Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Do we prepare the child for the journey

or the journey for the child?

I heard this one the radio this morning and it got me thinking. I'm all for accomodations, etc., but at what point do we go too far? Every child has difficulties in life they must learn to face. Do we remove every stumbling block?

Well, I think we have to look at each individual case. But I've heard a lot more people here saying, "Am I a bad parent? Is this GTness relevant or not?" than I have heard people ignoring behavioral or other problems.

Granted, we're all self-reporting, but there seems to be a lot of introspection here about cause and effect. That usually works as an antidote to the sort of indulgence you're suggesting.

We all know indulgent parents though, and it's ugly when it happens. On a playdate, one GT child hit my son in the face with a toy--hard!--and the mom said, "Well, that was wrong, *but* he's had a rough time with the death of his grandmother...If he gets teased he acts out...etc." (Harumph! I was standing right there, and there was no teasing. I'd have stopped my son if there had been. It was a totally unprovoked act that was frankly shocking in its violence. And if the kid is having a reaction THAT inappropriate to his grandmother's death, he should be seeing a therapist and not having playdates!) Of course, in the face of such maternal waffling, the child wouldn't apologize. Obviously, that was our last playdate with that family!

Kids need limits. All kids! GT kids are still kids! But I think there are loads of obstacles facing HG+ kids, and we're not doing them a disservice by removing a few of them along the way if removing them makes the kids stronger, more capable, more positively self-aware (as opposed to prideful), and/or better able to contribute positively to society.

Just my opinion...

CFK - I definitely wonder the same thing. There are children and parents at our public school at all ends of the spectrum that have similar concerns and issues. Our school seems to be really great for self motivated, teacher pleasing types of kids.

I just really question the entire model they are using at our school. It seems very inefficient. Not to mention our particular grade has large classes - 26 per first grade class.

I know there are kids at our school that would be better served elsewhere - the GT magnet or another public school. But a lot of families have 2 full time working parents and can't drive across town twice a day or want have their child spending 1 1/2 on the bus a day. Or they lost the lottery like us on getting into their magnet.

What has pushed me over the edge is our son not only hates any academic part of school (he likes gym and recess!), he is truly not learning anything. I have not seen him bring one thing home this year that really looks like new material for him. If either part of that equation weren't there, we'd look harder at making it work.

I've been struggling w/ this question. Yet everyone I speak to tells me my son's issues are not normal. It's not normal for a chid to have stomach aches everyday before school. In K, he cried many, many, many evenings before bed, telling me how boring and awful his days are. I saw the love of life, learning just drain from him. It took over a month over the summer to see his personality return. Now, you can have a kid who is struggling w/ school and have the same outcome ie stomach aches etc. I've given him 3yrs to get used to the system and it hasn't happened. During school he is so difficult at home yet he's nice to be w/ during the summer.

I think as in everything, it's a continuum. If child just complains of noise but it doesn't adversely affect them, perhaps help them brainstorm ways to deal with. Sit in the quietest part of the lunch room etc. but if a child is so bothered he/she can not function - this needs to be addressed w/ OT, accommodations etc. After all, if they are in school to learn, and something is preventing them from learning, that something needs to be addressed. I don't think it's a giftedness issue.

If it was one subject my kid found boring, I'd help him to find coping strategies etc. That's learning to deal w/ and cope w/ adverse situations. But should a child who knew 85% of the curriculum the year or more before have to suffer through it year after year?

I think the question to ask is - is the *something* he is complaining about interfering with learning? Interfering with social relationships? Interfering with self-image?

CFK, I worry about just that, although DS's biggest issue is sensory-related, not GT. My biggest problem is that only the professionals and those with similar children understand how difficult it is for DS to function in that huge school everyday - you should see the hallways in the morning when 1100 5-8 year olds get off the bus and are putting their things in their lockers. It looks like the Lexington Avenue subway at rush hour, but with more physical contact. He doesn't like it, but he manages. Other kids don't even notice. For how long do we keep trying to bang the square peg into the round hole, and at what personal cost to him? As he says, he's missed out on his childhood. That's a sad statement coming from an at the time 6 year old. Ideally, he needs a small school which can address both his GT and his 2E. The problem is that there isn't one. We can choose one, or the other. Now what do we do?

