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    Joined: May 2012
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    Geofizz...thanks for the encouragement. Er are definitely going to have to "learn " to take tests.

    We started Xtramath (it's a whole class thing to to at home). I saw something I had not previously realized: he is nearly crippled with anxiety on a timed test. I watched my seriously-mathy kid panic over 2+3. The panic was two-fold: he had to hunt and peck the numbers on the keyboard (the ten key won't register) and then just froze. I suggested he tell me the numbers so I could type them, and this helped somewhat...but he was still nearly in tears that hr let his teacher down. I had to remind him repeatedly that his teacher will be proud of him because he's working on this "homework". I can see right now that any assessments will be unreliable. Poor guy.

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    Momtofour - sounds like our boys are "brothers from another mother"! Yes, my ds was a self-taught reader. He did have a fascination with letters, but of course we didn't have to drill phonics because he read so easily. I can see the benefit of the basic-phonics lessons he's getting- especially for spelling. His "challenge" packets are also ridiculously easy - they seem to be first grade phonics - he will find them tedious. But it will help him - kinda. smile

    My sister is an educator and suggested they assumed I was "that mom" even before the meeting. Do you have suggestions about approaching the teacher again? I get the feeling the school thought my issues were with THEM. Really, my goal is to help my ds not only tolerate school, but find value in it.

    Yes - our hubbies are the same, help us all.

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    Testing anxiety -- work on it. Build tolerance for it. Decoupling the typing from the facts is a great start. That might also explain the AIMSWEB flop. Also, if he's not hitting the reading comprehension (forgive me if I'm projecting based on our experiences), you might also want to work on the math testing from a similar perspective. My DS has not tested well on the internal district testing because the kid has to explain why the answer is right. We've had to teach how to explain that 573 is greater than 462. "Because it's bigger" isn't good enough.

    It's hard to avoid being seen as "that mom" when going to a meeting such as that. What has been most successful for me is to focus on the weaknesses. "Can you call me some time this week? I'm wondering about some things I'm seeing in DS' ability to describe what he's read. I'm wondering if you can help me understand his reading comprehension." I then set forward an agenda to talk about the weaknesses. When it comes to the in-person conversation, I think bring up the issues arising from the strengths. My DS has a history of speech therapy and struggles with expressive speech and articulation. It's worked quite well to describe some of the speech history to the teachers as an attempt to have them understand the whole child. Then when the discussion rolls around to the math ("yeah, turns out the school psych had never seen a score that high before...") then I'm not the pushy parent, just the parent looking at the whole kid, warts and all.

    YMMV

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    Thanks. I tried that approach by saying we are worried that ds has a low frustration tolerance and tends to give up easily when he's challenged (and that was before seeing the test anxiety with xtramath). I gave examples with bike riding, tying shoes, not understanding a concept immediately - but I sense they still thought my assessment was due to the fact I have hothoused my ds to the point of causing the perfection/anxiety problem.

    Sigh. If they only knew the times I sent my ds to his room to "just play" and forget about learning for awhile. Nope. It's not how he's built. Well, unless it's Wii.

    Last edited by Evemomma; 10/12/12 11:00 AM.
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    Do you have suggestions about approaching the teacher again? I get the feeling the school thought my issues were with THEM. Really, my goal is to help my ds not only tolerate school, but find value in it.

