Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Must I lie? Why oh Why? (rant)

I am thrilled to have a daughter as wonderful and gifted as she is. Daily, I feel blessed to be her Mother. But, oh what a lonely road it is!! Can't I just please... find one person... that doesn't care about what she can do... that doesn't see me giving the facts as a braggart? Or a bad parent? Ugh!

Today, my daughter had her first practice for baseball. Things started well. As all us Moms arrived we smiled and greeted each other. We stood in a group and chatted. But as I always dread... the conversation turned to the kids ages and grade in school and *big surprise* their abilities.

The Moms of the 5 year olds (like mine) talked about how their kids missed the cut offs date for school and how their kids were smart and ready for K already. One Mom, obviously proud, slipped in how her son was already reading early readers and such.

At times like this... I smile and keep my mouth shut.

But then, proud Mom, turns to me and asks if DD was going into K this year.

"Actually, she's home-schooled." I reply.

"Oh, are you doing preschool at home then?"

At this, I squirm, and say something along the lines of "Um, no she's a little ahead for her age."

"Oh, does she read already too?" she keeps on.

"yes, she loves to read" I answer... pointedly not saying what.

"What level does she read?" DANG IT... why does she have to ask?

So, I answer truthfully and then truthfully again when I'm pressed by another incredulous Mom as to what level she is on with Math and writing and such. They asked.. so I answered.

I guess I should have lied.

Because they stood there... staring. An uncomfortable silence ensued. I made some lame attempt at joking it off but when that didn't work.. used my younger daughter as an excuse to walk away.

Then, as I turned to go.. proud Mom looks at the other Moms and loudly announces that she "personally believed in letting her kids enjoy being kids."

So, for the rest of practice.. they closed ranks and I was excluded. Friendly smiles from me were not returned.

Again, I should have lied... or changed the subject.. or something.

OH, how lonely I feel!

That's a tough one. I think lots of parents have dealt with comments about how much they "work with" their kids or "give them advantages", i.e. push them, or have it openly asserted. Five is a normal kindergarten age, for cripe's sake-- homeschooling isn't unusual at that age! I'm sorry you had to deal with the snottiness. It comes from jealousy, obviously.

My knee-jerk reaction is to expose the situation for what it is. I probably would have said (on the spot, I'm reflexive that way now) "I wasn't trying to make you jealous or upset about any difference between our kids. Our kids are what they are. I was just answering the questions I was asked. I think it's in poor form to attempt to insult me out of jealousy." Obviously, I would have resigned myself to not having a friendship with the insulting mommy in the short term.

Well, I know it probably isn't much consolation because exclusion is always painful, but would you really have wanted to participate in those kinds of conversations on a regular basis? Those moms sound really unpleasant. I have to say, that I have a group of moms I hang out with occasionally who all have kids DS8's age and while there is alot of discussion about who's reading what (specific book interests, not levels) and what kind of math enrichment the kids are getting, etc., there has never been any nastiness like this. So it is not an inevitable part of socializing with other moms. Hopefully, somewhere far away from these women, there is a group of equally disgusted and much more fun mommies that you can befriend. Hugs!

Ha! Love it! Although I'd never have the gumption to say such.

Where's the "like" button?

Perhaps it's just me, but I think a lot of their reaction comes from your behavior. It comes across to me that you felt some sort of guilt/shame over your daughter's ability. Why?

Just be straight forward and proud of her. If they ask questions, answer them honestly. If they are terrible people I suppose they'll respond badly, but that's on them. However, if *you* behave is something is wrong/bad/shameful, they will respond in kind.

Well said, LNEs Mom.

It was intrusive of them to ask after levels of work. At that point, if they are offended by the answer, it's their problem.

I do typically say something vague and turn the conversation in these sorts of situations, but it happens very rarely here that people inquire directly. Perhaps because I have found the saner parents to talk to...

DeeDee

I disagree. I think it comes from their feeling insecure.

