Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Do we prepare the child for the journey

or the journey for the child?

I heard this one the radio this morning and it got me thinking. I'm all for accomodations, etc., but at what point do we go too far? Every child has difficulties in life they must learn to face. Do we remove every stumbling block?

Well, I think we have to look at each individual case. But I've heard a lot more people here saying, "Am I a bad parent? Is this GTness relevant or not?" than I have heard people ignoring behavioral or other problems.

Granted, we're all self-reporting, but there seems to be a lot of introspection here about cause and effect. That usually works as an antidote to the sort of indulgence you're suggesting.

We all know indulgent parents though, and it's ugly when it happens. On a playdate, one GT child hit my son in the face with a toy--hard!--and the mom said, "Well, that was wrong, *but* he's had a rough time with the death of his grandmother...If he gets teased he acts out...etc." (Harumph! I was standing right there, and there was no teasing. I'd have stopped my son if there had been. It was a totally unprovoked act that was frankly shocking in its violence. And if the kid is having a reaction THAT inappropriate to his grandmother's death, he should be seeing a therapist and not having playdates!) Of course, in the face of such maternal waffling, the child wouldn't apologize. Obviously, that was our last playdate with that family!

Kids need limits. All kids! GT kids are still kids! But I think there are loads of obstacles facing HG+ kids, and we're not doing them a disservice by removing a few of them along the way if removing them makes the kids stronger, more capable, more positively self-aware (as opposed to prideful), and/or better able to contribute positively to society.

Just my opinion...

CFK - I definitely wonder the same thing. There are children and parents at our public school at all ends of the spectrum that have similar concerns and issues. Our school seems to be really great for self motivated, teacher pleasing types of kids.

I just really question the entire model they are using at our school. It seems very inefficient. Not to mention our particular grade has large classes - 26 per first grade class.

I know there are kids at our school that would be better served elsewhere - the GT magnet or another public school. But a lot of families have 2 full time working parents and can't drive across town twice a day or want have their child spending 1 1/2 on the bus a day. Or they lost the lottery like us on getting into their magnet.

What has pushed me over the edge is our son not only hates any academic part of school (he likes gym and recess!), he is truly not learning anything. I have not seen him bring one thing home this year that really looks like new material for him. If either part of that equation weren't there, we'd look harder at making it work.

I've been struggling w/ this question. Yet everyone I speak to tells me my son's issues are not normal. It's not normal for a chid to have stomach aches everyday before school. In K, he cried many, many, many evenings before bed, telling me how boring and awful his days are. I saw the love of life, learning just drain from him. It took over a month over the summer to see his personality return. Now, you can have a kid who is struggling w/ school and have the same outcome ie stomach aches etc. I've given him 3yrs to get used to the system and it hasn't happened. During school he is so difficult at home yet he's nice to be w/ during the summer.

I think as in everything, it's a continuum. If child just complains of noise but it doesn't adversely affect them, perhaps help them brainstorm ways to deal with. Sit in the quietest part of the lunch room etc. but if a child is so bothered he/she can not function - this needs to be addressed w/ OT, accommodations etc. After all, if they are in school to learn, and something is preventing them from learning, that something needs to be addressed. I don't think it's a giftedness issue.

If it was one subject my kid found boring, I'd help him to find coping strategies etc. That's learning to deal w/ and cope w/ adverse situations. But should a child who knew 85% of the curriculum the year or more before have to suffer through it year after year?

I think the question to ask is - is the *something* he is complaining about interfering with learning? Interfering with social relationships? Interfering with self-image?

CFK, I worry about just that, although DS's biggest issue is sensory-related, not GT. My biggest problem is that only the professionals and those with similar children understand how difficult it is for DS to function in that huge school everyday - you should see the hallways in the morning when 1100 5-8 year olds get off the bus and are putting their things in their lockers. It looks like the Lexington Avenue subway at rush hour, but with more physical contact. He doesn't like it, but he manages. Other kids don't even notice. For how long do we keep trying to bang the square peg into the round hole, and at what personal cost to him? As he says, he's missed out on his childhood. That's a sad statement coming from an at the time 6 year old. Ideally, he needs a small school which can address both his GT and his 2E. The problem is that there isn't one. We can choose one, or the other. Now what do we do?

