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    #13743 04/14/08 08:34 AM
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    I'm going to pull my hair out if I can't figure out a way to get my son to get ready for school in the mornings. I've threatened, cajoled, bribed, "stickered", scolded, given him the responsibity, called dad at work to talk to him, and everything else I know how to do. He's been to the vice-principal's office where he was told he would have to go to court if he was late. It makes my crazy to battle with him over going to school almost every morning. The answer seems obvious, right, pull him out and homeschool? It's not that easy, that's taking him away from the social setting he needs so much. Not to mention that my husband is totally, 100% opposed to it. I'm looking at other options for school but for right now, I NEED him to get up and get ready for school.

    I'm ashamed to admit it but this morning I got so frustrated with him I called his dad - he refused to talk to dad - dad suggested dumping water on him. SO I got a spray bottle of water (just water) and started spraying him with it. This went on for several minutes until we were both worn out. Don't ask me the point of it, I don't know. I told him we were leaving for school in 12 minutes and he was going with whatever clothes he had on his body - pajamas or whatever (he is also still in a pullup because he is not dry at night, no diagnosis for this just wait until he outgrows it so I really wanted him to at least take off the pullup). He finally started getting dressed but I had to keep going in and telling him how many more minutes and pushing him. It took him 12 minutes to go potty, take off his pajamas and get dressed. No breakfast, no brushing teeth, nothing other than just getting dressed. I don't know what to DO WITH HIM and I want to scream.

    I read an article from SENG that says with gifted kids sometimes you need to change yourself, not the child and to remove roadblocks to avoid this kind of situation and let them "practice getting it right". But, if he has to get ready for school, he has to get ready for school. Good article, by the way (www.sengifted.org/articles_parenting/Probst_ManagingLifeWithAChallengingChild) but HOW do you do it.

    I asked him if he hated school and he said "No, I hate getting ready for school". I just don't know what to do. I know I should be polite and apologize for venting or at least say thank you but I really don't want to and I hope that doesn't offend anybody. I'm just in tears over this. It just breaks my heart.

    Last edited by squirt; 04/14/08 08:50 AM. Reason: added last sentence
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    Does he listen and respond to other directions you give him? If getting up is his only issue then I'd implement an earlier bedtime as a result of not getting up & moving on time. Make it 15 minutes earlier each time he does not get up in the morning. This works on some of them. Bedtime can be later once he shows he's getting up and dressed in a reasonable time.

    Another alternative, could your husband get him up before he leaves for work?

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    OH Squirt! {{HUG}} We have those mornings too. The biggest change I made was setting his bedtime a little early and having him get up about 20 minutes earlier to allow for those "lag spikes" in the morning routine.

    I'm not sure if any of this will help you but they are some of the things that have made mornings bearable most days for us.

    First, make sure if you can that you are up, ready and have had that first jolt of whatever gets you moving in the morning before you try to get your son up and moving. For me it is a tall glass of ice water lol.

    Next, try to do as much as possible the night before. I pack his lunch, get out his clothes, make sure the book bag is packed and ready by the door, shoes and coat are found and ready. (Except for making the luch, these are his chores, I just make sure they are done before he goes to bed.)

    Third, We have had limited success with the sticker chart. Until we learned what motivated our son, the sticker charts didn't work. On the advice of his Psych, we let him choose his reward. Each day he was ready to catch the bus on time, he decided that 1 randomly selected pokemon card was a reasonable reward. For each week that he met the goal everyday he got to pick an extra science experiment to do on the weekend. When he met the goal 20 times (didn't have to be continuous) we went to the museum or something similar of his choice.

    What is working for me most days now is that when he is ready to go, we have some reading time together. The sooner he is ready, the more reading time we have. Seeing me sit down with a book usually gets him to moving to finish those last couple tasks.

    Of course, we do still have those mornings when I feel like I'm yelling my head off and he is still stuck in slow motion. He almost missed the bus last Thursday...

    Last edited by elh0706; 04/14/08 09:20 AM.
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    What about letting him sleep in his clothes for school? That may sound strange, but if he is wearing something relatively wrinkle free that could save some hassle.

    Also, does he get up at the last minute and then you have to rush him? If so, maybe get him up 20 to 30 minutes early and let him veg. Watch a few cartoons, look at a book, etc. Have time to wake up and get going. My kids both do so much better if they have a little time to wake up in the morning before they have to start the whole routine of getting ready to go somewhere. And if he is too tired to get up earlier, have him go to bed earlier so he can make up for the lost sleep.