I agree that coming right out, when asked, is the correct policy. "Well, she started reading at 2, so she's all about books... She's re-reading Harry Potter for the I don't know how manyth time. She loves that series" and then you stay and see who "sticks". Who gets it enough to not immediately start comparing their child to yours, and criticizing you for their experience.

I've found that as the moms get older, and more experienced, and their children start having academic strengths and weaknesses and LDs, and social trouble, and etc, that it gets easier.

Hang in there. It's very isolating.

To be honest, when asked if I was doing preschool at home, I would have said "Something like that," or "We do a lot of different stuff," or something similar. I don't talk about my kids' abilities to strangers or new acquaintances if I can help it at all, though sometimes they make themselves obvious anyway. Yes, these moms were bragging themselves and were being hypocritical to respond that way, but that's sort of beside the point. I like people to have a chance to get to know me and my kids precisely so they can't jump to any conclusions like "You're not letting your kid be a kid."

You can always answer a question with a questions:

"What difference does it make?"

I tended to skirt the question when my kids were younger as well. It kind of is hard to explain in most circles that your 6yo is reading old obstetric textbooks and Sylvia Plath. Easier just to say "oh, I don't know, whatever she finds on the shelf-- she's not real picky".
That having been said...some parents will make it a contest no matter what, and some of those parents are parents of gifted children. You've run into one, and she apparently thought either that you were one and had just one-upped her, or that she was going to win the Perfect Child Competition and was miffed that she didn't.
My experience, fwiw, leads me to not engage if I can avoid it. But if they ask more than once, I won't downplay things, either. It doesn't do anyone a service to do so-- because as you discovered, it just prolongs the inevitable. And that's continued well past playground discussions, and into middle and high school. Only there The Grand Mommy Rollcall of Offspring Excellence is usually voiced as "yeah, well, Petunia, obviously, but who *else?"

One thing I learned to is to go where you already know they're going to go. If you acknowledge their reaction and disarm it before it happens, it can sometimes change the outcome. (Sometimes, not always)

For example, I used to say things like, " You know, I can hardly believe it myself, but she's already devoured the entire Harry Potter series, and I'm scrambling to keep up with her. For a while, I tried to get her to slow down because I was afraid it would keep her from being a kid, but I've come to understand that this is just her being herself. So, most of the time I'm exhausted keeping up - which is why I'm so excited to see her interested in baseball. For a bit I can just hang out and enjoy watching all of our kids."

I know it's terrible in some ways, but when other parents see the down side to raising a driven, high IQ kid, they are allowd to pity you - which gives them the equal footing to not feel intimidated.

I was in a similar situation where I heard a mom's judgmental remarks as I walked away, and I did go back and address them. I told her I couldn't help hearing what she said and then said, "You're right. I'm not raising my kid to be normal, because he isn't. He hasn't fit the norm since he started trying to hack passwords in our computer at 3 years old. What I am trying to do is to help him be ok with who he is and help him have normal experiences as best I can. So if you'd like to go to coffee sometime and give me pointers, I'd love the support."

Sometimes we have to step up and be ambassadors of enlightening others and sometimes it's easier just to walk away and chalk it up to ignorance.

This is really great--I wish I could come up with these kinds of responses on the spot, but I am just not very quick in situations like this. I really like your approach.

"What difference does it make?" is a good response.

The thing is, a lot of parents (especially moms) seem to have a thing about using their kids to compete with each other. Here's my analysis of the situation: these little competitions have all the gloss of a casual friendly chat, but under the surface, there's a lot of stress going on. I presume that they're driven by one-upsmanship in a strange hierarchy-by-proxy, where the kids are the unknowing competitors and the parents are the proxies for them. It's all built on a foundation of insecurity.

If the kids are all in a close-ish range of ability, the parents can compete away with a reasonable expectation that they can move their kids (and therefore themselves) up the hierarchy. "If I work with Johnny a bit more, I can get him to Sally's level and talk about it next week."