It is a very interesting question and one of my favorite types since in my opinion it doesn't have a correct answer.

I certainly hope that as parents DH and I are preparing DS for the journey. I think with any child you have to accept that part of your challenge is figuring out how to teach them to go around the obstacles that they cannot go through while helping them to learn that they can go through alot more than they think. I think all children need to learn both how to persevere through a challenge and how to work around an obstacle. With some children the methods used to try to teach this skill will be different.

For example, a recent thread talked about a child that was getting bullied at school. This becomes an obstacle to work around on the journey rather than persevere through. Trying a new school or homeschooling in this situation seems to be a good step to teaching a child that you don't have to accept everything. Sometimes you need to be able to walk away and try a different path on the journey.

No matter if a child is in a PS, Homes schooled or Private school there will be challenges to be met and overcome. If a parent always takes the challenge away to smooth the journey, then I think we are creating the journey for the child instead of preparing the child for the journey. However, if no matter what, we make sure that our children have to make choices and deal with the consequences of those choices, then we are providing life long tools that will help the child on the journey. Sometimes the journey will take them soaring, other times it will be like slogging through a blizzard.

I guess for me it comes down to what can I do to help my child have the skills and tools for that journey based on the information I have right now.

I hope that didn't ramble too much!

"It is a very interesting question and one of my favorite types since in my opinion it doesn't have a correct answer"

I really love how you put that elh.

CFK-this is a valid and legitimate question and concern and I think it's totally appropriate to put it out here.

We're all a product of our experiences!
I've posted some of my story, but basically I feel I had been severely damaged by my parents and the schools inability to recognize significant sensitivities and overexcitabilities that are a part of my giftedness. And I do consider it a gift to be overly perceptive and imaginative and creative. It was certainly good intentions that drove their need to have me fit and and just be like everyone else, tough love as you will. But we all know what "they" say about good intentions
So, now it's my turn the make the decisions, God bless my parents!
And I'm sure I'll fumble the ball a bit, but I feel pretty confident that at the end of the game, my kids are going to walk away as winners, in every sense of the word.
Say my child IS a round peg in a square peg school. I've chosen not to totally isolate her from the puzzle. And that's my decision to make and I'll fully support and defend anyone whose made or will make a contrary decision, by the way.
BUT, when no one is looking I will sand the edges of that square hole a bit, to make the fit more comfortable. Does that hurt my child? I guess that remains to be seen. If anyone is sure they have THE answer, for sure, please let me know!!!!!!!!!

Love me or hate me, but remember, I come in peace!!!!!!!!

Neato

ROFL! Prepare for the battle cry: Helicopter parents unite, prepare to fight for your right to humiliate your child by showing up at lunch everyday!!!!!!

Good point Dottie! I like the way you put things!

Neato
still chuckling heartily

I love that you brought this up. I have wondered about this several times myself. I see lots of ND kids who have the same types of problems and they are just everyday, ordinary problems. I know ND kids who have stomach aches every day and don't want to go to school, who cry for the first several months of kindy (or older) because they don't want to be there, who's mothers have to walk up to get them at dismissal because they don't want to wait for the car line to go through, etc. They are having some adjustment problems but it has nothing to do with them being GT.

I certainly hope that I am preparing my children for the journey and not the other way around. Yes, I do want them to have the best possible educational fit they can have, but there is always going to be other types of problems that will come up. And I do want them to be resilient and able to tackle whatever comes their way.

Thanks for this thought provoking thread!!! (and I mean no offense to anyone either!)

See my comment about math wars and moderation!

I think we can all meet up in the middle and be in agreement on some points. I think it's when we get stuck in the extremes on one end or another that we get ourselves into trouble.