Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Must I lie? Why oh Why? (rant)

Sure, I want my kids to "win" and attend good colleges etc. But educational achievement is NOT a zero-sum game. If everyone had the smarts to learn calculus and understand Spinoza, they would be more productive and the country would be richer. The Flynn effect (higher IQs over time when tests are not re-normed) has probably had this effect already.

If I post a resource online or mention one to a parent, I am helping the "competition", but my kid's chance of getting into XYZ does not really change. It may increase if others reciprocate and mention resources to me. It's more productive to learn from smart and knowledgeable people than to envy them.

I tend to not give acquaintances specific information on where my child is academically or what she's able to do. If asked specific questions, I keep my responses very vague and quickly respond with a question about their child. I think when people ask those types of questions, they are generally looking for an opening to bring up their own child's achievements.

Once I get to know someone, if I feel they are in a similar place I will begin to share.

That's true. The total base of knowledge and skill is positive sum.

I think the competition comes into play when everybody knows that there are only X number of slots at Ivy League colleges, etc.So it's not educational achievement that's zero sum, it's the elite status symbols.

Although with the cost of education skyrocketing, there's a negative sum aspect to higher education these days, too.

You're KIDDING me! You are clearly a bigger person than I am.. I would have said something and regretted it later.

What is an average child? If my children are any indication then there arent. My 6 year old girl loves math, numbers make sense to her in a way they never made sense to me. My 5 year old girl learned to read from her older sister. My 3 year old learned his alphebet from me singing to him as a baby. (My only child that waited till he was 2 to talk, everyone else talked early) My baby girl talks up a blue streak to me and a few others. I make jokes that if I didnt keep thier minds engaged they would destroy my house. The joke isnt far from the truth they would so its not bad. My family even throws fits that I homeschool, they think I put to much presure on my children. When in all reality my children are constently pushing me to teach them more. They wake up and ask when does school start. I will ask how they got thier children to do something that I can show them my children are having trouble with, either behaviorally or academically. If they can help you it doesnt seem as hard to be friends.

I could have quoted your entire post, as it has been my experience continually since my son was about 2-1/2. As I read the other posters' responses, one thought kept coming to my mind. It was that I would love the luxury of just walking away from "those types" and finding someone else who didn't care about such things. After dealing with this type of reaction for almost six years, I've only found one person --ONE! --with whom I could share anything at all about my son and not get "the look" or reaction that you spoke of in your post.

Upon reaching the end of the thread's responses, I thought, "Hmmm... seems like you (the OP) and I live in the same area." I then noticed that you have "The South" as your location. I too am in the South, so perhaps it's largely a regional issue. Are you in a more rural location? I've lived in a very rural area for almost 15 years and this high school mentality type of experience has been the norm. It's very tiring. The only people I seem to connect with, who seem to be secure and act like adults, are people who are transplants from other areas, though they aren't all "safe" either.

I'm sure that doesn't help much, but it offers an alternate theory and lets you know that someone else 'gets' your frustration. So sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. Maybe setting personal boundaries, as others suggested, is the way to go here.

I live in suburban midwest. I often wonder if I'm the only parent who ever emotionally left 7th grade. I've started to view these conversations as a sign of either not enough to do or not enough to think about. As time has gone by (my oldest is in 4th), the 7th grade behavior hasn't really changed, but I've gotten better at avoiding those people, and they seem to avoid me as well.

As we have a major transition coming up for DS in the school that others will noticed, I recently practiced a bunch of "buzz off" responses with a friend. For our school, conversations happen on the school corner after dropping off kids.

Use as appropriate for the situation.

"I prefer not to get into the specifics."
"Yeah, the school placed him in that class."
"Since he's so young, I haven't really worried about reading levels. I just let him read what he wants to."
"Yes, he really loves math."
"I'd love to talk to you about this, but I'm headed off to a meeting right now." (repeat daily until the person gets the drift)
(and because several kids validly need accelerations at this school:)
"Mrs. can talk to you about the procedure."
"This isn't the time or place to talk about this. I'd be happy to fill you in on things. Please just call me at work when the kids aren't listening."

That's my first line of defense. Along with, as a followup, "Isn't it nice when a kid finds something they're passionate about." Not as a question, but as a statement.

DeeDee

This may have to do with parents remembering their own childhoods because they now have children.

So, they psychological regress to teenage-hood.

Maybe.

That's my pop-psychology thought for today.

If I may play the armchair psychologist role for a bit, I'd say that I agree with your analysis, but that there's a whole other level of stress and insecurity involved as well. As parents we're forced to make it up as we go along, and I think most of us realize we're screwing up in certain ways. But unless one of the parents works directly with kids in the same age group as their own children (teacher, coach, psychologist, pediatrician, etc.), we don't have any sort of frame of reference for what's normal, we only know about our own kids.

So, one way for a concerned parent to get a progress report on themselves is by surveying other parents of kids in the same age bracket. Thus, "What level is your child reading at?" becomes a proxy for the real question, "How am I doing?", with all the anxiety it implies. The parent who asks this question is wondering if they're doing enough to help their child develop. If you drop the bombshell that yours is reading at level T, this parent experiences two visceral reactions:

"OMIGOD, I'M A TOTAL FAILURE!"

and

"That parent is EVIL, because I'm pushing as hard as I can already, and if I pushed my dear child that hard, there would never be time for either of us to sleep!"

This concludes my armchair psychology session, which will do as a distraction until the NFL season resumes.