Anyone who's well outside the range won't fit in. If your child is behind, you might feel lousy when they're all competing and your child hasn't reached that level yet. IMO, they don't care about your child's struggles; they're only interested in themselves in this situation. Alternatively, if your child is well ahead, group insecurity might kick in, and the group will find a way to exclude you. Your child (and you by proxy) makes them feel bad. So if they get rid of you, they also banish the bad feelings as much as they can. Your kid just upset their odd competition. Reacting as a group and excluding you gives them a way to restore the equilibrium of their worldview.

Does my pop-psychology analysis make sense?

Personally, I don't have any time for this sort of thing. Blech. My strategy in situations like this is to just avoid the mommy cliques and find the people who aren't pecking each other. They're usually pretty easy to spot because they're alone or hanging out with someone else who doesn't fit in. Or I just bring a book, depending on my mood.

Of course it's a competition. Everybody wants to win!

Remember, each of us is in direct competition against the other 7 billion people on the planet.

This is an interesting thread for me, I guess because I instinctively tend to avoid talking to other parents except in the most vague and general terms perhaps because I suspect this sort of thing would probably happen. I love ABQMoms approach and wish I had the social finesse to carry it off, but I know I could never be that adept in the moment. I think the thing to remember is that there really are a lot of "Dragon Parents" out there, so even to a benign observer if you discuss your kids' talents, it might seem that you are pushing them rather than trying to accommodate their interests. This is why I think it would be important to remember to mention/emphasize as in ABQMoms response that it is your *kid* doing the pushing, not you. If I had been pushing rather than following DD, she would probably be doing much more advanced math by now. But then, she might not *want* to do it either, like her older cousin who was pushed to do violin lessons for a number of years until he absolutely refused to do it any more. Very tricky.

I agree.

This may be one of those golden rules things. What is the adult version of "what's her reading level?" Maybe "How much money does she make?" "Has she received promotions at work?" If your spouse or best friend was asked these questions about you by someone they met five minutes ago would you expect them to answer honestly? Would you be totally embarrassed if they talked about those private aspects of your work performance?

I would expect they'd probably say something vaguely positive and vague and change the subject. In the mom conversation for me it would go something like this "Yes, she loves to read" change the subject.

My other thought about these exchanges is that it is good to check in with yourself about your feelings. Is part of it that you are feeling defensive due to homeschooling or something else? If so, maybe try to process that and it may be easier to draw a firm line and not get drawn into it.

Exactly -- you're not losing a thing, not having that bunch to talk to! Look around and find a person with a book, or one trying to blend into the wallpaper, and there's your ally.

These things make me crazy, Today, I was with a group of Moms and of course the discussion turns to school... One Mom was going on about Giftedness and how hard it is to raise her child who is "rediculously smart, but clueless". She knows my younger DD has LD and therefore obviously is not very bright (SARCASM)...Then she said, "You are so lucky to have a slower kid like ..... raising a gifted kid is such hard work! I, bit my tongue, but I really wanted to let her have it. Sometimes, you just have to realize it isn't worth it...and let it go.

Petty, rude, unkind ... You have more self-control than me. I would've likely called her out on it.

Sure, I want my kids to "win" and attend good colleges etc. But educational achievement is NOT a zero-sum game. If everyone had the smarts to learn calculus and understand Spinoza, they would be more productive and the country would be richer. The Flynn effect (higher IQs over time when tests are not re-normed) has probably had this effect already.

If I post a resource online or mention one to a parent, I am helping the "competition", but my kid's chance of getting into XYZ does not really change. It may increase if others reciprocate and mention resources to me. It's more productive to learn from smart and knowledgeable people than to envy them.

I tend to not give acquaintances specific information on where my child is academically or what she's able to do. If asked specific questions, I keep my responses very vague and quickly respond with a question about their child. I think when people ask those types of questions, they are generally looking for an opening to bring up their own child's achievements.