    Ask him what he hates about getting ready in the morning? The rushing, the getting dressed, having to eat at a certain time, etc? Maybe you can pin point the exact problem and then you can work on a solution.

    All kids can definitely be frustrating at times. Hopefully you'll figure out exactly what is going on and find a workable solution. Good luck!!!!! smile


    Last edited by EandCmom; 04/14/08 09:23 AM. Reason: elh and I cross posted. good suggestions elh!!!
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    I love the suggestions parents have made (earlier bedtime, sleep in clothes, get ready ahead). So constructive!

    Sorry I don't have anything really to add, except the one thing that's worked as a motivator in my family is loss of privileges (specifically, TV, computer or gaming time). Monetary incentives have also had a little success, but I don't think it's appropriate for things they're expected to do (wake up).

    Good Luck, Squirt!

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    I am all for natural consequences. The bus leaves and so must he no matter how little he is ready. I say put him on the bus in his pajamas if needed and hopefully it will do the trick. I am sure he won't be happy about all the questions when he gets to school in his pajamas.


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    Loss of computer time is huge for my first grader. I can literally get him to do almost anything with this threat. I wish I had something similar for my 3.5 year old!

    We also have ALOT of lead time on our mornings. We practice piano in the morning as well. We get up at 7 to leave at 9. My son usually has at least 45 minutes to eat, sit at the table, read books, whine, etc before he needs to get dressed (I give him 15 minutes to get dressed) and practice. And honestly it still feels tight when it's time to get out the door.

    I like the bedtime shifting idea too. We may try that sometime!

    Edited to say - we also pick out and lay out clothes for the next day at bedtime. And I still help with button shirts! My poor 7 year old can't tie his shoes either. (I know I know - summer project for us). He's actually never owned tie shoes except for soccer cleats.

    Last edited by kimck; 04/14/08 10:46 AM.
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    My oldest ds had a lot of trouble with transitions. He has AS and I guess this is common to kids on the spectrum. Your daily struggles sound very familiar. We found that preparation and routine really helped a lot. We made sure that DS had his clothing all the way to socks laid out the night before. We had to go over a specific routine with him, or he'd wander about half dressed and not sure of it was time to eat breakfast or time to brush his teeth. Once he had a schedule (and I put estimated time onto it to keep him on track) he was fine. Otherwise, every morning was new and different and something he passively or actively resisted.

    I have to politely disagree about sending him to school in jammies. That is just asking for teasing and ridicule. Don't go for public embarrassment; try to support his organizational and motivational challenges.


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    Oh, one other note, we made a new rule of absolutely no screen time of any kind before school. It seemed that even if he was ready except for his coat, he just wasn't able to get moving toward the bus at the right time if he had screen time. At least he can walk to the bus stop with his nose in a book if he really can't put it down right then smile.

    Kimck, we have a similar schedule. DS gets up 1.5 hours before he needs to catch the bus and does his drum practice in the morning most days. This was a new addition to his schedule in January and has worked out pretty well.


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    Besides making sure there's a nice big chunk of time between when he gets up and when you need to leave the house, two other things I can recommend are (1) try a timer, www.timetimer.com (this timer shows the time elapsing in a very visual way), and (2) tell him he'll go to school in his pajamas if he isn't ready (and mean it). The car leaves in x minutes and that's it. With this approach, I've had dd frantic trying to get dressed while we're in car line. She has since grown out of that. Lately, sometimes it helps if I put on my coat and grab my keys and act like I'm leaving - then the tears "wait mommy!", but I get annoyed when I have to pull that act - it's not like I don't have anything else to do before I put my coat on.

    Also, if he is a visual-spatial learner, here's an article http://www.visualspatial.org/Articles/shoes.htm

    I do my fair share of yelling in the morning at the kids to get dressed, though usually I start long before we have to leave... Also, if you have more than one child (sorry, I can't remember), it can always be made a race, though I wouldn't do that every day.
    smile

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    Oh, we've dealt with the same issues at our house with DS7. It has taken me awhile to realize I need to work things around his needs and to finally use some of my tools from OT to help out! Here are my suggestions:

    Allow him plenty of time to actually wake up in the morning. He sounds like he is a slow riser. My son is also - just like me! But it took me forever to realize that he just needs more time to physically wake up. So, now I wake him up with enough time for him to lay in bed, roll around, complain, climb into bed with us to watch the news/weather or to snuggle and tickle. It has made all the difference in the world for him to not feel rushed.

