Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parental Isolation

I hear you on that one. Our problems arise usually from one topic - school choice. Why on earth do we drive 30-35 minutes one-way to a charter school when our school district lays golden eggs. Why, why, why. Uh, people let's stick with don't ask don't tell. It doesn't help that the school name includes the word gifted which i didn't even use in talking with others for months... and still often just say "charter" school.

You add to it - there are times I would love to use these women, these friends (mind you not random people or neighbors but true friends we've had for years) as a sounding board because sometimes I ask myself - why about the choice of school and whether we can make traditional public work.

I stopped saying hey my kid can by about 19 months. Then I'd safely point out when folks with similiar aged kids that weren't talking in paragraph form or at all.. and I'd say how she can walk right into walls... trying to play the 'hey she is just good at this' but that got harder to to and frankly when she was older it seemed silly. The lack of friend support on school choice is tough because I've always viewed my friendships as extended family. With the passing of both my parents the past few years... these relationships became even more important.

Someone had a good point that I've thought of and need to stick with - just ask questions, listen, and be interested in other people's lives. And keep school and GT issues off the table. If the market were better I swear we'd just move into a district with self-contained gt classrooms. And then we'd need to focus on the education piece without concerning ourselves to the location.

Thank you all so much. It was a crummy day when I posted... and while I don't wish ick on you ... it was nice to feel that it isn't just me.

I really do think people get defensive about parenting issues because we worry that we're not doing a good enough job. If the school system isn't good enough for your child, kickball, then they take it as an implied criticism of the job they're doing. Dumb response, but a very common one.

FWIW, I had the same problem with my mom, actually. She felt that because I did things differently than she did, it was a criticism of the parenting job she did. She fought me tooth and nail, criticizing me quite ruthlessly, on every decision I made that wasn't the one she wanted me to make (or the one she had made with me when I was a child.).

To make a long story short, it all came to a head in what wound up being a very productive conversation. I pointed out that most of my life is EXACTLY like hers--to a frightening degree, really. (Far more than my sister's life, and Mom's not threatened by her choices. Go figure.) The small things Mom and I differ on are not barbs I'm launching at her.

"Did you live your life and raise your kids thinking of your mom and how to irritate her? Or did you just try to make the best decisions you could?" I asked her.

That hit home, and she talked about how she felt her mother had always disapproved of some of her choices and how painful that disapproval was to her, when she was just trying to do her best through life.

Things got better fast after that. She stopped taking everything so personally. We get along better now than we have in over a decade.

I don't know if that lengthy, tangentially relevant story helps, but it was a case where someone was defensive and nasty because of insecurity, and it has a happy ending. So I thought I'd share!

I was eating chocolate easter eggs during one of the few quiet and still moments of the day, wondering when someone from the curriculum company would call me back, when I decided I was feeling rather isolated in this whole crazy new life.

I am SO glad I decided to hop online and read this thread!

Most of my friends are now getting their little ones registered for kindergarten. I get the question several times a week: "So, where is DS5 going to school in the fall?"

I am struggling with this new life. I don't know what to say! We haven't found our way yet. We have decided 100% that we are home schooling, which is what I usually tell my friends. Some of them ask why, but I most certainly do not feel like I can answer honestly.

We recently finished having DS5 tested. He was four at the time. Basically, we were told by the "experts" that he would be most appropriately placed at a third grade level in the fall, when he is eligible to begin kindergarten.

WHO in this city can I talk to about this without sounding like an obnoxious, bragging parent?!! There are certainly no parental support groups for parents with EG/PG kids. I have not found a soul. So I keep it to myself.

My husband and I have agonized over what to do and how to handle this information. Home schooling seems like the only appropriate answer at this point. And, I'm asking myself when DS will ever have a little buddy that he really loves to play with, are we making the right decision, will he be the "weird" little nerd we all remember growing up, which curriculum do I use, how can I keep him plugged in, and on and on...things you all probably ask.

SO... all of this is just to emphasize that I am grateful for this forum.