It is a very interesting question and one of my favorite types since in my opinion it doesn't have a correct answer.

I certainly hope that as parents DH and I are preparing DS for the journey. I think with any child you have to accept that part of your challenge is figuring out how to teach them to go around the obstacles that they cannot go through while helping them to learn that they can go through alot more than they think. I think all children need to learn both how to persevere through a challenge and how to work around an obstacle. With some children the methods used to try to teach this skill will be different.

For example, a recent thread talked about a child that was getting bullied at school. This becomes an obstacle to work around on the journey rather than persevere through. Trying a new school or homeschooling in this situation seems to be a good step to teaching a child that you don't have to accept everything. Sometimes you need to be able to walk away and try a different path on the journey.

No matter if a child is in a PS, Homes schooled or Private school there will be challenges to be met and overcome. If a parent always takes the challenge away to smooth the journey, then I think we are creating the journey for the child instead of preparing the child for the journey. However, if no matter what, we make sure that our children have to make choices and deal with the consequences of those choices, then we are providing life long tools that will help the child on the journey. Sometimes the journey will take them soaring, other times it will be like slogging through a blizzard.

I guess for me it comes down to what can I do to help my child have the skills and tools for that journey based on the information I have right now.

I hope that didn't ramble too much!

"It is a very interesting question and one of my favorite types since in my opinion it doesn't have a correct answer"

I really love how you put that elh.

CFK-this is a valid and legitimate question and concern and I think it's totally appropriate to put it out here.

We're all a product of our experiences!
I've posted some of my story, but basically I feel I had been severely damaged by my parents and the schools inability to recognize significant sensitivities and overexcitabilities that are a part of my giftedness. And I do consider it a gift to be overly perceptive and imaginative and creative. It was certainly good intentions that drove their need to have me fit and and just be like everyone else, tough love as you will. But we all know what "they" say about good intentions
So, now it's my turn the make the decisions, God bless my parents!
And I'm sure I'll fumble the ball a bit, but I feel pretty confident that at the end of the game, my kids are going to walk away as winners, in every sense of the word.
Say my child IS a round peg in a square peg school. I've chosen not to totally isolate her from the puzzle. And that's my decision to make and I'll fully support and defend anyone whose made or will make a contrary decision, by the way.
BUT, when no one is looking I will sand the edges of that square hole a bit, to make the fit more comfortable. Does that hurt my child? I guess that remains to be seen. If anyone is sure they have THE answer, for sure, please let me know!!!!!!!!!

Love me or hate me, but remember, I come in peace!!!!!!!!

Neato

ROFL! Prepare for the battle cry: Helicopter parents unite, prepare to fight for your right to humiliate your child by showing up at lunch everyday!!!!!!

Good point Dottie! I like the way you put things!

Neato
still chuckling heartily

I love that you brought this up. I have wondered about this several times myself. I see lots of ND kids who have the same types of problems and they are just everyday, ordinary problems. I know ND kids who have stomach aches every day and don't want to go to school, who cry for the first several months of kindy (or older) because they don't want to be there, who's mothers have to walk up to get them at dismissal because they don't want to wait for the car line to go through, etc. They are having some adjustment problems but it has nothing to do with them being GT.

I certainly hope that I am preparing my children for the journey and not the other way around. Yes, I do want them to have the best possible educational fit they can have, but there is always going to be other types of problems that will come up. And I do want them to be resilient and able to tackle whatever comes their way.

Thanks for this thought provoking thread!!! (and I mean no offense to anyone either!)

See my comment about math wars and moderation!

I think we can all meet up in the middle and be in agreement on some points. I think it's when we get stuck in the extremes on one end or another that we get ourselves into trouble.

I so agree 'neato. Everyone is doing the best they can do for their children and I have learned soooooo much from the people here. I love that we can discuss these things too. Reminds me of my days in philosophy class......

This was exactly my experience growing up. It took a really long time to view some these aspects of giftedness as a positive thing.

I truly think if you listen to your gut as a parent, you will do right by your child. I think light sanding is needed for every child in certain areas!