    Use some sensory strategies to help him with the wake up process. Try music to wake him - I sometimes put my daughters preschool tunes on son's CD player. They can be so obnoxious he HAS to get up to go across the room to turn them off! Or bring him a water bottle with something cold to drink - juice will give him a jolt of sugar as well as the cold sensation to alert his body. You can even try a freeze pop or popsicle if the cold stuff works. Use light to help. I usually open the curtains/blinds or turn on a softer light about 10 minutes before I try to rouse son out of bed. It helps to bring the body out of a deep sleep.

    Try touch, too. My son likes soft touches like a back rub or leg rub. Instead of jolting him out of bed by shaking him, I sit quietly and rub his back and start talking to him.

    For the routine, you could try a checklist in his room or wherever he is when getting ready. Keep it simple, but let him know that these are the 6 steps (or however many there are) that he needs to get done. And ditto on the TimeTimer. Those are wonderful!!!!!! I use one in every OT session and have used it at home for getting kids to eat their meal in a reasonable amount of time and get things done faster.

    Do you need to move back bedtime? This is an issue for us. My son fights going to sleep but then doesn't get up in time in the morning. So getting to bed on time is really the core of the problem for us.

    Does he respond to rewards? Definitely offer a reward that is meaningful to him if he can get out of the house for a whole week straight.

    You've had lots of good suggestions from others - I hope some of it helps you. Hang in there. You aren't alone!!!!

    #13776 04/14/08 12:30 PM
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    My DS actually also has his own alarm clock and we use a timer during our breakfast/reading/chatting time as well. Those are also invaluable to us!

    We actually live walking distance to school and lately it has been warm enough to do it. But it is a good 20 minute walk, so sadly it hasn't been happening! We do walk home from school when we can though (which always takes like a hour with playground time, chatting, etc).

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    Every kid is different. I actually found that screen time in the morning motivated my dd8 to get up and get dressed. She is a Webkinz fan. Apparently on Webkinz you have to wait 8 hours between jobs. My dd discovered that if she gets up early enough in the morning that she can do a job before school and then do another after school. She sets her own alarm and has to be completely dressed and ready to go before she gets on the computer. Now she is usually dressed and ready to go before I even wake up.

    #13791 04/14/08 06:14 PM
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    Originally Posted by eema
    I know that kids should do more on their own, but I was completely confident that this stage would end. They are now 10 and 8 and dress themselves, although DS8 does like me to pick out his clothes.

    I pick out my 7 year old son's clothes too. He could truly care less what he wears and prefers it that way. He has a couple favorite t-shirts (wild and crazy), but doesn't bat an eye if something else comes out. I'm sure my DH wouldn't mind if I'd pick out his clothes too (not happening).

    However my 3.5 year old daughter is OCD about what she is going to wear every day. We absolutely must come a consensus about her outfit the night before or it would be a big sobbing fashion fest every morning.

    #13792 04/14/08 08:18 PM
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    Originally Posted by eema
    Not everyone would agree with me, but when my kids were younger I did most of the getting ready for them.

    I'm with you here. This is just not a battle I choose at this time with DS4. We would never get anywhere on time if I made him dress himself (he would wear his pjs out). He does put on his own shoes though - thank heavens for slip on merrells and crocs!

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    I let DS3 dress himself. Often this means he wears shorts over pants and sleeveless shirts in the dead of winter. But with his sensitivities to clothing, those goofy wardrobe choices are way better than the morning fights we'd have if I tried to get him to wear things he doesn't want to wear.

    I do tell his preschool teacher that he picked out his own clothes though, so she doesn't think I'm insane!

    Funny that we have to use opposite strategies to avoid the same morning problem...


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    I feel compelled to add my grandmotherly advice regarding dressing vs. self-dressing young kids -




















    Whatever works for you!!!! haha, did anyone feel a twinge of guilt before reading my answer? I've learned there is no one right answer that fits all children. I've also learned not to enter a battle of wills when it's not clear that I will win.

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    Oh, of course, OHG! I'm a big fan of whtever works! I hope I didn't seem to be arguing. I just thought it was amusing that the completely opposite approach worked for me.

    Different kids, different tactics...


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    Oh, Kriston, I didn't see your post as arguing. I liked to see such a wide variety of answers! Kids are so different, and the reasons for not getting up in the morning are so varied that only the parent is going to have an idea of what will work for her/his own child. At this point, I think Squirt needed all the different ideas that worked for others, so she might find another way of handling the situation.