Once I get to know someone, if I feel they are in a similar place I will begin to share.

That's true. The total base of knowledge and skill is positive sum.

I think the competition comes into play when everybody knows that there are only X number of slots at Ivy League colleges, etc.So it's not educational achievement that's zero sum, it's the elite status symbols.

Although with the cost of education skyrocketing, there's a negative sum aspect to higher education these days, too.

You're KIDDING me! You are clearly a bigger person than I am.. I would have said something and regretted it later.

What is an average child? If my children are any indication then there arent. My 6 year old girl loves math, numbers make sense to her in a way they never made sense to me. My 5 year old girl learned to read from her older sister. My 3 year old learned his alphebet from me singing to him as a baby. (My only child that waited till he was 2 to talk, everyone else talked early) My baby girl talks up a blue streak to me and a few others. I make jokes that if I didnt keep thier minds engaged they would destroy my house. The joke isnt far from the truth they would so its not bad. My family even throws fits that I homeschool, they think I put to much presure on my children. When in all reality my children are constently pushing me to teach them more. They wake up and ask when does school start. I will ask how they got thier children to do something that I can show them my children are having trouble with, either behaviorally or academically. If they can help you it doesnt seem as hard to be friends.

I could have quoted your entire post, as it has been my experience continually since my son was about 2-1/2. As I read the other posters' responses, one thought kept coming to my mind. It was that I would love the luxury of just walking away from "those types" and finding someone else who didn't care about such things. After dealing with this type of reaction for almost six years, I've only found one person --ONE! --with whom I could share anything at all about my son and not get "the look" or reaction that you spoke of in your post.

Upon reaching the end of the thread's responses, I thought, "Hmmm... seems like you (the OP) and I live in the same area." I then noticed that you have "The South" as your location. I too am in the South, so perhaps it's largely a regional issue. Are you in a more rural location? I've lived in a very rural area for almost 15 years and this high school mentality type of experience has been the norm. It's very tiring. The only people I seem to connect with, who seem to be secure and act like adults, are people who are transplants from other areas, though they aren't all "safe" either.

I'm sure that doesn't help much, but it offers an alternate theory and lets you know that someone else 'gets' your frustration. So sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. Maybe setting personal boundaries, as others suggested, is the way to go here.

I live in suburban midwest. I often wonder if I'm the only parent who ever emotionally left 7th grade. I've started to view these conversations as a sign of either not enough to do or not enough to think about. As time has gone by (my oldest is in 4th), the 7th grade behavior hasn't really changed, but I've gotten better at avoiding those people, and they seem to avoid me as well.

As we have a major transition coming up for DS in the school that others will noticed, I recently practiced a bunch of "buzz off" responses with a friend. For our school, conversations happen on the school corner after dropping off kids.

Use as appropriate for the situation.

"I prefer not to get into the specifics."
"Yeah, the school placed him in that class."
"Since he's so young, I haven't really worried about reading levels. I just let him read what he wants to."
"Yes, he really loves math."
"I'd love to talk to you about this, but I'm headed off to a meeting right now." (repeat daily until the person gets the drift)
(and because several kids validly need accelerations at this school:)
"Mrs. can talk to you about the procedure."
"This isn't the time or place to talk about this. I'd be happy to fill you in on things. Please just call me at work when the kids aren't listening."

That's my first line of defense. Along with, as a followup, "Isn't it nice when a kid finds something they're passionate about." Not as a question, but as a statement.

DeeDee

This may have to do with parents remembering their own childhoods because they now have children.

So, they psychological regress to teenage-hood.

Maybe.

That's my pop-psychology thought for today.

If I may play the armchair psychologist role for a bit, I'd say that I agree with your analysis, but that there's a whole other level of stress and insecurity involved as well. As parents we're forced to make it up as we go along, and I think most of us realize we're screwing up in certain ways. But unless one of the parents works directly with kids in the same age group as their own children (teacher, coach, psychologist, pediatrician, etc.), we don't have any sort of frame of reference for what's normal, we only know about our own kids.