I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth, CFK. Sorry if it seemed that way. But it is my opinion that what you're describing here would probably be indulgent and would NOT raise kids with the kind of values that I/we want them to have. FWIW...

Having just seen a child behaving VERY badly, with his mom using his GTness and sensitivity and every other excuse in the book to justify that behavior, and having just vented about it with a friend/parent of a GT child that it is possible to be GT AND well-behaved (!!!), I think there maybe *should* be some negative value attached to going too far with accomodations. (I just haven't seen anyone here doing that.)

I guess to me it's like the judge's ruling in that big pornography case some years ago: "I may not know the definition of going too far with accomodations, but I know it when I see it..."

I do think that as long as we're all asking the question, we're probably doing okay. The mom I keep referring to wasn't even asking the question. Ugh.

There's a book by the title "Raising Resilient Kids". The author has a website, too. The website was interesting, and I might see if the library has the book. It sounds like it might address this topic.

I think getting accomodations for special educational requirements is preparing the child for the journey, especially when we model adaptability when we run into brick walls.

LOL!

I've heard good things about "Raising Resilient Kids," but I have never gotten around to reading it. It sounds like a book I would really like. Thanks for reminding me, OHG!

I've thought a lot about this topic for several years. GS8 is easily 'annoyed', and then becomes disruptive at school. Those are the things I've been most concerned about when preparing him for the journey.
But to get him started on the right path, I've had to prepare the journey for him, a lot! His emotional responses are a part of him, his behavior is an outward response to inward feelings. If he can't take responsibility for his behavior yet, then I think I should step in, take that responsibility for a while as I hand it back to him. Kriston presented a good example, if GS(then 5) hit a child(actually I should say WHEN GS hit a child), I would step in, tell him that was not appropriate and ask him to apologize. If he couldn't take responsibility for his behavior, I would apologize for him, then remove him from those situations until he could behave appropriately. To some extent, I think that's preparing the child, but also preparing the journey for the child.

A runner has to work, train, and build up to running a marathon, and I see myself as GS8's trainer for this part of his journey. He doesn't know what I know and it's my job to prepare him. At 8, I'm responsible for this part of his journey. At 18, I expect him to be responsible for the majority of his journey. At that point, I hope to be just a trusted advisor.

I agree with this completely! I always say that I'm not raising children, I'm raising future adults, and I always try to keep my eye on that long-term goal in everything I do. I find it's a good check on my behavior and that of my kids.

I'm raising future adults Aaahhh, a woman after my own heart! That's what I say, too.

I knew it!

I find it so hard to be around parents who don't have this attitude. I just cringe to see it.

CFK - Although we haven't yet encountered problems related to the school setting, I wonder all the time if my child's behavior's are related to his age (4) versus his giftedness. My instincts tell me right now that most of his bad behavior is related to his age, but perhaps he's a little more creative about how he goes about it due to his giftedness. We'll just have to wait and see what happens when he gets to real school (not just 2 days of preschool).

Re: Kriston/OHGrandma - raising future adults. I have a concern that come from my parents' support of me. They always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. I always thought this was very cool of them. But this caused problems when it turned out I was pretty good at everything, and I couldn't decide on what I really wanted to do for work. I still don't know. How do you prepare your kids for this possibility or avoid it?

Who says you have to do just 1 thing? When I married I was working as a clerk/typist in a small library, which meant I did a lot of other things besides typing. Then I quit to farm full time with my husband, I grew up on a farm and that's what I wanted to do. The kids came along and I did some part-time work for another farmer who raised strawberries. I also started a farm market at our farm to sell produce during the summer. When they started school I worked the school hours at a greenhouse, and still did the farm market in the summer. When they were 8 & 10, I went to college, got associate degrees in Accounting and in Computer Science(in 1 year!) and got my job writing computer programs. I've been doing that for 18 years along with picking up more college classes, we switched our farm operation to raising cattle, I show cattle for fun & advertising our stock. After my day job, I dabble in writing programs for recording the cattle information. I've worked on an advisory board for the county mental health association. I'm the treasurer at our church. I've done other volunteer positions.
I earn enough money to be comfortable, and do enough different things to be happy. There's always something else that interests me and while I realize I can't do everything -- I don't have to do just one thing for the rest of my life. And the beauty of being a multi-tasker is learning things in one of my interests that benefit me in other interests.