    I just saw your post as perfect timing to have a bit of fun trying to invoke some light-hearted guilt, just what a grandma does, isn't it? hahaha.

    Last edited by OHGrandma; 04/15/08 05:53 AM.
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    Oh, sorry to seem mirthless and paranoid! laugh Light-hearted is good! LOL!


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    I hope I'm not *always* mirthless and paranoid. Why?! Do I *seem* to be always mirthless and paranoid? What have you heard?!

    <tee-hee-hee>


    Kriston
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    My DS4 has clothing sensitivities too. We've had to cut out all tags, and he will wear only all cotton long sleeves and long pants, even in summer. (He did allow one exception - if we're by the ocean he'll wear shorts. Did I mention we live in MN?) Writing this, i'm suddenly reminded of my own all-cotton preference, which also transferred to my Barbies when i was little. Barbie would only wear GI Joe's clothes, because they were cotton!

    And if he had a choice, my son would never change his clothes and never take a bath! So allowing him to dress himself would result in pjs, every day.

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    I started writing my previous note and got distracted and flitted off, so i missed the in betweens. Kriston, i didn't take any offense at your comments. smile

    Last edited by st pauli girl; 04/15/08 06:50 AM. Reason: grammar
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    Mornings are so hard at our house too! And I have to admit that very quickly into this school year (kindergarten) I gave in to dressing my DD. She just turned 6 a few weeks ago. She's literally been dressing herself since she was 2 but she's NOT an early morning person. Her natural wake time is closer to 7:30, and we have to wake her up every morning by 7:00. Because my younger two are usually still asleep, and also because I try to be quiet so that I don't wake up my DD3.5 who shares a room with DD6, I literally carry her in to the bathroom, put her on the potty, then dress her--all while her eyes are usually still closed. After that time she usually walks on her own into the kitchen and eats her breakfast. After 10 minutes she's perked up and ready to go to school. This is the only time that I dress her for anything and I never did for preschool (I don't even dress my DD3.5). But we didn't have to be at preschool until 9:30, and leaving the house by 7:30 is a lot harder for her to do.

    I certainly don't plan on dressing her like this forever. For now, though, it's the best way to let her get sleep in the mornings but still get out the door on time without making such a scene that we wake up her younger siblings. Perhaps it's not the best approach in terms of fostering independence in the morning, but overall it's the best solution for us. Besides, I'm not a morning person, and there are some mornings when I would love it if someone would help me get dressed. smile

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    Apropos of nothing except the topic, which made me think of this -

    My DH once picked up a parenting book reviewed in the NY Times. It was a rerelease and I think it was called Between Parent and Child. The opening anecdote really hit home with me and I think of it often. I'm paraphrasing, but it was something along the lines of why do we talk to/treat our children differently than we treat our friends/other adults? And the example was what would you do if your best friend came over to your house to visit and forgot his or her umbrella? Would you call up and say "You never can remember anything! What is wrong with you? You'd probably forget your head if it wasn't attached, wouldn't you?!!" I agree with the premise, and I try to remember it when desperately trying to get DS from point A to point B...


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    Great point questions.
    smile

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    LOL Dottie!!!!! You're right!!!! :-)

    But it definitely is something worth remembering in times of stress! smile

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    Frankly, I can't remember ever having yelled at a friend. Ever. I haven't been following all those enjit intiials, but it must make me very, very weird or uptight or something.

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    I always say I'll drive them there, but they're going to have to pay the ER co-pay!!!! grin

    I've never yelled at a friend as an adult. But I may have once or twice when I was MUCH younger!!! LOL!!!!!!

    Last edited by EandCmom; 04/15/08 11:45 AM. Reason: cross posted
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    OH, Dottie, I love those! A trip down memory lane.

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    Originally Posted by AmyEJ
    Besides, I'm not a morning person, and there are some mornings when I would love it if someone would help me get dressed. smile


    Oh, I hear that, AmyEJ! While we're dreaming, could I order breakfast in bed, too? wink


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    I had avoided making my 5 y.o. twin boys dress themselves until recently (DD7 has been doing it herself since she was able - her decision LOL - talk about fashion statements). After all, it's so much faster if I do it myself, and actually takes a lot less energy than all the yelling I occasionally have to do (here I am, 7 months along with child #5. So any path to "easier" is one I usually take, especially when it involves getting out the door anywhere close to on time). The last things I started making them do themselves were socks and shoes, just within the last month or so.

