Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Adult excessive sensitivity support

I don't know if this is an adult giftie thing or just a "me" thing, but I thought that this might be a place to get support or at least ask.

I've been researching dh's genealogy b/c he doesn't know a lot about his family of origin beyond his parents' generation. Grandparents were all immigrants. One family member, in particular, has drawn me in and and devastated me at the same time. His grandmother died very, very young and, despite, being told that this is just the way things were in that time, I find it so sad that I can't let it go.

She lost three children in the course of three years, one her first born at age six and the last the baby they named after the firstborn who had died two years earlier. It appears that she was essentially killed by the people who were meant to help her b/c treatment of depression and mental illness was so poorly done at that time. Her husband never remarried and outlived her by nearly 45 years. He raised their three surviving children alone.

I know that there is no justice to be had nearly 90 years later and I want to know more but at the same time, it nearly makes me cry and makes me angry for dh's grandfather, his mother who grew up without a mother herself, for dh whose mother's parenting was likely impacted by that...

How does one let this type of stuff go or at least keep it from being so devastatingly sad?

It is sad, so I'm not really seeing a problem here.

I'm kinda with JonLaw... letting go is overrated.

Somebody's gotta save the world, and those are the reasons why. I hang on to a fair bit of frustration over family histories on both sides (mine and DH's). I know we're still dealing with the effects of stuff. I also have a little (or maybe a lot) of extra respect for certain family members from knowing just how much they helped to turn around a bad story from their parents generation to their children's (mine).

Studying family history, and history in general, is partly about finally getting to "grok" the varieties of human experience, from the worst to the best. It's worth feeling those feelings. It's a kind of learning. Words can't describe how bad things can get, only that "click" when you identify with someone who isn't you. I almost feel dirty trying to talk about the dark side of human history because it is just so hard to discuss that words seem to cheapen it. You gotta just feel it.

But maybe that doesn't help you very much when it's acutely bugging you!


-Mich.

I guess that I am just getting the impression from my mother, who has researched her family's genealogy extensively, and others with whom I have spoken who also are into genealogy, that they are more able to just let it roll off their backs and able to accept that this is just the way things were. People's children died, people were killed through ignorance, it's just how it was. I get the impression that it doesn't bother them so much.

I want to go back in time and talk her family into doing something different, help her cope with grief in a manner that didn't kill her... I feel this connection to someone I never would have known even if this hadn't happened b/c we are separated in time by a lot even if she had lived a full life.

I guess that I am getting more at this: how do some people let it roll off their backs and feel okay about it? How do you let it not eat you up when, as Michaela said, our family is still probably dealing with the effects of what happened so long ago? It isn't just us, either. It is her. I want something different to have happened for her and her immediate family in that time.

I totally get what you are saying about alot of people seeming to be unaffected by things that I find very upsetting. In fact, I would say that some people even seem to enjoy it.

Your reaction brings to mind my own reaction to visiting the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial a few years back and watching people traipse around this beautiful park like it was, well, a park. I, on the other hand, had a really hard time being in that place even for a little while, although I had resolved to go once to pay my respects. And then I started thinking about all the Civil War battlefields, and other historic places that people visit now where people had died and even though it was much longer ago, it doesn't make the tragedy any less, you know? Alot of people seem to be able to distance themselves from these experiences, but it doesn't make you weird if you don't. It makes you empathetic and that is a good, albeit sometimes painful, thing to be.

So, I guess we here are likely to have emotional OEs like our kids! I don't think there is anything strange about your reaction, but perhaps it would be good to focus less on wishing you could change things (which obviously you can't), and just think about how learning about this might give you useful insights into your family in the present. And I think it is fine to be angry about this woman's lot in life, it sucked!

Have you read The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman?

If not, you might consider it. It is not going to make you happier. It is not a happy story. However, if you think you need to really delve into the issues surrounding her treatment before you can move on, it might be worth reading.

This may not be politic to say, but those are not "my" people. That's exactly the problem with "desensitization," and it's not something to strive for, in my opinion. I'm also pretty sure it's a Bad Thing (tm) on a population level to normalize it, no matter how much people complain about violent video games in an attempt to look like they give a flying... umm.... petuti.

History is hard, but it's not the names and dates that make it hard. Names and dates are what you do when you can't handle the stories.

