Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Captain Literal Strikes Again

Ok, so this is more of a request for advice on how to communicate more literally to my 12 year old with Asperger's traits (but not diagnosed as of yet - psychologist wants to do further testing, exploring first). How do you train yourself to communicate in a way that lessens frustrations for both me and my kiddo?

Secondly, is it possible to teach a child who is so literal to learn to extrapolate out to more generalized conclusions.

Here's an example from last night:

Me, calling upstairs to the 12-year-old: Can you please check your brother's room and all around upstairs to see if he has any plates or cups or anything that needs to go in the dishwasher. Bring them down if there are.

Him: Nope. He doesn't have anything upstairs.

Me: There HAS to be dishes up there. There are only two bowls in the entire kitchen.

Him: Oh. Well, I have a bunch of bowls up here from when I had popcorn with my friends.

Me: Well, then, bring them down.

Him: Oh. Ok. I can do that.

It never occurred to him that if there were dishes, bring them down. He latched onto the "if your brother has dishes" and never went beyond that. While it can be humorous, it is also really frustrating for his teachers, for me, etc., and yet I know it is just the way he thinks. If anyone has advice or suggestions, I'm all ears. Ok, eyes.

Maybe make your instructions/communications broad rather than narrow so that no extrapolation is required?

This reminds me of broad and narrow claims in patent applications.

Having just gone through patent and trademarking adventures, I can see your point. It is worth a try to be more broad.

Maybe make it a statement as well, instead of "Can you?".

When mine was 6, I said "Would you please feed the dog?" and he responded "Wait, are you asking me or telling me?". I said I was telling him in a very nice way.

And, I agree about broad in some cases "Check the upstairs for dirty dishes and bring down any you find". But, in some cases, I have to be very specific. Once I said to him, bring me all the towels from your bathroom so that I can wash them. He did just that - ALL the towels, clean and dirty. To me, it was clear that I would only want to wash dirty ones, but to him, that "all" meant everything.

If there are ideas to help mine learn to extrapolate or generalize, I would appreciate that as well. As in your example, from "check the upstairs for dirty dishes and bring them to me" he would see a dirty cup in the living room and automatically pick it up and bring it as well.

And, yes, very frustrating here as well.

ABQ, mine had that idea about "dishes" too! (That it was just plates, and glasses and bowls were not included.)

We do direct, on-the-spot, one-sentence instruction when we catch one of these misunderstandings: "When I say "dishes," I mean all the eating utensils, including your glass and cutlery."

Mine also had trouble with implied instructions: he regards "Class, we are on page 43" as information that doesn't apply to him, but if you say "turn to page 43" he is more likely to do it.

I suspect each instance of this kind of semi-figurative language has to be taught: it's a language glitch and a thinking glitch. Having teachers watch out for it and instruct as needed may at least get everyone on the same page.

DeeDee

Maybe try switching from action-oriented instructions to outcome-oriented instructions. Empower them to figure out how to achieve the outcome.

Like: "Please make sure all the bowls are in the kitchen by 6pm"

Thanks for all the suggestions - and for letting me know I'm not alone in this one.

I have aspergers, so maybe I just don't get it, but why do people speak soooooo indirectly to kids? Its like some wierd test all the time. Today someone said to DS "we don't like to climb on there." he said "ok," with great delecacy, and gave her a wierd look. So I told him what she meant, and told her why he didn't understand her. And then she said to him "we aren't allowed to climb on that."

so he told me I'd misunderstood her, and that they weren't allowed to climb it, but it was all good, since he was allowed , nd they dont like to anyway.

Arrrrrrgh.

Anyway, no suggestions. Half the time I'm mystified.

I have always talked to DS4 very directly. I think my mind works in many ways just like his (sometimes I wonder if his Asperger-like traits come from me?) ... I take things literally first too and then I have to MAKE myself understand things the way others do. So to me it's been a natural thing to talk to him very directly ... I've had some friends tell me I talk to my son like he was a dog ... And I just tell them ... maybe ... but IT WORKS! ... I just use a lot of DOs and DON'Ts and direct verbs and it seems to do the trick. He won't follow 2-step commands someone gives him, he won't even follow 1-step commands many times ... but if I translate the multiple-step command into our private "dog language" he WILL do what's asked of him.

Now, obviously, I am not comparing my son to an animal ... don't take me wrong! But it is that simple direct kind of language that he responds to the best! He has an amazing vocabulary that he uses but I can't use it back on him. I have to keep it simple.

LOl I agree! And I do not have aspergers! But I feel like there is a certain way of communicating in upper middle class white suburbia that is very indirect. Kids learn it young (like someone mentioned speaking very indirectly eg "we don't like to climb on there") and then do it as adults. I come from lower class working poor... I *think* "we" are much more direct (for example I don't think anyone from my hood would say "we don't like to climb on there" to a child, it would have been "Hey there ! Whoa! Get down here right now! You're not allowed to climb on there - you'll get hurt" No one would have ever said, with the fake smile, "we don't like to climb on that."

My husband, upper middle class white suburban boy, often chuckles at me and my directness and says "Okay babe that is NOT how we say things here in white suburbia..." and then will give me examples of how to say the same thing very indirectly. I rarely have the patience for it. And being direct in upper middle class surburbia has indeed gotten me in trouble (and called 'offensive'). And I am not mean - I don't hurl personal insults or anything, I am just direct.

My MIL (is a very nice lady that I love, btw, so not bashing here) is the queen of indirect. An example I find amazing (it truly can be an art, imo) : Father in law was in hospital (major operation); nurse comes in and starts taking vial after vial of blood out of FIL; MIL KNOWS this is wrong; concerned she says to nurse "oh my! that's quite bit you seem to be taking there. Are you sure that's okay for him?" Nurse blows her off; MIL (having no doubt nurse is making a mistake) then goes to head nurses station and EXCHANGES pleasentries with head nurse first and then mentions to head nurse, "oh I sure hope my husband can go on his walk around the hall this afternoon." Head nurse says "why wouldn't he be able to?" or something like that; MIL says "well that new nurse over there is taking an awful lot of blood out of him and I am afraid he'll be too weak to take his walk." Head nurse freezes and says "WHAT!?!" and then runs to nurse making the mistake to stop him. (turns out nurse had never checked FIL bracelet and had him confused with a different patient). I found my MIL's way to deal with that postively amazing! I mean, that style really isn't for me but still amazing.