Enjoy the journey, when you get to the destination, you're dead!

DH and I had the exact same problem you had, so we're very aware of it, too, SPG.

Our kids are only 3 and 6, so we're not yet *too* worried about this. But I expect to be a bit more directive/"pushy" about IDing my kids' special talents for them aloud than my parents were with me. And I plan to try to do more career exploration and interning with my kids, even at a young age, than my very well-meaning and generally excellent parents did for me. The sooner you can start weeding out things you don't want to do, the sooner you can start deciding what you DO want to do.

I think I'll also try to talk more about what they *enjoy* doing most and try to help them to think about those activities in terms of careers. I'm not necessarily a big believer in "doing what you love," though, as in taking a hobby and making it your career. In my personal experience, I think that can kill one's love of the hobby. Rather, I think it's important to select a career that involves duties and ideas that you care about but can do day-in and day-out for the rest of your life. That's a very different set of requirements than "do what you love."

I think of finding a career like finding a spouse: you not only need someone you love, you need someone you can live with, too!

What's your take, SPG?

OHGrandma - I'm totally there with you in thinking that you don't have to do just one thing. I worked in coffee shops and retail, worked in a hospital micro lab, helped write AIDS grants, worked for a medical research journal. Still bored, I went to law school. Law school was fun. I clerked at appellate court, edited at legal publishing co., helped someone get asylum, worked for legal info website, worked as "real lawyer." Hated being a real lawyer. I luckily got pregnant so I could worry about something else for awhile. I guess I'm still searching for what I love to do. So really, I'm writing on my own pitiful behalf, but still want to prepare my child so he doesn't end up like me! (sorry. off on tangent.)

Kriston - I like your idea of doing career explorations. I never really did that. I went to law school before I knew what lawyers really did!

I'm sorry your experience of doing what you love has turned sour. I'm still hoping that if I find something I love, I'll be set. I have to be more active like OHGrandma to actually find this though.

Here's what I do now. When DS4 is excited about something and talking about it all the time, I mention that there are people who do that for jobs, and wouldn't that be fun? So I'm just starting by planting it in his head that there are lots of fun and interesting jobs out there. I hope to teach him that if he has enough skills in whatever, he can take those skills with him (I don't think there are forever jobs anymore.)

This is a great question that I'd love an answer for! My parents always said the same thing. But then my father would mutter under his breath "as long as it pays your rent". I always felt an underlying pressure to pursue something fiscally responsible rather than perhaps following my true passions. I was a bit tortured in college choosing a major and it came down to what I was most GT in, and not necessarily what would have engaged and challenged me most. Which could possibly go all they way back to staring out the window for 8 years and underachieving (like 'neato!).

And I do agree Kriston that "doing what you love" isn't always the right path either. But there is a fine line. I would hope a career would engage you and continue to teach you for the long term. I also wonder if just not being under challenged and disengaged constantly in school is going to make a difference for these kids in helping them make some of these decisions?

I have BS degrees in math and Computer Science. And at certain points in my career this was creative, dynamic, and fun work (i.e. designing and building new web applications). At other times it has been pure mind numbing torture. Sometimes I just wish I would have taken a slightly different path. Possibly still using these skills - maybe to teach, maybe in architecture or design, etc.

Kimck - I am hoping this is it. I am hoping that if we challenge our GT kids enough, they will be drawn to what they want to do and will be enabled to do it at whatever level they want.

I'm sorry you felt the pressure to do something fiscally responsible. I think that just comes with the territory of being GT, and not necessarily with your father's "as long as it pays the rent" comments. You're just more responsible anyway. I did the same thing in the end. But as an undergrad, I started to follow my dream, but then quit when I discovered I had enough credits to graduate! (I started as a theatre major, changed to French, changed to architecture, then the school gave me loads of credit for testing into higher french, so I was outta there!)

If you all find me a person who is able to say: I found the path in life that is ALWAYS creative, dynamic, fun and totally meets my needs all the time and is NEVER, EVER, pure mindnumbing torture...........I might say that person's pants are on fire.

Rats. I really was hoping that fairy tales can come true.

