family of origin and cultural thing with him-German) doesn't think are appropriate in a child. I disagree and want her to be comfortable speaking up respectfully and having her voice heard. I don't know what the answer is for the OP, but I think it is a good question to consider.

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    I think bright girls quickly learn that they are rewarded more for social success than for academic success. Society treats girls differently and places great value on their ability to nurture. If your daughter is doing this - and it's a sudden switch - it could be that she's figured out that this is the key to her social success. Just a thought...

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