So, one way for a concerned parent to get a progress report on themselves is by surveying other parents of kids in the same age bracket. Thus, "What level is your child reading at?" becomes a proxy for the real question, "How am I doing?", with all the anxiety it implies. The parent who asks this question is wondering if they're doing enough to help their child develop. If you drop the bombshell that yours is reading at level T, this parent experiences two visceral reactions:

"OMIGOD, I'M A TOTAL FAILURE!"

and

"That parent is EVIL, because I'm pushing as hard as I can already, and if I pushed my dear child that hard, there would never be time for either of us to sleep!"

This concludes my armchair psychology session, which will do as a distraction until the NFL season resumes.

herenow: it was in a situation where saying what I wanted to say would have been a huge regret...so I am proud that I held my tongue....this time.

I agree with your analysis of why people act as they do, but they might act differently if they were better-informed. If people were more accepting of the heritability of intelligence and the relationship between intelligence and academic achievement, they would be more fatalistic and worry less. When the media stresses environmental explanations of why some kids do better in school than others, parents feel pressured to create the perfect environment.

Isn't it something like 80% genetic / 20% environmental?

Even 20% gives a lot of wiggle room for environmental competition.

And then you get into the entire area of neuroscience and brain plasticity.

I don't think they'd act differently. I think that people actually do realize that talent (including IQ) is largely inherited, whether they like to talk about it out loud or not. A child's abilities are reflection of his parents' abilities. This, in part, is driving the pecking moms (and occasional dads). Remember that blog post that Joyce Slaton wrote? She was the one who wanted an "Amazing Super Child who was going to prove to the world how 5-star my DNA is...."

What are braggart parents doing but putting their DNA and superior parenting skills on the table to show them off? Being proud of your child is a wonderful healthy feeling, but there are some parents who go past the wonderful healthy aspect of it and head into getting territory that's not healthy.

Say a group of insecure people are jockeying for position in the DNA/parenting skills hierarchy. Junior's skill acquisition is the currency they use to climb the tower. They're all in roughly the same place, and getting into the highest group is a reasonable possibility with a bit more of the right kind of effort.

Then someone else comes along and says that her five-year-old is reading Magic Tree House research guides....well, other parents could react as though someone just, emm, peed on their DNA and parenting skills. I'm not trying to be crude here. I can't think of a better way to say it.

And IMO, announcing that, "Oh, we don't push her, she pulls us --- she just loves to read," can make things worse. It says that the other person's superior parenting skills aren't so superior after all.

Added: I'm not trying to excuse the mean-spirited reaction described in the OP. I'm just trying to find a way to explain it.

In our case, there is no DNA...so often we hear...Why are you pressuring these kids??? As if they should be fortunate enough to have been "rescued" and elevated to "regular kids". I used to argue...but now...it is all about protecting the dds from idiocy!

I did the "struck dumb" with an internal grimmace.

So many of you offer great food for thought and I don't think I've ever analyzed in such depth why the other parents react how they do.

Just to clear something up...

I am ALWAYS uncomfortable when asked about DD5 and her schooling/abilities. I truly have never encountered anyone who doesn't have at least a small problem with it. I did not, however, start out being uncomfortable with it... the reactions of people taught me that this is a TABOO subject. However, I am not a shrinking violet when asked...my feelings are not how I outwardly act. To other Moms I'm rather blase about it and I tend to try to joke it off. I believe in this instance.. I made a joke about how all kids have their strengths and weaknesses... "as you can see.. she doesn't know how to throw a ball."

I think I have probably approached this in every way imaginable... seriously. I actually think ahead of time what to answer because it ALWAYS comes up... especially when DD5 says something "inappropriate for her age"

such as...