Just to clarify, I ADORE writing my novel! I'm madly in love with my characters and the Norse people in general. But it wasn't a hobby at first. It was a practical project designed to keep me sane and to allow me to stay home with the kids. It's first and foremost a job I can live with.

OTOH, I studied lit because I had always loved to read. I decided to go for my Ph.D. and become a professor so that I could get paid to read. Sounds great, right? But during grad school, I read so much for work that I quickly began to shun bookstores and libraries. Books were not for fun anymore. Even now, some 10 years later, I don't read for pleasure like I used to. I enjoy books once I'm buried in them, but I'm not nearly as motivated as I used to be to open the book in the first place. I think that's sad.

Better to find a workable career that you can come to love, I think, then to risk killing a perfectly good lifelong hobby. Though I know that's contrary to much of the wisdom out there, it's my take.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Is that the job that is always creative and dynamic? "On-fire pants wearer?"

Hey! Where do I sign up for that gig!? What training do you have to get for that?

Haha, except I read "I might say that person's pants are on fire." as in "Liar, Liar, pants on fire!"

Yes, I think that's how 'Neato intended it. But I like imagining the job description:

Seeking: a dynamic, creative individual with a burning desire to get ahead, a warm spot in her heart for the unusual and the ability to get fired up for a job...

ROFL!!!

Hey - me too! A girl's got to dream!

Of course every job has it's downfall. I guess it's a matter of having enough passion and interest to make the not so fun parts worth it.

Edited to say - I also meant to say, I really think for me a lot of my lack of tolerance for these aspects of my previous career has to do with years of under achievement. Parenting has helped a lot with that!

What I've read is that most people do indeed do what they are 'best' at, but that for broadly Gifted children they have far too many choices. The trick is to do a career that agrees with their values. I loved reading this because looking back, that's what I did - I looked at the career in terms of how it serves other people and how I get satisfaction from serving.

I knew I'd need to interact one-to-one, in a fairly consentrated and hands-on way, and that I'd love interacting a large number of people. I knew that the job had to be one that supported me while being unambiguously helpful for the people I served. I looked at all the grown ups around me and analysed what they did in terms of my values. The only mistake I made was totally missing how satisfying parenting would be - that's the job that lights up all my 'delighted challenge' meter bulbs.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I guess this is what I'm searching for - people who figured it out. That is good advice (choosing a career that agrees with your values). So far, the only advice I was qualified to give my child was "don't do what I did." So thanks everyone for the useful nuggets.

I too have found that parenting is a delightful challenge, and I'm having a lot of fun. So for now, I'm happy. Poor, but happy!

Kimck - sent you a PM.

I read this recently:

The Prodigy Puzzle by Anne Hulbert

You can find it on:

http://www.hunter.cuny.edu/gifted-ed/news.shtml

It talked about a group of Davidson fellows being honored. Most were in the sciences. There was one poetry person. It was interesting read, I thought.

Ren

I read about a quarter of the way through that article and found this:

Sometimes I wonder about that, and try to leave enough bumps in the road for GS8 to learn to navigate himself. It can be a daunting task of knowing if a bump is just a bump he needs to jump himself and learn the feeling of accomplishment, or if it will turn into a roadblock leaving him feel defeated.

This kind of self-knowledge is the stuff that I think is really helpful. Well done, Grinity! It's what I was getting at about needing the career path to be practical for you. If you are someone who needs one-on-one contact, you shouldn't choose a job that requires you to work alone, nor should you choose one that puts you in front of huge groups. THIS is the kind of nuts-and-bolts self-knowledge that I think kids need to get before they choose a career.

It's also what I didn't do...

So the key, I think, is KNOW THYSELF!

Me too! Parenting really is wonderful on so many levels. I'm just fine with being (relatively) poor, but happy. I still have this nasty latte habit I'm trying to break.

Got the PM!

Get a cappuchino maker, kimck! They're not that expensive anymore, and then you can afford your latte habit (and still pay for college eventually!).

I have a Tassimo and I LOVE it!!!! (totally off topic I know)

Thanks for the compliment Kriston.
The amount of human interaction is part of it. But so is the 'am I harming the earth or the creatures in it.' And so is the 'How long until I get positive feedback?' Years-months-hours-minutes?

