Yes--this is just totally ridiculous.

The main reason to have dealings with a psychiatrist is if you want meds. I am not in a position to judge whether you want meds; I know firsthand that for an anxious person an SSRI can be life-changing in a very positive way; but that is a personal decision. To me, it looks like skipping a step to arrive at meds without a thorough neuropsych workup first.

The neuropsych eval you have scheduled for October-- I assume it is a comprehensive workup?-- sounds much more appropriate to me. If they refer you to a PSYCHOLOGIST (not psychiatrist) to treat the anxiety through cognitive-behavioral means, I would absolutely go for that. (IMO talk therapy for children is far less impressive in its results.)



Why are they asking you specifically to see a psychiatrist as opposed to a psychologist? It is not part of their brief to insist that you medicate your DD. (Again, you will hear nothing against anxiety meds from me, but they are not supposed to pressure you or to recommend medications. They are not qualified to do that.)



That's not a position, that's grandstanding. Negotiating based on future hypotheticals. It sounds as though so far you haven't asked them for things that aren't in the IEP. I don't know why they would expect you to suddenly do otherwise.

Have you talked to the lawyer yet about next steps? What does the consultant say?



Is the new DSS or any of the superintendents acknowledging the prior IEP violation? You have that in writing, yes?

I think that is why I lean toward involving the lawyer; these folks are hedging, taking advantage, stalling, and evading their obligations.



Another good reason to have your own attorney involved.



If you can get on a cancellation list and do the neuropsych sooner, so you have a "summer/happy" baseline, that is not a terrible idea, as long as they are willing to see her again in the fall as a followup once school has upped the anxiety again. Otherwise, I think keep your October appointment, and you can let the district know that you feel that "we will all get sufficient information from that evaluation to make plans moving forward."



I think you are being reasonable. They are painting you as unreasonable; all the more reason to stay calm, use your experts, and stick resolutely to the key issues. You must be, beyond a shadow of a doubt, more reasonable than they are, yet also persistent.



Yes, a power struggle that became personal, with a principal who has not had sufficient training to understand what is mandated by law. Awful.

Your lawyer will advise you. If they come back at you with a color chart, I'd get the State Department of Ed on the phone ASAP as well as file a written complaint with them. And whatever else the lawyer recommends.

Your DD is entitled to a public education that meets her needs!

Hang in there.

DeeDee

I have a couple of thoughts to throw at you.

First, I think you need to think simultaneously in two different directions. The first direction is your dd and what you can do as a parent to help her learn and grow and get to adulthood in the best shape possible. That may mean carefully treating her anxiety, and avoiding triggering experiences that she feels helpless to deal with.

The other path is your case with the school system. Your lawyer and consultant will advise you on how best to work with the law to get the school to do what is needed for your dd. But, be careful to leave much of that to them while you focus on nurturing your dd. It's personal with the principal, but it doesn't need to be personal with you.

That view is just my opinion. I can't tell you how many times people have told me that I should force the school to follow the law. Which is true if I were an activist. But I step back and think about if it's worth it to my DS. Sometimes it is, especially if we are still doing better than my plan B or C. But sometimes it isn't. Again, just my opinion, but you may want to begin to think about where those lines are for you and your dd.
Especially if it turns out that the color chart is only used through second grade.

My other thought is that it doesn't matter if you bring up other things, change your story, etc. Your child is changing (hopefully) and you will continue to advocate for her current needs. You don't want to be stuck advocating for who she was two years ago! You don't have to be consistent. And I'd refuse to agree to be consistent. You need to be adaptable as does the school, not consistent.

Your dd does need an education that works for her in a nurturing environment. Here's hoping that with the principal marginalized, you can get to it in a more harmonious process.

