Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Friendships..I'm at my wits end!!!!!

Ok, it's been a while since I've been here and posted (years in fact) but my wife and I are at a loss as to what to do. I have two kids DS10, DD8. Both are in the profoundly gifted range. Both are also on the smaller size as far as their age groups. DS is slightly below average where DD is in the 10th percentile. Really tiny. Had Kawasaki's Disease as an infant and that may have retarded her growth slightly. Neither are particularly athletic. They are both in a school for highly gifted kids. My problem is both are extremely LONELY!. Neither has made good friends. We live in a neighborhood with a few children their age that go to the neighborhood public school but they just don't mesh with the kids and the kids don't get them either. They have have come home daily upset and in tears that they don't have friends and don't know why. They are so special, so sweet, so caring, very shy, and definitely non-aggressive. They just can't interact with kids in ways that "normal" kids interact and make friends. My son said he just wishes he was normal. He hates the way he is. It is breaking our hearts to see them this way. To add insults to injury kids can be so "mean" without realizing how mean they are being. And as intelligent as my kids are they are also highly sensitive. What normally roles off other kids backs they will obsess about for days. "Why would they say this. I thought we were friends. They act like they hate me now" etc. Sorry to be ranting but this is the only place I feel I can talk about this and people get it. I'm just lost at how to handle this.

I'm sorry your kids are having such a rough time. Have you asked the school psych or school SW if there is a social skills group they could join? They could learn some basic skills to help them interact better with the other kids and may even make a friend or two in the group. At the least they will probably be able to find someone to eat lunch with or become part of a "lunch bunch" once a week. If they are in a school for highly gifted there should be kids who "get" them. Maybe this will give them the support they need to find them. Good luck!

I think you have to be aggressive setting up the playdates and socialize with other parents. I find that the parents that socialize, have kids that socialize. And as they get older, they will accomodate their tastes in friends, but the initial building blocks have to start with some sort of community, which includes parents.

I know your kids are now a little older but what happened when they were younger?

Ren

Oh my, I do sympathize with what you're going through. A great many gifted children go through something similar, I know that doesn't solve anything nor make you feel any better, just know your family isn't alone in that.

Most kids find that it gets better as they get older. The activities they become involved in by choice often help that. Our first insight into that was when our boys started into the music program, a few more kids of the same mindset that they saw on a regular basis, then science club, honors classes, National Honors Society, National Science Honors Society, etc. As kids of like mind get older, they tend to pool into activities / clubs where others of like mind and interests are.

Perhaps the biggest change came when our eldest DS was a Junior in HS. By then it seems kids get more comfortable in their own skin, develop some maturity and appreciation for people of all kinds of mindsets and preferences, not everyone does mind you but enough so that he felt he was accepted and appreciated among a reasonable amount of his peer group.

I think you'll find that just as you have to work hard to ensure you gifted kids are kept challenged and have opportunities for advanced learning, you'll have to do the same socially, going to extra lengths to find activities where those of like mind and interests gather. If you're a religious family, you'll probably find your kids are appreciated for who they are there. As I've mentioned in another thread, the local gaming store was also a great peer group for our kids with a great many kids of like mind, so much so that they accepted each other's quirks and even celebrated them.

Gifted kids often don't have great numbers of friends, instead they often have one or two close friends of like mind, it's important that as a parent you make every effort to help your child to get plenty of time with those one or two kids who they may become close to until such a time as their peer group matures and accepts and appreciates them for who they are.

I wanted to second the idea that it helps for parents to really get involved with other parents. I have a very shy, introverted DS14 and we've worked hard to get him into an environment (smaller school) where he feels confident and competent. He tried sports, but they weren't for him, so he kind of fell out of the social scene. And, since it was a new school for him and I didn't know any of the parents, we didn't ever get together with other families. But, when I started really making an effort to talk to the other parents (and I, myself, am shy and introverted), those parents started suggesting to their kids that my DS be included in social acitivities outside of school. And, when we were hanging out with parents, they tended to be of like-mind, so their kids tended to be more of like-mind with my son. And, because it was families hanging out with families, the kids were kind of forced to spend time together and get to know one another. Now, I'm not going to say that my son is now uberpopular and involved in a huge group of friends (he is introverted, afterall), but he is occasionally trying new things outside of school and feels like he has friends in school.