My job is on a 20 minute feedback track - I just didn't think I had it in me to work away without strokes for years at a time.

I've closely observed people who get an absolute thrill in selling something to someone. A small victory that has nothing to do with if the thing they are selling has value, just the idea of winning. I don't blame a person for enjoying that if it's the only availible way to make a living, but I'm terribly grateful that I am able to make a good living without selling folks junk. Then there are the folks who really believe in their product, not so much because the product is good, but in order to feel good about themselves and important.

Well I hope I haven't offended 10,000 people just now - sorry. I do indeed realise how lucky I was to be able to pick, and also how lucky I was to have enough self-knowledge to pick well enough. For all that, I still don't feel like I get a chance to use my actual main strengths that often during the day, and think that if I had gotten academic challenge earlier, I would have been more likely to make the 'big' contribution I am supposed to be making. ((LOL!)) But there is time, I hope, for that. Perhaps that will grow out of my hobby - growing the Gifted Movement!

Smiles,
Grinty

How come you guys make me cry?
Aline

I don't know Aline, why do we make you cry?

ok, I'll guess, if you promise to tell me if I was right, ok?
It's because growing up you felt like you didn't fit in and here you feel like you do? If so ((big long hug)) Welcome Home dear!

Show-offy Smiles,
Grinity

You just said it all so much better than I did, Grins. Thanks!

Aw Grin ... I'm going to cry now too!

LOL!

ROFL! Thanks Dottie!

ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!

Ha - I was just waiting for that! Come on - a little love for the INFJ's in the crowd.

Sniff, dottie LOL and remember I'm an INFP --- I am still and deep... Rampant emotionalism, indeed!
aline

Whereas I am noisy and shallow! Har!

I had a day yesterday that I thought applied to this thread, so I'm resurrecting it...

Yesterday we went to a home school basketball day, where DS6 could learn a little about how to play the game without pressure or competition. It's part of our HS group's Olympics event that takes place between now and August 8, when the real summer Olympics begins. They get to try pretty much every Olympic sport that they want to try, partly for fun and to make friends (plus all the history, geography, etc. that we can cram in!), but partly to see how hard the sports really are. It's good stuff.

Anyway, DS6 has a thing about basketball--he thinks he's bad at it because he can't make baskets easily, even though virtually no 6yos can make baskets easily on the full-sized basket! It's the one place where I REALLY see his perfectionism, so this basketball day was just the thing for him!

He participated fine during the training camp part of the day. Then they were going to play a little scrimmage, and he didn't want to. He said, "I can learn by watching them play, too." No way was I letting him get away with that! He even cried a little because he was scared to fail, but I really thought he needed to try it.

I said that he had to be one the floor for one series of plays. If he hated it and wanted to sit down then, he could. The other boys on his team were really kind to him, telling him that no one in their age bracket had ever played a real game, and that just trying the game was what they were there for, too. It was GREAT!

He looked very uncomfortable on the floor at first, but he got out there. Once the ball came his way, though, he was all over it! I don't know how many jump balls he caused, but he really had the defense thing down! He was most excited when he got to handle the ball--"twice in a row, Mom!" he grinned.

Would he have oversome that obstacle if I weren't doing all the things I'm doing? The homeschooling, the gentle (but firm) pushing? Would a teacher have required him to get out there, tears or no?

I sincerely doubt it!

My point? Far from easing his way too much, I think DS6 is being challenged in ways that are really good for him. He's getting to overcome obstacles. I mean, one of the main reasons I'm HSing him is to make his way harder. I'm very conscious of that, and I don't think anyone but his mom or dad is going to do that for him.

Next we have to tackle kickball, since he has the same reaction to it that he had to basketball, apparently after some playground trauma at school last fall...

That's great that you got your son out there. Sports are an issue in our house, too. We have been waffling for the last year or so on how much to push on getting DS4 out there. It's good to hear about your positive experience.