Thanks dg, DeeDee and mon. To be clear I am not opposed to medication if it is needed - I am just really, REALLY uncomfortable with the idea that someone would be talking about medicating a 7 year old without even meeting her. She is not psychotic, she does not hear voices, she is not a behavior problem - she is a happy, cheerful, outgoing little girl who reacts to stimuli that remind her of a really terrible school situation. The kid I am living with now is the same one I had before she ever stepped foot in that AIM. The same kid we had for the first few months at the public before the substitute yelled and threatened and reminded her of AIM. When she does get triggered she responds by withdrawing, getting quiet and developing physical symptoms. I have been told in no uncertain terms that if she threw chairs and broke windows the school would be more than willing to provide the kind of environment needed to make her comfortable. She only got pushed to "meltdown level' a couple of times last year. Each one in response to AIM stimuli, and one leading to the IEP violation letter.

We have not yet hired the attorney - the idea was to try to get the year started relatively amicably and move to legal action only if needed. The assumption was that the superintendent would never be able to justify to the board of education spending the money to go to mediation over a color chart when the alternative is free. I assume the district is cueing up in case we pull the trigger on due process. We were going to wait to actually hire the lawyer until we saw what they do or do not agree to do with the classroom placement.

Yes we are on a cancellation list for the neuropsych but not holding out much hope. THAT one I would like to do during the summer - much more likely to get an accurate read on her when her anxiety isn't already triggered. It's a psych eval during the summer that concerns me. My current thought - and PLEASE weigh in - is to tell them that we will not submit to a psychiatric evaluation unless/until recommended by the DPsy I am comfortable with or the neuropsych. While I would love to have DD start with the DPsy now we have already spent many, many thousands of dollars on all of this - spending more on her services before insurance approves her is hard to justify. We will wait until she is approved unless the district wants to pay for her to start during the summer. If she recommends a psychiatrist no problem - we'll go. And we'll submit it through our insurance so there is no added cost to the district. If neither DPsy nor neuropsych think psychiatrist is needed then we won't put DD through it. Does this sound reasonable?

Yes Dee Dee, the IEP violation is in writing from former DSS. I think my plan to not insist, force, bribe, cajole her to be in school if she feels unsafe is probably what you are talking about MON. I will make a concerted effort to let the folk at school handle what happens in school. I was forced to be involved last year (i.e. when I saw they were doing NO differentiation) but will try my best to resist this year. For example if the homework they send home is not appropriate, or DD is reluctant - I will not force the issue. They will need to find the level, presentation style, amount, etc that works with her LD's. They have already made sure we know that enrichment is on us. They can do the rest.

Yep...pyschiatrists most often see patients in need of medications and medical management of their mental health. I have worked with some amazing child Psychs....but they are few and far between. However, their M.D. carries the most clout diagnostically. If a well-respected psych concludes that your DD's struggles are due to an impairing medical condition requiring specific intervention in her school envionment, schools listen. The trick is finding the gem among dozens and dozens of duds.

I would be uncomfortable with that too. And, indeed, uncomfortable pursuing meds without confidence in the judgment and training of the prescriber generally. (We have a specialist developmental pediatrician who prescribes for DS; she knows what she is doing, and knows him very well.)



How often are the triggers? Is she cheery between times?

Is the "no color chart" specified in the IEP? Sounds like maybe not?



That sounds reasonable.



Yep. You don't ever have to see the practitioner they wanted; they cannot force you to, and they should not try to pressure you on the choice of practitioners for your DD. This is a health care matter (with privacy rights) as well as a school management issue.



I believe that MON's and my experiences differ both in how far we are willing to go in adversarial situations, and in outcomes. I read MON as saying, don't fight unless you decide it's worth it to your DD to put in the effort there. MON is right that all this adversarial garbage does actually take time away from nurturing the actual kid to some extent. (MON, I hope you feel I am representing your position appropriately.)

On the other hand-- my feeling is that if you can set up a situation that will genuinely work for her, it's worth some trouble to you in the short term. It will also in the process educate school staff about her needs. Our experience was that we had to bring really significant resources to bear (time, money, ugh) to get DS properly served, but then once his needs were understood the principal came around and really met those needs with appropriate supports and placements; DS has thrived for the past two years. By being firm and reasonable, we left room for them to come around and work with us, and it is a very cordial and respectful relationship now.