If I were stuck in a conversation about it with a family member I didn't want to say anything difficult to hear to, I'd probably just say something like "well, I guess because X, Y, and Z were fresh in my mind, I just wound up really 'getting it' about how bad that really would be, no matter who you are or when you live. And I guess I'm glad I did, now I've got a real connection with ______ which is pretty awesome, I'd never have expected to have that." If I really wanted to drive it home (which I probably would), I might say "maybe it makes what she went through a little more meaningful to have a witness, to have someone who is still alive who remembers and cares."

That's the impulse behind twinned Bar-mitzvahs, where people honour a relative who died as a child in the Holocaust by studying their story as part of their bar-mitzvah preparation.

... And on that note, I'm off to go do some more work on the Grendle's mommy section... erm... that's a bit ironic, isn't it? Oops. Actually, there's a Beowulf film that purposefully used a supermodel to play Grendle's Mom, in an attempt to humanize her and get the audience to identify with her situation. So, I guess your dilemma (multilemma, I'm oversimplifying) is as old as... Beowulf, anyway. There's a reason everyone gets all hung up on Grendle's mom.

Before I go... Thanks for bringing this up. It's close to my heart and not something one often gets to discuss in thinking company.

-Mich.

I've wondered this same thing. I've never been good at letting things go or "getting over it." How do people do it? One of my grandmothers was trapped in an extremely difficult and tragic life. I wish I could change how her life was; I wish I could have known her. Things like this seem to bother me more than others around me.

I think talking about it is a good place to start, and sometimes when I'm really stuck, I've written a letter to the person with everything I wish had been different. Even though it never gets to the other person, putting what I feel into words has helped me to process some difficult stuff. I also just read an article I found helpful for the times that others are ready to move on and I'm not... I can definitely relate to the funnel.

http://www.shulamit.info/funnel.htm

I have not, thanks for the suggestion, though. I am working on getting copies of her treatment records to better understand what happened to her and then may delve into other lives that were similarly impacted later.

Thank all.

I am overly sensitive and have been this way since I was a child. It has made my life harder. I have trouble letting things go. I still remember our little neighbor boy who was that same age as my son. The little boy drowned in his backyard pool at age 3. I remember this every time I look at their house and every time my son has a birthday.

I can't look at my dad's house next door without feeling sad about what happened to my mother. Her simple hernia surgery turned into a nightmare. She needed 24 hour care for the next 8 1/2 years until she died. My dad took care of her by himself instead of putting her in a nursing home. He didn't tell us that he needed surgery and that lifting her and taking care of her most basic needs was making some his health issues worse. He recently had surgery and I have a very hard time seeing him in so much pain every day.

But I am most sensitive to my son's pain. How can I be happy when my son is in pain? It makes me so sad that he wakes up every morning with pain and then has to put on a brace that keeps him from being able to do anything fun with other kids. He can't even sit for more than an hour without needing to lie down because of the pain. Knowing that kids at our local school who are different in any way are bullied makes me angry. I don't know how my son would tolerate being in pain in addition to being bullied if he went to that school. It makes me angry that most of the adults I talked to in our community either don't care or they say nothing can be done about it and it happens everywhere. We even have a few bully teachers. The superintendent does nothing when people complain. We homeschool, but knowing that public school is not an option makes me a little nervous sometimes especially when our internet service is not dependable. He would be going into 9th grade in the fall if he were in public school.

I am sensitive to feeling like I can't say what I really think because I will be shunned. I am sensitive to being around people I know to be judgmental because I heard them gossiping about other people and judging them. I am sensitive to people asking me what we are doing for homeschooling as if they think I couldn't possibly be capable of homeschooling my son and then I start wondering this myself.

I am still trying to figure out how to let things go. My son is trying to help me with this. He doesn't like seeing me sad. He told me that reading things on the internet helped desensitize him and it was like "shock therapy without the electricity." He would read about horrible things that happened to other people and in comparison his life and his pain wasn't so bad. He also says he can usually find something humorous in bad things that have happened to him and he is trying to get me to look for the humor or irony in situations. He also looks for the unexpected good that sometimes goes along with the bad. He thinks I can learn to turn off my emotions just like he did and I wonder if that is really possible.