My DS4 sounds like your son and his "i can learn by watching" comment. DH was big into hockey, and wanted DS4 to be too. He got him skates when he was 2! (of course the smallest skates didn't fit DS until he was late 3). DH signed him up for the hockey clinic in our hockey town, and it was a disaster. He did not want to try something new in front of so many other people. So DH, not one for giving up on his Stanley cup dreams for DS, built a rink in the back yard and gave DS the choice of having hockey practice at the arena or in the backyard. He of course chose the back yard. Once DS was pretty stable on the skates, he said, "Dad, I don't really like hockey. I want to play soccer."

We've had issues with Y classes too, because there are too many kids. Since he's just 4, and small for his age, I haven't wanted to force the issue too much, but I do really want him to try things I know he'll like.

BTW, the HS olympics sounds fabulous!

Oh, I so agree!

I feel the same waffle-y way, especially in competitive situations, even those that are mildly so. Even Y classes have a competitive component that might not be great for a perfectionist trying something new. Plus the commitment of X number of weeks, whether it's a good experience or not.

The Olympics are perfect for us, because there's no "build an ice rink in your backyard" commitment. (LOL!) It's one day, and the whole point is to see how hard it is, that is, to see how bad you really are at that sport so that you can appreciate how good the Olympic athletes are. Perfect for undermining perfectionism!

I guess what I'm saying is that before he gets to those competitive situations, he needs to feel like it's safe to try something hard and be bad at it. He's rarely had that experience, so that's one of the things I'm really focusing on for our homeschool experience. Try new things, maybe be bad at them, but life goes on! Then when he gets older and is in more highly competitive situations, he's ready for them.

Baby steps. When I worked for the Girl Scouts, we called it "progression." Challenge kids, but make the challenges ones that they have a high probability of succeeding at because they have the tools they need. Then, when they've mastered one challenge, give them more and harder. It's a strategy that builds real, useful confidence as well as the ability to handle responsibility and independence. It also makes kids more resiliant...and that's all good stuff!

I think preparing my child for the journey is letting him learn about how things work in the real world and not putting him in school with a group of age mates who are nothing like him, where he would be teased because he is a twice exceptional, musical theater, spelling bee, trivia loving kind of kid instead of a sports kid. My son says sports kids rule the school and it is true.

I used to worry that my son saw too much of the "real world" as a homeschooler. I thought I should fight to get him into our public school at least part time to get away from a part of our life that I thought was too scary and ugly and emotionally draining for a nine year old to have to deal with.

I know it is sometimes hard for him to remember the way his grandmother was five years ago, before the surgery that left her with brain damage and memory loss to the point that she couldn't remember him. She was also left with short term memory loss and this made her favorite activity in life--reading--an impossibility. Like my son, she was very smart and loved trivia and was very good at spelling and crossword puzzles. Because she read a lot she was very good at answering Jeopardy questions. My son had just bought his first Trivial Pursuit game before she went into the hospital and I thought this would be something they could enjoy doing together.

But after her surgery, she was very different because of the brain damage. His grandmother who loved him so much couldn't even remember him. He seemed to understand when we explained why she was like this now. He understood that she would probably never even be able to watch a video of his musical theater performances or listen to him play piano even though she was very interested in these things before she became ill. Before he turned five, he understood her new sensory issues, especially the sensitivity to sound, because he also has some sensory issues, and he volunteered to sit with her while the adults walked around the yard to look at the flowers my mother once loved.

But I now realize that my nine year old understands things that so many adults in our family don't, because they have not reached that level of maturity in their entire lives. My son is able to look past the ugliness and difficulties of life and see the good in it that I sometimes have trouble seeing. He could look past the fact that my mother has pulled out most of her hair now because of the anxiety that doctors can't control because she is already maxed out on the anxiety medication. He understands that she sometimes says things that she would never have said before she became ill. He told a friend a few years ago that she was very smart but it was "ephemeral" intelligence because it only lasted a very short time. He could see that her eyes lit up when he talked about the things he was learning and the books he was reading and the spelling bee that he participated in. He notices that she sometimes comes out of this "Twilight Zone" world that she lives in when he asks her if she knows how to spell a difficult word and she can. He discovered that she still remembers her multiplication tables and can still answer some trivia questions and this makes her happy. He felt good about figuring out how to bring her out of this awful world she lives in even thought it is just for a few minutes. He sometimes makes her laugh and this is like the ultimate reward for him. When he overheard me tell my husband that I would rather die than be like my mother because I worried about what it would do to my family, my son told me that he would rather have me here even if like his grandmother, it was just for a few minutes out of the day. He could still hug me.