I am not sure what will happen with your rogue principal in this vein, but if some other school staff were to help you, including the classroom teacher and the DSS, you would need less from the prinicipal; if s/he doesn't want to be bothered, your DD's success will reduce her load, not add to it.

I'm sorry that it is so awful for you at the moment. One way or another, you will fix it.

DeeDee

Thanks. It's hard to imagine where I would be if I didn't have you all to think this through with. Sorry so long but writing this out helps to clarify my thinking and also gives you the opportunity to help with any advice, expertise, experience you may have. Thanks in advance.

It has really, truly become an unreasonable situation since the former DSS left. You are right that just because this has become personal for the principal I don't have to respond in kind. I DO have to make sure that I remain as reasonable as humanly possible. I am not interested in fighting with the district - I am interested in getting my child an education. To do this we need to ensure not only her LD issues are being addressed (and I believe that they are) but also that her anxiety is not triggered to the point that she develops full blown school refusal. If she cannot enter or remain in her classroom for a full day, day in and day out, she by definition - I believe anyway - is not being provided the opportunity to access her free and appropriate public education. It really is that simple.

So after the meeting the other day and all the debate over whether or not we submit her for a psychiatric consult it appears to be a moot point. The district came back and said their lawyer wants us to agree to mediation with a mediator provided by the dept of education. We said "Only if you plan to pay our legal fees." We had already come to the realization that mediation would be fruitless - there is barely any chance of coming to any sort of meaningful conclusion and the $3k-$4k it would cost in legal fees is better spent paying for the psychotherapist until our insurance approves her or being put towards legal fees later if we get to due process. Our consultant reiterated 'This is all about a color chart - a color chart!" The new DSS said that she thought "it's about a lot more than that" - apparently our dissatisfaction with the entire school situation. Consultant tried to explain that no, it is really just about providing a classroom that will not instantly trigger her anxiety. Somehow this message is not getting through to them. Ever since the former DSS - who is trained as a school psychologist and was the ONLY person from the district who seemed to understand the anxiety issues at play - moved on we are left discussing this with people who have absolutely no clue. The lack of training and oversight is really, really scary.

So we have decided to focus ONLY on how we are going to get DD through the crisis we see looming before her. We will start with the psychotherapist next week even if insurance is not approved. We will discuss with her how to tell DD that yes, she will be in a classroom with a color chart. I am leaning towards asking the therapist to tell her. This way I don't have to be the bad guy, it reduces their ability to claim that we somehow intentionally triggered her by catastrophizing (sp? spell check isn't recognizing my word - sorry) the situation and it gives her the ability to document in a clinical way how she responds. Right now she is truly a happy, cheerful, confident, outgoing little girl. We are trying to enjoy it while it lasts and think it will be meaningful for the therapist to see her like this while school is not in session.

We will also come up with a plan with our pediatrician about how to handle the anxiety once it is triggered. From my reading I am now understanding that we technically already had a school refusal situation last year. Not only did she ask most days not to go but for months she spent some or most of just about everyday in the nurses office. I was called to pick her up early more than 30 times in the last few months of school. I eventually started offering "rewards" for staying in her classroom all day. Luckily it worked - she still had headaches most days but refused to go to the nurse. Instead she would tell the teacher "I feel awful but I'm toughing it out."

My rule was she HAD to go to school unless she had a fever. There were weeks at a time that she insisted on taking her temperature every morning before heading to the school bus. (Luckily I had thought to back off the first rule - you have to go unless you have a fever or are throwing up. THAT could have been ugly...) At the worst of it our pediatrician wanted us to pull her out of school - suggesting home schooling or home bound tutoring. We decided against it feeling that we didn't want to establish a precedent of her not having to go to school since we had a really good teacher and classroom for her. That is going to be different this year. After the last IEP meeting pediatrician and I discussed it and she said "If they are intentionally antagonizing her anxiety then no, she cannot be there." I am leaning towards setting up something in advance like - 3 days in one week where she is at the nurses office more than twice, we are contacted to pick her up early or she refuses to go we trigger the home bound tutoring. We will also need to ensure that the classroom teacher records EVERY TIME she says she doesn't feel well, asks to go to the nurse or otherwise appears anxious. I am convinced that they will handle this situation by instructing the teacher NOT to send her to the nurse unless she is vomiting and instruct the nurse not to call us unless she has a fever or otherwise appears to be contagious. I believe that this will likely trigger absolute refusal and probably make the situation even worse...