"Oh, your ice is melting because the molecules are heating up."

As for it being regional... that's an interesting idea. It definitely goes along with small, southern town mentality. Or, perhaps, it's just because I'm in an area with a population of little education. What a great research idea!

I like the thought that its like asking "how much money do you make?" GOOD POINT!

I think my post was mostly me just wanting to rant a minute... that there are so few people out there who do "get" it. Because, as I've said... it's lonely.

and not just for me... but for my DD

and Mamabear... good grief... what a witch!

That's inappropriate? (Coming from a mom whose 5 year old used the word googleplex correctly, understanding it's meaning, at 3.)

Ha, these posts are making me realize that perhaps my expectations of normal are a bit skewed, and I don't really think of my DS as really out there gifted, but neither of those statements seem particularly age inappropriate to me.lol I remember well learning about googolplex myself when I had to google (ha!) it for my preschooler.

This brings to mind something I have been wondering: do your children converse with adults more comfortably than other kids their age? I was thinking about this recently. My DS has always been comfortable striking up conversations with adults, but I realize when I think about my friends' kids that are his age, I don't think that I have ever had a conversation with them that I didn't start. DS, on the other hand, is happy to chat away with adults on a variety of topics. Mostly, people seem charmed by this, but sometimes I wonder if they find it strange.

My children are too shy to converse with adults easily whom they don't know well. However, they do prefer talking with older kids, and DS7 in particular prefers talking about science with his good friends' older siblings. Thankfully, both of my kids devolve easily into the dippy behavior of their agemates too, so they seem happy - for now - in both worlds. I think that will change as they get older, and DS7 has been continually on the lookout for other kids "who know a lot like me, especially about science" ever since his best friend (who knew a lot like him, especially about science) moved away last summer. We haven't yet found a real replacement for his BF in an agemate. DD5 is happiest when playing with DS7's friends.

I find that many of my kids' classmates very easily talk to adults though, and I have lots of interesting conversations with some of them. I eat lunch with the kids at their school sometimes, and last year when DS7 was in kindergarten I ended up in a conversation with a bunch of kindergarten boys about google and googleplex (which I honestly forgot existed, they brought it up). I don't know if it's our school's curriculum, or the kids at our school and the conversations their parents have with them at home, but we seem to have a good number of pretty insightful kids capable of articulating themselves well in conversation. Enough so that no parent is going to think it's strange if a 5yo talks about molecules. (We are at our neighborhood public school, not a gifted school.)

Now that I have read back through the middle of this thread, I have to comment on the regional piece. Whether it's regional, rural, or suburban, or something else, I don't know, but I do think it plays a large part. My experience living in a dense urban neighborhood in a city with one of the highest percent of college degrees in the nation, is that DH and I can talk about our son's abilities, gently, with other parents and they are all perfectly fine about it. A lot of parents know he's in math in a higher grade, and it's no big deal. There are other kids in the school who move around to different grades, and I've run into quite a number of parents over the past several years with kids at gifted schools, in gifted programs, or in the case of our school which has neither, parents who are open about their kids moving around to different grades when needed. We live in an area that's highly educated, but just as or more importantly, it's full of people who moved here from somewhere else and are very adaptable and open to change and difference. My southern hometown is culturally not as open to change and difference.

I know how old other kids are and who is in gifted because our school stinks at FERPA. The gifted teacher sends out emails with everyone on the cc line, so it's easy to see who the parents are. I know how old everyone is because the early grades always do graphing exercises displaying ages and birthday month.

I really hate it when people point-blank ask me about my kids' abilities. And yes, that has happened. They are both very verbally advanced, which I guess makes it obvious to the casual observer. Other parents know they are in gifted programming and accelerated at school, but they do not need to know specifics so that they can compare my kid to theirs. I usually try to be polite but vague. My husband and I have a "need to know" policy. The only people who know my kids' IQ scores/test scores/grades, are the people who need to know for our daughters' well being. This includes immediate family, their pediatrician, and school personnel. It's not any other mom's business. Not to be rude, but jeez. I wouldn't ask how much your husband makes, so why would you ask about my kid's test scores?