Thank you for these candid thoughts you have shared. You guys always inspire me by reminding me that I am not alone. Just a newbie and feeling overwhelmed.

I hear you alee31!

Don't count out buddies who aren't HG+ for certain things. DS6 has a good friend who I don't think is GT at all. They play Hot Wheels and spies and build dams in the stream together and such things.

Now, granted, DS6 is a bit of a chameleon, and he does boss the poor kid around more than the kid or I would like (!), but they are good friends and they spend a lot of time together! We're always on the lookout for GT friends, too, but for some activities with some kids, GTness is not required.

And FWIW, my usual response to the school question is "We're homeschooling. DS is pretty bright, and the local school just wasn't a good fit for him."

It's the least braggy, most honest way I know of to answer the question that doesn't make it sound like DS is a behavior problem. (My mom told people that "he was having trouble" or some such thing, and they all thought he was a bad seed. I'm not willing to go that route!)

Anyway, response has been almost universally positive, so it seems to work for us. I think the "pretty" in there makes it less threatening or something. <shrug>

At least it's another option for you to consider...

Ah, a friend of mine had her GT child at our magnet school for 3 years and then they moved about 20 minutes away to an area where the elementary school laid those golden eggs, so they switched him to the closer school. Well let's just say after one year at that school they are now back at our magnet. What is wonderful to a ND kid may not be so wonderful to a GT kid. She said he told her after Christmas that they were finally doing something he hadn't done in school before. That is one reason I've told my DH that we cannot move away from our school. It's a really good fit for my children.

I do think a lot of people argue out of insecurity concerning their choices. They are afraid they aren't doing the best thing for their children when you make decisions to do something else with yours. That is one reason I don't feel the need to argue with people, because I am comfortable with the choices I have made for my kids.

I also think all of this does get easier as your kids get older. My kids are the only ones in our neighborhood to go to the magnet school and the neighbors gave me grief when I first made the decision but now it's a non-issue. So hang in there, it does get better!

I love this! I am going to use "blursed" every relevant chance I get, and I will credit you with its invention. It's genius.

Very "Alice in Wonderland" of you to invent such a useful word like that!

Kriston - I like your response to those who ask about educational preferences. Short and simple and honest. I'll try that one.

Everyone -

Regarding friends, DS5 has never found a little buddy that he just really enjoys playing with. We are involved in lots of things around town. And he was in preschool for a year and a half, and now is in Mothers' Day Out, church activities, and MOPS. My point is there has been a lot of exposure to other children. We invite different children over to play, and try to create a lot of opportunities. Usually what happens is this: I gently but repeatedly have to remind him not to ignore his little buddy who's over playing. DS prefers to hang out with the adults, or with the toddlers and entertain them. I know he's just five, but it seems like most of the other children we know, even several years younger, enjoy playing with a few of the same friends again and again and seem to really have developed true friendships. DS is confident, friendly, never the shover/pusher/rowdy kid, and often approaches groups of children with, "HI, guys! Can I play?" He is perfectly content to go to a friend's house and explore his room and toys and ignoring the child mostly. Yet we have absolutely no indication that these behaviors are abnormal (I've shared with our family MD and with our psychologist who did all of our testing)- he's just happy doing his own thing most of the time. The only time I have ever seen him absolutely thrilled to be playing little boy games/anything imaginative with another child is with his cousin, who is about 3 years older. He ADORES him and loves to play with him. But he lives about 20 hours away and we only see him once or twice a year. I guess I've just seen the potential in him to really have FUN with another child and we can't seem to find a good fit around here.

I am planning to join the local HS co-op. I have been told there are quite a few little boys ages 5 to 7 in the co-op this year. Hopefully there will be a few little guys he just enjoys hanging out with. I would love to see him kick back and play with trucks and sticks and mud and just have a blast with another little kid.

Is this a commonality with EG/PG children or am I just overly concerned? (Apologies - a bit off topic.)

It's common.

