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    Dude #120935 01/25/12 06:07 AM
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    Good idea Dude - we will see what he can do while moving around!

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    Originally Posted by Tsimmers
    ABQMom - I like your advice and it is pretty inline with how we've been raising our kids...it's just hard when I know he could do so much more. Our concern is that everything comes easy to him - and i mean just about everything. I am really hard pressed to think of something that he hasn't been able to just watch and then do...sometimes a video game will make him frustrated - but other than that, it doesn't matter if it's physical or mental, it all comes easy. -And if it doesn't come easy, he doesn't want to do it (which seems to be the case with reading - although, it's not like he struggles with reading, it's just that he might need help with one word, and that means, "I can't any of it - waa! I'm so stupid - waaa!" (We would *never* say that to him - he cam e up with that on his own...) Anyway, my point is that I'm worried that he will go through life never doing more than is expected and not knowing how to handle it when something is presented that he might have to actually work at. My hub. went through life like that and while he is fine and aware of that 'area of improvement', ds has a much more volatile and emotional personality and may not be as well adjusted. that's my biggest concern. And I want to make sure he knows what he is capable of - does that make sense?
    -sorry, I have so many things I want to say, that it's all getting jumbled and I'm rambling...it's just so nice to find a website that actually has parents that understand what it's like - it seems like everyone hears the term "gifted" and they think, "oh poor you - you have a smart kid. that must be so hard." If only they knew how challenging it really is...!

    I had this same concern for my son, and when it comes to academics, he never struggled despite taking a rigorous load in college. And so I finally had to ask myself what it was that I wanted for him to gain out of struggling (since I was frustrated that he wasn't), and I realized that my goals as his mother were to prepare him for coping with situations that were overwhelming, help him develop a good work ethic, and help him develop characteristics that would make him a valuable employee or boss some day. Academics are just one avenue to learning those traits.

    To help him develop the things I thought were important, we found a sport that he liked and also challenged him, required that he get a "grunt" job during high school where intellect wouldn't really be necessary (he bagged groceries), and made sure he participated in philanthropic endeavors. All three helped round out his personality and gave him opportunities to develop traits that I thought were important.

    So I guess my perspective is that while it is our job to push our children beyond their comfort zone at times, it isn't always fair to continue pushing out children academically just because we think they should be pushed to the point of struggling in a subject. It doesn't mean they should have a license to be a slacker and play video games for 7 hours after they breeze through homework, but neither should they be given harder and harder work when perhaps they'd rather finish their assigned work and then pursue an area of passion.

    Just some thoughts from hindsight about what I wish I'd known 12 years ago. smile

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    Originally Posted by Tsimmers
    I have def. wanted to get a trampoline, but my hub. is a bit more hesitant because he's positive that ds will break his neck - or end up on the roof! smile
    I was thinking more along the lines of the indoor mini-tramps such as the Urban Rebounder...a bosu ball might work as well and be less risky.


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    Originally Posted by Tsimmers
    Our concern is that everything comes easy to him - and i mean just about everything. I am really hard pressed to think of something that he hasn't been able to just watch and then do...it all comes easy. -And if it doesn't come easy, he doesn't want to do it ... I'm so stupid - waaa!" (We would *never* say that to him - he cam e up with that on his own...) Anyway, my point is that I'm worried that he will go through life never doing more than is expected and not knowing how to handle it when something is presented that he might have to actually work at.

    Now I understand your question - part of what you are looking for is a group of parents you can finally talk to about all the little doubts in your mind - excellent, we are wondeful for that!

    But the other main concern has a name - Perfectionism. It's when a child never learns how to tackle difficult learning challenges. You are right, just like your DH, it's a potential problem and it's up to alert parents to figure out that the usuall path isn't going to help.

    So the problem may have started with 'there are too few opportunities for my child to challenge themselves' and now it's grown into a full fledged 'my child is actively avoiding anything that is slightly difficult.'

    This is what prompted me to first change the school my child was attending and then request a grade skip when the work still wasn't difficult enough to give my child regular opportunities to face the emotional pain of learning to face and overcome academic challenges.

    Knowing what I know now, I would start by reading the book: 'Transforming the difficult child workbook' by Lisa Bravo and doing what is needed to praise every bit of effort my child puts into anything. You want to carve above the mantlepiece "This is a family that values the courage to face new challenges" and repeat it hourly on a daily basis. If you have to crawl into be with him while he's 3/4 asleep and tell him that you saw his concentrating face today while he was looking at that new piece of playground equipement and that shows that he was planning in his how how to try something new, then that's what you do. There is always some evidence of the desired behavior, no matter how small, how teeny, how micoroscopic.

    If you child were 'laid back' and not extra emotional, then I would say it's fine that he hide his abilities for now - he's only 6 - but since you are seeing this perfectionism and the emotional pain he is in, then it isn't ok, and a visit with the teacher to discuss and see if subject acceleration is possible. Another alterntive is afterschooling - just 10 minutes of ALEKS on the computer every school day might be enough for him to get out into the world of how normal kids experience normal school - it's hard sometimes but he can do it!