I also agree that it helps if parents get socially involved with other parents and their kids. Offer to take few kids to movies. Kids love to go to movies, works great with introvert parents and kids, as you do not need to interact much, and still everyone has fun. Sleepovers are greatly appreciated by other parents and kids love them too. Try to be involved in different school activities, so that you get to know the other kids and their parents. Both of my kids are athletic, but I have seen how kids who never were able to fit in, open up at my kids fencing club. Fencing is a sport where you need more thinking skills than athletic abilities to do ok, of course, to fence at national level you do need to be very athletic. Summer camps are another place to develop friendships. But also it is often parents who foster those relationships, keep them going after the camp. Your kids are still at the age where you can lead them and somewhat make decisions for them even when it comes to friendships.

How about volunteering to be a parent mentor for a once a week after school club/group in an area your ds or dd is interested in? It would be a way to gather in one spot kids with a shared interest, and probably meet their parents when the kids get picked up. Parents are thrilled if another one wants to provide an activity that lets them pick up from school a half hour later, and will start out liking you just for that.

Bright 8-10 year olds love to do stuff so you don't have to have a special talent. Build a robot from a kit, use a kit to start a worm composter at school, shoot rockets up off the school playing field, or if all that sounds intimidating how about a classic cartoon history/video club through the winter (all you have to do is rent the videos and supply popcorn). If more outdoor interests maybe a frisbee golf club, GPS/compass treasure hunt club. Whatever your kids are interested in and you have time for. You can ask the school for a teacher to mentor you to get started, even come to the first one or two to lead you through how to do it and get it going smoothly, and put a cap on the number of kids so it's not a stressful number. Just commit to 4 weeks or so to start and see how it goes, if it flounders just pick some other topic. If weekdays are a problem try a club meeting Saturdays.

My DS5 has been going to a club on one Saturday a month run by a parent. The parents stick around usually in the background chatting, or sometimes groups of 2 or 3 kids are brought by one parent. DS has had the best time there, we've hung out for an hour or more afterwards sometimes while he's played with kids 2-3 years older and he's gotten along so well with them -- it shocks me what good social skills he's capable of having when there's a shared interest. The kids seem to be nicer to him (more inclusive) outside of school than they would be during the day when they have their regular friends, I'm sure they would completely ignore him if he was in their class. I think DS makes more of an effort too because he admires them a bit for being older. I only wish it was more than once a month. I'm hoping after a few more of those that if we suggest a playdate with one of these older boys it won't seem odd that the ages are so different.

Polly

I feel for you as we have the same concerns with our DS8. He too is PG and doesn't feel like he fits in a lot. He is in a public school setting which makes things even more challenging at times because he feels quite different than the other students. He has already been grade skipped and is subject accelerated. He does enjoy school a lot and is fairly extroverted, and kids seem to like him for the most part. But he just misinterprets social situations and reads into things and makes generalizations. Like if a boy has a best friend DS will decide that they won't be his friend because they already have a friend. I am actually a school social worker so we have worked on different social skills and not making those quick judgments, but it's still a challenge. On nights where he thinks about it more he will tell me that he doesn't think that he will ever meet anyone that is truly like him or has similar interests. Or that he fears he will never have a best friend. He does have some friends of our family and church that he does things with and we have had a few playdates, plus he is involved in school events in which he interacts with others (chorus, math olympiad, chess club, etc.). so that helps a lot, but he does continue to feel isolated at times. I wish I had words of advice, but just continue to find ways for them to interact with others and help facilitate ways in which they can be with peers and bond through activities of similar interest. Hopefully at a school with HG kids they should find at least a few with similar interests that they can connect with. Being shy may make a little more organization and planning on your part then theirs. Good luck!