    But I recently realized that we were missing out on a daily opportunity for DS5 to work on motor skills, especially with the socks (he has fine motor and various other sensory processing issues). In fact, a lot of the things his new OT has recommended involve having him help out with certain household "chores" on a daily basis. For DS5, now I think it's really quite important that he do these things himself. In contrast to his fiercely independent sister, he likes to be the baby, so changing over was hard. (in addition to motor skills, I also want to build his confidence regarding self-sufficiency.) So anyway, I think the motor skills angle may be something to consider for a child who has that sort of issue - obviously that can make getting dressed that much more difficult and time consuming, but in some cases the work may be a valuable contribution in an OT kinda way. Make sense?

    One other little trick I should throw out there is to be creative with incentives - for a while the kids wanted to watch a certain show on tv in the morning, and I would tell them they had to be dressed first. Likewise, lately they've been arguing over who mommy will sit next to at breakfast, and I'll then say that I'll sit next to whoever gets dressed first (you never saw them get dressed so fast in your life LOL. Trouble with that is the last one usually sheds a few tears). So, be on the lookout for things that they really want, especially in the morning, to use as a bargaining chip.
    smile

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    Originally Posted by squirt
    I asked him if he hated school and he said "No, I hate getting ready for school". I just don't know what to do. I know I should be polite and apologize for venting or at least say thank you but I really don't want to and I hope that doesn't offend anybody. I'm just in tears over this. It just breaks my heart.

    Hi Squirt,
    Great Question!
    I was one of those do everything the night before folks, with washing and changing into 'tommorow clothes' before bed, laying out everything in the staging area, allowing breakfast eating and toothbrushing in the car on the way to school. Of course what helped the most was that I has a deadline of getting to work after the drop off! Lots of talk about how proud I was of DS helping the family by helping to get Mommy to work on time. Eventually I did get DH to do the actual driving to school, but I still had to do the pre-wake up, the wake up, breakfast, backpack backing - but it sure was wonderful. When I drove, I would arrive at work feeling like I had just worked a full shift!

    I would definitly consider waking DS up about 90 minutes before 'leave the house time.' And earlier bedtime if needed. I'm with Lorel on the 'no pajamas at school' thing. Our 'family rule' is - you can't wear the same outfit two days in a row. I love that for young boys sweatpants and a tee shirt or turtle neck equals 'dressed.' Frankly, if it isn't comfortable enough to sleep in, DS isn't going to make it through a school day in it - he was a 'cut the labels out' kind of kid.

    Some kids really hate the cold air on the skin that was so nicely covered by pajamas so recently. In the winter you can keep the jammies on and use them as long underwear.

    Keep a log and jot down what works and what doesn't - you may find amazing coincidences about what precedes morning meltdown.

    Best Wishes,
    Grinity


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    Originally Posted by Grinity
    ...
    Some kids really hate the cold air on the skin that was so nicely covered by pajamas so recently. In the winter you can keep the jammies on and use them as long underwear.
    ....
    Best Wishes,
    Grinity


    GS8 does that. I bought him several pairs of thermal knit jammies that have sports patterns on them. They're almost identical to what the same manufacturer also sells as long underwear. He's always been easy to get up & dressed, but this stopped any whining about being cold when he got up.

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    squirt Offline OP
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    Thanks for all the great suggestions. For now, I've decided to just dress him without really giving him much of a choice. Like, put the t-shirt on over his head, unzip his jammies and get the arms right out of the jammies and into the shirt. That's worked the last two mornings.

    I'll reread all the posts and come up with a better plan. I've tired a lot of the ideas but for right now I just have decided not to fight the battle and just do it for him. Glad to know I'm not alone and others have had problems.

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    I'm all for trying to raise adults, but I do think you have to survive the day. If dressing him works for now, then I say do it!

    I mean, it's not like you'll be dressing him for college, right?! So, no worries! smile


    Kriston
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    Oh, darn it Dottie! You keep doing all you can to burst my happy little bubble of GT denial!

    It's just mean! Mean, I tell you!

    grin


    Kriston
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    Now that DS11 no longer sleeps in his tommorow clothes, I do sometimes stick his new clothes under the sheets for 15 mintues to warm them up. Acutally, now he gets up to an alarm and changes before he comes down and all DH or I do is lay them out on a chair the night before!

    Smiles,
    Grinity


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    Hi all,

    Last year we had a speaker at my dd school that had great ideas on how to resolve issues such as this one. I have been trying to find my notes and have finally found them!! Go to her website, www.calmerparenting.com and you will find great advice!

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