Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Children who express the desire not to be children

Who else has kids like this? This is a very common theme with my DD. She really just can't seem to stand the fact that she is still a minor and has to follow the rules that society places on her as a minor. It absolutely makes her nuts. She says things like "Well, I have the right to life and liberty! It's a free country!" with some frequency. You really have to remind her again and again that we are still the humans in charge around here. It's sort of funny, but at the same time, it freaks me out just a tad. She isn't devious/serious enough for this strong emotion to be of great concern to me--but she is 8. (Mind you, I don't think she wants to do bad things, exactly. She just wants to be in charge of herself. She just went to sleepaway camp for a week and had a blast. She has always been a really, really independent kid.)

Lest we sound really controlling...she has a pretty good amount of freedom, actually, though we aren't permissive with things like screens and junk food. I don't know if that's what she wants, though. Probably not. She basically just wants to...live her own life, I think.

The grass is always greener!

We get a lot of this from our 8yo, too. "When I'm a grownup, I'm going to use the computer all day long!" "I should be able to stay up as late as I want!" My fave: "That's against the child labor laws!"

I think he's just annoyed that he doesn't get to make all the rules, but he certainly wouldn't want to be the one going to work all day.

You can tell her that she "does not know what she does not know."

My older dd (she will be 9 next month) is very much like this. She is extremely mature emotionally and is in a hurry to grow up. She already wants to discuss global topics such as why there are nuclear weapons and wars, labor exploitation overseas, poverty in Africa, and immigration issues. I really try to avoid these topics b/c she is an anxious child and while she has a curiosity to know about these things I question her ability to discuss them without becoming anxious. Because of this we have a no news on t.v. policy at home.

I think your daughter's feelings are normal and healthy.

Maybe the happiest day of my life was when I graduated from high school. I was a good student and did not dislike school, but the warehousing aspect of high school -- you must be in the assigned classroom for 7 hours a day, even study hall -- grated on me. College is not like that, nor are many (but not all jobs).

Maybe you could channel your daughter's frustration into a plan to finish high school sooner and thus become an adult, at least in some respects.

Another annoying thing about being a child is that you don't have your own money and require your parents' approval to buy stuff. Fewer teens are working now than before (a bad trend perhaps), but it takes "only" some computer skills and a good idea to make money writing an "app" or even starting a company.
Therefore I want my kids to learn to program as soon as possible, and I will try to expose them to business, too.

I agree. Almost every kid I knew couldn't wait for the next birthday, which would mean being one year older.

When I was in my twenties, I had a friend who, when in a restaurant, would gleefully push his plate away from himself and announce, "The best part of being an adult is not having to clean my plate!" I still feel that way.


I would add that you also have to learn how to complete a project once the novelty wears off. At some point, you also have to learn how to show up on time and figure out how to work in a group. My crummy jobs as a teenager taught me a lot of that kind of stuff.

I also think for some kids they sense instinctively that they're spirits or whatever you want to call it are "too big" for a kids' body or in a kids' life, like Bostonian described about being in a warehouse.

Your DD will no doubt look back, or have a conversation with you, about the things she didn't realize were easy at this time (probably when she has her own kids?)

Did you ever write letters to your future self when you were a kid or a teenager? Maybe she'd like to do that. To be opened different times...10 years, 20 years, but also just six months or next year.

Ultra, we have found with my DS who has AS that he really doesn't grasp the social hierarchy that the rest of us intuitively understand. He used to find it outrageous that teachers would boss him around; he didn't grasp that their social role entitles them to do that. Likewise, if he really wants to do something and we say no, he doesn't deep down understand that because we are his parents, and the reigning adults in the household, we have a right to deny his request.

For DS, this isn't necessarily wanting to be a grownup faster, or even have more autonomy-- it's failure to understand that social roles convey rights and responsibilities, and often convey power of one person over another.

DeeDee

There may be some of that, but I think she really does want to be a grown-up and have more autonomy. We have recently given her the privilege of being allowed to walk up and down the street alone and it's probably the best things we've done for her in a long time--she cherishes that like you wouldn't believe, because it's "adult." She sometimes has to be talked out of buying her own ticket to the movies or her own food at an event (maybe I shouldn't talk her out of it, but it does seem weird to buy these things for her brother and have her spend her allowance on them). She would be happy to spend her money on things like this instead of toys (actually, she has never bought herself a toy in her life, though she sometimes buys books). It's sometimes hard not to feel rejected by this, but I don't think it's really personal--I do feel loved and cherished by her, but there is just the sense of...how soon can I be done with this part?

She is not like some mini-adult, though--all super-mature and responsible. Actually, she is highly emotional and NOT especially mature for her age, although she is concerned about things (war, environmental destruction, etc) that most kids her age are not. She is mature in the sense that she separates from us very easily, loves to travel, and loves novelty and new experiences. Camp was fabulous because of this. She had an incredible time and asked if she could go back again THIS summer!

I agree that kids generally look forward to birthdays anf getting older. Well, many do. Some seem to fear it. I don't remember feeling strongly one way or the other--sometimes growing up seemd good and other times I wasn't so sure.