Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Must I lie? Why oh Why? (rant)

I am thrilled to have a daughter as wonderful and gifted as she is. Daily, I feel blessed to be her Mother. But, oh what a lonely road it is!! Can't I just please... find one person... that doesn't care about what she can do... that doesn't see me giving the facts as a braggart? Or a bad parent? Ugh!

Today, my daughter had her first practice for baseball. Things started well. As all us Moms arrived we smiled and greeted each other. We stood in a group and chatted. But as I always dread... the conversation turned to the kids ages and grade in school and *big surprise* their abilities.

The Moms of the 5 year olds (like mine) talked about how their kids missed the cut offs date for school and how their kids were smart and ready for K already. One Mom, obviously proud, slipped in how her son was already reading early readers and such.

At times like this... I smile and keep my mouth shut.

But then, proud Mom, turns to me and asks if DD was going into K this year.

"Actually, she's home-schooled." I reply.

"Oh, are you doing preschool at home then?"

At this, I squirm, and say something along the lines of "Um, no she's a little ahead for her age."

"Oh, does she read already too?" she keeps on.

"yes, she loves to read" I answer... pointedly not saying what.

"What level does she read?" DANG IT... why does she have to ask?

So, I answer truthfully and then truthfully again when I'm pressed by another incredulous Mom as to what level she is on with Math and writing and such. They asked.. so I answered.

I guess I should have lied.

Because they stood there... staring. An uncomfortable silence ensued. I made some lame attempt at joking it off but when that didn't work.. used my younger daughter as an excuse to walk away.

Then, as I turned to go.. proud Mom looks at the other Moms and loudly announces that she "personally believed in letting her kids enjoy being kids."

So, for the rest of practice.. they closed ranks and I was excluded. Friendly smiles from me were not returned.

Again, I should have lied... or changed the subject.. or something.

OH, how lonely I feel!

That's a tough one. I think lots of parents have dealt with comments about how much they "work with" their kids or "give them advantages", i.e. push them, or have it openly asserted. Five is a normal kindergarten age, for cripe's sake-- homeschooling isn't unusual at that age! I'm sorry you had to deal with the snottiness. It comes from jealousy, obviously.

My knee-jerk reaction is to expose the situation for what it is. I probably would have said (on the spot, I'm reflexive that way now) "I wasn't trying to make you jealous or upset about any difference between our kids. Our kids are what they are. I was just answering the questions I was asked. I think it's in poor form to attempt to insult me out of jealousy." Obviously, I would have resigned myself to not having a friendship with the insulting mommy in the short term.

Well, I know it probably isn't much consolation because exclusion is always painful, but would you really have wanted to participate in those kinds of conversations on a regular basis? Those moms sound really unpleasant. I have to say, that I have a group of moms I hang out with occasionally who all have kids DS8's age and while there is alot of discussion about who's reading what (specific book interests, not levels) and what kind of math enrichment the kids are getting, etc., there has never been any nastiness like this. So it is not an inevitable part of socializing with other moms. Hopefully, somewhere far away from these women, there is a group of equally disgusted and much more fun mommies that you can befriend. Hugs!

Ha! Love it! Although I'd never have the gumption to say such.

Where's the "like" button?

Perhaps it's just me, but I think a lot of their reaction comes from your behavior. It comes across to me that you felt some sort of guilt/shame over your daughter's ability. Why?

Just be straight forward and proud of her. If they ask questions, answer them honestly. If they are terrible people I suppose they'll respond badly, but that's on them. However, if *you* behave is something is wrong/bad/shameful, they will respond in kind.

Well said, LNEs Mom.

It was intrusive of them to ask after levels of work. At that point, if they are offended by the answer, it's their problem.

I do typically say something vague and turn the conversation in these sorts of situations, but it happens very rarely here that people inquire directly. Perhaps because I have found the saner parents to talk to...

DeeDee

I disagree. I think it comes from their feeling insecure.

I agree that coming right out, when asked, is the correct policy. "Well, she started reading at 2, so she's all about books... She's re-reading Harry Potter for the I don't know how manyth time. She loves that series" and then you stay and see who "sticks". Who gets it enough to not immediately start comparing their child to yours, and criticizing you for their experience.

I've found that as the moms get older, and more experienced, and their children start having academic strengths and weaknesses and LDs, and social trouble, and etc, that it gets easier.

Hang in there. It's very isolating.

To be honest, when asked if I was doing preschool at home, I would have said "Something like that," or "We do a lot of different stuff," or something similar. I don't talk about my kids' abilities to strangers or new acquaintances if I can help it at all, though sometimes they make themselves obvious anyway. Yes, these moms were bragging themselves and were being hypocritical to respond that way, but that's sort of beside the point. I like people to have a chance to get to know me and my kids precisely so they can't jump to any conclusions like "You're not letting your kid be a kid."

You can always answer a question with a questions:

"What difference does it make?"