Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional All the other stories sucked.

Okay, in all honesty, I would have written the above e-mail but then only sent this part:

Thank you for bringing my son's response to your assignment to my attention. I am assuming you are taking issue with his use of the words "hate" and "sucks" as well as the negative tone of his response. I will discuss these issues with him.

I think just having been that kid, I am defensive.

Another trick I did when I was his age was I picked out a kid I knew the teacher liked more than me and wrote it how I thought that person would respond. There was still a fair bit of sarcasm but once again it was not something for which I could really be penalized.

A teacher is supposed to provide a comprehensive list of "4-letter" words? I think that's absurd. The obvious rule is that students are not to make colloquial sexual references in school assignments, and even a non-gifted child should know that.

Actually, Bostonian, my son had no idea until today that it was considered a bad word. He is twelve, has no reference points in his own history that would make him think that it was a colloquial reference to anything other than just being icky. My generation considered that word to be a borderline cuss word, but I can promise you that his generation does not. It is the same a yuck or ick or bummer.

Words he knows to be cuss words would never show up in a class assignment.

The teacher was just as offended that he used the word hate. He does not understand why he can't express a strong emotion about something and why the words "very strongly dislike to the point of abhorrence" would be ok but not hate.

ABQ, my DS is this kind of a thinker too.


The big disconnect here is that he doesn't understand what teachers expect. There is a pretty narrow range of expectation; they can be vague in giving assignments because they assume the kids all know what they expect. But your DS clearly doesn't.

You can start by briefing your DS on what teachers want and expect to read. That you can look at the size of the space they gave you on the paper, and judge how much to write (fill most of the space). That if they ask an opinion question, they still want it expressed in formal language, and in paragraphs, and with examples from the stories. If the opinion can't be expressed using examples from the stories and civil languge, pick a different opinion. And so forth. This will take practice.

The larger question (knowing what's expected by others in all circumstances) is addressed pretty well in Michelle Garcia Winner's "Think social" curriculum-- she explicitly teaches that if you do things that others aren't expecting, they get upset, and she literally goes through and tells the student what's "expected" and "unexpected" behavior in particular situations.

I feel for you and him. It's a lot of work to sort this stuff out...

DeeDee

With my kids, I have a general rule about knocking other people's work. If they say they hate something, I remind them they don't prefer it and maybe ask what do you prefer. In regards to an assignment, they have written negative remarks about a book or story. My expectation for them is that they do so thoughtfully. I think it actually helps develop their critical thinking skills. We have all read a book we didn't like or saw a painting that we thought was not very good. It's an opinion. I try to talk to them about valuing someone else's work even when they don't enjoy it. I remind them not everyone loves all of their work but it still has value. I have them find a positive in the work maybe a well developed character or writing style. I think it's ok for him to say he didn't enjoy the stories, but maybe write about the positives he can see despite not enjoying them.

I think the filter is something they learn over time if they struggle with it. My dd was born with a filter and her brothers not so much:0 I use every situation as an example of a filtering. It's an important skill for them to be direct and yet mindful of their words. Life is tough if you don't know when to filter yourself. It's hard for GT kids sometimes to learn just because they can work at adult levels doesn't mean they can say anything to adults. I try hard to be mindful of what I say and sometimes I use that as an example for them. I'll tell them after a situation was over... Wow that was hard! I want to say XYz but I needed to say ABC. I'll talk about how it was the respectful thing to do or why the outcome of XYZ would have been negative, etc.

I have 3 skillful negotiators in my house. When they try to tell me it follows the rule or expectations because... I will shut down the loophole reasons. Especially, when the intention or expectation was understood by them. If he understands what the teacher is looking for then, I would expect him to do it to the best of his ability. Given the dysgraphia the answer will be shorter. If she has a problem with the shorter answer, I would have a meeting with her about reasonable expectations for him.

Good luck with this... It's always something with kids, isn't it?

I am off to go look it up, DeeDee. It looks like exactly what I need, because I am hitting a wall with teaching him some of these things. I'll think we've made progress, and then this happens. It's odd to sometimes wish he'd come home and say, "yeah, I shouldn't have done that but just couldn't resist". I know how to deal with that; I don't know how to teach someone how to perceive what is going to offend someone else and then avoid.

And to a certain extent, I want him to maintain some of that. Being that kind of individual thinker is a good thing when it comes to solving big problems. Many of the most successful CEO's worried a lot less about what offended others than about what was the right thing to do.

While I want him to learn skills that will help him get along with others, I also don't want to keep "fixing" him until he's pretty sure he's defective the way he is.

Here's some advice that I just came up with in the last five seconds.

I'm drawing on my experience with arguing with Walter Dellinger about free speech in law school here - so I can no longer say law school has no practical application.

When asked to write something *never* write anything critical or negative.

Write about flowers, rainbows, and economic recovery.

Use optimistic words of happiness, joy, and tell them how much you love the stories, and how much you love school, and how the teacher is a snappy dresser and looks like she is 25.

You get the point.

This is such a great idea. I really should do this with DD.

So funny

I can't imagine a 12yo has fellatio in mind when he says a story sucks. Heck, I don't, and I know what that is.

ETA: I read the assignment and the answer to my 4th grader, and she said the only thing wrong with it was that he should have evaluated the stories based on his feelings after the first reading, not on his dislike of re-reading. She said that if someone said something sucked, that would be no big deal. (Whereas saying you hate something has already been explained as inappropriate classroom behavior.)