    Best Wishes,
    Grinity


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    Originally Posted by Tsimmers
    When we had him eval. we were told that he would probably never let on to the teacher that he can do more than what is being taught,
    Call that tester and ask what it was that the tester saw that let him/her to make that comment. It's not part of the standard testing.

    You may have to take the lead and show him some hard afterschooling stuff to make it ok for him to show you his stuff. I don't mean yelling or pushing, just leaving hard books around the house, so saying 'I think you can do this - it may take a few tries.'

    G


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    Our DD8 got a DYS score when she was 7 and I lurked here and read many books about giftedness, trying to find the secret lever that would unleash her potential. We could not find one.

    What we did find invaluable was the insight into how asynchrony affected our child emotionally and intellectually.

    She is happy now in a gifted 3rd grade class for social rather than academic reasons. She feels like she fits in, given the number of other quirky gifted kids she is around. She gets mostly A's, complains about doing homework, and is considered "in the middle" performance-wise by her teacher.

    I believe many gifted children--almost certainly mine--suppress their superior intellect as a survival mechanism. I can think of many reasons they do this: to fit in with friends, traditions and role models; to ward off anxiety caused by their superior insight and logic; to just be average kids. DD has questioned and known that Santa and the Tooth Fairy are not real for years, but you can tell she wants to believe, probably at this point because her friends still do. When she asks us point blank, we do the prudent thing and ask her, "What do you think?" And she does not respond yet because she'd not ready.

    So maybe the question I/we need to ask is: If our gifted child is not achieving or performing at a level closer to their potential, does that indicate a problem?

    Last edited by Pru; 01/25/12 04:33 PM. Reason: typo
    Pru #120991 01/25/12 04:42 PM
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    Originally Posted by Pru
    So maybe the question I/we need to ask is: If our gifted child is not achieving or performing at a level closer to their potential, does that indicate a problem?
    I agree - that's why one of the main questions is - is this child willing to take on new challenges, particularly if those challenges don't earn instant success.


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    You guys are awesome! I have to say that my head is swimming with all of your comments and suggestions and it is really making me rethink what we are really concerned about and what is really the issue. I know that he has perfectionist issues - but is it really as big a deal as I originally thought? With all your support and suggestions, I'm really starting to think that I am over-thinking the "middle of the road" problem. As I re-think and re-analyze everything, I'm thinking that I may be remembering back a year or two ago when we really did have problems with him trying new things and him never feeling like he did anything right...I'm realizing that while he still expects so much from himself, that he doesn't have quite the extreme reaction as he used to. Hmmm, so much to think about. I think I have been under the mistaken thought that being pg meant it should show itself in a way that can be measured by others (other than when he was little and doing all the pg stuff then) and so when it is not showing up in 1st grade I feel like he is somehow not living up to his potential and I'm failing him. Now I'm starting to realize that I'm putting way to much on school and that maybe the best is to continue doing what we do at home with some afterschooling with standard reading, writing, and math, but also just really let him go with what he really likes and see what comes of it.
    My dh just reminded me today that after his pre-k and k experience we just hoped that someday he would love to go to school and not cry everyday (ya - that sucked) and now we have that and we are forgetting that he is happy right now. Yes - he could be working harder, doing more challenging work, but I'm hoping that will come...with a little bit of tweaking on our part with his curriculum.
    Again - lots to think about and I know we will doubt all of this over and over and go back to, "shouldn't he be doing more??!" But right now I think I am feeling much more peaceful with letting him be a 6 year old boy that likes school and in knowing that his potential is not being lost just because he isn't reading 'grown up' books yet.
    Anyway, I wanted to say a blanket, "thank you!" to everyone. I have read every post and thought about everything that you guys have suggested - such valuable info, I hope it keeps coming! I will also probably start more posts as my journey with pg6 continues - especially since my dd4 and ds1.5 seem to be headed down the same path! smile

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    Maybe getting into a full-time competitive sport can help, as opposed to alot of physical activities alone. Both of my kids swim year-round. They swim on a highly competitive swim team 4-5 nights, one hour per night. They are both really tired when they come home!
    Obviously, many sports can do that for you. However, in a sport, you can really work on doing your best, working harder. Not coasting through things.

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    my dd is 7. She will exhibit some of the same stuff. And sometimes I let it ride. She was reading some of the stuff, above grade level, but just until she exhausted it and had to move on. We do online math, and I find that works. She can do the math so easily and it makes her work. I also find pushing her is a necessary habit. Having been one where it was so easy and getting bad habits, I refuse to let that happen to her.

    Hence she is overscheduled and she is active but now with jazz and ballet. Being a girl. And she has an active dog. She does piano, practice she hates, but I make her so she does it well. She is very talented. She takes Chinese extracurricular, spanish in school. We take her to Philharmonic concerts and Jazz with Winton Marsalis -- those she loves. Ballets.

    Exhausting her brain and her body is what is necessary. Since she is into dance, she can dance to her Selena Gomez, et al CDs and get a work out.

    You have to get to know your kid and having a brilliant kid can mean a lot of different things. I was an extrovert, high energy kid that could do math but didn't care but translated that into high energy money making stuff on Wall Street. I can see my kid doing the same. Though I needed to marry a doctor to balance my kinetic being into something riskaverse and steady. Otherwise I was on my way to total burnout.

    Ren

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