    Yes, they probably do think you're *that* mom, but you know, you just might have to get comfortable with that! ;)I would politely follow up in a week or so (after the original meeting) with an email to the psychologist asking what assessement would be given, and when, as far as math. DO NOT be afraid to really ask questions, especially in light of your ds's anxiety on timed tests. Let them know if you think the proposed test would be a bad fit. Make sure your ds has some idea what to expect.
    I'll be honest, I rarely followed the advice to "ask for help" or "talk about his weaknesses" when it came to my one ds. The other kids, yes, but with ds12, they seemed to already see too many weaknesses due to his poor speech and OT skills. Anything I said that added to that, they seemed to view as reason not to give him more advanced work (2E wasn't well known/accepted). Definitely ask to see the assessments they've done as far as reading. I politely requested copies/viewing of EVERY assessment done by the school, many of which were put in his file but not necessarily shared with me. I would ask to meet with the teacher on a monthly or quarterly basis. Even the teachers who WANTED to differentiate often got busy and it fell by the wayside. Another thing we did (and yes, I know it's only October :)) was to ask in March for a "transition" meeting with the current teacher and the lead teacher for the next grade(in our case, teachers weren't known, so we met with the lead). We were never refused regular or transitional meetings and we found that the consistent regular meetings really made things easier. It wasn't so much "why aren't you doing this?!!" but "So, what enrichment are you considering for ds next quarter?" I would bring examples to each meeting of things he was doing as well.
    One hard thing (that I know MANY parents here have found) is that the school can pounce on any missed thing - if they give your ds an end-of-third grade math assessment, he might not know lattice multiplication or the name of the distributive property, but he might be able to do multiplication and division just fine. You really have to be able to talk through the assessments and perhaps prepare your son a bit for bits and pieces like that.
    I also think it's imperative to get school and/or district administration involved. The teacher was often afraid to say yes without the principal's buy-in, and the principal hated to make the teacher do extra work, but the district level gifted and/or curriculum head would often blithely agree that "oh yes, of course we differentiate, and sure, we try to individualize for each student." Sometimes I felt bad that they'd agree to big conceptual things without having any idea of the work needed to back that up, but I used that to my advantage a number of times.
    There are no easy answers in kindy, because frankly, a lot of teachers still believe that everyone will "level out" around third grade. UGH!!!! In each of my kids' cases, I found the exact OPPOSITE to be true. As they got older, their bits and pieces of knowledge shone through, and as tests got harder, they pulled away. You can only go so far on the state testing (and frankly, some of the questions are so stupid and confusing that my kids would get them wrong even if they actually knew the concepts) but on the EXPLORE or SAT, you could see the wide gap between them and their peers. I had my youngest start the EXPLORE in 3rd grade and it made a huge impression on the school (again, I took it to the district, as well as the teachers, because the Director of Curriculum really understood the magnitude of doing so well on an 8th grade test).
    Don't back down. You don't have to be rude, but you can be polite and persistent. I volunteered constantly in the classroom, became active in PTA, remembered the school secretary on every holiday, and tried to be as ingratiatingly sweet as possible, while continuing to request what I thought my kids needed. It gets easier to show their knowledge with every passing year, as they get out of rote computation in math and start actual discussions in reading/science/SS.
    Oh, and every time you meet with the teacher, or anyone, follow up with a note IN WRITING. I always, always confirmed, "it was so nice to meet with you, and I'm excited to hear about your plans for my ds. My understanding is that he will (study independently) (do 3 AR tests a month) (have an alternate spelling list) etc....
    Good luck!

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    Thanks again for this - I would DEFINITELY call myself a reasonable person. I do hope they see this. What makes this worse is I have a dual interest in appearing "workable": I'm the mother of their student AND I have a private practice treating kids/teens that is fed through positive word of mouth. I rely on the local school district to refer to me.

    I'm definitely dealing with the "everyone's the same by third" mentality. Though the school psychogist, who looks so young, did mention that "sometimes kids are always ahead " one time during the meeting. I think she was flying solo on that one.

    OK: patience, courteous follow-up, patience, persistence. Got it.


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    Evemomma, I'm sorry you're having a tough time at school - advocating is never easy (well, maybe it is but I haven't found my "easy" moment yet lol!). I haven't had time to read this full thread, and I'll admit to starting with the most recent post and reading backwards... which means I haven't gotten very far!

    There's just one thing I'd add here -

    Originally Posted by Evemomma
    I'm definitely dealing with the "everyone's the same by third" mentality. Though the school psychogist, who looks so young, did mention that "sometimes kids are always ahead " one time during the meeting. I think she was flying solo on that one.

    I've heard a lot of comments on these boards about the "everyone is the same by third grade" attitude... fwiw... third grade was held up with that same kind of magical emphasis in more than a few conversations I had with my ds' K-2 grade teachers, but I've never heard it as a "everyone is the same by third grade". My understanding (from the way our teachers viewed it) was... more of "everyone catches up to reflect where there ability will naturally put them" by third grade. As in, early readers aren't necessarily going to be the most able readers always because some of the kids who just naturally start reading later will catch up and become very competent or perhaps extremely advanced readers. Other kids who aren't ready to sit still and learn but want to still be up bouncing around simply because they are developmentally a little "younger" than the kids who were eager to go to school might very well be one of the highest ability kids in the class. It doesn't mean your child is going to be any "less" able by the time they are in third grade and it doesn't mean that all the other kids will suddenly be able to work at the same levels as *each other* - instead it means that when a teacher works with 25 different kids in a kindergarten class, he/she can't always predict which of those 25 will be the top reader or best math student in junior high, but by third grade teachers are more able to predict who the more able and top performers are because most kids have passed the early developmental milestones and are ready to learn without having to develop attention or motor skills, and the motivation to learn has started to kick in. I saw this reflected in the children that each of my own children's early years of school.

    Good luck advocating at school - it's tough, but it's also very worth it!

    polarbear

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    Thanks for your insight, Polarbear. I must say that I think there is a serious adulteration of the "third grade rule" as I have heard it. Yes, it seems assinine to me that "everyone" magically equalizes at the age of 9. I do see a lot of merit in not making assumptions about "late bloomer". I was a late bloomer myself.

    Kcab...we'll see if my ds can tolerate it. It's not the exercises that are freaking him out, it's the "placement" quizzed. If it's going to be too anxiety-laden, I know his teacher mentioned workbook options for those without Internet access. Or maybe we WILL disobey the teacher altogether. Ooooooo. smile

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