Friends are friends. We've learned to try DS6 with various kids--just as you're doing--and see if he's happy with them. If so, regardless of age, they become a potential long-term friend. If not, then we move on with a shrug. But he does tend to like kids who are 2-4 years older than he is chronologically.

In fact, one of DS6.5's (and, for that matter, DS3.5's) best buddies is turning 10 this month and is quite GT in his own right (though admittedly with some emotional/behavioral issues that probably make his "real age" a bit lower than he might otherwise be given his GTness).

If your DS likes the older kids better, then I'd say don't fight it. Find older kids for him to befriend. Outside of the strict school setting (and even within it often!) chronological age is generally meaningless for friendships. Many kids--especially HSed kids--couldn't care one whit about age.

One other thought: is your DS an introvert or an extrovert? (And please note that I'm not asking if he's shy--shy and introverted are two different things.) Does he prefer time alone to recharge, even if he likes to be social? Does being social make him tired, even cranky? Or does he get energized by being with people?

Are you an extrovert? Do you crave time with people? Your posts make it sound to me like you might be an extrovert. That's important, too.

If your son is an introvert, he may just prefer to play alone a lot, and that's fine as long as it's fine with him. Ultimately, the big deal with friends is going from 0 to 1. If he's got one playmate that he sees semi-regularly and if he's happy, then he's probably not a kid you need to worry about.

If he has no friends of any age, if he's sad and lonely, or if he's an extrovert who is having trouble connecting with people, then I'd say (in my non-expert opinion) that there may be a problem.

Just be sure that you're not trying (with all the best intentions, of course) to turn an introvert into an extrovert. That would frustrate both of you unnecessarily. Everyone needs some social connection, but some people need significantly less social time than others. If you're an extrovert and he's an introvert, the amount of time he spends alone (especially when he's on a playdate!) may seem excessive to you, and the friendships he has may seem superficial, but it all may be perfectly fine for him. It just comes down to how he feels about it.

If it helps, I'm a reasonably well-adjusted and a highly social person, and I'm an introvert. I mostly preferred to play alone, especially when I was under 7, but I made friends, too. I just had mostly acquaintances and a very few close friends, and that worked for me. Nowadays no one can believe I'm an introvert, I'm so social. But I am. I enjoy being social, but I need my time alone before and after those social contacts just as much as I need air!

If your son is happy, if you're giving him opportunities for forming friendships, and if you and the doctor have ID'd no stumbling block to his making friends (e.g., hitting, evidence of social disorders, autism spectrum indicators, etc.), then he's probably fine.

Try events with some 7-9yos involved and see what happens. That may do the trick. And be sure that he gets time alone before the event if he wants it. ODing on social time can make introverts hide during social events...like playdates!



K-

VERY interesting...I've never really thought about it that way. Thanks for some thought-provoking possibilities.

I DO know that we have no worries about disorders at this point. I am confident of that. But I haven't thought about his possible NEED and CONTENTMENT to spend more time alone. He seems to be an extrovert, as my husband and I are. But he also seems content in a variety of situations. He plays well within a group of children - never meets a stranger at the park. I guess I'm just hoping for that one special little friend that he absolutely loves to hang out with. I will take your advice and try to plug in with a crowd a few years older. Hopefully the HS co-op will have a good crowd.

Thanks again,
Allison

I was feeling a little isolated last night when I went out with a group of mom friends. We were all catching up with each other and talking about how our kids are doing. Our kids all go to different schools and someone asked about how my kids were liking school. I said that they had great teachers this year and DS just got a new teacher that he really likes. One friend, who knows about the skip, chimed in to say that my DS was now in first grade. I felt a little awkward because I hadn't really meant to bring it up because it always feels like bragging. I was surprised to find out that the other moms didn't even know it was allowed or possible to get a skip!

They were very curious about DS and wanted to know what kind of things he is interested in. I told them that he right now he is really into Descartes' Cove and keeps bugging me to play it with him. I wanted to say more but I just left it at that...I don't think they are familiar with the game. I feel like I can't really talk about the stuff that he does with any of my friends...