Then she said, "You are so lucky to have a slower kid like ..... raising a gifted kid is such hard work!

You know its funny. My son played soccer last year with 2 boys who were in his special school district class at preschool. He has some behavior issues and needs help with his social skills. Even though my kid is testing as gifted, she and I could better relate than I can with any other parents. She understood the IEP, the trying to fit them into school that didn't always want to accept they were different. More than once we smiled at each other and knew we understood what the other was going through. She had the same challenges I faced. I've always felt that highly gifted, autism & aspergers any other types of non-typical kids are more closely related than not.

Irish: I think you are right that kids at both ends of the educational spectrum create challenges that parents have to work though to get the best possible situation for their children. This parent is just rude. This is the same one who said that taking the EXPLORE test is just a money maker for Duke U. How is that? She said that the school sells the names of the students and then you get all these invitations to summer camps that you can't afford. Well, if you can't afford it and you don't send your kid, HOW is that a money maker for the college? (and I don't think they sell names. If they do, that isn't a huge money maker for sure.) So, now that I have heard enough from her, I will do my best to avoid her.

Duke doesn't even charge for academic transcripts.

Last night an incident between my DD7 and a teammate at soccer practice inspired some of the soccer moms to discuss how "This is the age at which the drama begins." Since it was a safe enough topic, I volunteered "I wish!", and let them know how it started with DD and another playmate before DD's 3rd birthday. Later on the topic drifted to how girls can isolate one when there's an odd number of kids in the group, so I volunteered that, "What's interesting when DD has a classmate and her 10yo sister over is that it's always the classmate that ends up being the odd one out."

One of the moms put the two statements together and explained how oldest girls can often be an "old soul" and behave much more maturely than their age would predict. I nodded, as if to say, "Sure, we'll go with that explanation, then."

"that's inappropriate?"

LOL

it is to everyone else!

and actually she said this at 3yrs.. during a large playdate.. it came to mind because it caused quite a stir

I expect it's more closely related to the general educational level of a given social circle than an issue strictly of geography. The general tendency to mentally remove 20 IQ points every time they hear a Southern accent aside, I would expect to run into less shock at the world "googolplex" in, say, Chapel Hill NC than in areas of Detroit or Boston with a population which has, overall, considerably less formal education.
Even in the metro area in which I live (Southern, but with a lot of transplanted Yankees), I can guarantee that certain discussions will go over far more easily in certain groups than in others. The parenting group geared toward professional women who expect to reenter the workforce? No problem most of the time. The parenting group whose membership is based solely on age and quantity of children? Eh...not so much. Although come to think of it, when I bring up my youngest (who was at one pointn nicknamed "Wednesday Addams" by her older sister), I get weird looks from pretty much everybody. Sometimes even including her dad.

I think the first words out of my mouth would have been "Have you been a jerk all of your life?"

Mithawk,,,sarcasm vs. serious is lost on this person. My thought was something MUCH more primative, but I was in a situation where walking away was the best option.

Just so you know, it does get better. Differences at the younger ages are very obvious - and the whole reading/ not reading, writing/not writing/writing in cursive thing really can make some kids look very different. Once they get to first or second grade, I found - this is much easier. Everyone is reading, everyone is writing and everyone is doing math. That said, I also don't answer questions about dd's abilities. If someone talks about thier own kid- that is where I keep the focus, give lots of compliments about how great their child is doing. I save my comments about my own child for the grandparents and for this forum.

It feels so liberating to discuss my children with interested people who don't have kids of their own... not that it's a frequent occasion. Most people without kids don't want to hear about them. Sometimes you get lucky and then you get to talk much more freely. It's like finally filling your lungs all the way up after breathing shallowly for months.