I see kids with very "subliminal" autism/aspergers (seem more rude or quiet than disabled...which I think is VERY hard on them) as a counselor. My best advice on the respect issue I give them is to "fake it 'til you make it...if you never make it just fake it". I explain that the relationship between a teacher and student is full of unwritten rules. Rules don't always make sense - but they can be a means to an end. Just like following the made-op rules on Lego Starwars gets you higher in the game, so can doing so st school. A teacher is more likely to give you privelages, take into account your side of a disagreement, and be more understanding of mistakes if you follow the "I understand you're in charge" rule.
Good luck

This reminds me of reprogramming computer games like Lemonade Stand so that there would be a nuclear holocaust on day three ending the world.

So, there is the counterpoint that you can simply reprogram the game.

Ahhh yes...I'm experienced with this type of logic :-) .

Even if you reprogrammed the game to fit your needs, you had to follow the rules of codewriting to get you there. Somehow, somewhere along the way, one has to roll over in the service of advancement.

more good advice
thanks again.
deedee i will look into that book! thank you,
and evemomma i totally get what you are saying.
and very very true about your comment it is hard on them- YES, when people say how lucky my ds is so high functioning etc, i say maybe, maybe not, he is VERY aware that he is slightly different, that can make life sorta sad for him, (he has no anxiety issues thankfully) and he wants to fit in and be friends,
now because he also is so smart- for that reason alone the kids don't always get what he is talking about or interested in what he is saying and because of his autism, he doesn't always recognize the social cues they are giving off, so he keeps on. then is hurt when he realizes they really aren't listening... he doesn't get that always.
surprisingly, sometimes he does get it. and he catches himself and he stops.self regulating?

re the kid doing it on purpose- he's a 5yo with adhd, so it was more about lack of impulse control for this kiddo than trying to make cade upset. i think. the kid is really super sweet why i think that, but again- very very impulsive.
still yes, ds needs to get over it a lot quicker! not get so upset. he is learning to let things slide... with me as mom he should totally be able to let things roll, because i am very laid back and try to go with it.

i think yes, things in future will be interesting but i am choosing to be positive and envisioning good things and a quality education for ds, in an enriching learning environment, one in which he is happy, making friends and enjoying his social life
i know nothing is so simple, but i am always hopeful

ADD

i found the charter application for my ds6 school, it is 107 pgs long but going thru very quickly i found 2 important pgs that discuss identifying gifted kids and their SAS program (my DS was "verified" and was accepted into this school in their SAS program), it discusses that they WILL use differentiated learning, and compacting curriculum and pretesting etc....
another page discusses the differentiated learning in more depth.

i scrolled thru it all very quickly, i am sure there might possibly be more pages...

**could this document that THEY filled out to receive Charter status- work in my favor? a reminder my situ-they are currently NOT differentiating AT ALL,my DS in SAS is doing the same work as ALL the kids incl kids who do not know their abc's (DS reads),
could i simply in a mtg with principal suggest that maybe i MISUNDERSTOOD about the SAS but i am confused b/c i read it clearly in their charter app which was accepted that they do SAS and differentiate etc????

this is a sort of round about approach of suggesting, they aren't maybe following what they said they would do--- without me actually saying so directly or accusatory.

? anyone?
i was shocked today to see another nearby schools kinder work- WOW! the child is NOT in SAS program and they get ALOT of work, not busy work but actual journal writing, book reports etc! the math still iffy but they are reading and i love the more indepth lang arts! my DS gets none of this. interesting, both schools use same books- BUT the other school gives the students the actual books to take home, my DS gets a photocopy pg. also, they do not get all the other stuff, this other schl gives plenty more. and just having the actual book. that's nice.

(in glance thru it? my DS could easily do the entire Envisions math book for kinder in a wkd.
ok thanks again

Pete Wright suggested this approach--like Matlock (remember that lawyer show with Andy Griffith?)

I think the indirect/ "oh, I'm so confused" approach is more likely to work simply because it seems like it is less likely to evoke a knee-jerk, defensive response than being direct (aka, 'accurate'). That is, if the other people in the discussion are actually reasonable people and honestly trying to do what's best for your kid. If they're jerks or just trying to give you the runaround, it won't matter--but at least you can start out that way, knowing that if things don't go well at least it won't be your fault for not trying or for not trying to be polite.

Yep.

My default with this kind of thing is now a progression:

a) "oh... can you EXPLAIN ____ to me, please?"

b) "I must have misunderstood... maybe you can explain it to me?"

c) "This is what I understood. Please correct anything that is inaccurate in this summary."


The last is by far the most aggressive-- that one belongs in full documentation, Letter of Understanding mode, particularly when such a thing is date-stamped, has a clear timeline and full names, etc. I do NOT employ that until earlier attempts have failed.