My parents live next door to us, so when my father had to go into the hospital unexpectedly for surgery, my son helped me take care of my mother and patiently answered her questions about where my father was over and over. She couldn't remember for more than about 30 seconds and she was afraid. My son helped keep me calm with his amazing sense of humor that comes out even under the most difficult circumstances. I think he even understood why some adults in our family didn't come to help us. Because of some difficult real life circumstances he has developed an inner strength that some people never develop. He knows what really matters in life. I think it has shaped who he is in a positive way.

He has had to live with me and my anxiety issues which became much worse after my mother suddenly became ill about the same time we found out that our state education system does not require an appropriate education for twice exceptional kids and that support systems we thought were there were not there for us. He told me a few years ago that I needed to deal with "what is" and not worry about "what should be." He says he just wants me to stop worrying about everything. He learned to deal with the real world through his humor and intelligence.

When we read and discuss books it is obvious from his comments and questions that he understands what it is like being a "minority." I think he understands some things at a deeper level than a lot of adults. I think he read his sister's psychology book in a quest to figure out why people behave the way they do. He understands that children and adults who behave like bullies could have issues that affect their behavior.

Recently, we went to a history museum and noticed a group of private school students in their nice uniforms and once again, I started wondering if my son was missing something by not being in school with a group of kids. They seemed to be having a good time with each other. After we finished our lunch upstairs, we looked down to see the private school kids with their sack lunches sitting on the floor. My son pointed to one boy, sitting by himself, quietly eating his lunch. The boy seemed to be lost in his thoughts. My son told me that would be him if I put him in school. He said it somehow reminded him of "Camazotz" from "A Wrinkle in Time" and that boy was the different one. He said if I put him in school he would still be like that boy.

He also said he knew some people would worry about this boy's social skills because he was sitting by himself, but he thought the boy was happy sitting by himself. My son wants to know who these people are that think they can decide for other people how they should be and that anyone who is different in some way has a problem. He once told me that he thinks different is sometimes better and that he is not going to let other people decide for him how he should be. He tells me that I need to stop worrying about what other people think.

We talk in depth about real life family situations. He sees his older sister struggling to work and go to school and he can see that it might be a good idea for him to take some college classes earlier than most kids. We have talked about this lately and he doesn't think his childhood would be cut short by doing this. He can see that his life might be a little easier later on. He thinks more about his future than his sister did at this age. He seems so much more mature.

We talked about the promotion that his dad recently got after just two months on a the new job he started after retiring from his old one. All of the people who interviewed for the supervisor's job had a college degree, but it was his dad's people skills and sense of humor and his leadership ability and his ability to write well on the required test that earned him the promotion. These are the skills that my son will have because I did not make him go the the "everybody must color in the lines and everybody must learn the same way" school.

Wow. That brought tears to my eyes, Lori. What a special little boy you have there.

They don't lower the goal for the younger kids? In our 6-8 age group, they play on an 8-ft. goal. Even that is pretty hard for some of the little ones.

Lori, what a wonderful kid & the relationship you have with him. You are pretty special yourself for providing what he needs to grow into a caring & loving person.

No way to do it at that gym. It was a surprise to the person in charge. I guess that's one drawback of the "not an organized league that owns their own facilities," but it worked out well for us given my goals for the day!

Kriston,
Yes, it did work out well for you! I'm glad DS6 was able to let loose a little and overcome his insecurity.

Wow, Lori. What a powerful description of you and your son. All the best to you and your family.

Lori,
Thanks for sharing. It is fantastic that your son shares so much with you.

Wow Lori. You are very lucky to have such a special child.

Kriston,

I love that you are gently coaxing your son out of his comfort zone, little bits at a time.
I try to do the same because I think it's very important.
Kids develop self esteem when they have a chance to succeed in something they think is "too hard".

Lori,

You sound like an amazing mom with an equally amazing son. What intelligence and incredible coping skills he has!
I think, 2E issues and all, he will grow up to be very successful in his life!

Neato

Thanks, 'Neato!