So, as MoN pointed out I am focusing on my daughter - only my daughter. I did not enter this looking for a fight and I will not be dragged into one because of the principal's ego or the district being in chaos since losing the one person who fully understood the situation. I will not give up her rights to a free and appropriate public education. Nor will I send her into an intentionally antagonizing situation. If it gets to the point of needing home bound tutoring we will rely on the expertise of this therapist with experience is school phobia to formulate a plan. If necessary we will indeed go to due process to seek an out of district placement but we will do it only once we have been assured by legal council that we have dotted every "i" and crossed every "t" so that we can be successful. THEY are the ones that have the federal mandate to educate her. Personally I think it would be easier, cheaper and better for DD if they provided an appropriate classroom in her local public school but hey, what do I know, I'm only her mother...

I'm so glad you have a psychotherapist with school phobia experience. I hope she turns out to be a good fit for you and your daughter and is a source of the support you desperately need.

It's kind of funny that they say "it's about much more than a color chart". I wish the follow up question: "what do you think it's about?" had been asked. It does seem like the school system is trying to make it about much more, taking the focus off your dd and onto legal posturing. You and your consultant are appropriately redirecting them right back to the point.

I imagine their lawyers and administrators are most comfortable with dealing with legal technicalities, and bargaining, and really aren't familiar with what true education looks like. (Which of course is your principal's job!).

Hang in there. I really like your plan and think it has the most chance of success.

On the parenting side, I imagine it's really hard to want your child to go to school, but also want her to feel safe, and to wish she could get over this phobia, but to know she is in serious distress.....and then decide what you can do as a parent that won't add to the problem, but will instead help the problem, especially when people on the outside (school) might just see this as a parenting problem. I hope the therapist can prop you up as you navigate this. Or at least you will have validation that it is indeed as complex as it seems and there is no magic method, magic rule, or magic response that will make it all better so you can give yourself a little break and rest easier knowing you are doing the best you can.

BTW, I also send a stomach ache and even vomiting to school when I know it's anxiety related. DS is at a point where he does not want anxiety to interfere with his life, even if he vomits, which has happened at school as well as home. I hope your dd gets to that point one day too.

Agree w/ what MON said.

Pemberley, you're doing a tremendous job. I hope you can get your DD an excellent situation for this school year.

DeeDee

Not sure if this is progress but at least we have a bit of movement. The district has backed off the mediation request. Interestingly new DSS told consultant today she "feels terrible" about this, neither she nor the district have done enough to find a solution and she realizes that she hasn't even provided a proposed plan in writing that we can respond too. Maybe this means their attorney if no one else has pointed out that they are not handling this well...

I have a question - we received an IEP in the mail. Obviously we do not agree with their proposed placement or think the anxiety related goals are appropriate given the blindside about the placement that was delivered after that part was discussed. Apparently there are different interpretations regarding how the 5 day rule is applied in the summer. We don't want to inadvertently appear to consent to the IEP by not responding or respond In a way that comes back to bite us later. What do you think of saying "We received the IEP draft. Since the meeting ended abruptly and we did not have the opportunity to discuss all outstanding issues we can not accept this draft as final. We therefore request another meeting to be held prior to the start school in order to develop a complete IEP."

While typing got a call from therapist. Insurance is a no-go. Apparently they are not accepting new clinicians at this time. This could be A LOT of money but I guess we don't really have a choice. Consultant is hoping district will cover the cost but who knows anymore...